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I Can Relate :
For Those Who Found Out Years Later

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NOTINKANSAS ( member #31199) posted at 7:57 PM on Tuesday, February 15th, 2011

She fealt that the AP had something over her and that she was continually afraid that somehow I'd find out.

I am dealing with the same thing. My H said that's why he felt he needed to maintain contact with OW long after he ended the A, to make sure she wasn't going to tell me. He said he finally felt so sick about feeling like he had to call her that he decided to confess the A to me.

I'm 33
He's 31
Recovering from SA
4 kids
D-Day 01-06-11 (Husband confessed sex 2x in 2009 with "trashy" girl from the ghetto)
D-Day 2 May 7, 2011 (confessed the rest of the betrayals)

posts: 234   ·   registered: Feb. 15th, 2011
id 5080848

itsjustnotfiar ( member #30537) posted at 10:13 PM on Tuesday, February 15th, 2011

That is good that he told you on your own. I caught them texting. He wanted her back badly and she didn't know how to get out of it. It may sound crazy but I believe her.

I am so sad and depressed but we love each other and are doing the right things I think. MC, IC, full access to all her accounts. But I still worry.

The asshole keeps trying to contact her. She just deletes his emails or hangs up.

I read a post from you today. You are new. It is not too early to R.

BS (me)- 44
WW - 42
PA - 10/2004 - 11/2004
EA - 10/2004 - 11/2010 (6 yrs)
DD - 11/25/2010. Nice Thankgiving present.
Together 22 years, married 15 years
2 kids - 10, 8


posts: 166   ·   registered: Dec. 28th, 2010   ·   location: from the D
id 5081107

hurtbuthopeful12 ( member #31279) posted at 4:02 PM on Tuesday, February 22nd, 2011

Mine isn't years later really, it ended 7 months ago. I have similar feelings to others, it makes me so angry because I am having difficulty figuring out exactly what happened. Trusting him to tell the truth seems silly at this point, since he didn't confess, I found out based on old phone bills.

M 7 yrs- 2 little kids
He walked out 10/2010
DDAY #1 Phone bill, found OW #2-2 mo EA turned PA after he left.
11/2010- he asks to come back. 12/2010-He moves back in.
TT from 11/10-1/11
DDAY #2- 2/2011 MOW #1- EA- 1 yr

posts: 305   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2011
id 5093023

Dallas2 ( member #28362) posted at 6:57 PM on Wednesday, February 23rd, 2011

I'm one of those who found out several years later. I have read all kinds of books, read posts here, and gone to both IC and MC.

We've been together 24 years and M 20. The last seven have been a living he!!. He blamed my chronic illness, the problems we had with our kids, and then my grandson.

I tried to do everything and just about anything to fix our problems. I'm sure many of you know how I felt when he confessed in MC(I did finally get him to go) that he had had a short sexual fling. I just couldn't believe it. I still have a hard time believing it as it contradicts everything I believed about him. Now I find I am having a hard time believing anything he says. He says he loves me but thats hard to accept. How can you treat someone you love with a total lack of,?? I'm still on the fence as I feel I still don't have the whole truth about it all. I was basically wondering how you stayed, if you stayed? I also wonder what's the best way to go on?


posts: 828   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2010
id 5095607

sadyettrying ( member #28008) posted at 4:42 AM on Friday, February 25th, 2011

I somehow missed the request to post the positives and negatives of finding out years later, but I think it's a good topic so I wanted to respond. Some of these are the same as what was already posted.

Positives: Definitely agree that having been able to raise children in a loving, two-parent home was a positive. Having good experiences over the ensuing years is another positive (though as many of us know, it can be very difficult to believe those moments were real). Having fewer years of living with the pain and hurt? Knowing for sure that it is over (although in my case OP made another play years after the A ended and H was willing to at least exchange some sort of flirty emails with her).

I don't know...I've gone over this in my head, and mostly I come up with far more negatives that positives. Negatives: Being pissed that they got away with it at the time; feeling like an idiot for not having suspected; in my case, feeling like an idiot for letting my spouse get away with lying to my face when I confronted him about those emails and maintaining that lie for SIX MORE YEARS; having a WS who has forgotten or buried many of the details, including what I think are really important things; not getting to really confront the OP or as noted, have any idea what she looks like; living with the question of what the years since have been, what is real; the absolute horror and amazement that you spouse could have lived with that for so long, and told so many lies - big and little - over the years; wondering how, when your spouse was so successful at keeping something like that from you for so long, you can ever trust again; having the chance to out the OP to his/her spouse be harder given the number of years that have passed.

I could go on, but I try to remember that the fact that my kids did not have to deal with what would likely have been the consequences had I found out at the time is worth a lot.

posts: 71   ·   registered: Mar. 22nd, 2010
id 5098518

Paperclip ( member #27192) posted at 10:05 PM on Thursday, March 3rd, 2011

I somehow missed the request to post the positives and negatives of finding out years later

This is a good question! I surprised myself by coming up with some positives, but I think the negatives still outweigh.

Positive: Had I found out at the time, I'd probably had a nervous breakdown, and not been able to finish college.

Positive: SI was still years away, and I was so young. I would have blamed myself unceasingly for his affairs. I would have figured that I must have been defective somehow. Maybe I would have bashed his car up (or him) and gone to jail. I would have probably at that point giving up dating, like one of my friends who was cheated on in college. He never dated again, he was so broken hearted.

Negatives: Never got to make an informed choice about the man I married. Put up with alot of crap I wouldn't/shouldn't have tolerated due to gaslighting. Should have spent more time working on a career or going back to school to be able to support myself. Tolerated way too many years of my ILS bad treatment and thought it was my fault. Having to think about 20+ years and wonder what was real or not.

So much to wonder about...!!!

[This message edited by Paperclip at 4:07 PM, March 3rd (Thursday)]

posts: 862   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2010
id 5111820

Flowing Tears ( new member #24811) posted at 6:52 PM on Saturday, March 5th, 2011

Thanks to those who have replied regarding postives and negatives.

I know how difficult it is to reflect on the years you have spent with your spouse and to wonder if what they did and how they responded to you at certain phases was perhaps directly or indirectly involved with their past behaviour. I have come to the point in this journey where I just need to be concentrating on each new day and not dwelling on those past years! It is what it is and we can't go back and undo any of it.

In my case...the past 33 years have been for the most part very good ones and we are closer now as a couple than we have ever been. He learned very quickly that the grass is never greener on the other side of the fence and that what he had with me and our children was worthy of keeping. I have not had a reason to think that he cheated with anyone else since that initial infidelity.

I hope that more of you will be able to respond. And for those of you who are still struggling with all of this...I pray that you will soon find peaceful resolution and enjoy each new day.

posts: 9   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2009   ·   location: Ohio
id 5115362

Tryingtoheal61 ( member #29633) posted at 7:45 PM on Tuesday, March 8th, 2011

Thanks to those who have replied regarding postives and negatives.

I think about this often. We had been in counseling due to what he refers to as "communication" issues. They turned out to be his lack of empathy.

Anyway, if I had known then the door would have hit his ass so fast he wouldn't have known what hit him.

He said he knew if he went back to OW/XW that he more than likely would have been knocking on my door within a few months. I wouldn't have answered.

But, I wonder if some higher power was preparing us for today. Maybe we had to get here so that my WH would actually look within himself and that he would have a reason to do so, for us/our marriage.

Negative was that he took my choice away. Positive is that I can make my own choice at anytime.


posts: 828   ·   registered: Sep. 17th, 2010
id 5120527

nova18 ( member #23177) posted at 3:44 AM on Monday, March 14th, 2011

Update to my last post

I discovered that not only is my H a good liar, he is also one of the most careless and stupidest of cheaters. I have a lot of time on ym hamd when he is at work, sand against mt better judgement, started snooping through his floppy discs again.

What I found out was the first??A that he said was not a PA actually was. There was the draft of the letter he wrote"..recall when we first made love..."

Needless to say, I went through the anguish as if it had just happened last week instead of 13 years ago.

He couldn't do anything but tell the truth when I confronted him, and now I just keep asking myself why am I still putting up with a sorry excuse of a man who cheated on me during our 28th year of marriage, and sevenyears later during our 35th year. Am I crazy or what

Me: BS
Him:Sociopath/narcissist who specialized in going after divorcees willing to sleep with a married man

posts: 171   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2009
id 5130017

nova18 ( member #23177) posted at 3:47 AM on Monday, March 14th, 2011

Excuse the typos! My mind races faster than my fingers when I am agitated.

Me: BS
Him:Sociopath/narcissist who specialized in going after divorcees willing to sleep with a married man

posts: 171   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2009
id 5130023

ohgoodgrief ( member #30538) posted at 12:41 PM on Monday, March 14th, 2011

Nova, I understand your dilemma. I have suspected on and off for years but let it go. This time I am going to be like the dog with the proverbial bone. Tho he denies EVER cheating, i know he is lying...i have a lot to go on, just not quite enough. We have been married over 30 yrs also, some happy, most (for me), not as I never felt i was important/loved/ SEEN in the relationship. Just there to meet his needs and take care of sh*t. Now he is trying to make up for all those years, but I am now pretty much immune. Just trying to decide how I want to live the rest of my life. Not where I envisioned myself to be at this point in my life. However, his most recent (denied) indiscretion has made me wake up to the joke that has been our marriage.

posts: 311   ·   registered: Dec. 28th, 2010
id 5130276

bethoughtful ( new member #31678) posted at 4:24 AM on Friday, April 1st, 2011

My husband had a ONS 9 yrs ago & I just found out this week! He is a recovering alcoholic, I know he is no longer that person, but I am reeling. I never suspected at the time, but have suspected the last few years, his drinking had progressed and he was pulling away from the family as a whole, nor just me. I feel stupid that for years I never even suspected! I am pissed that even in his sober state (2 1/2 years now) he never confessed to me. I was diagnosed with HPV and told him it had to come from him, he still tried to deny it @ first. At this point I think I'm madder that he denied it now,being a sober & supposedly honest person, than that it happened in the first place 9 yrs ago, when I know he was not being anything near his best self!

Married:28yrs Together:30
Dday:March 26, 2011
His ONS:12-02
Kids:D-27, S-25, D-23, D16

posts: 13   ·   registered: Mar. 29th, 2011   ·   location: long island, NY
id 5160797

Tryingtoheal61 ( member #29633) posted at 9:00 PM on Friday, April 1st, 2011


I'm so sorry you are reeling from this pain. Although it was 9 years ago for your WH, it was just a few days ago for you.

The part that stinks about not knowing is because it's been so long for them, they either truly don't remember incidences relating to the A or they choose not to and many times you can't go back and research because the cell phone has changed or the computer is outdated, etc.

I hope your WH has been remorseful and that he is helping you heal from the pain he has brought you.


posts: 828   ·   registered: Sep. 17th, 2010
id 5162178

bethoughtful ( new member #31678) posted at 4:00 PM on Saturday, April 2nd, 2011


Thank you for your kind words. I am trying to act thoughtfully, not impulsively, & heal myself, & then we will see if we can heal the marriage.

Married:28yrs Together:30
Dday:March 26, 2011
His ONS:12-02
Kids:D-27, S-25, D-23, D16

posts: 13   ·   registered: Mar. 29th, 2011   ·   location: long island, NY
id 5163469

vickie1957 ( member #31075) posted at 9:03 PM on Sunday, April 3rd, 2011

add me to this unfortunate club!

I found out about 3 years after the fact and only when I discovered him trolling on hookup sites like adultfriendfinder and getiton.To be honest - I was discusted at what he wrote other women.

From there I was able to find a private email site that he used and emails dating back to 2009- but when I confronted him he told me willingly about his ONS - said he had met a "few" women but only slept with one "once" and he felt so guilty he never did it again.

My initial reaction (other than anger and shock) was to blurt out if he at least had the decency to get tested to make sure he wasn't carrying anything and if he had any remorse for the health implications he opened up for both him and me- gave it to him both barrels.

He was speachless (my husband is NEVER speachless).

I asked him for the truth and told him I suspected for a long time ( I had even asked him back then- probably when this all happened- chalk another one up to "gut instinct")At the time he was angry and turned it around and accused me (I was working 2 jobs at the time 6am-3p and then 4pm- 11 or 12 midnite 5 times a week- that plus "female" health issues - last thing I wanted was sex)

Let me back up a month before Dday-We had been haveing problems for a few years- I had health issues (eventually had to have a hysterectomy) and even after that he hadn't touched me for months until I confronted him and called him out on his porn surfing-after that he was VERY attentive (you know what I mean ).

We had been intimate more in that month than the last 4yrs combined. AND THEN I found him trolling - so you can imagine how shocked I was after I thought we were patching things things up and finally dealing with our communication issues.

When he came clean on the ONS- i was upset but it was in the past and I was willing to forgive- there had been extenuating circumstances on both sides of the fence. But I am having troubles getting past the recent emails he sent -it wasn't like he wasn't getting satisfied at home- he even confirmed that. He didn't have any reasonable explanation and still doesn't- he appears truly remorseful and I think he was actually relieved everything is finally out in the open. He has done everything right since I found out- but there are still those nagging images of him with OW and the fact I am still not 100% convinced he has told me the WHOLE truth.

One of the emails from '09 was him to OW he had met for coffee -he was thanking her for being so understanding and that he had thought aLOT about what they discussed and he would not contact her again and was going to try and work on our marriage. From the jist of things I gather she was only looking for a good time- no emotional attachment as she had been hurt recently and all she wanted was to find someone to service her "needs" without strings- I guess she was a social worker and realized my H was having difficulty with the situation and set him back on track. AT least until last summer when he was surfing again.

here we go again

posts: 118   ·   registered: Feb. 2nd, 2011   ·   location: bc canada
id 5165411

Dallas2 ( member #28362) posted at 7:57 PM on Wednesday, April 20th, 2011

I am also one of the lucky ones. I found out years later. I read books, look at posts and anything I can think of that might help. I want to stay M, basically he is a good man. I just can't get past the feeling that I don't have the whole truth yet. This is tearing me apart and is affecting my health. I'm not really sure if finding out later has anything positive about it all. I think it's all negative. He cheated, he lied, he treated me like shit,he distanced himself from me my health was to blame for he this, he was angry, and he was so miserable. Maybe the positive thing is I don't have to assure others of his honor, he doesn't have any.


posts: 828   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2010
id 5197595

sadyettrying ( member #28008) posted at 4:20 AM on Thursday, April 21st, 2011

Sorry you have to join us here Dallas, but know that we all understand.

I agree that there isn't really anything positive about this situation - sometimes I think we just look for whatever crumbs we can find.

posts: 71   ·   registered: Mar. 22nd, 2010
id 5198655

Paperclip ( member #27192) posted at 6:58 PM on Monday, May 2nd, 2011

I just can't get past the feeling that I don't have the whole truth yet.

Dallas, I struggle with this alot...even to the point of having WH take a polygraph. It helped to a point, but it's so overwhelming realizing your spouse could lie to you for so long and so well!

Has anyone figured out a way to get some peace with this?

posts: 862   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2010
id 5217824

living4tomorrow ( member #32018) posted at 11:11 PM on Monday, May 2nd, 2011

Possibly the most positive aspects of the conversations here is from those whose WS is truly remorseful. There is hope where there is penitence. Positive changes can be made only by those who acknowledge the error of their ways and make every effort to make right what once went wrong.

Where there is no remorse, no empathy, no penitence, no acknowledgement, false rebuilding, no consience, lies and deceit that include a continuous trail of betrayals, there is no hope, IMHO.

My situation falls into the latter category. I married a serial cheater nearly 30 years ago. Sly fox that he is, he convinced me he'd left the old GFs behind to be with me - and only me. I was young and naive then.

There were a steady stream of D-Days, but now that we're on the road to divorce, the true extent of his past betrayals are coming to light, and they ain't pretty.

Fortunately, with the help of many years of IC, I have managed to detach to the point where it doesn't hurt like it did before. Unfortunately, he can still push my "anger button".

When we got married, both of us had a number of opposite sex friends and mutually agreed that as long as these friends were also friends of our marriage, that maintaining them fell within the appropriate boundaries. I abided by that pact, but he never did and still does not. It didn't take me 30 years to discover this, it took me that amount of time to prepare an exit strategy.

Every time I believed we were making progress towards a more honest and open relationship, I would notice changes in his behavior that sent red flags everywhere.

Shortly after we were married, he invoked the edict: "Don't keep tabs on me". Well, that was a sure sign he had something to hide. Turns out, he was married when he was in "family mode" and single when he was living that "other life.

When he came home smelling of cheap perfume and some other woman's muff, he denied it and told me I was nuts.

When I found stray condoms in his travel cases, he accused me of planting them.

When he went behind my back to get Cialis and Levitra a few years ago, he said it was "for us".

It wasn't that I was unaware of his betrayals, it was that I needed time to prepare for my departure from this miserable situation.

The newest revelations came when I began to trace back his time away from the family when he was "suddenly single", to put the chronology of his deceitful behavior. That was when I saw that my marriage has been based on lie after lie and there is no hope of reconciliation, even though he pretended to.

Our whole life is a sham based on a series of lies. He's older now and slowing down a bit and only wants to talk about how he wants to spend our "golden years" together.

It may be unnecessarily cruel, but I simply told him that if he couldn't give me the best of himelf when it mattered, that I wasn't going to give him the best of mine for the rest of his, and that I would not be his nurse in his old age. I believe the best is yet to come, and he perpetually wallows in his "glory days", and satisfies himself with fantasies about wooing young girls and frequenting strip clubs. The man is hopeless and will lie 'til he dies.

My major regret is setting a bad example for our children (who are now adults) when it mattered, because I don't want any of them to find themselves in this position -ever! And if they do, to get out sooner rather than later. They agree with me that it is never too late. That's the reason I stayed in the marriage. They are not following in his amoral footsteps, they are assessing their own circumstances based on the values I instilled in them. They are good, honest, wise people who respect and admire me and forgive me. We agree that it is never too late to change for the better. I am proud of them and have no regrets about staying in the marriage during those difficult years.

Finding out many years after the deed(s) have been done, is its own dilemma. I started putting two and to together, and just added those betrayals to the list of things I already knew, because I had made a decision to act (finally) to preserve whatever time I had left to live a life of happiness rather than stay in a miserable, unsatisfactory marriage. I suspect I still have some surprises ahead of me, but the forewarning I had helped me become forearmed.

Every situation is as unique as is the course of action each BS decides to make.

My heart goes out to all who experience the pain of discovering the person we devoted our lives to isn't the person we thought he/she was. Love hurts, sometimes. Rebuilding works, sometimes, but it all boils down do the simply fact that you can't fix somebody else, you can only fix yourself.

Me: BS (Older than many here);
Him: WS (Peter Pan; Serial Cheater; Sociopath);
Offspring: Grown, but not gone;
30 years married - nurturer, but not a martyr;
Planning for: My next 30 years!

posts: 57   ·   registered: Apr. 29th, 2011
id 5218341

so-crushed ( member #29137) posted at 6:04 PM on Monday, June 6th, 2011

Please.. your thoughts re: contacting OWH ... the EA/PA supposedly ended 10 yrs ago?

And if I do, how do you break this news to someone?

Me - BS, 50's
Him - WH, 50's
Married 20+ years

D-Day #2 3/7/17
D-Day, 5/29/10 -found out about 2 PA's:
(1st A - EA/PA, 1998-2003(??) and 2nd A - PA, 2003-2004(??) )

posts: 204   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2010
id 5272989
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