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I Can Relate :
For Those Who Found Out Years Later

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Paperclip ( member #27192) posted at 9:05 PM on Sunday, August 14th, 2011


My heart breaks for you...I too, found out 20 years later. And the pain was nearly as bad as though it had happened yesterday. Take extra-special care of yourself during this time. I reacted the same way as anybody else - lost weight, etc. Plus I had 20 years of memories to stew about. I'm so glad I had SI, because lots of people in the "real world" won't understand this.

posts: 862   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2010
id 5386922

surviving11 ( new member #33056) posted at 6:34 PM on Monday, August 15th, 2011

To everyone that commented on my post - thanks for the kind words. It is appreciated. It was a week yesterday that I found out. It's been an awful week in so many ways but believe it or not - good in others.

It was already arranged that we would be bringing one of our children to college this past weekend and it required a 14 + hour trip (each way) Going down was difficult because we had our child with us. The ride back was very productive. We used it to talk, cry, be quiet, think, etc......

I realize that many of you may think I'm crazy - but I've already decided that I'm going to let him stay and give our marriage a chance. I love him BUT I'm confident in the fact that if I find out I was wrong - I WILL live without him. I"m not staying for the kids - our youngest is 17, or because it's a habit or all I've ever known. I'm not staying because I'm afraid to be by myself or anything like that - I'm staying because not only do I love him - but I like him. We've had a great marriage the last 20 years - he's grown into a wonderful husband and father - I can't say good-bye because he made a stupid choice when he was a 21 year old boy..... maybe that makes me naive but...... I'm going to try- I know it won't be busy - and as he says - there will be good days and bad days - I know he's right. I also know I'll never forget but I'm going to try and forgive him - completely - right now I'm just at the beginning of the process.

Thanks so much to all of you - your shared experiences and words of wisdom have been appreciated. I'm sure I'll be posting again in the future. because I know I'll need the continued support.

D Day - August 7, 2011
A - happened 20 years ago

posts: 3   ·   registered: Aug. 10th, 2011
id 5388254

Paperclip ( member #27192) posted at 7:47 PM on Tuesday, September 6th, 2011

Another thing that's different about for folks that found out later - Do you ever feel strange/awkward about enforcing boundaries now? I wish I could phrase this better, all I can come up with is it feels like shutting the barn door after the horse got out.

I was the "cool girlfriend" and then the "cool wife." I didn't mind his female friendships for the most part. Knowing what I know now, of course, it's a different story!

WH hasn't cheated on me (physically) as far as I know for twenty + years, but this weekend I put the smackdown on him having a female running partner. I swear, sometimes it feels like the As were yesterday!

So, I always wonder if I've gone overboard or if I'm still being naive.

posts: 862   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2010
id 5423270

Dallas2 ( member #28362) posted at 1:51 PM on Wednesday, September 7th, 2011


I also find it hard to enforce boundries. When I set down with FWH to tell him the things that I would not tolerate, he actually had the nerve to chuckle and make light of it. Then he got sarcastic. So I know what boundries I set and What happens if he breaks any of them. BYE BYE to my FWH.


posts: 828   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2010
id 5424415

foundoutlater ( member #32900) posted at 1:56 AM on Tuesday, September 20th, 2011

We married young but waited for kids. When we were married for 3 years I found out she had been intimate with someone when we were exclusive regulary up until a few weeks before we were married. I spent a year struggling then we went to MC. I thought it helped. She says it did, but right after we started MC turns out she started another A with him. Lasted 3 to four years. Says it ended 14 years ago, a couple years before kids. I have not seen any posts here on this but thought I would ask if anyone else has dealt with WW not knowing what she felt for OP. She tells me everything she remembers (I am fairly certian of this). We love each other and are growing together. This is somthing that I feel I need to know in order to regain trust. She agrees and I believe she is trying. I really appreciate all the members here do - thank you!

Your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.

posts: 1409   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2011
id 5444731

isadora1985 ( member #29097) posted at 3:04 PM on Monday, October 3rd, 2011

WOW! I just read through this thread. I guess it is really true that it always comes out. Sooner or later. One way or another. Truth will always prevail.

I knew about my FWH's EA while it was happening. Although I had not yet found SI, so I didn't really know that's what it actually was. I found out about the 2 month PA nearly a full year later. Apparently he had intended to take that knowledge to the grave.

I can say that had I known the truth about the PA at the beginning, we would now be D. By the time I found out, our circumstances had drastically changed and enough time had passed that I was able to think more clearly about what I truly wanted. It still hurt like a SOB, though.


[This message edited by isadora1985 at 9:05 AM, October 3rd (Monday)]

BS, 44
FWH, 52
married 26 years, together 27
3 DS (21, 16, 11)
MOW, whore who thinks she is a "Lady"...LMAO at this!
2 yr EA turned to 1-2 month PA(I think)
D-day, May 2009 (EA revealed)
D-day2, Oct. 12, 2009 (PA revealed)
NC since Ma

posts: 455   ·   registered: Jul. 20th, 2010   ·   location: MO
id 5466463

Dallas2 ( member #28362) posted at 6:37 PM on Wednesday, October 5th, 2011

I have read Dr Shirley Glass's "Not just friends". after I found out. Which was seven years past my first gut instincts and seven years of him lying.

I also have read general healing time is 2-5 years when you find out when its happening or shortly after. Basically she says that the more lies they tell and the longer they lie the harder it is to get over it. So for me I guess the healing could take anywhere from 14-35 years. I wonder if anyone has figured out how get to a place where you don't look at your FWS and think I hate you?


posts: 828   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2010
id 5470382

angryBS ( member #31156) posted at 2:16 PM on Sunday, October 9th, 2011

Hahahaha ((Dallas2) You make me laugh.

I look at my FWH and think exactly that: I hate you!!

I guess that means I'm up for 50 odd years of healing too!!

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

Me BW 37
WH 37
Relationship of 20yrs.
Married for 13 yrs.
2 beautiful kids, 5 & 8.
TT for past 3 yrs.
Latest Dday 20 Jan 2011.

posts: 145   ·   registered: Feb. 11th, 2011
id 5475967

Dallas2 ( member #28362) posted at 3:13 PM on Sunday, October 9th, 2011

angrybs- Glad to share when it helps another smile


posts: 828   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2010
id 5476003

sadyettrying ( member #28008) posted at 3:50 PM on Sunday, October 9th, 2011

Dallas - I understand your feelings completely. I think the only thing I can say to you is that the dreaded time (hopefully not as many years as you note!) and talking are the things that helped me the most. I loved Not Just Friends (WH and I read it through together with lots and lots of pausing for discussion) and it helped quite a bit.

But yes, having to deal with both the revelation of an affair and years of lying is very challenging. I think the hate stays for a long time (and continues to pop up off and on) and only starts to recede with true remorse and understanding on your WS's part.

[This message edited by sadyettrying at 9:51 AM, October 9th (Sunday)]

posts: 71   ·   registered: Mar. 22nd, 2010
id 5476030

INMOM ( new member #33727) posted at 9:40 PM on Tuesday, October 25th, 2011

Well, I fit into this group. Found out 10 yrs after the fact that my H had a yr long 'just for the sex' affair w/ a good friend of mine, a gal who was one of my bridesmaids, was my child care provider and we did many things together as couples. Besides the A, H was having 3somes w/ the couple, but her H didn't know about the A going on at the same time. WTH right?? So, she admits it to her H yrs ago, they quit speaking to us (I was hurt thinking our friendship ended for no reason), "gave it God", moved away. Her H tells me this summer in a grocery parking lot. No mention of the 3somes, H fessed up to those, denying it was ever just the 2 of them, until the next nite. He cryingly sits me down and admits lying the nite before. Now, though, he claims its been so long, he cant recall many details. (when, how, where, etc). I hate my life now. So full of betrayal and resentment. Some days are good, some like today I blow a gasket and cant take it. We are in therapy. She says to focus on the future but I need answers from the past. Thanks for reading.

[This message edited by INMOM at 3:42 PM, October 25th (Tuesday)]

posts: 2   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2011
id 5502488

sadyettrying ( member #28008) posted at 3:33 AM on Friday, October 28th, 2011

I'm really sorry, INMOM.

I totally understand, I really do.

I have to say that I disagree with what your counselor suggests and I agree with you - you need answers before you can even think of the future. You need to take however long you need to process this and rethink your past in light of this terrible information.

Many of us have been where you are and it is awful, and many of us have experienced what it is to want answers and not get them because so much time has passed. But hang in there. I found that if a wayward spouse is willing to try hard, they can remember more than they think.

You will find support here.

posts: 71   ·   registered: Mar. 22nd, 2010
id 5506622

Dallas2 ( member #28362) posted at 1:23 PM on Friday, October 28th, 2011

Iit would be so hate him for not being an adult and hiding his secret for so long. I know my life would be so different and the way things are now I have to say, better.

How do I know this? First I would've stayed in Texas. I had a nice house, pool and great friends. I also would have won my lawsuit against a company for firing me when I got sick. You lose if you don't show up. I actually seriously considered staying there without knowing I just knew we weren't good.

I would not have lived with a H who backed away from our life togethre. Oh we were together in the same house, but he always had projects to do so he spent most of his nights and weekends in his office((watching porn) or his man cave. I almost hated it when he came out. I never knew what his mood would be or what snide remarks he would make.

There are questions I can't imagine the answers to. Would I be in another relationship? I really don't know- at this point I'd say no. Would i be happier - maybe would i be

The good things that have happened is he finally came sort of clean. The most wonderful thing that happened is we became grandparents- much to soon but I believe things like that happen in God's timing not ours. My Grandson is the light in my life. I am also close enough to my family to be there when my Dad had lung cancer and now I can visit them whenever I want to or need to.

I am working on getting over what he took from me but he need to work on giving to me.


posts: 828   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2010
id 5506906

TrustednBusted ( member #33743) posted at 12:20 AM on Saturday, October 29th, 2011

I found out about my wife's first affair 10 years after it was over. I was upset, but don't struggle with images or anything. Just too long ago. Only thing that one does is make me dislike pics from that time, including my wedding album. Anything that involves my wedding, or the first year of my marriage is bad. Like, bad, bad.

Goodbye, and Good Luck everyone. I got a lot of help from this place. And wish you all the best.

posts: 523   ·   registered: Oct. 27th, 2011   ·   location: SoCal
id 5508052

iamsurviving ( member #23478) posted at 12:18 PM on Saturday, October 29th, 2011

Found out in 2007 about an EA (which i thought was only one)that lasted 3/4 years. Then found out yesterday that there was another EA back in 2001 and found out more details about EA in 2007. Devastated is not even the word - I'm am numb - married 45 years - I was married 45 years - husband was only married 39 apparently - am distraught and just heartbroken over this - don't know what to do. I'm just glad SI is here - what a horrible thing to go through at any age. God bless all here.

Me: BS (68)
Him: WH (72)
Married: 48 years
Kids: 3, Grandkids - 6
EA/PA - 6 years -
DDay - 12/16/07
DDay - 10/20/11
DDay - 8/15/12

posts: 307   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2009
id 5508493

Notmetoo2011 ( member #32912) posted at 2:22 PM on Monday, November 7th, 2011

Hi everyone. This is yet another group I fit into. My D Day was just over 3 months ago. My WH had had a series of As and ONS over the course of our M, some with women I thought were friends of mine.

Here is my dilemma ( or at least one of them!) One of my WH affairs was with a then close friend and neighbor . This one ended about 9 years ago. We continued to see the OW and her husband socially even though they moved until a few years ago when they split up. Got together with her and her new BF as recently as a month before DDay. She always acts super friendly to me and says we should get together more often. I have not seen her since I found out about her A with my H. She does not know I know. At some point I know I am going to run into her and I don't know what I am going to do. I feel so betrayed by her that she could pretend to be my friend while f**king my H behind my back and still pretend to be my friend today. The fact that it was over 9 years ago doesn't make it any easier. I try an imagine what I will do when I see her. I would love to scream obscenities at her but know that would achieve nothing. I feel I have to say something. Do you think something like "you can stop pretending to be my friend now. I know what you did and I don't want to have anything more to do with you" would be appropriate? Any others of you confronted the OW years after the A was over?

Sorry for rambling and thanks for any advice you can give.

Me-BW 47, now 52
SAWH 48, now 54
Married 25 years, now 30 years
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS, Porn
In limbo land

posts: 305   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2011
id 5522910

danny924 ( member #33521) posted at 6:18 AM on Tuesday, November 8th, 2011

I get the whole "being super nice to me".

Same boat....only difference was my friend screwed my bf when we had broken up for 3 months. I found out 4 years later (about a month and a half ago).

We have the same friends. I know I will run into her also. Idk what I will do or say. Prob ignore her. She didn't care back then, so why will she care now.

I just with she would've distanced herself from me instead of being my "friend".

posts: 66   ·   registered: Oct. 4th, 2011
id 5524586

MOED ( member #31238) posted at 10:13 PM on Wednesday, November 9th, 2011

INMOM - I sent you a private message as not sure if/when you may check back for responses.

NotMeToo2011 - WTH? Your story is so messed up! What a horrible 'friend'! I'm so sorry to hear your story.I've not confronted my H AP and will most likely not have the opportunity to as she's moved out of the state, but if I did I would have to say something. Just not sure what but I would want it to be really significant and leave her speechless. My IC had me write her a letter that I would never send and that was actually a very helpful way for me to release some anger toward her. Try doing that and then have a few lines from that handy for the next time you run into her.

danny924 - same advice. Since you both have time to plan something to say, you can come up with a few really impactful lines and then turn your back on her and walk away...leaving her speechless, stunned, ashamed, embarassed etc. All of the things an AP should feel about themselves.

FWH: 52
Married: 25 years
Affair: 1998-2000

posts: 83   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011
id 5527624

anonymous1978 ( member #33133) posted at 12:47 AM on Monday, November 14th, 2011

i am with you...found out in late 2010 about multiple inappropriate situations with different women involving texting, kissing, visits to bars, drives home, etc in 2006 and 2007. It just makes me assume things went on during our entire relationship and that it was all a lie.

posts: 74   ·   registered: Aug. 18th, 2011
id 5533463

Paperclip ( member #27192) posted at 8:10 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2011

Notmetoo2011 - Ugh, what a rotten situation! One of my OW's was also a friend, and I'm sure that one day I will run into her again. Totally not sure what I will do - I have thought and thought about it, and change my mind regularly. Right now I'm not going to say anything but I'll probably make snide remarks to her. Somehow I feel that I'll have more power in her not knowing that I know. But that's the way I feel today- tomorrow I might feel like outing her to the whole town!

posts: 862   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2010
id 5536356
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