I only have 4 kids (not 7), we were married 8 years, together 10, before the kids came. He did the Majority of his infidelity before we had kids, so it was not like he was not getting his needs met at home because I was "focused" on the kids, my whole focus in our M was on him, I worked for him, I cleaned for him, I was available for him, cooperative for him, willing to try things for him,etc. So that dynamic does not play into our situation. And once the kids came, my habit of putting him first was so ingrained that it continued.
My H does not even realize all the things he missed out on, his self focus was so strong that he really does not have a clue, all he can see is himself and his life, he has no idea what all I suffered for him, when I tell him things from "our" past, he is totally shocked, has no recollection because he was so checked out, I have no one to witness my pain, no one to validate or authenticate it, I am just sitting on this island full of pain, no room to move all alone.
I blocked the pain for 19 years because I thought that my one and only requirement was being met. All I ever required of my H was that he be faithful. I glossed over all my pain from his mistreatment of me because I told myself that my deepest need was being met, but then I found out that it was not being met, and more so, had NEVER been met, all that pain for NOTHING. It is like wearing braces and head gear for 20 years tolerating the pain, the discomfort, spending the money, loosing time at appointments, not eating favorite foods, etc, only to have them removed and to still have crooked teeth and be embarrased to smile. And now I am to just let it go, let the orthodontist off the hook, let him put new braces on me and believe they will work this time?
No, not in IC or MC cannot afford it, but that is not to say I am not proactive, I read here, I read there, I get books at the library, I talk to people online, I tried to join BAN, have tried theophostic prayer, meditation, etc.
think about what he needs to do to help you heal and then tell him so he knows
How does one know what they need to heal. Sure I know what I need to stay in the M, transparancy, honesty, blah, blah. But what to heal, it is not like I came with a manual, do X, Y and Z and she is "cured", I have never dealt with this before, I have no frame of reference. I have never "healed" from anything, I have just kept on keeping on my whole life. I know things I think I need but my H will not do those things, he says he cannot, they are not "him" and how can I fault that or question it, what if I force him/require him to do those things and they do not work for me, they are not the key to heal me? So then I think I figure out what I need and he is going to be all on board with that after I made him do things that did not work? I think not.
At this time, out of all my reading/communicatng, etc, this quote from "How Can I Forgive You?" is what resonates with me the most:
"Health comes not from exorcising painful events from our minds but from bearing witness to our pain, acknowledging its impact, commiserating with our selves, mourning our losses, and then giving new meaning and creating new connections with people...." Just letting it go will not accomplish this will it???
Thank you for your time and thoughts, it is greatly appreciated, I am sorry I am not "easier" and cannot just have an "ah ha" moment over this, it is a huge sticking point for me.