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Emotionless Infidelity Part 4

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DestroyedWife80 posted 10/14/2018 11:24 AM

Hello to everyone here! I am new but I think this might be a good place for me to seek advice and understanding.

Long story short- began dating my husband in January 2017. We married April 2018. Bought a new house July 2018. D-Day was August 2018.

He lied to my face about FB messenger (saw the app pop up, he types a reply and closes it- I ask who it was, he says "No one. It was my news app.") and I went through his iPad and cell phone behind his back.

He had sexting relationships (messages, phone calls, pics, videos, plenty of invites, denying he had a wife or girlfriend) with 5-6 other women. I was unable to 'prove' any physical interaction.

Also he was searching and calling escorts- mainly just before periods of time I was unable to contact him for ~45min at a time. Also suspicious ATM withdraws from his personal account for hundreds of $ (which I see his charges on our account for all his food/hair cuts/laundry...basically anything he would need to buy...so what's the hundreds of $ in cash for?!)

D-Day- I confront. He denies. The sexting was 'just BS words he typed'. He would not even admit to calling the escorts even after showing him the screen shots.

I would like to R, but have low faith bc he refuses to talk about 'anything that happened in the past' And shows low remorse or understanding for the damage he has done. It's basically me being an obsessive psycho that can't 'let it go' and 'get over it'.

[This message edited by DestroyedWife80 at 11:26 AM, October 14th (Sunday)]

DestroyedWife80 posted 10/14/2018 11:30 AM

TexasBroken-

OMG! I absolutely 'get' what you mean about this being worse than the 1st D day. Wow :-( I mean, after the 1st one and he is showing appropriate remorse etc there is hope!

I am so sorry that is devastating!!

TexasBroken posted 10/14/2018 19:48 PM

Hello @Destroyed. My heart aches so bad. I really wanted to believe he was a good man. Now I'm left changing diapers and feeding our daughter in the middle of the night by myself when just the other week it was a team effort. This hurts so bad.

I'm sorry your husband isn't confessing his wrongs. Your marriage is so new. It should be a time of pure bliss,

DestroyedWife80 posted 10/14/2018 23:00 PM

Texas- I left my daughters father 10 years ago, when she was 2 years old. I will say- it isn't bad!!! It isn't the ideal (2 parent household) but since she doesn't ever remember a time when we were together it's easier on her and it's her 'normal'. Her dad and I work hard to be fair and always do the right thing for her.

Her and I are super close and I wouldn't change anything about what I did. It really did 'turn out ok in the end'.

I know it's hard to imagine that at this point- and I hope you understand I'm not at all minimizing anything- but I just wanted to let you know my perspective so many years out. :-)

[This message edited by DestroyedWife80 at 11:01 PM, October 14th (Sunday)]

TexasBroken posted 10/15/2018 20:15 PM

I'm looking forward to when it doesn't hurt anymore. When I can change my daughter without crying. When I can work a full day without zoning out mid conversation.

He sent an email since I won't answer his calls and texts.
Apologies all around but not without telling me he was just searching for the attention I stopped giving him. Well sir, I probably stopped giving you attention because I couldn't see past you fukn a prostitute!

rebplay posted 10/15/2018 21:10 PM

Texas- Iím so sorry for your pain. Thereís nothing to make it better but time. I canít believe heís rationalizing his behavior that his needs arent being met. Thereís NO EXCUSE for betrayal. With a baby, everybodyís needs get pushed aside some cause the baby has the most needs right now. You know all this, Iím just mad for you. Heís being selfish. Iím so so sorry. Itís cruel of him to put you through another DDay.

DestroyedWife80 posted 10/15/2018 22:43 PM

Well sir, I probably stopped giving you attention because I couldn't see past you fukn a prostitute!

EXACTLY! WTF is wrong with them, ugh!

They have to turn everything around to 'poor them'...when THEY are the reason the situation exists to begin with!!!

rebplay posted 10/16/2018 05:56 AM

Destroyedwife- wow Iím so sorry you have to find yourself here. You probably already know that itís normal for them to minimize and hide and lie lots of information especially when first caught. I donít know if I ever got the full truth although he still claims it is. And this being your second marriage Iím sure you thought itíd be different, especially in the beginning. I canít imagine how overwhelmed you are. Iím so sorry.

TexasBroken posted 10/16/2018 18:14 PM

Thank you Reb. I'm so sad. My heart is so broken, thats an understatement actually.
I just want to go away.
My financial situation is terrible. He was out of work due to an injury now everything is on me.

rebplay posted 10/16/2018 18:35 PM

Texas- when I was considering leaving (ending things) it was overwhelming thinking how things would be arranged with both of us on house, vehicles, retirement plans etc. i wasnít sure how weíd work all that out. I didnít have to do it but just thinking it all through was mind boggling. Iím sorry youíre facing those things.

Tim3167 posted 10/18/2018 14:38 PM

Hello everyone. Poking my head in to see if this is a place that I could find people in similar situations.

On a quick scan of the posts here it seems the great majority are concerning male infidelity with no emotional attachment.

I feel that my wife really fits into this and I feel a need to connect with others that have similar situations.

My wife has some abandonment issues from her father in childhood after her mother died when she was 9. She has battled self esteem and confidence issues.

Around 2 years ago she admits to becoming more flirtatious at work as she loved the attention. This eventually led to attention from men and propositions that she didn't turn down. These weren't relationships per se but intermittent hookups with a few different guys over 10 months until I discovered. She keeps saying she wanted that feeling of being wanted.

Since then she has been in weekly individual therapy to understand how to feel wanted and desired in other parts of her life and not to use sex to get act feeling,

I just have such a hard time understanding how somebody can move to full fledged sexual activity so casually and quickly with men she hardly knows. While not conquering all of her issues I do see changes but there is a long road ahead. She adamantly says she does not feel the need to look for that type of attention now.

We have been having a tough time of it. Her with hating herself and being disgusted with her actions...and me not really understanding at all. My lack of understanding is really causing an issue with me truly connecting with her as she seems like an alien to me when looking at those actions.

Anyway, not sure if this is right for this topic but I've been having trouble finding the right spot. Not looking for the run away and far away crowd. I'm trying to make this work with someone who has been very broken.

TexasBroken posted 10/18/2018 19:19 PM

Tim, I think we've had a guy post in here before. I'm pretty knew around here but I think you'll find the support you're seeking here.
I commend you for seeing through to the root of her actions and sticking it out, that takes courage and thick skin. You know it's not about you but something within her.
May I ask, is she seeking counseling for SA? Is this something you guys have discussed?

rebplay posted 10/18/2018 20:15 PM

Tim- welcome. I get the ďmy spouse is an alien.Ē After three years I still sometimes wonder who my h is and how he did what he did. I think we can never truly grasp this part, ever, cause we didnít do the actions and just couldnít. I felt like reality was completely shaken. Over time when they start demonstrating safe behaviors it gets better but Iíll never feel that complete trust and safety again. Just bring honest. Itís a long road and if theyíre doing their part plus lots of time, it can get better. Thereís lots of back and forth moments from feeling a little better, then freaking out then feeling a little better. The rollercoaster is tough but normal. You may seem fine then just lose it. Youíre not crazy, youíre dealing with a traumatic response. Feel free to talk openly. This thread typically doesnít have hammers. Itís been slow lately.

marji posted 10/18/2018 21:57 PM

Tim, you are certainly welcome and Rebplay really said it all so well about the roller coaster of feelings and how you can come to feel better if your wife continually shows care, and respect and gives you each and every day further demonstration of her safe behavior.

As you said it's a long and difficult road but some do manage it.

Although my H doesn't have typical SA feelings, thoughts or SA struggles he did indulge for over ten years each week very compulsively so he attends an SA a group and I attend an SANON group. I find the support group very helpful. It's mostly women but there is a man in the group and he's been there for over ten years. He feels very comfortable and we all feel very comfortable with him. So you might find such a group helpful and you may find it helps you as well as your wife if she regularly attends an SA group; again, she might be the only woman but if she finds the right group it might really help. There are other support groups such as BAN that have members who have been subjected to a broad variety of betrayals.

You seem like a very kind and caring person. Hope you are taking care of yourself.

Tim3167 posted 10/19/2018 08:26 AM

Re: the question her getting specific SA counseling.

Her therapist she has been working with has really focused on her finding positive avenues for feeling value and her coping mechanisms. He says he has experience with SA and doesn't think its that.

We have been reading a bit more on this though and I think she would like to find another therapist for another opinion. The logic to this point has been it wasn't that since she doesn't feel it was about sex and doesn't feel like she has a need for that that she has to battle.

Reading though it seems that its not that simple at all.

marji posted 10/19/2018 19:19 PM

Tim there are free online tests for SA; one is given by the Carnes Institute. If she answers all questions completely honestly she should have a better sense of whether she is dealing with SA.

Sherlytemple posted 10/19/2018 21:22 PM

Hi everyone,

I'm back. It is SO NICE to see familiar names and "friendly faces" still here. Makes me sigh in relief. I have been thinking about all of you.

I had to change ages and BDs on my profile... that's how long it's been!

Just wanted to say, hi, and give everybody a huge warm hug. It as been super rough, trying to survive, Not ready to spill... but it's time for me to emerge again.

will be reading and catching up.... sending you all good thoughts


DestroyedWife80 posted 10/20/2018 23:31 PM

So, WH travels a LOT for business. Bad news, for a SA, huh?

Obviously he knows I go through his phone and iPad (when he can't see me do it) & I am CERTAIN he 'sanitizes' them before he gets home.

Yesterday he got back from a trip to Memphis. Today I get the chance to go through his phone & ipad. Nothing in the usual spots (calls, texts, internet history, FB messages). But I see several addresses in his Google maps search history- take a pic w my phone to research later when I'm alone. One was a massage therapist and one was a gay bar (open til 3am).

We both have Life360 GPS app on our phones (the one thing he agreed to)- so I know that his personal phone never went to those places- but what about at night when he tells me he's going to sleep & then he could leave with his work phone only (forwarding his personal maybe in case I call in an emergency)?

Who knows but it's just more crap!!! I don't trust him at ALL! I hate this feeling SO much!!!

[This message edited by DestroyedWife80 at 11:33 PM, October 20th (Saturday)]

Shocked123 posted 10/21/2018 08:26 AM

He googled locations of a massage therapist and gay bar?
Isn't that proof enough? Whether he went or not is not even relevant at this point. He is researching activities that are outside your marriage.
My husband travels a lot for work as well. Mostly in Asia.
Since D day, he has been once but I sent our daughter with him. His next trip will likely be alone. I am terrified he will fall back into his ASM habit while there.
If you have tips on how to keep track of your H's location while abroad, please share. Not sure it's as easy as US travel.
Sorry about what you discovered.

DestroyedWife80 posted 10/21/2018 17:11 PM

Download the life360 app! It says international service. But there is a # i would call and ask first!

Good luck! I am sorry you even have to worry about it

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