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Paperclip ( member #27192) posted at 7:43 PM on Tuesday, April 13th, 2010
Bobbie, your story is so like mine! You've put so many of my feelings into words it's almost scary! I also got years and years of denial from WH...I thought I was crazy. Every couple years something would trigger me...I'd ask him yet again and more lies.
There were so many huge red flags flying...I found letters from other women, I saw him with other women...he always had an excuse. I beat myself up all the time for not figuring it out back then. IC & SI is really helping me forgive myself for this.
HowcanIgoon- How awful for you! You're living one of my big fears - I'm terrified of discovering an OC, especially now that we're coming up on 21+ years out of the last A. (and others in WH's family have had a surprise OC pop up years later)
Like Bobbie said, this has changed me profoundly also, in ways I'm just starting to find out about. Years of trickle truth can really do a number on a person - I wonder how much my anxiety & depression issues have been caused by it.
Rollercoaster, I wonder the same thing myself. I doubt I'd have finished college if I'd have found out back then. The only thing I know for sure is that knowing the truth has been a huge relief for me. I can't describe it - all those things I saw suddenly make sense.
[This message edited by Paperclip at 1:46 PM, April 13th (Tuesday)]
watchingU ( member #22144) posted at 11:02 PM on Tuesday, April 13th, 2010
Wow, Bobbie, I'm right there with you. I found out "for sure' after 38 years. First red flag was when he was in armed forces, in 1972. A soldier told me that WH 'dated' around on base. WH said 'soldiers make up crap like that in order to start problems and get a girl to go out with them'. He denied he ever cheated on me. 1974, back home, a lot of red flags about his SIL. Neighbors told me she showed up at home when I was gone, he 'disappeared with her for hours at a time', told me he took her to run errands because his brother was working late and she needed a ride. Said I was pathetic and jealous to accuse HIM of doing anything with his brothers wife. What kind of person did I think he was. yada yada.
1975 WH had part time job after school, got off at 11pm. Occasionally got home at 3 am 5 am 8am. Said his car broke down, or he helped a friend and time got away from him. WOuld end up yelling me down and said he was telling me the truth and that was all he was going to talk about it, then the silent treatment, til I dropped the subject.
1979 new SIL accused him of asking her out. He said she was a lying slut and we 'had to stay away from her from now on'. So we isolated ourselves from his family. Or at least he isolated me from them. From then on they all hated ME.
Over the next 20 years, there were a few red flags, female coworkers calling him at home, I never knew why. Seeing him scanning other women, finding a few odd phone numbers written down. He always said I waS paranoid, jealous. His favorite line was "If you're going to accuse me of these things, I may as well do them, because you will accuse me regardless'. It was like a threat to me and I must say it kept me in line and not accusing him of my suspicions.
So in 2007, I finally caught him on the phone with another woman. After an hour of yelling, and me calling him a liar over and over and not backing down, he started admitting he had cheated on me thru out our marriage with numerous other women. Then he would clam up for weeks or months, and then more TT would come out.
This whole ordeal has just about cost me my sanity and sometimes my life (suicidal). I literally HATE my H. THere will NEVER be feelings of love again. NEVER. I am living with him now due to finances, that's the ONLY reason. I'm almost 60 and don't have a job or extended family. I am basically all alone except for him.
SOmedays it gets me down, but I just pray my way through it. I have to believe my life won't be this lonely and depressed for the remainder of it. I'm trying to do things to make me happy. As long as WH is not around, I'm pretty content, but it is very hard when he is around and all I can think about is 40 years of lies. I want to just claw his eyes out sometimes. Counseling told me has sociopath traits and won't change.
I wish I had listened to my gut all those years ago. In hindsight, it was right all along.
BW me 60 now 68(naive until 3/30/07 Dday)
WH 60 now 68(PA w/SIL PA with neighbor, 100's of EAs,chat rooms, M 1969
Multiple Ddays over the past 4 yrs (about prior infidelities, not new ones) My Gut says WH Has cheated thruout M
Bobbie ( member #15351) posted at 2:20 PM on Wednesday, April 14th, 2010
I was beginning to think that I was the only one out here that could possibly have lived with this kind of 'crap' inside me for so many years.... Yelp, I was dumb, naive, head buried in the sand... oh, how I beat up on myself all the time for not seeing what was right in front of me all along, especailly when everybody else could see it...
Paperclip... The only thing I know for sure is that knowing the truth has been a huge relief for me. That is the most IMPORTANT truth of all... finding out my whole married life was a lie, I craved 'truth'... I was obsessed with 'truth'... The truth set me free from thinking I was crazy for all these years.
I, also, beat myself up all the time for not figuring it out back then... for not standing up for myself.... for letting myself be a doormat... for just being stupid ME. For me, that has been the hardest part of all... forgiving myself.
Watchingu.... My H used the very same words on me... it must be an unspoken 'cheater's code'... saying whatever it takes to make your wife think she's crazy. My H always yelled at me every time I would dare to question him. He always made ME feel the guilty one. He used all the words... told me I was jealous, paranoid, told me all kinds of stories why he was out till 3 in the morning. When this woman finally told me about OW, he told me that she was lying because she was going thru a divorce herself and unhappy and wanted everybody to be unhappy too... He even told me "If you're going to accuse me of being with another woman, I may as well do it'. It worked every time because I would feel so guilty for accusing him that I would think OMG, he really will cheat on me if I keep accusing him. Oh, the stories, the lies he told me and I (the stupid one) bought them all. I would always back down and shut up, and then he would storm out the door and I would get the silent treatments, sometimes for weeks at a time and I would always be the first to break the ice. I see it now for what it was... his way of controlling me... whatever it took... and it worked for years.
I would be rich if I had a dollar for every time I wished I had listened to my gut all those years ago... I don't look at him in the same way I did thru the years. I see him for 'real' today.... I do love him, but I think it's mostly because of so many years together... And, I could see a change in him thru the years... it will never be as it was in the beginning... just too many years of 'bad' history.
[This message edited by Bobbie at 3:52 PM, April 14th (Wednesday)]
Waited 30 years to deal with the pain!
Broken <3ed ( new member #28263) posted at 5:39 PM on Thursday, April 15th, 2010
ICR to this. I'm new to this situation, as my D-day was just last week. Turns out his infidelities were online, and from all I can find were about a year and a half ago.
It just makes me wonder though- if I could go all this time without knowing- what else could be going on? :(
Illinoisgirl ( member #25686) posted at 12:56 PM on Sunday, April 18th, 2010
I didn't realize this forum was here. I found out in Sept 09 that WH had a 6 mo A in 2007. I'm doing alright now (after 6 mo) but I was completely devastated when I found out.
I save my calendars. I write things about the kids and our lives, so they are kind of a keepsake. After I found out about the OW, I went back and looked over the calendar for that year. What was going on in our lives while he was seeing her? Were there any clues that I missed?
One thing that really bugged me was that we celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary in Las Vegas during the time he was seeing her. Was he thinking about her while we were celebrating 10 years together? Did he see her right before or after? It made me crazy.
I feel like he lied to me every day...from the first time he was with her, until the day I found out. Lies of omission. Every day was a lie. Plus, like Broken3ed said, what else has he lied about??
I guess the only hint of a silver lining that I can find is that he ended it a long time ago. I can't imagine what other SI'ers are going through whose spouses are still actively seeing the other person. Heartbreaking.
Married 12 years, together 18
WH - Recovering alcoholic
Me - Recovering wife
3 great kids - 12, 10 & 8
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Eleanor Roosevelt
sadyettrying ( member #28008) posted at 12:36 AM on Monday, April 19th, 2010
Wow, I belong here too and share so much with what others have said. My H's affair was in 1996 and lasted for 7-8 months. I remember being a little cautious about the OW, but I had young kids, was working, etc., etc., and did not really pick up on anything. In 2004 I found email correspondence between then that clearly indicated an previously intimate connection. Unfortunately, when I found the email I confronted H over the phone, which gave him time to come up with a plausible explanation before he had to face me. I now understand this to be trickle truth because he admitted to enough to make the emails make sense, but not the whole truth. I guess I just didn't want to believe it could happen to me.
On March 5 I went and found the email (I had kept a copy) and reading it on that day was like getting smacked in the face - how could I have let him tell him it had been anything but an affair - it was all so clear. I confronted again and this time he confessed.
It has been what you all know all too well. H is remorseful and doing everything he can/should be doing, but whether it happened weeks ago or 14 years ago, the shock, pain, and hurt are as intense.
I am a need all the details kind of person, and of course, it is hard for H to remember as much as I would like. My big thing right now is trying to get at whether or not there ever a time he felt guilty? Thought of me? Those thoughts are hard for him to recall.
I too keep journals of my days - kids appointments, etc. and have gone over and over my 1996 journal trying to piece together what I was doing while they were doing what they were doing.
I have also gone back and forth on whether or not I would have wanted to know either in 1996 or 2004. Most of the time I wish I had known - at least in 2004 when he lied to my face about it. But then when I think of how much pain I am in now, I am kind of glad that I had those pain free years.
H says that those years we had together were real, that he loved me and when he was with me he was with me and when the A was over it was over (except, of course that he seemed to be heading down the slippery slope again in 2004 by what I saw in the emails). MC also says those years were real and not to lose sight of that. But as you all know, it doesn't feel that way.
I'm so grateful for this site, and now, for this thread.
brokenheart59 ( member #28304) posted at 3:14 PM on Tuesday, April 20th, 2010
Just found out about wifes affair with 2 men she worked with 15 yrs ago. I suspected something was wrong back then but let it go when she denied. What she did was disgusting. Since that time she has had at least 2 online plus phone sex with a man. How do you deal with this crap.
[This message edited by brokenheart59 at 9:16 AM, April 20th (Tuesday)]
WW-Her, 3-5 years 2 different men
true feelings for 1
SpeakingWaters ( new member #23532) posted at 10:59 PM on Tuesday, April 20th, 2010
I can relate. My husband came forward with his infidelity four years after the fact. Don't know if it made it easier or harder to deal with. part of me feels like I wasted those years, part of me feels like it's put a bit of distance between us and the issue.. don't know.
midori-alice ( new member #28383) posted at 6:54 PM on Friday, April 30th, 2010
i know this is where i belong...too much, too overwhelming...maybe next time...
[This message edited by midori-alice at 1:28 PM, April 30th (Friday)]
how can I go on ( new member #27432) posted at 10:05 AM on Saturday, May 1st, 2010
I feel like my life has been stolen. All those years of struggling in businesses I hated while my husband had another family which I unknowingly helped support their lavish lifestyle while we my children and I went without life’s luxuries.
Now we have everything I am supposed to not ask anymore about the other life my husband had because we are old and don’t have a lot of time left so we should enjoy ourselves now.
On D Day I could not digest or process all the information. My husband could not have done this to me and our children not him, we had been through so much together how could I not have known? The man I married was a good man, honest and trustworthy, or so I thought.
Married 35 years
Me BS 59
2 children boy 30 girl 33
D Day 28 July 2008
itspjw ( member #21268) posted at 9:24 PM on Saturday, May 1st, 2010
Another ICR forum for me! yay!
I found out almost a decade later. During that time his guilt turned him into a different man...not a very nice one.
I may have my old husband back, but I will never have my old marriage back.
no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...
there's just too much that time cannot erase
And the more I know, the less I understand
Because of you...I am afraid...
GreenEyes885 ( member #25267) posted at 9:52 PM on Saturday, May 1st, 2010
I found out 2 years after the A. The OW was still in the picture before D day - because she was regarded as family. She would attend every family outing and always work her way close to my WH.
After the discovery - she basically ran away from it all and said not a single word to any of the family. She did however go on to become another OW who caused them to divorce.
Me - I'm undecided. I need to work thru this at my own pace. I've decided to focus on me, take care of me first. I can't make him talk about it if he doesn't want to... but I also don't need to worry about what he will and wont do. I figure either way he shows his true colors - and THAT's what I need to see.
Even when we find out years later its not an easy process - for us the injury is fresh, raw and wide open.
Work on healing yourself first. No matter how to try to make sense of it... somethings just won't ever make sense.
Married 9+, LTA-2-3 yrs
One Day At A Time....
SecondLook ( new member #28347) posted at 10:32 PM on Saturday, May 1st, 2010
I found out in Nov '09 about my WH's A from the summer of 2005. He decided to contact his ex-girlfriend. There were cell phone calls to his phone and a private email account that they shared and I never knew about. It lasted for three months.
I was contacted by her H through a FB inbox message. I was shocked because I thought he couldn't be talking about my H. But he was. I asked him point blank if he slept with her because if he did, I swore I'd...I didn't finish that statement so he got scared and told me no...they were only kisses.
I kept in contact with her H to see if I could get him to admit anything to me...more info that he sounded like he knew about. In Dec'09, 3 wks later, I sent him an email telling him that I thought we should sever all ties because otherwise, she would still contact him (she had contacted him twice by phone and sent him an anonymous birthday card)The next day, I received an email telling me that they HAD slept together! Twice according to him (it was actually 3 times).
I was in utter shock. I was numb...I asked and received all the details that my H could remember. He tried to forget as much as he could over time..but through my asking questions...I got the gist of the affair. We figured out more later when I found and looked at cell phone bills from back then. We were able to piece together the approx. timeline for the second and third meeting. Also, the fact that he did call her when we went on a mini-honeymoon...that devastated both of us.
I went through anxiety, panic attacks and a lot of triggering and obsessing too but we are now in individual counseling and things seem to be improving. I still have a little ways to go before I can close this chapter but I did get the H I always wanted in all of this. I finally realized that I DO love my husband and he now cherishes me and makes me feel loved. Things are new again for us.
We will be celebrating our 25th anniversary in Nov this year. Priorities and things have changed dramatically for us now...the pain still comes and goes but mostly if I open the box and look inside. If I look directly at it...it's excruciating but if I keep the box closed, I can function quite well. He knows and feels my pain and completely regrets ever doing this. I'm relieved that he's in counseling to figure out why he would even cross that line...he's discovered a lot of things, to my relief!
I always felt badly when I heard about affairs before...and I was naive enough to think that I was safe because I had God in my life...I was dead wrong. No one is safe! And I also found out that both my H and I were praying for things to change between us...little did I know that you have to be very specific when praying. Things did need to change between us...we were basically two strangers sharing a house...we lived separate lives...I kept very busy to avoid him. I see all that now. I see a lot of things now. We are also learning a lot from one another through this...the lines of communication have been opened for us!
I apologize if this is lengthy...I've just been trying to figure out where I fit in on here. I knew I belonged but because it had been a while since I found out...I wasn't sure where to post. Thanks for listening!
BS - 43
WH - 43
Married - 25 yrs in Nov/10
Children - 2 (24 and 19)
R - Getting stronger every day!
D-Day #1 - Nov 28/09
D-Day #2 - Dec 19/09
Didn't see this one coming...should have ducked when the brick hit me in the head!
2oldforthis ( member #19825) posted at 3:22 AM on Thursday, May 6th, 2010
I am right up there with Bobbie and Paperclip. I found out 23 yrs. later.
At the time we had been married 32 yrs.
When I found out I also was told he had a DD with her. She was blackmailing him for money.
I demanded DNA, found out the DD was not his.
Talk about shock!
I think the length of the marriage and the length of when you found out makes it really hard. How could someone keep such secrets for so long and how could that someone lay next to you in bed every night and not feel some guilt.
I am still pretty devasted and this month it will be 3 yrs.
d-day at the end of May.
He did not see what he had in me, what I saw in him I did not have!
Love kills slowly.
nolongercryn ( member #11494) posted at 4:27 AM on Thursday, May 6th, 2010
FWH's first affair surfaced 15 years after it happened.
It's very hard for me to think back to that time and face the realization of how naive I was--I never had a clue. I was pre-occupied with being very pregnant and happy....evidently I was very blind as well.
"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."
neverendinghurt ( member #15859) posted at 4:51 AM on Thursday, May 6th, 2010
it was only 18 months after it ended for me so not sure if I belong here, however, I agree it is harder to find facts when it is after the event. There are no text messages, no emails.
If I can be of any help to anyone here, pm me anytime.
The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another; and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume as it is with what he vowed to make it.
James M. Barrie
AREYOUKIDDINGME? ( member #27864) posted at 4:59 AM on Thursday, May 6th, 2010
Oh hell...My whole F-ing marriage was a sham. I had gut feelings over the years and totally dismissed them. He had me convinced I was the real princess. What a freaking joke. I totally trusted him. After discovering a current affair with someone I thought was my friend. He TT a month later 8 other women. I think at this point we are up to ten. Co-workers and a few that I truly believed were my friends. One dating back to the beginning only he can't remember if the incident happened while dating or first married. She came to my sons wedding in August 2009. I had no idea, our kids have been bff since they were 2 years old. I want to puke now, just thinking about how I hugged her and congratulated us for having great kids. My whole life makes me want to It was a fucking joke from day one.
D-Day #1 02/09/09 D-Day#2,#3 03/28/09, 03/29/09....Trickled for months. 10 OW
Updated 6/11. Now Married 18 years, 4 boys, 2 daughter-in-laws, 2 princess's born, and 1 cowboy on the way. And the new dog that saved my life many times tha
whatliesahead ( member #27596) posted at 6:38 PM on Thursday, May 6th, 2010
I found out this year of wife's affair of 25 years ago. As I have told her, it makes me believe the 25 years since have all been lies.
Unsure yet what I am going to do. I know that I can live without her, but yet still do love her. Just cannot seem to get over the anger.
25 years of lies, deceit, etc. are extremely difficult to overcome.
Me BS 57
DDay January 2010
WheredoIgonow ( member #27130) posted at 8:23 PM on Friday, May 7th, 2010
I don't know if I totally fit in here - but I feel like I had a taste of both scenarios - but not decades like some of you. Or maybe I just don't know all of the Truth yet.
I'm sorry for all of you who found out decades later. I really am. I get the part that it makes it seems like a sham - but like one of you said.... not knowing the truth did allow you "at the time" to enjoy parenthood and motherhood with the innocence of believing you were special and the "only one".
I only found out 6 months ago as my WH was in the thick of a new EA/PA (5 months together) and then found out that he had a PA before that from 2/07 until the new OW. The OW#1 had a baby in between and her second marriage. I started worrying about OC but he reminded me that he got fixed after our 4th child - so he was probably safe.
But I also found out that he had kissed a co-worker over 20 years ago.... he made sexually advances to two of our friends over the last 15 years - so it feels like he was always on the prowl.
And last year when we were celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary on our second honeymoon - the soon to be OW#2 was texting him (and she had kissed him right before our trip).
He then tells me that he probably would have strayed before - but he was afraid of my father. My father battled cancer for 6 years and died in 2008. So, he began (supposedly) his first A while my father was dying and then went all out in 2009 for OW#2 - and my father had been dead for over a year.
I'm so afraid that more will come out - but I think all of the biggies have come out.
Plus we're still raising two kids at home (13 and 14) and two are out of college.
I worry about what have we done to them? What kind of example has been set? What are they going to be thinking as they try to sort out "love" "committment" and "marriage".
My WH just tells me today that I'm not here with you because of that piece of paper and that piece of paper (Marriage) doesn't mean anything - and he says he doesn't think it ever did.
What??? After 25 years he's telling me this. I said where was this conversation 25 years ago??? Before we had our 4 children??? Doesn't a committment mean anything to you??? especially during a ceremony before friends, family, and God mean anything to you?
I looked at him and thought - boy this is NOT the man I thought he was???
My prayers are with all of you - and thanks for everyone giving so much of themselves to this site. It really helps.
Me; BS (60)
Him: WS (62)
Married 35 years
DD-32, DS-30, DS-22, DS-20
OW#1 - PA - 2 1/2 years.
OW#2 - EA/PA - 7 months - then he got caught.
survivinglies ( member #19376) posted at 8:38 PM on Friday, May 7th, 2010
Wow! I didn't know this existed! I can relate so much to everyone's stories. Sometimes I feel so alone. I will share my story later, but thank you mods for adding this to ICR!
WS (him)- ONS 1995, 3 month EA 0708
Married: 23, Together: 26, DS & DD
"Onlies" until ONS
95-08 trickle-"we didn't have sex"
D-day #1 (1/23/2008- EA OW#2)
D-day #2 (5/1/2008- ONS OW#1)
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