Newest Member: Qashess

I Can Relate :
For Those Who Found Out Years Later

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shiloe ( member #1224) posted at 3:07 PM on Wednesday, January 4th, 2012

I just started a thread in the General forum: Need advice . .struggling with decision. I would like to hear from the men on here who found out years later. Do you wish you had never found out? Are you glad you did, even though the hell it has created?

But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 58 Dday 03/2011
Cheater -58 Married 26 yrs
DD - 23 DD -21 DS-19
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA- new MCOW D-2/17

posts: 1729   ·   registered: Mar. 7th, 2003
id 5618048
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Dallas2 ( member #28362) posted at 2:32 AM on Thursday, January 5th, 2012

Why Men? I am a woman but I can tell you I am glad I found out because there was soemthing not quite right, just didn't know what it was.

I hate the hell that was created by the secrets and lies for years. I also hate the hell of trying to deal with the fact that my spouse betrayed me. I really don't think these feelings matter weather you're a man or a woman. I do feel that women are more apt to stay in the M than a BH. JMO.

Me

posts: 828   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2010
id 5619376
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Dallas2 ( member #28362) posted at 2:33 AM on Thursday, January 5th, 2012

Why Men? I am a woman but I can tell you I am glad I found out because there was soemthing not quite right, just didn't know what it was.

I hate the hell that was created by the secrets and lies for years. I also hate the hell of trying to deal with the fact that my spouse betrayed me. I really don't think these feelings matter weather you're a man or a woman. I do feel that women are more apt to stay in the M than a BH. JMO.

Me

posts: 828   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2010
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foundoutlater ( member #32900) posted at 3:13 AM on Thursday, January 5th, 2012

IMHO not knowing does not work well. My FWW had issues that I did not know about. Our M should have been much better and we were not that happy. Our M will be better and I have hope I will be happier once she has her issues worked out. I have been accused as being a bit different (odd to some) and a little girlish in the feelings department though.

Your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.

posts: 1407   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2011
id 5619436
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somanyyears ( member #26970) posted at 3:15 AM on Thursday, January 5th, 2012

..the truth needed telling, even if it was 40 years too late..

..it has changed my entire outlook on my life and hers for that matter..

..this betrayal has truly created a 'HELL on EARTH' for us..

..still hoping for a positive solution to R..

..but we know we are not there yet

smy

[This message edited by somanyyears at 9:16 PM, January 4th (Wednesday)]

trust no other human- love only your pets. Reconciled I think!
Me 74 Her 70 Married 49 yrs. 18 yr LTA with bff/lawyer. Little fucker died at 57.Brain tumor!

posts: 5969   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2009   ·   location: Ontario Canada
id 5619439
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itsjustnotfiar ( member #30537) posted at 3:35 AM on Friday, January 6th, 2012

I'm a guy who found out six years after the fact. I only wish I found out sooner. "I wanted to protect my family." Bs.

A healthy marriage cannot endure an affair IMO.

BS (me)- 44
WW - 42
PA - 10/2004 - 11/2004
EA - 10/2004 - 11/2010 (6 yrs)
DD - 11/25/2010. Nice Thankgiving present.
Together 22 years, married 15 years
2 kids - 10, 8

FB=A

posts: 166   ·   registered: Dec. 28th, 2010   ·   location: from the D
id 5621714
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GoodFaith ( member #28249) posted at 8:35 PM on Friday, January 6th, 2012

I found out 20 years too late.

I found out 15 years too late.

I found out 10 years too late.

I found out.... you know.

In another forum someone recently posted the question:

"Would you take the red pill or the blue pill?"

If you remember The Matrix: the red pill wakes you up to reality and the blue pill puts you back in the Matrix /dream.

I'd choose the red pill again!

ItsJustNotFair - I got that BS from my BS too - "I was protecting my family"

BH (me) 56
WexW 49
3 Kids adult
DDay1 - 01/08/08 finaly found proof but still denied all.
DD2 31/08/2009 admited 4 cheats
DD3 20/01/2010 admitted 3 more
DD4 27/10/2016 this one is now

posts: 322   ·   registered: Apr. 14th, 2010   ·   location: Ontario
id 5623088
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2oldforthis ( member #19825) posted at 9:24 PM on Friday, January 6th, 2012

I found out 23 years later. Really hard to deal with all those feelings of my marriage being a sham.

WS was with OW at about 10 yrs. of our marriage our son was only 2. Then again with her 1 1/2 yrs. later. That is when she claims she is having his C.

I still did not know.

She moved away and came back 12 yrs. later He was with her again.

I still did not know.

The 3rd time was a sexual relationship for a short period of time with an addition of 10 years that she blackmailed him.

Finally I find out.

Sometimes I feel like a fool.

[This message edited by 2oldforthis at 3:31 PM, January 6th (Friday)]

He did not see what he had in me, what I saw in him I did not have!

Love kills slowly.

posts: 1790   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2008
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somanyyears ( member #26970) posted at 2:33 PM on Saturday, January 7th, 2012

..@2oldforthis..

"Sometimes I feel like a fool."....

..in my case: "ALL the time..i feel like a fool!"

..duped by WW and bf for 20 years does that to a person..

smy

trust no other human- love only your pets. Reconciled I think!
Me 74 Her 70 Married 49 yrs. 18 yr LTA with bff/lawyer. Little fucker died at 57.Brain tumor!

posts: 5969   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2009   ·   location: Ontario Canada
id 5624352
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Dallas2 ( member #28362) posted at 12:23 AM on Monday, January 9th, 2012

I found out seven years after he had his A and then it took him almost a year to answer even the basic questions.

Now he is frustrated and feels I should be all better now.

Does anybody know how we're supposed to be better when you've been lied to, cheated on and devaulued by a WS?

I think at the very least I should be given the same number of years to deal with his betrayal without any questions or resentment from him.

The fact the he had an A is huge but the lying and crap is still something I find it very hard to get my head around.

Me

posts: 828   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2010
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Dallas2 ( member #28362) posted at 12:23 AM on Monday, January 9th, 2012

I found out seven years after he had his A and then it took him almost a year to answer even the basic questions.

Now he is frustrated and feels I should be all better now.

Does anybody know how we're supposed to be better when you've been lied to, cheated on and devaulued by a WS?

I think at the very least I should be given the same number of years to deal with his betrayal without any questions or resentment from him.

The fact the he had an A is huge but the lying and crap is still something I find it very hard to get my head around.

Me

posts: 828   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2010
id 5626580
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hitbyatruck ( member #23769) posted at 1:17 AM on Monday, January 9th, 2012

Dallas,

How did you find out?

I just learned about an additional affait of H's because the OW has an online diary that goes 10 yrs back.

The affair was about 7 yrs ago. For me it makes me sick that this info has been on the internet ALL THIS TIME and still is.

My H doesn't really understand why I am that upset over an affair that has been done and over with for so long.

I can't really wonder what I would have done if I would have caught it 7 yrs ago vs now.

It is an odd feeling trying to remember what was going on during that time period.

Married 1998. 2 kids. First discovery 3/2009. Multiple affairs, porn addiction. one failed attempt at R. Nested for over a year. Divorce final 8/2015. XH is now married. I am engaged!

posts: 3329   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2009
id 5626653
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somanyyears ( member #26970) posted at 1:59 AM on Monday, January 9th, 2012

..if a member of your family was beaten or raped or murdered and you found out 10 years later, would you say, "Well, it happened a long time ago, so don't worry about it, water under the bridge!

..the longer it takes to find out the truth, the more lies and deceit have been used against you, and the longer they have decided to keep you in the dark.

..it makes matters even worse..i know, because i waited 23 years to find out.

..and getting all the facts is immensely more difficult with all the time that passed.

..it made for an even larger mess to deal with!

..trickle truth doesn't come close to describing the shock of finding out 'so many years' later.

smy

trust no other human- love only your pets. Reconciled I think!
Me 74 Her 70 Married 49 yrs. 18 yr LTA with bff/lawyer. Little fucker died at 57.Brain tumor!

posts: 5969   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2009   ·   location: Ontario Canada
id 5626700
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so-crushed ( member #29137) posted at 2:01 AM on Monday, January 9th, 2012

I found out when cleaning out the garage. I'm one that never snoops and assumes people are honest. (Well, I used to think that way.)

Long holiday weekend and I was going to tackle cleaning out the garage. When moving a cardboard box (covered in mouse poo), the box fell apart. I was just going to pick everything up and dump in the trash, but a few paystubs were in the mix and I'm one that shreds all info like that.

Looking at the papers now on the ground, saw "love" cards..turns out they were cards he hadn't sent his "soul mate" years ago as well as receipts for flowers he sent her. (with special instructions to put a red rose in the middle of the bouquet... something he's always done for me).

As of today ... nothing's off limits. There is nothing that I will not feel comfortable going though.

WH claims he had 2 A's. First started in '98... who knows for sure when it ended. (I know he had been in contact with OW#1 as late as 2003).

2nd A started sometime in 2003 and ended sometime in 2004. Unbeknownst to me at the time, the POS was driving by our house and was seen by my H (who had our DD with him at the time).

What I've been able to piece together years later... he started on Viagra during the first A. I remember a conversation we had in which he broke down emotionally telling me about his diagnosis of ED. Go figure... At the same time, he had grown a mustace/gotee.

Now that I've found a picture online of OW#1's H, (who has a mustache/gotee), no wonder WH had grown facial hair. He claimed at the time, he was going to explore facial hair, as he wasn't able to when he was in the military.

OW#2... he had a vasectomy during the timeframe of the A with OW#2. A very rough procedure that didn't go as well as anticipated. I took care of him ... ticks me off to realize I was just something he took for granted.. and the reason I see it that he had the vasectomy was so that he could screw the OW without risking pregnancy.

Didn't matter that he was exposing me to the shit the OW #1/#2 could be carrying.

Me - BS, 50's
Him - WH, 50's
Married 20+ years

D-Day #2 3/7/17
D-Day, 5/29/10 -found out about 2 PA's:
(1st A - EA/PA, 1998-2003(??) and 2nd A - PA, 2003-2004(??) )

posts: 204   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2010
id 5626702
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2oldforthis ( member #19825) posted at 2:21 PM on Tuesday, January 10th, 2012

..and getting all the facts is immensely more difficult with all the time that passed.

Yes, Yes, Yes can I relate to this statement.

My questions were intense, Why! because it just about involved my whole freakin marriage. It was like I had to reconstruct my whole marriage. I will say that there were somethings that now made more sense. I remember at one point in our marriage my WS was drinking during the day at work. He owned his own business and I would go down there and help out every once in awhile. Another period of time he would always stay late at work. Always had to much work to do. In the simplest of things now I know that it meant something else, not work. He was hiding out. We had a young C at the time. It pisses me off that he ignored him because of his self-centered sinful ways.

Very difficult! to sort thru.

He did not see what he had in me, what I saw in him I did not have!

Love kills slowly.

posts: 1790   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2008
id 5629353
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Dallas2 ( member #28362) posted at 3:33 PM on Wednesday, January 11th, 2012

hitbyatruck:

I found in MC. I had moved out because he went into a blind rage in front of our Grandson and I refused to no nothing.

He confessed in our second session. I think he did it for revenge. The MC has no idea why he told after all this time.

I agree it is hard to think that far back. I was going through some medical so I had started keeping a journal. I have looked at it has helped because I know we were going through some awful stuff. I tried to do whatever I could. MC- he didn't have a problem so MC said he wouldn't see us again. Romantic getaways, etc. He chose to cheat and I didn't.

We were moving out east and I had moved back about one month early. Sometime when I was gone it happened. I figure it happened before I left- at least the flirting stage. I can tell you to the date when he first physically betrayed me. i just sensed it in his voice.

The hardest thing I feel is dealing with his lying for so long. He said he wasn't happy . When I look at pictures it was after his A that he was truly unhappy.

My H sounds like yours. It's over lets just forget it and move on. I am trying to get him to figure out what in him let him do something so terrible and how not to again. I am afraid if he doesn't deal with his demon, it will come out again.

Me

posts: 828   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2010
id 5631461
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Paperclip ( member #27192) posted at 6:34 PM on Thursday, January 12th, 2012

All these years I had literal nightmares about him cheating on me before I finally pulled the truth out of him. It was years before SI and I let him gaslight me badly. What kind of monster would let their supposed loved one suffer like this?

It took me three solid years to finally get the truth out of him. I swear I have just as many scars from those years as I do from the infidelity.

posts: 862   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2010
id 5633870
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Dallas2 ( member #28362) posted at 7:34 PM on Thursday, January 12th, 2012

I had a very bad case of hives from a nightmare of him cheating very early in our M. When He actually did Cheat. I knew it and when he confessed I was a mess.

Paperclip: I also wonder how they can tell us they loved us through the years of lying.

I also think the way he handled questions and the trickle truth has caused more damage than the actual A and those are the things I'm not sure I'll ever get over.

Me

posts: 828   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2010
id 5633981
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2oldforthis ( member #19825) posted at 11:57 PM on Thursday, January 12th, 2012

It's over lets just forget it and move on. I am trying to get him to figure out what in him let him do something so terrible and how not to again. I am afraid if he doesn't deal with his demon, it will come out again.

I can so relate to this statement. This is what he wants to do also. What he did is way wrong in many many ways, years of lies, also additonal deciet with finances. So many extremes. But the work he wants to do is way nothing to the amount of destruction he has done.

He just can get it that is why we are not healing.

He did not see what he had in me, what I saw in him I did not have!

Love kills slowly.

posts: 1790   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2008
id 5634415
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always-hope ( member #27814) posted at 6:42 PM on Friday, January 13th, 2012

My WH had a LTEA/PA. I also had an STD (chlamydia) 5 yrs into our M. I found out after our first DS was born.

I was so naive at the time that I thought it was just like a yeast infection & none of the Dr.'s or the Pharmacist told me it was an STD.

After DDay for the PA, I found out that WH has been lying about other women(flirting, inappropriate talk, seeing old gf's) since we met, he cannot understand why I am hurt/angry about that NOW that I know the truth (and I do not think I know it all).

To me our relationship/marriage was started in dishonesty on WH's part. WH says that does not matter now--that he is being honest now, and thinks dredging up the past is me choosing to stay hurt/angry and not forgive him.

WH also got scabies from the PA with OW & gave it to me. WH's Dr. suggested that I got it from the dog sleeping in my bed, and gave it to

WH.

I called the CDC & spoke with them about the scabies & chlamydia. They said scabies in dogs is mange & is not transmittable to humans. Also there is an extremely remote chance that chlamydia could have been present & bouncing back & forth for 8 yrs, but highly unlikely.

WH had gone to Vegas(the year before chlamydia) with a male friend & was hit on by a hooker. He did not tell me, I overheard him joking about it with some guys 6 months after his trip. When I asked him about it back then he just glossed it over (can you say gaslight?) & I believed him completely.

I now feel that WH dodged a bullet back then, because I did not even think to ask questions & research. Now that I know WH can lie to me & cheat I connect the Vegas trip, hooker & the std. WH still denies any wrongdoing & I have no concrete proof this far out. (21 yrs)

I just feel like our whole M has been a lie...

[This message edited by always-hope at 12:50 PM, January 13th (Friday)]

BW me- 51
WH 50
3 DS
M 27 yrs
STD/PA? in 91 Many EA's, LT(10 yr)EA/PA
DDays: many -started 2005
TT never stopped, don't think I will ever have the full truth
SOW- WH's former HS 'friend/whore'
Limbo

posts: 307   ·   registered: Mar. 3rd, 2010   ·   location: The Heartland
id 5635691
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