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For Those Who Found Out Years Later

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mrplspls posted 10/20/2020 10:02 AM

Throwaway 999, thank you for your kind and thoughtful response.

Oldwounds posted 10/20/2020 11:03 AM

somebody suggested I participate here.. posted in just found out. Should I repost or will folks find my story by clicking my name? new here

I read and posted on that thread.

Again, sorry to see you hear with us.

This thread does move a bit slow at times, but it was critical to my healing. When you're ready, you may want to click back and read the old posts in this thread. You'll find elements that apply to you now and like everything else at SI, some responses just don't fit your situation.

As I noted on your thread, the one big thing is to be kind to yourself. Just because it happened years ago -- it doesn't diminish the pain of your very recent discovery.

It can 2-5 years to fully process what you're learning now.

Take your time, step back as needed, read and post when you can.

mrplspls posted 10/21/2020 15:24 PM

Oldwounds

Thank you for post and thoughts.

I think the move slow aspect of this thread suits me. I do want to build a future with my wife. She has been devoted to me for 32 years. We have three adult children.
I can't control the past. I can't impose consequences on 2020 wife for 1987 and 1988 wife.

The quick harsh judgements of the just found out thread shake me.

I am trying to make the best of a nightmare situation.

At any time I could pull the plug and leave her, but she would so land on her feet, what would I accomplish other than compounding my misery with loss?

Oldwounds posted 10/21/2020 15:58 PM

Mrplspls -

I can't control the past.

I think this is a healthy perspective, itís very true.

I can't impose consequences on 2020 wife for 1987 and 1988 wife.

I would say that even if we could impose consequences ó there is no way to balance the injustice of infidelity. That said, punishing your partner isnít going to help rebuild the newly discovered damage in the relationship.

The quick harsh judgements of the just found out thread shake me.

Everyone means well. Most members are looking for you to protect yourself from getting hurt more. They want you to ask the tough questions to get as much of the truth as you can find. At the very least, you deserve some honesty going forward.

I am trying to make the best of a nightmare situation.

As are we all.

You will get there. We all do, regardless of the path we take.

At any time I could pull the plug and leave her, but she would so land on her feet, what would I accomplish other than compounding my misery with loss?

You do always have that option. But I do think you may need more information in order to best determine your future. For most of us, the first instinct is to save our marriage ó and you may yet do that. However, you do need to figure out why your wife made the choices she made. If our spouses donít work on why they did it, they may make similar choices again in the face of adversity.

And 2-5 years does sound daunting. I was certain I couldnít survive the pain that long. But I did.

The first few months left me in shock, the next few months I chased down the real truth ó my wife confessed but held back key details. Then it takes time to reassemble the puzzle of the life you thought you had to the real puzzle that was your life.

Infidelity is cruel ó we get put into competitions we didnít know we were in.

It takes time to heal from all that.

Keep breathing. Keep reading. Keep posting. Ask all the questions you need, at home and here.

Marlita posted 10/21/2020 20:02 PM

Throwaway999

Wow! I am sad, but oddly relieved for you! How awful is this? My God! How do you feel????

Throwaway999 posted 10/22/2020 06:02 AM

mrplspls - I apologize because I have not read all of your posts. I just wanted to make sure that you have found yourself a good IC. You need someone IRL to talk to...to help you process all of your feelings. Even though her affair was many years ago, and I know you want to R....please do not discount your hurt and anger. They are still justified...this is fresh and new for you.

I wanted to R right out of dday...in fact my first posts were in the R forum. But quickly I learned that when everyone here says 2 to 5 years...itís true. R wasnít in the cards for me...thatís okay, I can heal on my own.

Perhaps start to journal for ourselves...make yourself some lists of what you love about your life and wife. And then also lists about the feelings you feel from the hurt and betrayal. Getting it out all of paper truly does help. It will help you see what you need from your wife to move forward with R and not just rugsweep everything.

And also know whether the A happened yesterday or 33 years ago,..itís okay for you to have anger...to feel hurt...to feel heartbroken. It will take time for you to process all of the crazy emotions after a dday. It is a rollercoaster...some days are good and some days are horribly bad.

Your wife should be taking the lead here...R stands for both reconciliation and remorse. Even if it happened many years ago...it still happened and she should be leading your R. Doing everything in her power to respect your feelings and boundaries. She should be reading (not here, keep this for you), googling, watching videos, podcasts...getting her own IC. Actions speak louder than words...

mrplspls posted 11/2/2020 11:08 AM

Progress is being made. It helps that my wife has been very supportive, very loving, very patient, very willing to talk and share and reveal her struggles throughout her life and throughout our marriage.
She said the other night that it has been an opportunity for both of us to heal. She feels terrible that my pain and suffering are connected back to her actions, her choices, her sexual activity and her willingness to be with another.
She talked about personal things surrounding her teenaged pill overdose, not as an excuse for her infidelity, but as a step towards understanding herself better. She is not looking for my sympathy or empathy, but trying to put herself fully on the path of honesty with me. Yes, she kept her sexual activities secret for 33 years, but I believe her to be a person who values honesty despite that fact.

iamanidiot posted 11/9/2020 06:36 AM

mrplspls

Yes, she kept her sexual activities secret for 33 years, but I believe her to be a person who values honesty despite that fact.
Yip Ditto, the same here.

I often wonder if (the guilt of) going off the rails those years is what has made my spouse become so honest. Everything BY THE BOOK. She can actually be a real pain-in-the-butt. Considering she also does my bookkeeping and doesn't let me get away with anything!!
Despite the things that happened those years, so very long ago, she is the best person I know. I am glad we are still together, that we have made it this far & I cannot fault her since those days.

mrplspls posted 11/12/2020 08:37 AM

I am wondering about the strategy of the psychologist we are seeing via video due to covid restrictions.
In our recent session, she wanted to go over the context of the affair. My wife talked about turmoil and unresolved issues in her teenage years, connected to her feelings for her parents and the impact of their divorce upon her at age 15.
I tried to summon up character flaws that I might or might not have displayed in the first year and a half of our marriage.

It seems to me that the strategy is a conventional one. Have both people feel that they are contributing to a rebuilt relationship.
Yet the relationship was rebuilt over the decades, with the imbalance that my wife had put her affair behind her and I had almost no idea that she had been sexual with another man.
So I find that delving into the context of the affair is unproductive for me. I was blind and I was fooled. There are some aspects of my wife's choices and behaviour that are so slight and so preventable that it tortures me to think that a phone call or a conversation or something could have brought an end to it.
Then on the other hand there are aspects that were such a direct attack on me, my manhood, my ego, our marriage that it is hard to believe that we survived it.
Is context the important aspect or should we be putting it all behind us and working with present day?

Oldwounds posted 11/16/2020 11:50 AM

Is context the important aspect or should we be putting it all behind us and working with present day?

Based on the MC I had and reading stories here for nearly five years, if you bury it without processing it -- this will come back to haunt you.

It will.

Your want to focus on the now is a good thing. Seeing the good in your wife is a good thing.

Trying to accept what you don't understand takes more than a moment of reflection and then moving off.

It's just as important that your wife understands the damage caused, otherwise, in those moments where you need help processing some of this pain, she will not 'get it.' This doesn't mean punishment or retribution, but context is key to learning how to be better, safer partners.

iamanidiot posted 11/17/2020 02:48 AM

I can only echo what Oldwounds says - I feel he is spot on (again )
Sometimes we need to go back, to sort out possible issues - some why's.
Not everything, not always the ugly bits.

For instance:
We have not had any IC/MC etc.
But I have done a lot of reading on SI, and that has helped me. A lot.
My spouse turned over a new leaf 34 years ago. She accepted her lot on got on with it, vowing to herself to never 'slip' again.
The only problem I have is that the 'slip' in the logic/thought process/desire that allowed her (those days)to have an A, in my opinion, still has not been sorted out.
I call it her 'selfish mode'.
For some reason I may be a bit 'down' (work issues, state of the economy, meteorite headed our way - issues totally unrelated to US).
She will immediatly feel that it is because of HER PAST that I am being a bit off/quiet.
She will go into shutdown mode between us.
Her thought process will be along the line of 'he is thinking about my past again, he is going there and digging up all those ugly memories, again'.
Although she feels bad for her A related actions, she will allow herself to have a huffy.
To me this is her 'selfish' mode.

So, there are still issues between us that we need to sort out.

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