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Emotionless Infidelity Part 4

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Superesse posted 11/4/2018 21:21 PM

Long Sigh, maybe your WH still, deep down, believes that Men are fundamentally not monogamous, whereas Women are fundamentally monogamous? Tell him to go back to school on that one, or at least, come here to SI and read all the stories by BHs - they could inform him that not ALL men are polyamorous, as a comparison to the group of horn dogs that he still may be believing are the norm? Sheesh...talk about Archtypes ruling people's psyches! Carl Jung may not have been so crazy, after all.

Whew. That felt good...

Well, to correct my story a bit, my WH isn't actually an unattractive man, he is just "morbidly obese." I still notice women tend to turn their heads a bit around him, too; but to me, he just looks...better with his clothes on, KWIM? Yes, he would be more attractive if he lost his huge gut, but he has been heavy and large-boned, as they say, all his life. I don't doubt it had something to do with his childhood, and emotional eating.

And to answer your follow-up questions...I tell myself to be content with memories from my years as a single gal, before I met my WH... 😌 So no, I truly don't miss "sex," per se, whatsoever! What I DO miss, is the physical closeness and warmth of a trusted human male who would really want to be close to me, so he could touch my body with love and sincere attention. As you know, these EI guys have issues with that kind of intimacy. If he were a woman, the old term would have been "what a cold fish." 🐠

The last part of your post had me a little confused, sorry: if you have seen a complete turn-around in him after he finally "GOT IT?" (ed.: I will always have a question mark with these guys), then I presume you have been able to be intimate with him only because he first became transparent, is that right? Or, did he continue to TT even after you "took him back," as they say? If so, I can see where the triggers are coming from. Because that is what is bugging you the most, right?

LongSigh posted 11/5/2018 17:00 PM

Super,

I donít think my husband has ever been one of those dudes that believes men are naturally polyarmorous. Iím the only woman heís ever actually cheated on. I hesitated to believe that one but Iíve dug enough Iím pretty certain that itís true. What I meant is that he seems to display the most guilt when I say something that indicates my changed life perspective. Like, if a discussion about love comes up and I say something along the lines of ďI donít believe that itís any more than a chemical reaction designed to propagate the speciesĒ, his eyes get glassy. Anything that expresses my cynicism toward real love, deep pair bonding or stuff like that makes him sad.

He told me he cheated In May 2017. I decided Iíd give him a chance again around August. 2017. The trickle truth didnít stop until sometime around April of 2018, if it ever did. So around 11 months after he initially told me and 9 months after I decided to work it out. After that, convincing myself to stay was a fully time job. Itís getting easier. Most days I think itís worth staying, but I am definitely still bugged by how much, and for how long, he lied. Hell, 3/4 of the time I wonder if he still is.

Sadismynewname posted 11/6/2018 15:39 PM

I notice alot of EI affairs here have to do with an aisn massage places. Since my wh infidelity was with a young Vietnamese woman I can't stand the sight of them. Has anyone else had this issue?

marji posted 11/7/2018 16:07 PM

Sadie I am so sorry that you are dealing with this whole horrible issue too.

There are many Asian heritage people where I live; we had Korean neighbors when I first learned of my H's habit. They were constant triggers; still are to some degree but it's not as sharp three years later.

I still sometimes wonder if he's reminded of what he did when he passes young women of Asian heritage on the street or when they stop to ask directions. I've asked and he says no.

I never feel any negative feelings towards the women; not even towards those who really worked the parlors he went to--my feelings of disgust were all about him; his lack of humanity; his lack of sensitivity and empathy; his stomach of steel and feeling of entitlement that allowed him to exploit those poor women; his pathetic neediness, attitude and degenerate ability to enjoy what he knew was disgusting to the women who did that type of work; his enjoyment of impersonal sex; his ability to lead a double life and exploit and abuse me as he exploited and abused them. All revolting.

You live in the Northwest and I imagine have lots of opportunity to see young women who might trigger awful feelings. But actually it could be all types of young women; some of the women who work the parlors are from Russia and Ukraine; their ethnicity hardly matters to me except as it is sometimes a more vivid reminder.

If you are new to this then trust that in time the triggers will be less in intensity.

marji posted 11/7/2018 18:24 PM

Hey Shirly Nice to see you back--and you're sounding good. Hope you're feeling better and better these days.

rebplay posted 11/8/2018 20:22 PM

Longsigh- I totally get your sentiments. I believed my h was true and real and our love was fairytale special. Yah, Iíll never think of love the same way again. I donít even know if I could completely love again. Iíll always have doubts now. My h had (as far as I know) never cheated before me either. Weíd both been cheated on in past relationships so I really thought that made it stronger to never cheat on each other. Ugh. Sickening

Sad- Im so sorry youíre triggering seeing Asian females. Time should help that not be so intense.

Marji- how are you doing lately? Still in functional ok land? Seems to be a good place to get to for many of us.

Super- are you managing ok lately?

Shocked123 posted 11/9/2018 08:44 AM

I too have issues with Asian women now. It is very unfortunate that I am judging an entire race simply because my H's bad habit began in China and continued in Asian neighbourhoods back home. My H's friend who introduced him to 'good" local parlours is Korean so that adds to my stereotyping.
Marji, you are correct in saying that many "massage therapists" are also Russsian or of Eastern European descent. My H mentioned that they are competing with the Asian monopoly for parlors.
When I am with my H and I see young attractive Asian women (they truly are very beautiful!) and wonder if he longs for that type of company. I observe their lean bodies and become self-conscious of mine.
I feel guilty judging an entire race.
I did overcome a huge trigger this past weeekend. One of my good friends is Asian and I attended her 50th birthday celebration in a roomful of her relatives. I was very proud of myself; not one snarky remark or thought about what he had done with women of that race. In fact, we had a very nice evening. Guess time does help heal a little. Slowly but surely...

rebplay posted 11/10/2018 16:57 PM

Shocked- wow you did great to make it through a party with all the possible triggers! Time helps the most. It doesnít make it go away but more manageable.

Nevertome posted 11/10/2018 23:24 PM

husband said he felt dirty about himself and therefore wanted the dirtiest of options. Actually wanted the easy sleazy women who wanted him for his status and money. Asian massage, strippers, and young black girls. very hard to not stereotype in my life

Sadismynewname posted 11/11/2018 07:17 AM

If you read my story you will see I once had empathy for women in third world countries too but not once in any of those other countries that we have visited did a waitress try and contact my husband. This piece of shit asked to see my picture and asked about our family then proceeded to interfer with my marriage. I have seen time after time where the Vietnamese women get very angry when someone might interfere with their husband/boyfriend. So they understand marriage and what it entails. I thought it might be a culture thing but I truly believe she saw him as the golden good.

veryhurt2018 posted 11/11/2018 11:32 AM

I posted this in the "General SectionĒ but thought I would also post it here as I'm here all the time as well. Yesterday was the 6-month anniversary of the day that changed my life forever. I canít believe I actually lived through the last 6 months and I guess I should be thankful that Iím alive. I went from thinking that I had the perfect life; two wonderful teenage boys, a successful husband who I was not only madly in love with and who loved me back, but also who provided a wonderful life for us that most people dream of, to wishing I had never met him, and wanting to end it all in a 1-week span.

It all started when I borrowed WHís iWatch to go workout. It was no secret, as I had asked him to use it. He handed it to me and then said good-bye to go to work. As I was getting ready to go work-out, I was trying to change the iWatch profile from him to me, so that I could track my calories, a text popped up. I can still remember the EXACT words. It was written by my WH and it said, ďHi Aamira, we hooked up last month, but I canít find your profile on Eros. Are you available to hookup?Ē At first, stupid me thought this was related to work and maybe it was some type of business thing, until I went to my office and googled ďErosĒ, only to have the shock of my life. It was an escort website. I started feeling nauseous. I then spent a few hours doing some sleuth work and after figuring out a way to recover about two years of deleted text messages, I found about 100 texts from prostitutes, and tracked his iPhone to 20 hotels during his lunch hours during the week. I called my two good friends to tell them what I had found, and that I didnít think I could stand the pain and to come help me. I then called my WH to tell him that I knew that he had cheated on me with prostitutes and that he had to come home. He said he was in a meeting and would get out as fast as he could to come home. Before my two friends got here, I had already drank two bottles of wine, and consumed other random drinks that I could find, all of which to numb the extreme pain. I donít really remember much of the next 48 hours, just snapshots. I remember cop cars, ambulances, fire trucks, neighbors, and EMTís yelling things like, ďher heartbeat and low and breathing is shallowĒ. I ended up in the hospital and my blood/alcohol level was a .45. Just to give you an idea how close I came to dying, .50 is dead. At one point, one of the doctors came in to tell me that I am lucky to be alive. I called my parents, who live 3,000 miles from me, and begged them to help me and my mom jumped on a plane 8 hours later to rescue me.

For the next 8 weeks, I was either in bed or at therapy. My mom took over my life, as I was not functioning well at all. I couldnít get out of bed, and I couldnít eat at all. The only thing I wanted to do was numb the pain. I was cycling through anger/rage and extreme pain/hurt every few hours! I was going to Individual therapy, couplesí therapy, and group therapy for spouses of SA, and WH was doing the same. I learned in couplesí therapy that my WH felt that he wasnít getting enough sex, even though he NEVER said anything to me about this. He told me that he felt that he didnít want to put any stress on our otherwise happy life, so he decided to go elsewhere to satisfy his needs. This little decision ended up turning into an addiction. We have learned a lot more, but I wonít bore you with all the details. Iím hoping that we will be able to heal, as we both really want it. We have almost 20 years together, 2 beautiful sons, and a great lifeÖexcept for this one enormous and extremely painful thing.

Overall, Iíve discovered that I can never ever judge another person for a decision they make to stay with or leave a spouse due to infidelity. I always thought my WH would never do that t to me, and that was in ďother peoplesí worlds, not mineĒ. I always said that I would leave if I was betrayed, and now that Iím in this situation, itís easier said than done. These are the things that have learned or that I want to share:

ē I never thought I had as much anger in me as I have had in the last 6 months.
ē I have always been really good with computers but never thought I could learn so much about my WH in a few hours of snooping.
ē We both got tested for all STIís but the 4-month wait before the second test for HIV felt like the longest wait of our lives. I think we were very lucky, as everything was negative.
ē Iíve had to go on several medicines to get through this trauma.
ē I havenít had a good night's sleep since May 9th, 2018.
ē Weíve spent $30K on therapy, and probably have years more therapy to heal.
ē Iíve lost 50 pounds (all of which was needed, but I don't recommend this type of diet to anyone).
ē I feel like I'll never be as carefree as I was prior to May 9th.
ē Iíll never fully trust another man again.
ē I chose to tell several people, in the beginning stages of this, most of which I regret, as I did it to hurt my WH. The one person that was pained the most (besides me) was my dad, as he feels that he lost his second son (his other son is my brother). Although he will forgive him and support my decision to stay married, he will never fully trust him again either.
ē Although the pain has gotten better, I do feel like it will never fully go away, and I will carry this the rest of my life.
ē I still ask my WH about every few days, ďWhy did you do it?Ē, and he still to this day doesnít really have an answer that Iím satisfied with.

Although I donít post on SI very much, I probably read on this site about 1-2 times a day, and it keeps me sane. I thank all of you for your posts and wish I felt like I could write back. Frankly, I feel like I never have the right words or the time.

I, for now, am working through this with my WH by my side, but I know everyone is different, and I understand a lot of BS's decisions will be divorce/separation. For me, we married for better or for worse, and Iím just trying to give it everything I have, for what to me, is the worst time of my life.

VeryHurt2018

Bestthing posted 11/11/2018 12:46 PM

Veryhurt,

Thanks for posting. You took the words right out of my mouth. I thought we my H and I were special. 10 months later, I am still grieving that he is not the special person I thought he was. It is also hard to know that I will never experience that peace of trust again with a man.

Bestthing posted 11/11/2018 14:57 PM

Sadismynewname,

A waitress just hit on your H like that? Who was he with then? Thatís freaky scary. They exchanged phone numbers, under what pretense?

I had shared similar sentiments about Asian women on SI. I am Asian myself and has never ever dated married men or even dated men with girlfriends. Itís been my womenís code since I was a teenager. I just donít know why women canít all get it together on this code. I obviously cannot get triggered by all Asian women, so I have it pinned down to a particular kind: Westernized, competitive, manipulative, boisterous, middle aged women who missed out on the drunken wet t-shirt contest in Cancun 25 years ago because they were not pretty enough kind.

One such woman was at a party my H and I attended last night. Our childrenís path crossed 12 years ago. We have already caught up, but my poor H didnít know that. She walked up to my H all friendly and my H literally backed up. I havenít spoken to my H for 48 hours and had just made up earlier in the day. The last thing he needed was an Asian woman fitting that stereotype touching him. I think he did well last night. A few hours later, Ms. Friendly was drunk and dancing provocatively with another woman. Itís not that they are prettier really. Itís just that they advertise.

Shocked, in Asian cultures women spend a big chunk of their income on beauty supplies, rituals, cosmetic surgery, etc. In Korea, itís not unusual for a teenager to have had three plastic surgery operations. Some women look like anime characters. Itís fucking fake. If men like dolls, they should get a blow-up one.

Anyway, I am with Marji. I am such a strong womenís rights advocate and had worked to protect abused women including trafficked women in the past. To find out that my own H frequented massage parlors made me lost so much respect for him. He said he never touched them and kept his eyes closed. On pornhub, I watched a video where a man put the masseuseís pants down a little and inserted his hand on her butt. She didnít look like she liked it. The worse part is that this woman looks like a typical middle age mom, nothing hot or sexual about her. Itís like putting his hand on my auntieís butt. WTF? I am sorry if that is too much info. Itís just something I am trying to reconcile-my H taking advantage of women who donít want to do that job! I wish the police will raid these places and close them down.

Sadismynewname posted 11/11/2018 19:33 PM

Best thing I am glad you are not taking my statement personal but it is such a huge trigger for me now. I too like many here thought I had the best life and marriage possible. Everyone says he is so shy and reserved how in the world? It was that piece of shit that had planning this Vietnam trips that instigated it. You should have seen all the pictures I Of hiim with girls that looked like teenagers I found ...not my husband with them but that 72 year old prevert that planned it. It has changed my life completely. I thought my 35 year marriage was one place I was most successful at.

marji posted 11/11/2018 20:35 PM

Best if this is your first visit joining us here in the EI group, welcome.

When I first came to SI three years and 4 months ago (OMG, can't believe it) there was no such group though fortunately the very kind people in the LTA and SA group let me join there--my H had been engaging long term for sure-10+ years, so I qualified in that respect even though he had not had a traditional affair--but his affair was with the parlors so I qualified for the SA group as well even though he seemed not to have ongoing impulses, urges, torments, or other SA associated feelings such as shame. Just a regular, habitual and compulsive user until D-day.

But that's a long segue into my appreciating the creation of the EI group. The people here have been very kind; very supportive. Very understanding. No real 2x4'ers here-I think most of us feel it unnecessary. So you've come to a good place even though such a horrible reality brings you here.

Of course the whole matter of feelings about the women who our H's used time and time again often comes up here. After three years it still bothers me greatly not only that my H could stomach such an activity, support the billion dollar sex trade with his and our money time and time again, exploit me by living with me at the same time and in that sense raping me regularly albeit without my knowledge--a different kind of rape but rape for sure. Lately it bothers me that I can continue to live with him knowing what he was capable of and how he lived his life. No longer ignorant of it all now I feel complicit. Not every minute of every waking hour--but often. Just as I ask of him, how could you do it, I can imagine someone wondering how I have the stomach to share my life with someone like that.

My excuse, rationale, whatever to name it, is my age together with his seeming to try to change into a decent, wholesome human being.

And back to the whole issue of feelings towards the women--they are pathetic people who I imagine feel themselves to have little choice in life. Some have had their passports taken; some are addicts. It's all extremely sad and disgusting. Surely not a career path they want for their daughters.

And yes. The places should all be shut down. The men who go to the places should be arrested. Lots of "shoulds" but no real action taken.

LongSigh posted 11/13/2018 04:34 AM

Oh ladies,

Itís with a heavy heart that I write this one. Iím throwing in the towel. Nearly two years in and I just canít take it anymore. I feel suffocated and trapped by all the doubt and bitterness. Itís taken over my life. My hearts so sad cause I do really love my husband. I think Iíve just accepted that we are far too damaged. Not being able to trust or believe him..... I canít breath past it. Literally still have anxiety symptoms, racing heart and loss of breath, and panic, almost two years later. Itís so fucking sad, everything that he threw away.

Iím going crazy. Almost two years and weíre functional, even happy sometimes, but itís ALWAYS in the forefront of my mind. Iím scared. I donít want to be alone. I donít want to not have him. I just canít accept it. Acceptance is the first step and I canít accept it, hell I still think I dont know all of it. The fear of this happening again, of still being lied to, of being the running joke in his life, it paralyzes me.

I feel really weak in this decision but canít see any other way through.

Bestthing posted 11/13/2018 06:20 AM

Thanks for he welcome, Marji. I posted under General an action that my WH and I are taking because of your post. We were going to call to report the massage parlor last night but decided to write an anonymous letter to L and I and DA office instead.

Longsigh, it is sad when infidelity breaks up the marriage of two people who love each other. You put in 2 years and really tried. I am only 11 months out and not in a position to give you advice. Like you, I have to constantly fight the feeling that there is more I wasnít told. My wH trickle truthed and minimized for 8 months. Evidence really helped me. I needed it to heal. I finally had to ask the OBS for the OWís phone bill. It hurt to see how much time he wasted with her, but I got confirmation that the timeline he gave me was pretty accurate. Have you tried Polygraph yet? Since you have decided to throw in the towel, does part of you feel freed. Does it feel right even though you are sad?

veryhurt2018 posted 11/13/2018 10:04 AM

LongSigh, I'm so sorry, but completely understand. You need a village to get through this and you WILL get through this, and you have SI, your Village. You are strong!! You will be in my thoughts and prayers!!!

Iím going crazy. Almost two years and weíre functional, even happy sometimes, but itís ALWAYS in the forefront of my mind. Iím scared. I donít want to be alone. I donít want to not have him. I just canít accept it. Acceptance is the first step and I canít accept it, hell I still think I dont know all of it. The fear of this happening again, of still being lied to, of being the running joke in his life, it paralyzes me.

You took the words right out of my mouth as I totally could have written this. I don't think when WS's do this, they have any idea of the consequences to the BS!! It's life changing!!!

[This message edited by veryhurt2018 at 11:31 AM, November 13th (Tuesday)]

Superesse posted 11/13/2018 11:00 AM

Long Sigh, such a big change since your last update, where you were overall sounding encouraged....as Bestthing asked, I wonder: how do you feel, now that you seem to have realized your way out of this situation means completely leaving him? Answering that may help reveal your best course, I suspect.

I am somewhat like you, in that Acceptance, the "final" stage in processing grief, eluded me, ever since D-Day 1. But I think we often have internal timetables we try to balance our lives against, so we often are just struggling to keep our equilibrium through the worst of life. Then, when things seem to free us, it can be amazing how quickly our inner compass may swing. If that happens, I suspect it indicates we were holding on for our own stability, more than from hope....speaking from my own experience, of course.

Is this decision in some way related to your finishing your education and feeling "ready" to move on to new life?

Perdita1 posted 11/14/2018 06:33 AM

Hi everyone. This is my first post, although Iíve been reading SI for a while. Iím here for the same reason - I found out 9 months ago that my H had been engaging in EI over the past 5 years. (Ugh, it feels dirty to even write.) It was a huge shock, and Iíve been in therapy ever since.

[This message edited by Perdita1 at 6:35 AM, November 14th (Wednesday)]

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