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Betrayed Womenz Thread

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WhyAgainWhyHer posted 8/3/2018 14:15 PM

Yes, thank you so much Chaos and Uxo

Mamacesto posted 8/3/2018 14:36 PM

Shocked123 - Iím sorry youíre here. Iím only 2 weeks post surgery so I canít quite say but I can tell you Iím very pleased with the results and do think I look better.

Shocked123 posted 8/5/2018 18:55 PM

Mamacesto,
I'm going for it! Thank you.

Mamacesto posted 8/6/2018 06:40 AM

Shocked123- you go girl!

I will say a part of me hesitated because there are scars. One down the front of the breast from the bottom of the areola and one under the bottom of the breast that is hidden in the fold of skin. But, I no longer let WH see me naked anyway. And, the scar really will diminish a lot when I get further along so if I decide to let my WH see me nude it shouldnít be a big deal.

I always felt my breasts were pretty large so I had a bit of a reduction as well. My back feels better and the boobs look perkier. Like the doc said, Theyíre up where they should be!Ē Lol

WH boosted his ego for 13 months with the OW. Now Iím trying to boost mine since he destroyed it. I donít know if itís the right way to go about it, Iím sure many would disagree. But, I feel Iíve got to do something to try & make myself feel better!

leafields posted 8/6/2018 09:19 AM

Thanks for all the positive hints, ladies.

I did it - it took 2 screwdrivers to work up the courage - but the past 2 nights, I changed into my jammies when WH was in there with me.

leafields posted 8/6/2018 09:19 AM

Stupid double posts

[This message edited by leafields at 6:30 PM, August 6th (Monday)]

DevastatedDee posted 8/6/2018 16:54 PM

I got a breast reduction about 2 1/2 years ago, and I've gotta tell you, it does help the self-esteem. Mine were Gs. Gs, I mean...that's insane. Droopy Gs. Now they're perky Cs. My boobs are younger than I am, lol.

I say go for it, Shocked123.

Shocked123 posted 8/7/2018 19:52 PM

Ladies thank you so much for the words of encouragment.
I also feel that I deserve it considering how much ego stroking (and other kinds) my husband got from his hundreds of Asian handjobs.
This is my time now. It's my time to think of myself and take care of things that have bothered me for a long time, both emotional and physical.
Who knows how much he has spent the last 10 years. I'm not even thinking about the cost.
I must say I'm a little hesitant because of the scars but I think the overall look is worth the small sacrifice of the scars.
Glad you both did what you had to do to feel better. I'll keep you posted as to how my surgery turns out.

Mamacesto posted 8/7/2018 20:43 PM

Yes, keep us posted Shocked123. I didnít go down quite as much in size as Devastateddee. I was 34G and went down to 34DD. Best of luck to you!!

Shocked123 posted 8/8/2018 07:14 AM

mamcesto,
It's the "lift" I'm looking for; both physical and emotional, lol.
Thanks and all the best to you with your road to healing.

Wounded26 posted 8/8/2018 10:10 AM

I have been married for 2 years. My husband is an ordained minister and we are both Christians. Before we got married my husband had 2 abortions by a woman. He said he practically demanded that she get the abortions. He never had proof that she was even pregnant. Anyway, we were on a date one day (while we were married) and he said she was on his mind and he wanted to apologize to her. Well, we talked about it and agreed that he wouldn't talk to her. It turns out that he messaged her on Facebook a month after we agreed for him not to without telling me. They exchanged numbers, and he disguised her name in his phone as a guys name. He was hiding this for over half of our marriage. He says the conversations were COMPLETELY innocent, and it was just hey how are you doing type convos. Well, I just had our first kid three months ago via c section. A month after she was born, we decided to go to his hometown so his family could meet our daughter. I ended up going to the mall with my daughter, his mom, and sister. He told me he was going to see his best friend which is a guy and I know him. He ended up going to the girls house just to say hello. He said she grabbed his private area, and kissed him on the neck. He grabbed her butt, and asked if she had a condom. She said no, and he bent her over and had sex with her. He says the sex was very cold and it only lasted about 3 minutes. He says immediately after it happened he pulled up his pants and said this should have never happened and left immediately. He told me all of this about 2 weeks after he had sex with her. He did it two days before our anniversary. He feels so awful about it, and he is willing to do whatever it takes to fix it. He hasn't talked to the girl since and says he hasn't even thought about her and her only wants me. I can tell he is deeply regretful and truly sorry. Its been two months since I found out but I am still so hurt and I can't understand why. I love him and I do want to make our marriage work. He says I had nothing to do with the decisions he made. He says he was perfectly happy at home, emotionally fulfilled, sexually fulfilled. He says he just made some terrible choices. My hurt outweighs everything in my life sometime. We are in counseling at church, but I feel like everyone is just not wanting to talk about what he did. They just want to push past it and work on making our marriage better. But if he says there was nothing wrong, I don't know what to fix. I'm so lost, confused, and hurt. I can't tell my family because they will never forgive him. Any kind words of encouragement or advice is greatly appreciated. Please help me.

gmc94 posted 8/8/2018 14:52 PM

THANK YOU Frankiesbeads!

...how can a woman knowingly do this to another woman and her family? ...... Having an affair with a married man is the complete and utter opposite of feminism.

I have been struggling with my WH about this since dday. I consider myself a feminist, work in a position of power in a male-dominated field, and have raised an amazing DD who has dedicated her life to social justice in all forms - but esp women.

My WH and his AP would - literally - TALK ABOUT FEMINISM, BEING FEMINISTS, AND WOMENS' RIGHTS during lunch, then go have sex.

My WH cannot understand how having an A disqualifies him from the feminism label... I assume his OW still believes she is a feminist as well, tho my WH is not her first married man (one of her husbands left her for another woman... when she told me she'd slept with my WH, she said she "has empathy" for me - lol!).

I've tried to find resources about this - and come up pretty empty (aside from the letter written by Joss Whedan's BW - which was on point IMHO). I found a book written by a former OW, but it's pricey and not available at my local libraries.

Anyhow, I don't get it either, but would be interested in insight from others... since dday I've been haunted by my WH's insistence that cheating doesn't mean he and his AP are not feminists.

DevastatedDee posted 8/8/2018 15:31 PM

Oh Wounded, I am so sorry that you're going through this. There is no way to fast-track forgiveness or not discuss the cheating as much as you need to. The counselors are wrong. They're setting you up for more trauma and almost guaranteeing a failed reconciliation if you listen to them. I don't know how he could be spiritually a minister and do the things that he has. You'll hear that we're not all perfect and all sin, but that is vastly oversimplifying it. He needs real help. He's likely not being honest with you yet either. The conversations weren't innocent. He lied quite a bit for a minister, didn't he?

None of the affair part was about you or in any way your fault. You don't have anything to fix as far as the marriage goes. You have your own trauma to heal from that you in no way deserved.

moralhighground posted 8/9/2018 12:23 PM

Wounded - Youíre absolutely right! You are in no position to ďwork on the marriageĒ until he has started work on HIMSELF and figured out why and how he would think he was entitled to behave this way.

Donít worry about what he needs and what the marriage needs. Fight for what YOU need and if that means getting a new counselor who has more experience with infidelity, DO IT. If that means the marriage is nothing to you right now and you live for yourself, do it. If you canít tell your family, find a trusted friend who will listen and sympathize without trying to sway you in different directions. You NEED to talk about what happened. You will have months and months worth of crazy emotions about this and that is NORMAL because of what HE did. The state of the marriage is his responsibility right now. Tell him what you need. His willingness to listen and help will show you whether he can become the kind of husband you want to hang on to.

Also, STD test.

gmc94 - I hear you. Taking away someoneís ability to consent is the opposite of feminism in every way. It makes me nauseous. I think most of us are bad feminists in some way or other and itís a lot better to make an effort than it is to give up because equality is too high an ideal to reach, so even though they are total hypocrites, maybe there is hope for them if they see what they were doing wrong and can accept that they were lying to each other and to themselves.

Never before infidelity did I find my own values so entirely in conflict with one another. What is my priority? To keep my family together? To stand up against injustice? To show my children strength and independence? To be humble? To be forgiving? To be loved? To be right?

I still donít know.

To everyone else, I made my WH read this entire thread because I wanted him to see the damage that is inflicted even on people who KNOW there is nothing wrong with them, or donít even see the APs as attractive. Thank you all for being candid about struggling with your body image. It is such a lasting, devastating feeling and impacts so many aspects of your life. I hate it and I hate that I care so much about what someone thinks who would do this to me. People suck and itís good to be in a place with people who actually want to be good and kind to other people, I wish I could say that in better words but there it is.

gmc94 posted 8/9/2018 14:49 PM

MoralHighGround, thank you for this:

Never before infidelity did I find my own values so entirely in conflict with one another. What is my priority? To keep my family together? To stand up against injustice? To show my children strength and independence? To be humble? To be forgiving? To be loved? To be right?

I still donít know.

I am bawling like a 2 year old after reading it. I am grateful to see this in black and white - these questions have haunted me since dday.
I am so angry and horrified that my WH put me in a place where these values are in conflict while simultaneously shattering my reality in a way that I cannot readily distinguish between what is real and what isn't.

I am devastated that I don't know how to be a good role model for both my adult son and my daughter.
I do not feel I am standing up to the injustice of it all - but I am doing the best that I can to accept that there will never be any form of justice after betrayal from the person you CHOSE to love, chose to trust, chose to live life with. But what message does that send to my kids? That injustice and betrayal are ok?

I could go on & on, but thank you.

earlydetour posted 8/11/2018 09:16 AM

Once married, my H put me in a mother role. We didn't even have kids yet. Putting me in mom mode took the guilt away from having a GF. How many other BW's dealt with this too?

Also, my experiences in telling a select few people about his EA and the residual scar we work with in our M is that others tend to want to minimize a WH's EA. I saw firsthand how he acted adoringly towards her. OW got to see him disrespect me firsthand. She enjoyed the drama. Why are EA's and their significance in the depth of their damage to a marital relationship not understood more? Are they too glamorized?

silverhopes posted 8/14/2018 03:04 AM

How many other BW's dealt with this too?

Yep. Same here. Sometimes he puts me in this role and then criticizes my parenting. And it's not with a gentle tone, either. It's snide and condescending and sometimes outright contemptuous. It pisses me off big time. Meanwhile, he just chooses to worry about when he's gonna smoke his weed, while I juggle all the responsibilities. He's like an ill-tempered teenager at times. Unfortunately for him, I've become rather ill-tempered myself in the last couple of years. Hey, what can I say, my growing misanthropy keeps me warm at night.

The first time we were able to have intimacy post-pregnancy, partway through we heard Lil Silver crying from the other room. A family member was with him. But just the same, Mr Silver pulled away, stood up, and said, "Go to him. You're a mother now." It was then I knew that he would keep putting me in that role. His choice of words, "You're a mother now", rather than "We're parents now", indicated that so clearly.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 3:12 AM, August 14th (Tuesday)]

strugglebus posted 8/14/2018 18:36 PM

Having a very hard day today. Just wanted to say it somewhere.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 8/14/2018 22:53 PM

So am I - unfortunately for me there are lots of them...I hope for you strugglebus, that this is just a blip on the radar.

Simplicity posted 8/14/2018 23:33 PM

Early detour, me too. I managed finances, grocery shopped, cooked, cleaned, heck, a couple of times basically did his homework.... I helped him prepare some of his presentations! He did do most of the laundry, owing that he was very particular about it, but I ended up folding it most of the time. Oh, did I mention I also did plumbing, painting, and minor electrical work? All while being a resident physician, which he often used as a reason for why HE was so tired and had no time! We both had the same freaking job!

I didn't mind doing many of these things, but at least try to satisfy me in bed! I'm your wife, not your mom! We didn't even have kids!

Then on top of this mild annoyance in my life, he goes and betrays me with his "soul mate," and starts rewriting the whole marriage. I should never have tolerated such treatment in the first place. He always promised me he would make me a special meal. He never did. He never will.

Meanwhile, I, too am suffering from feeling I lost the prime of my youth. I'm in my 30s, didn't have kids with him, and now I'm really upset about him stealing many of my best fertile years. It doesn't matter how young or thin I look, there are so many men who don't see past my age, even! So I do feel like he stole from me. But I am determined to make things work. I can only be grateful this happened now and not ten years later. I froze some eggs and am putting my ducks in a row. Hopefully I will find a real partner in life and not just a sperm donor, which is what he would have ended up being if I had stayed with him any longer.

I am not glad this happened, but I will take whatever wins I can get.

I WILL wear clothes that make me feel good, and I WILL do spa treatments as I please, and I WILL get my nails done when I want to! I will do whatever I need to make ME feel good.

To all my sisters out there, you do you, heal what needs healing, take the wins, big and small, and as Tim Gunn says, make it work!

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