X

Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

more information about cookies...

Return to Forum List

Return to I Can Relate

SurvivingInfidelity.com® > I Can Relate

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Emotionless Infidelity Part 4

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30

Perdita1 posted 2/22/2020 06:26 AM

Falling - Iím sorry youíre struggling recently. I think weíre on similar timelines - Iím just coming up to the 2 year anniversary of D Day. Like you, Iíve been thinking about walking away. One thing that Iím trying to fix myself though is EMDR therapy. I think it has helped to lessen the trauma of D Day. Donít know if that is an option for you?

Outofsorts - Iím sorry your WHís actions were so unhelpful as you come up to your first D Day anniversary. Do you think he forgot, or do you think maybe he was trying to avoid it? I know my WH really struggles with facing his issues head-on, he actually told me (a long time ago now) that if we set a weekly time to talk about his actions he would want to stay at work to avoid it. And I was suggesting setting a weekly time to take the stress off him the rest of the time, because he was so fearful of me talking! Honestly, now I write that out I see how pathetic it is. Or maybe your WH just doesnít get how traumatic these anniversaries are (I know my WH doesnít)? Anyway, how was the 22nd for you? My second DDay anniversary is this coming week and I can feel myself getting tense. Iíve spent most of today ignoring WH.

[This message edited by Perdita1 at 6:29 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)]

outofsorts posted 2/23/2020 20:09 PM

Do you think he forgot, or do you think maybe he was trying to avoid it?

To be honest, I don't know. He says he just forgot (which would not be unusual for him). But either way it was just incredibly thoughtless to not check in with me before agreeing to work on that day in particular - I would be okay with every other day. And we were just talking about the anniversary on Dday in MC on Tuesday and how I was expecting it to be a hard day. I'm at a bit of a loss about this. But this is also the worst thing he has done in a while so.....?

The 22nd ending up being bad, but not as bad as I was worried it would be. The morning was really tough so I basically stayed in bed all day and read, played on the internet, and actually did some work to distract myself.

Perdita - I'm sorry to hear that you are still struggling and your WH hasn't been stepping up like he should! I am glad that the EMDR is helping. I hope that every is as easy as it possibly can be as you head into your 2nd Dday anniversary.

Sadismynewname posted 4/8/2020 17:35 PM

I am 2 years out today and I am still struggling with seeing Asian women on tv, movies, or in person without wanting to strangle them and think what a horrible culture they have for thinking happy ending massages are ok. I know mentally they donít all give bjís but viscerally I just get nauseous when I am around them! I wish this thread were more active and receptive also. I know others have somewhat similar experiences to me.

Butforthegrace posted 4/8/2020 18:21 PM

struggling with seeing Asian women

I completely understand your struggles. Perhaps it might help a bit to see that coin from another side. In the west, Asian women are widely viewed as objects of fetish; they are also widely viewed as naive bimbos, sort of another version of the stereotypical blonde. As a result, a lot of Asian women are victims of sex trafficking (a large percentage of Asian women giving happy ending massages are in this category -- they don't choose that lifestyle); a lot of them experience limited life choices because men are only after them for sex; and a lot of them encounter hurdles against advancing in professional careers because of the stereotype that they are giggling naive dummies.

outofsorts posted 4/8/2020 20:09 PM

Hi SIMNN,

I completely relate to what you are saying. I've had the same experience and still occasionally get triggered by the same thing but I do feel like I'm getting better.

Unfortunately everything that Butforthegrace posted is also true. And I know it. And it makes me feel very racist when I do get triggered by this.

And I know I was not the only "victim" of my WH's massage parlor habit. At least one of the women at the out of state massage parlor was a victim of sex trafficking. And likely the in-state women were also victims of sex-trafficking. And I don't know where to go with this.

In general I just hate this part of the infidelity so much because too many conflicting things are true and I don't know where to go with it and it just swirls around in my head and makes me feel bad.

Sadismynewname posted 4/9/2020 13:30 PM

I am a very educated person and I have read and understand the sex trafficking aspect of it. This particular ex-bar girl (prostitute) now waitress knew he had been married for 36 years but knew her targets well. She had 135 old white men on her ďbooksĒ. I know if my old POS husband valued me this would not of happened but she also thought she was entitled to con some money out of an old fool too!

Perdita1 posted 4/27/2020 08:04 AM

Oh SIMNN, I hear you. Except in my case the prostitute I could find background out about was from Brazil. Itís awful but I canít deal with anything associated with that country without feeling ill. And itís over two years post D-Day for me too.

How is everyone doing? Is everyone in sort some of lockdown? With / without the WS?

I am in semi-lockdown and WH is in the house. Children too. 2 years post D-Day and my most pronounced feeling towards him is disgust. Thereís not much else.

He says heís changed, that heís working hard to fix this. And all I keep thinking is Ďyes, but why werenít you a better person before? Why did you treat women as objects? Why did you betray me so badly?í

Butforthegrace posted 4/27/2020 10:46 AM

She had 135 old white men on her ďbooksĒ. I know if my old POS husband valued me this would not of happened but she also thought she was entitled to con some money out of an old fool too!

Fair enough, but my point is that not all Asian women do this, not even a majority, and in reality a lot of Asian sex workers are forced into this life.

Triggering over an Asian woman has about as much rationality as triggering over a woman generally. After all, your WH cheated with a woman. Why not trigger over all women.

I realize that the pain and triggers associated with being betrayed aren't always rational. Just saying every Asian woman you see on the street is not a cunning slut willing to give up a bit of sex for some of your WH's money.

Sadismynewname posted 5/1/2020 10:39 AM

But for grace of course not every Asian woman isnít a slut. I know young women of any nationality donít go wow I really want to earn a living by giving old men happy endings. I donít know why I am triggered by this and for so long. That is my dilemma. We have Asian exchange students I loved. So, this is so new to me.
Pertia isnít it awful to feel such disgust towards wh and their choices so far out? I keep saying I donít know if I like who you really are. Also, amazing how the internet has made finding out about virtual strangers? I met a Scottish woman living in Saigon that sent her Vietnamese friend to get info for me and that is how I know she was making a good side living with 135 old white dudes on her what she called ďbooksĒ. My daughter had suggested that the con woman might not actually be a con woman and be someone that liked old men....50 years older??? That is why I did some snooping.

[This message edited by Sadismynewname at 11:03 AM, May 1st (Friday)]

Perdita1 posted 5/13/2020 07:47 AM

The disgust, the contempt...itís all been flooding back the last few days. EMDR brought up how much lying and planning goes into this, and I canít seem to deal with it. WH keeps saying that this is nothing new, that of course there were lies - thatís part of the infidelity, but I am really struggling with it.

Sadismynewname posted 5/20/2020 19:35 PM

Perdtia I really struggle with all the manipulation and lies too. I never saw him as a liar and now I catch him in lies all the time. He was given a pass on so many things and now he find it hard when I hold him accountable now.

Perdita1 posted 5/22/2020 07:43 AM

Yes, I see lies all the time now. White lies, nothing that violates trust, but they jar me. But the fact that heís willing to white lie bothers me (but then Iím not big into white lies myself).

Started with a new MC this week - just the assessment. Part of me canít wait to give it a go, the other part is worried itís going to be a waste of time, and yet another is worried that weíve landed on some hideous therapist who is going to rug-sweep his behaviour. Iíve very clearly stated that Iím never going to stop blaming him for what he did, so no need to ask me to do that, and that I want to look at how my trauma resurfaces and how he should deal with that. So...fingers crossed.

[This message edited by Perdita1 at 7:44 AM, May 22nd (Friday)]

Sadismynewname posted 6/13/2020 15:33 PM

Permits how did the new counselor do?

Perdita1 posted 6/19/2020 07:37 AM

Thanks for asking SIMNN. Had a few sessions with the new MC. I think sheís definitely better than the old one - she doesnít let him run away from hard conversations, or just throw his hands up and say Ďthatís how he isí when talking about his defects.

Iím not loving that amount of work I have to put into this process though - it seems very unfair that I have to do so much work when he messed up so badly. And there have been some comments on my mindset and the lens through which I view the situation that I need to think about and decide how they sit with me.

How are things with you SIMNN?

Sadismynewname posted 6/19/2020 15:47 PM

Perdita Oh I get it. They put this baloney into our lives and we end up doing most of the work. I seem to have entered a phase of kind of acceptance now a little over 2 years out. It stinks that a marriage and a man I was so proud of is now a source of embarrassment.

Perdita1 posted 6/23/2020 07:05 AM

The embarrassment is killing me. There was a point when I was so proud of him. Thatís gone. Sex workers for crying out loud. I have no words for how disgusted I am when I think about it.

Oh, and I had a killer line today. Apparently at the time he was thinking that emotionless infidelity was not Ďreallyí stepping out on the marriage. Yeah right, so why not tell me about it? Iím surprised I could listen to such rubbish so calmly. I lost it later in the day though, so maybe it was just a slow burning rage.

So my individual therapist said something that helped when I was talking about the work and the unfairness of having to do so much. I canít recall it word for word, but she basically acknowledged the unfairness but pointed out that the reality is I am in the situation (though I shouldnít be). Iím not sure how that helped (maybe it was the acknowledgment of a professional?) but Iím feeling better about having to work (for today at least).

DevastatedDee posted 6/23/2020 07:24 AM

Apparently at the time he was thinking that emotionless infidelity was not Ďreallyí stepping out on the marriage.

I heard the same thing. I suggested that he was a really inconsiderate asshole not to have shared that with me, as he had deprived me of years of casual sex with any number of men that I wouldn't even have had to pay for. For some reason it wouldn't have been okay for me to do the same things he did.

The risk to your health alone is an outrage. I wouldn't touch any man who I knew was engaging in sex with prostitutes, and there I was sharing a bed with one of those men every night. Completely unprotected sex with the kind of guy I wouldn't even knowingly kiss. Your disgust is completely natural.

Sadismynewname posted 6/23/2020 17:42 PM

Oh Devastated Dee I also got not really an affair. I was a faithful wife to a completely impotent man for 21 years. I also said well I could have been out there enjoying sex for free all this time then!

BlackRaven posted 7/7/2020 02:07 AM

I'm 3 months out from DD1 and 2.5 weeks out from DD2 after TT. My WH had four affairs, dating back 16 years, all with COWs. The first three were - in his own words - opportunistic. There was no emotional involvement, no big flirtation lead up, nothing being mirrored. It was just 2 (married) people staying late in the office and bam, she was over his desk, or in the bathroom, or in the lounge. The most recent one, the one I discovered, was emotional, and they'd known each other a few years at least, through he really knew nothing about her.

WH wants to reconcile and since DD1 has been doing some serious work in IM, dealing with a lot of FOO shit and ACoA. It's nice, but I wish it had been 20 years ago, and I don't trust it yet.

One of the things that's been going through my mind a lot lately is that I can't think of him screwing these women in such an absolutely meaningless way without thinking that it was somehow directed at me, intended to hurt me. At least the most recent one was someone he flirted with, and he had been really unhappy for a while, but the earlier ones - they don't make much sense.

I once had a long term bf before and found out he was engaged to someone else the entire time. It devastated me, and I always told my WH that an affair would kill me (and that I'd leave him.)

We're separated now and I don't know if we will R or D, but I do know that I feel like the affairs were somehow directed at me.

Has anyone else experienced this? Did you come to believe it wasn't an assault on you?

outofsorts posted 7/9/2020 21:28 PM

Hi BlackRaven,

I am so sorry you are in this situation. But since you are SI is a good place to be.

There are people a lot wiser than me that periodically check this thread out and hopefully one of them will be along shortly with better help for you.

One of the things that's been going through my mind a lot lately is that I can't think of him screwing these women in such an absolutely meaningless way without thinking that it was somehow directed at me, intended to hurt me. At least the most recent one was someone he flirted with, and he had been really unhappy for a while, but the earlier ones - they don't make much sense.

I think I did feel like this very briefly - that WH's cheating was kind of a big FU to me. But - for whatever reason - this was not one of the many painful aspects of infidelity that seem to linger for so long. I did have the hardest time not blaming WH's cheating on myself, and still struggle with this on occasion. I wonder if this is just another way of blaming yourself for the infidelity....

I obviously have no idea if this was one of your WH's reasons why he told himself that he was cheating. Even IF it was though, it still speaks way more about him and how he is broken than anything you may have possibly done.

It might be helpful to ask about this in the BS Questions for WS thread in this Forum. Also, if you haven't already, try discussing it in counseling.

(((hugs))) Your so early in the process, it really sucks right where you are.

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30

Return to Forum List

Return to I Can Relate

© 2002-2020 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy