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For Those Who Found Out Years Later

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Cephastion posted 3/25/2019 15:45 PM

For me, it's been a lot like that 5 course meal chewing gum in Willie Wonka's Chocolate Factory, only it took me MONTHS to go thru each "course" or different flavor.

Each emotion covers over the others along with your original feelings towards him, and each "flavor" (emotional phase) also comes back to visit now and then, even after you think you've moved past it all.

But each flavor or each phase is just something you just have to go through and process or digest.

I'm speaking about my own experience at least but also from what I read from others on here.

Those chick flick lovey dovey feelings are still actually THERE, more than likely, but they've been so encapsulated and buried and covered over by the dirt and the anger and the pain and the grief and the disappointment and the wrongness of it all...

My opinion is that as you work through the layers of sediment or the courses of flavor of emotions and phases you go through with rage and grief and sadness and acceptance and release of certain things...

That you will find most or all of those feelings that you are missing right now, just like buried treasure below all of that shit you gotta dig through and work through now.

And a good part of that nutritious breakfast might involve having to see your spouse get out the shovel and help you dig and do the work and do the changing you need to feel safe with continuing to have him along as a fellow "digging" partner.

I think in some ways they have to work to discredit the new, much darker version of themselves in our eyes. In a manner of speaking they put themselves on trial as the defendant and made us involuntary prosecutors. They have to help us see them as reformed or different in order to keep from just seeing a bloody criminal in front of us that needs to be locked away or "fried" as far as our trust is concerned.

Lefty posted 3/26/2019 16:35 PM

Elise8 ... Finding out years later has its own level of cruelty to it. No one seems to understand how it has tainted the memories and years that you spent together. What was real, what was not? What was he feeling, what was he thinking about us during those years.. Was any of my memories of our marriage real? Who is this person I am married to? Where did the man I married disappear to?

I am 31/2 years out of finding out about 2 affairs that took place 40 years ago. The one women, my best friend, stayed in our lives for years afterwards. What I thought was a strong, blessed marriage,has turned into a nightmare for me.

My husband takes full responsibililty. If his commitment and love for me could heal me, I would be healed. Unfortunately, I have to heal myself and that is only by dealing with the thoughts and memories of my past. I do not hide them from my husband. I talk openly about my pain. We often cry trogether, and talk thru both of our feelings.

For the longest time, I thought that I would never have any feelings for him again. But they are starting to return. I do not think that I will ever love him the way that I did before, but I do think that he is worthy of doing the work necessary to see where our marriage can go. I am starting to be willing to take a chance on growing our marriage again.

The healing cannot be rushed. The pain is deep and has to be dealt with. If your husband is truly remorseful he will take whatever you say to him, not get defensive, and do his best to help you work thru the pain that he has brought into your marriage and your life.

Take your time to decide what you want to do. Let the impact of what he brought into your marriage settle into you.

But also know that it can get better if both of you are willing to do the hard work.


[This message edited by Lefty at 4:38 PM, March 26th (Tuesday)]

Elise8 posted 4/1/2019 00:38 AM

Thank you Cephastion and lefty for your insightful comments. It's so comforting to know I'm not alone.
Tonight my husband and I talked and of course the affair came up AGAIN as we were discussing an article Rob Weiss wrote called "why men cheat".
I was questioning him again on the reasons for his affair telling him to be honest. I was very calm and did everything in my power to not raise my voice and not get angry. He told me that he felt excited with her because she was very uninhibited. He told me other details that were sexually revealing.he also told me that it took over 7 years after the affair ended to get her out of his mind. He fantasized about her for the next 7 years! I stayed calm but now he has gone to bed and I am up crying my eyes out. He told me earlier this year that this woman meant nothing to him, that it was just sex, no emotional connection. So it took 7 years to get over something that meant nothing! I feel like I'm back to square 1. If I had enough money I feel I would divorce him right now. I feel the rest of my life is going to be a life of sorrow.

Cephastion posted 4/1/2019 05:42 AM

@ Elise

I have seen shows depicting drug and alcohol use and abuse.

Addicts and alcoholics will often wrestle with their addictions for YEARS... Struggling against the temptations to go back to the bottle or the needle and FEEL what those "vessels" of dopium made them FEEL when they were freely making use of all that paraphernalia regularly.

I see the drugs and the liquor itself being "valued" in a manner of speaking. If you call a constant selfish cycle of all that stuff being bought and used and disposed of... the same thing as being "valued" that is...

But do you ever see that special used bottle or that syringe being glorified by itself? Are there passionate, moving love songs about the actual spent, used, & empty BOTTLE or NEEDLE/SYRINGE that move the erstwhile drug addicted singer to devote odes and ballads and lyrics to their honor and memory?

It seems they that addicts often break the bottles or throw them all away without a second thought as to the nostalgia of what they represent by virtue of being the more permanent and less consumable/disposable tokens and memorabilia of the thing that gave them any kind of value whatsoever to the user.

It is perhaps possible that so selfish a person as a faithless spouse could be so selfishly minded that they don't actually value the means & person by which they get their regular fix from, any more than an addict might have attachment to the drug dealer or an alcoholic be stuck on the local, regular liquor store clerk or bartender.

I don't operate that way MYSELF, so I must admit that this has been a stretch for me to grasp as well, but my own fwwife can't even half recall the faces or much of what I would think would be seemingly unforgettable details of her AP's that she abandoned me and the family and house and home for!

It took her a full year to "get over" the second guy she left me for (the second time she abandoned me), and she not only was his lover for several months but also her very close Co worker for about a solid year or more, since he was a main cook and she was a waitress at a Denny's type of restaurant at that time.

And he just used her till he was done and then dumped her without a word or explanation or rhyme or reason stated at all. He just stopped everything cold and never resumed things or said anything about it at all just like nothing had never even happened except in her own imagination alone.

Personally, I just really can't imagine how people can take such risks and make such incredible trade-offs and all of it just mean absolutely NOTHING in the scheme of things, but there you have it...

To some people, other people who are so called "lovers" are no more than "lavers" (wash basins/lavatory sinks) instead. Nothing more than a means to feel better about one's self like washing one's face and hands and then feeling better about what you are seeing when they look at themselves in the bathroom mirror.

It's not always about loving the sink or "laver" but actually just ALL about feeling young or freshened up when they see THEMSELVES after the fact.

But I can't speak for your husband. Just more or less to what I've heard and learned from my own wife and others here on SI...

[This message edited by Cephastion at 5:50 AM, April 1st (Monday)]

Hickoryapple posted 4/8/2019 23:17 PM

Thought this question was more relevant to this thread, but may post duplicate in general if it's not getting any traffic, if that's allowed?

WHs PA was approx 20 years ago, said he used condoms every time, although it wouldn't have gone on as soon as he got his d*** out. Both gave oral sex with no protection. He didn't consider the possibility of STDs until I asked about it when I found out about the A last year. She knew he had another partner at the time, so wasn't exactly a one partner at a time kind of person. So he's never had any specific testing. When I was pregnant, I was asked if I wanted various tests, I said I didn't need them as I'd only been with a virgin a long time ago and WS. He didn't speak up, was obviously pretending it never happened by that point. We've emigrated since then, so were tested for HIV, but I can't remember what else, and I suspect it wouldn't be the common & usual suspects?

Would STDs have been evident at some point over the intervening years? A few years after that I remember a weird genital thing (sorry, tmi), but thought it must be innocent/viral/whatever, as I had no inkling anything had gone on, and I certainly wasn't sleeping with anyone else. Would they show up now, be dormant, or recovered? Passed back and forth, clearing up on one (he's been away for long stretches with work, so if anything could clear up in 5 or 9 months timescale,
it would (obviously not counting any other encounters). He's finally said he'll overcome the embarrassment and go get tested, bit late though, isn't it?

Anyone got any wise advice? I feel very old and ignorant about this, but it never should have been an issue in the life I thought I had!

[This message edited by Hickoryapple at 11:29 PM, April 8th (Monday)]

Elise8 posted 4/8/2019 23:55 PM

Hickoryapple,

I discovered on a pap smear test that I had HPV about a year after my WH PA.
I always wondered how I contracted this but now I know. It is something that I have now had to deal with for decades. It comes and goes depending on the health of my immune system. It is the leading cause of cervical cancer. My husband had unprotected sex during his affair and must have gotten it from her as she was sleeping with multiple other men at that time. A real skank she was. And my husband a total idiot!

Hickoryapple posted 4/9/2019 00:45 AM

Jeez, sorry to hear that Elise! They're so selfish and ignorant to deliberately do that!
I'm sure my WS thought his AP was a 'nice' girl and std free specimen, but with the attitude of deliberately making the initial moves by giving him an unprotected bj when they first met for dinner, knowing he was in a ltr at the time.... Who knows what (or who ) else the 'lovely lady' had been doing?

[This message edited by Hickoryapple at 12:46 AM, April 9th (Tuesday)]

twjlost posted 4/18/2019 12:28 PM

I'm new and not sure what the abbreviations are.

10 yrs ago I had no proof but very strong suspicions. Everytime I confronted him he denied it. I made the choice to believe him since no proof. Fast forward 7 years. I found our wedding video and we watched it. That night he confessed he did have an affair when and with the person I had accused him of. It only lasted a few months.

We decided to reconcile since it had happened so long ago and went to therapy for over a year. It's been 3 years since his confession and 2 since therapy ended. I still cannot get passed the years of lying. I love him and our life but the anxiety is so overwhelming at times. There are days I feel as though I made a mistake reconciling. Sometimes I feel as though I rushed through things just to get back to normal.

We didn't tell anyone other than our MC. We didn't want to traumatize the kids. Sometimes I wish I could scream, stomp my feet, etc.

Married 10 yrs when the affair happened
Married 17 yrs when he confessed
Married 20 yrs this yr

twjlost posted 4/18/2019 12:54 PM

I'm new and not sure what the abbreviations are.

10 yrs ago I had no proof but very strong suspicions. Everytime I confronted him he denied it. I made the choice to believe him since no proof. Fast forward 7 years. I found our wedding video and we watched it. That night he confessed he did have an affair when and with the person I had accused him of. It only lasted a few months.

We decided to reconcile since it had happened so long ago and went to therapy for over a year. It's been 3 years since his confession and 2 since therapy ended. I still cannot get passed the years of lying. I love him and our life but the anxiety is so overwhelming at times. There are days I feel as though I made a mistake reconciling. Sometimes I feel as though I rushed through things just to get back to normal.

We didn't tell anyone other than our MC. We didn't want to traumatize the kids. Sometimes I wish I could scream, stomp my feet, etc.

Married 10 yrs when the affair happened
Married 17 yrs when he confessed
Married 20 yrs this yr

somanyyears posted 4/19/2019 08:18 AM

..hey twj...

it's a horrible secret and the 'truth' shall come out.. someday!

I say, the sooner \, the better. Hidden, it just festers and grows.. living with the elephant in the room.

Read here for a while and you'll soon see how all the secrecy, in the affair and after the affair just adds to the disaster.

Start talking... with spouse, then with family.. then 'trusted' friends (read my story about friends!) ..

You are carrying a very heavy load and you're not getting any happier the way things are building up over the secret !

sending prayers for peace in your life

smy

[This message edited by somanyyears at 11:17 AM, April 19th (Friday)]

Lefty posted 4/19/2019 18:11 PM

Hi Twjlost! Everything you are going thru is so normal. I suspected for years that my husband had an affair, and asked him many times if he had been faithful to me. 40 years later, I forced him into a confession.

The ďsexĒ is such a small thing in my healing, it is the fact that he lied to my face so many times with the same eyes that said how much he loved me. One affair was a one night stand and another was with my best friend, who stayed in our lives for years afterwards. He thought because he and my friend had only had sex twice and then stopped it was okay for her to stay in our lives. She was even at our 25th Wedding Anniversary Celebration .... Geesh ...

I am 3 1/2 years from discovery. My husband is doing absolutely everything he can to show his remorse and make me feel safe. But I still struggle with understanding that I stood beside a man for so many years, and now feel that I do not know or understand him at all. How could he love me and lie to my face when asked outright so many times? All of my memories of those 40 years of lying are now so tainted.

But it is getting easier. I talk about it whenever I feel the need to. He understands and handles my triggers with compassion and love. He does not react with frustration or anger. He is so ashamed of himself, and cannot understand himself why he let it happen. His remorse seems heartfelt, and that also helps me with my healing.

It has been a long journey, but I was not willing to throw my marriage away without trying to understand why this had happened and how my husband felt about it. I feel it was harder for me because we were first and only sex partners. So I felt my whole marriage that I was the only women my husband had only had sex with.

Do not hold back your feelings. Talk about your triggers, your thoughts, feelings and pain. It really is the only way to heal thru this trauma. Keeping them inside, only lets them fester and cause more pain.

Like others have said, I am so sorry that you have to deal with your husbands betrayal. The pain is like no other.

Cash posted 12/26/2019 05:59 AM

BACKGROUND:

My wife and I dated for 1 year, were engaged for 1 year before we were married. She was a virgin when we met and I was a wildling in the Marines. After I got out we were already engaged, but when we moved in together our relationship became toxic. We fought all the time, broke up and made up.
WHEN I CHEATED:


After a fight one time she became a litte violent, I left ended up at a party and I cheated on her. I was 22, tired of fighting and somebody filled the role of "comfort and respect". I was wrong, I felt bad afterwards and confessed the next day. She had an emotional breakdown and went into a depressive state. She did not get out of the bed for 5 days, wouldn't eat, a total mess. I took care of her, we patched things up and ended up getting married a few months later. I gave her clamidia (sorry for spelling) and we had to get treated during this time.

We married, and we became a Christians. I stopped drinking and smoking and became a better person. We tried for 5 years to have a child but no success. We bought a house and were building a life together. I began to neglect her emotionally, she was very needy because of the lack of a child and we were kind of just there. I worked 3rd shift and she worked 9-5, we really only saw each other on the weekends. She met someone at work and they had an affair for about 3 months. I saw signs but ignored them, eventually I knew. I called her mother and expressed my concern and she said she would talk to her. About two weeks later she came to me crying, saying she has something to tell me. I told her not to say it, that I already knew and forgave her (I prayed alot during those days).

A year later we did fertility treatment, and conceived our first child. Two years later, another one came along. We eventually ended up with 3 boys and a girl. A couple of months ago, all of these thoughts flooded me about her having an affair 15 years ago (I had suppressed the memory and never thought about it before). So I asked her about it. At first she played dumb, then she brought up when I cheated and wanted details that I never gave. Then when I continued to ask her, she told me about the affair.

The AFFAIR:

She said at the time, I did not spend alot of time with her. And a guy was being really nice to her at work. She said that she only let him do oral on her in the back of his car. I did not believe the story, so I asked again the next day. She told me that she had sex three times with him in the back of his car, I didn't believe that one either. So I took what details I had and told her the story didn't add up. So she told me they had sex in the house while I was at work at night. They did it without protection, and she could have gotten pregnant - after 5 years of us trying. She said the sex wasn't great, but that she was going to leave me for him. The only reason she didn't is he was just in it for the sex. So she broke it off with him. I asked where in the house, and she said in the back room. He would be there when I called her some nights. I asked for more details, but the more I got the more my heart was breaking. I asked her why she didn't tell me the truth when I first asked and she said she didn't want to hurt me. She said he couldn't get it up half of the time (I don't believe that), and that she never had an orgasm. I still feel as if she didn't tell me everything, but am trying to move on. We have talked, cried, and made passionate love for 8 weeks (almost everyday, sometimes two times). But multiple times a day I think about her affair. Sometimes I can shake it, and sometimes I find myself looking through forums to relate to people, as I don't feel comfortable talking to anyone about it.

Does this pain go away?

Do these thoughts of my wife and another man in my house ease up?

I want to know the whole truth, but how do I know when I have it?

Thanks for listening, I think I feel better.

TarnishedSilver posted 12/26/2019 06:36 AM

You may never get the whole truth. For me, even 8 years from Dday I still think about what my wh did, how I missed any signs and how someone who loves me could hurt me so badly.
The pain will fade but will always be there, well at least for me.

Look into getting IC for yourself. It will help you get through this time and help guide you as you process.

So sorry to hear you are going through this.

Marlita posted 2/20/2020 21:16 PM

New to this forum page.
To recap...met him 2008.
Swept me off my feet!
Bought a house & got married in 2013.
Found out 6/24/18 that he had been in a relationship with another woman for 14 years!
This crumbled my entire self! Let alone our marriage.
Still married, moved to our beautiful vacation home, thinking this would help.
Trust is gone.
Rings are gone, but since replaced, which I could care less about.
Our vehicles that she sat in, I absolutely refused to sit in, have all been replaced.
I feel like the man married, died & now feel like Iím in an arranged marriage to a man I would have NEVER chose!
This roller coaster sucks & wish my morals werenít so strong to not get revenge !
Heís done as much as he can, but I think he betrayed the wrong woman!
Iím just not strong enough to accept, forgive & not have a resentment!
To me? I donít believe one single word that he says.
Iíve definitely grown distant & way less interested in him.
I cannot wait until he leaves for work every day!
Being out with him totally sucks!
Iíve learned that once Iím that deep into someone & get betrayed, Iím not a good forgiver!
Hell, I donít even know if heís actually going to work!
The sad thing is that I donít even care.
But if I can just get anything I want, out of this, I just want true happiness back!
Itís definitely not going to be from him though!
Am I wrong in these feelings?

[This message edited by Marlita at 9:25 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]

TarnishedSilver posted 2/26/2020 07:01 AM

I am sorry you have joined this group. Finding out about long term infidelities is torture. Seems like this topic in the forums doesnít get a lot of attention.
I felt the same way for a very long time. Trust is still not 100% and probably never will. I work on myself and my personal growth and healing and fWH has done the same.
Take care of you, confide in the people you trust, go to IC and work on your healing.
Let us know how you are doing.

TarnishedSilver posted 2/26/2020 07:01 AM

I am sorry you have joined this group. Finding out about long term infidelities is torture. Seems like this topic in the forums doesnít get a lot of attention.
I felt the same way for a very long time. Trust is still not 100% and probably never will. I work on myself and my personal growth and healing and fWH has done the same.
Take care of you, confide in the people you trust, go to IC and work on your healing.
Let us know how you are doing.

NewWorld posted 2/29/2020 12:53 PM

Hi Marlita. Not a lot of activity over here, but I read your post and just wanted to comment on a couple of things. "Am I wrong in these feelings", in my opinion no you're not. If it's a dealbreaker for you then your feelings are totally appropriate. If your goal is true happiness and you already know that you'll never have it with him then I'd say you're way ahead of the game. You know what you want and you know where you won't find it. I'm sorry for the loss of the seven yr. marriage you thought you had but you're still young enough to achieve your goal of true happiness. I found out 40 years after the events took place. It's 9 years later now. Our 50th. anniversary is next summer. Anythings possible but without the desire to try and rebuild, your probably better off starting over. Especially at your age. JMO.

Marlita posted 3/4/2020 19:24 PM

NewWorld,
THANK YOU!
Everyday is different & I really appreciate your support & understanding!
Sorry for you as well!
This is definitely NOT the platform where I ever expected to be, and Iím sure you feel the same!
Best of luck!

NewWorld posted 3/4/2020 20:06 PM

Your welcome Marlita. Best of luck to you too. I believe you can be as happy as you want to be. I started by remembering all the good things in my life and being grateful for them.

Marlita posted 3/4/2020 22:19 PM

NewWorld,
Thank you again!
Iím not sure who recommended this, but I forgot that I took a screenshot of it & have not only been listening to it, but kept following it! Itís definitely worth a listen & so vindicating.

Relationship and Betrayal Trauma on The Addicted Mind Podcast

And thereís also a part 2!

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