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For Those Who Found Out Years Later

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64fleet posted 2/12/2019 06:33 AM

Guess Im a member of this club too. I fpund out Friday about two guys ~11 yrs ago.
Hard to R when you don't know the truth.

TimeSpiral posted 2/12/2019 21:47 PM

IAAI,
Thank you for your post. I really appreciate your advice.

Advice: Decide if you are going to be a victim and let it ruin you,
or if YOU feel you can move on, then do so knowing that there is a past but the future can only be better, especially with a remorseful WS by your side.

I am still in quite a bit of pain, it's all so fresh. For me digging into the nitty gritty details is absolutely required, I'm actively searching for holes and unprocessed issues within me to explore right now. 30 years ago we chose to rug sweep and I've seen the devastation that causes. I hate to use the term PTSD, to me the term is reserved for those who witness the horrors of war, but there's no analogous term I can find for this kind of personal trauma. In order to feel as secure as possible and not reignite the PTSD I need to turn over every rock I can find. When the day comes that I feel I can exhale I need to be as sure as possible I'm not going to get dunked again, I'm simply a more fragile man than I ever was before.

I'm definitely not willing to let it ruin me, and by extension to ruin us.

iamanidiot posted 2/13/2019 01:04 AM

64fleet
Sorry to hear about the latest TT, especially after all you've already been through over the years.

How does anyone move on with life when your spouse is unremorsefull?

I have learnt to focus on my own healing. I can't change any aspect about the past or what happened.

But it is MY life, MY future.
And I get to decide whether I am going to be happy or not.

That is my focus.
Positive action has always helped me.

64fleet :
My advice to you is to take stock of where you are now, where you want to be and how you are going to get there.

Cephastion posted 2/13/2019 05:03 AM

It's pretty bad when even my PHONE seems to commit "infidelity" against me.

I spent a long long time researching different ones and finally found a rather unique one that had very special features I didn't think other phones had.

I spent a fair bit of money on it too. And it had to be shipped over from Europe. After being shipped to there from Asia that is. It was supposed to have the longest lasting battery in the industry as well as perform at a level that was above what I had experienced in phones before.

I spent no small amount of time getting everything set up and customized and synchronized so that "we" were a team. I had read up on the literature about how to tickle its buttons properly and get it to tickle mine in turn both before and after I finally got it and started getting familiar with it.

Turns out the battery isn't what it was cracked up to be and the phone display is "cracked up" due to the thing being a hell of a lot more fragile than I was expecting. Also, it doesn't synch or process like it is supposed to and was promised to before I said "I do" to financially committing to the damn thing.

And after investing a lot of time and trouble getting everything moved over onto it and integrating it into my world and me into its world of nuances to a certain degree... Then there came a time and halfway-ish "infidelity" on its part like it did yesterday.

Of course the phone had no choice in the matter unlike my very sentient and conscious and willfully violating and rebellious wife did... Over and over and over and over and over again.

But yesterday I was using speech to text with my phone just like I often do and am doing now... And after a very lengthy and deeply thought out post that I had composed which was very deep and personal and rather time-consuming and emotionally draining... It simply quit without warning and erased everything and shut down all communications and conveyances... Thereby wiping out the story of my marriage within a nanosecond of the AI of the software deciding to do so against my will and seemingly very reasonable expectations to the contrary.

And rather ironically, it did so as I was posting on this very thread about my wife's infidelity and abandonment without warning or even red flags or having any choice or remedy available at the time to avert or "undo" the loss of all of that that was invested by me into her and our relationship at the time.

And so it is, that I felt a very small measure of disappointment and having my expectations arbitrarily "opposited" and kinda shitted on electronically by my very own phone while speaking about my wife doing the very same thing sexually and emotionally and financially on a very very large and genuinely traumatic and and even death resulting, as well as life-altering scale.

So yeah I'm feeling kind of infidelity-sensitive right now, to say the least, and I didn't say vows to this damn phone, but much like it was with my wife 20 plus years ago, I felt that I really and truly need it around in spite of its spontaneous and arbitrary occasional abandonments and overall shortcomings and broken promises about its actual features and what it will or will NOT do.

Of course my stupid phone did not do anything morally wrong, and I do not love it nor does it "love" me. There are many many breakdowns my silly little analogy to be sure. Also my phone didn't go running away with other men to be sexually intimate with them either.

But since my phone did arbitrarily erase everything I initially invested into the first drafted post of mine on this thread, I thought it seemed almost poetically linked to the content/story I was writing about, and I also realized when I began to think through what I was going to post instead, that I didn't want to invest myself so heavily in terms of time and emotion and depth of content with so risky a "partner" as I had previously entrusted those conveyances to.

[This message edited by Cephastion at 6:18 AM, February 13th (Wednesday)]

Cephastion posted 2/13/2019 05:54 AM

Having said that and managing to get my phone to post it without just up and deleting everything without warning and shutting the browser down, perhaps now I can share my original point.

Another poster on this thread commented regarding digging for details as opposed to letting the sleeping dogs lie (asleep), although they didn't word it like that.

From my standpoint this is a very complex issue really. In my originally drafted aforementioned wannabe post on here, I said that for me the additional digging, exhuming, and discovering has been quite the escalation and exponential increase of pros and cons both.

I think it's a little bit like seriously raising the stakes in a really high end, high risk poker game.

For me, some part of me came to a point where I could not and would not rest until the power that my wife had of bullying me with her own discretion of information-sharing about her sharing of her body with other men was on MY side of the table and in my pile of chips instead of in hers like it had been for over two decades and then some.

I guess until I felt I had the chips of that particular color and value in my pile, then I didn't care what the cost or risk was to me by way of the process of discovery and the gory, unforgettable details thereof.

I was quite sick and tired of the one-sided, hypocritical, bullying little "Chicktatorship" that she had so comfortably and easily established over me and our marriage in certain respects from the first year of our marriage onward, and much like an actual war, I can do a conclusion that I was not content to live under that kind of lying, bullshit oppression and double-standard "non-intimacy" verbally and emotionally with me as her husband... while she had been indiscriminately sexually and otherwise intimate with other men who she didn't even know or have any ties or commitments to whatsoever.

It took the better part of two years to win that war and there are still residual battles that are probably the equivalent of mop-up operations that we are still in the middle of even now.

[This message edited by Cephastion at 5:56 AM, February 13th (Wednesday)]

Cephastion posted 2/13/2019 05:57 AM

The only problem is that they say with great power comes great responsibility. And so, while I have indeed gained a sense of not being under her thumb of controlling information and connection arbitrarily, due to my "Give me LIBERTY or give me Death" poker playing mindset...

I have nonetheless gotten for myself a measure of both liberty AND "death".

And this actually includes her to a certain degree as well, because while we both know one another and the past a hell of a lot better than we ever expected to... On the other hand, it was the knowledge of Good and evil that brought death into this world and into the lives of the first married couple in Paradise.

And you don't have to believe the biblical account of that story and marriage. But you can read on here about people who pursued knowledge of Good and evil... Who wanted to know the dark details of the problems and persons of the past and present, and consequently how to fix all of that to the best of their ability and improve their marriages and themselves.

I think it becomes a little bit like being a police officer or an EMT.

On the one hand you're going to do a lot of good for people. and you're going to gain a lot of knowledge and skills for yourself that can be used not only to help other people but to protect yourself with as well.

On the other hand you're going to see a whole hell of a lot of shit that you never really wanted to see. And maybe learn some things you really didn't wish you knew or learned.

A lot of soldiers go into a war voluntarily and optimistically and idealistically minded... Only to come out the other side of it traumatized and changed by what they saw and experienced.

Some of these people... The soldiers, the policemen, and the EMT's have shoulders and hearts and minds big enough and tough enough and compartmentalizing enough to absorb the mental and emotional blows that comes with the job of knowing and functioning within that knowledge and that kind of environment.

But then again some of them end up weaving baskets in their spare time instead...or shutting down or become altered in a way that is not good or healthy for anyone involved.

Personally, I wish that for me it was as easy as it was for my phone. I wish that I could have had the power of liberty instead of being bullied by my wife and her controlling ways as well as her decisions to beat the shit out of my heart and our marriage by way of abandonment of lies and emotional abuses and multiple adulteries...

I wish I could have had that power of liberty without the price and without the "death" that comes along with the knowledge of what she did and who she was and what manner of creatures it was that she was doing all of that with.

I wish that I had that liberty or power & protection that comes with knowing certain things...and yet could somehow erase all of that awful information in a nanosecond... But still leave a virus protection and firewalls and passwords and certifications verifying software in place for my own protection and self-preservation as well as hers.

I envy my phone in that.

[This message edited by Cephastion at 6:10 AM, February 13th (Wednesday)]

TarnishedSilver posted 2/17/2019 08:00 AM

My first dday was a shock and very hard to take since it was over 20 years at the time in the past and I had no idea the infidelities happened.

After about 10 moths from dday #1 I was feeling better and I felt I could trust him. He was getting IC on a regular basis to find out the “why” the infidelities happened. I was also getting IC.

We were getting to a good place and then more information surfaced accidentally. 11 months from dday number one was dday #2.

It’s been 8 years today since dday #1 and we are in a good place.
fWh knows if anything.....and I mean ANYTHING surfaces anytime in the future, pack a bag and leave for good.

The rollercoaster is painful and anyone that can sit back and watch the one the say they love be in such pain and continue to lie or withhold information doesn’t deserve more chances.

SaddestDad posted 2/28/2019 15:00 PM

I guess I belong here too. Yayyyy

Stronger2 posted 3/1/2019 04:04 AM

SaddestDad - what is your story?

SaddestDad posted 3/1/2019 08:48 AM

WW had an EA from March 2014 through Oct 2016.
We were married in Oct 2014...
The EA was with a married someone she had been physical with prior.
DDay was Feb 4, discovered thanks to our 2.5 year old playing on her iPad and getting to imessages.
We're going to R but for now, I'm focusing on healing.

Cephastion posted 3/1/2019 12:16 PM

Why did she marry you while she was "loving/in love with" another man? Has she explained that to you yet?

The EA was with a married someone she had been physical with prior.

Was the guy she was "physical with prior" with during the time after he was also a married man himself?

Does his betrayed wife know about any of this yet?

SaddestDad posted 3/1/2019 14:01 PM

Why did she marry you while she was "loving/in love with" another man? Has she explained that to you yet?

Yes, she has explained that to me. She has explained that she did love me, and that she had not realized (at first) that it WAS an A, because of the fact that she was no longer being physical with him at that point.
She married me because she knew that I was (and am) "the one," even though she was, in fact, still invested into his advances (that last part is more of a new realization of hers).

Was the guy she was "physical with prior" with during the time after he was also a married man himself?

Yes. He gave the classic, "oh, we have rocky marriage and the only reason I'm staying is for the kid, blah blah blah..." which made it more acceptable to her in her eyes.

Does his betrayed wife know about any of this yet?

As of 2 days ago, she certainly does. I called her and broke the news to her. She took it way better than I probably would have. I've given details in my main thread on JFA. Quite frankly, I hope for her sake that she throws him out on his wayward ass so hard that his tiny balls shove up into his bladder and remain there, but I may have a slightly biased opinion on that one...

Cephastion posted 3/1/2019 14:54 PM

Quite frankly, I hope for her sake that she throws him out on his wayward ass so hard that his tiny balls shove up into his bladder and remain there, but I may have a slightly biased opinion on that one...

Well at least for his sake in your fantasy outcome he actually gets to keep his.

In mine, they not only lose their eyes but get a botched testicles-to-spectacles replacement procedure due to the sheer force of shock and awe applied to the source of their "southern hospitality" towards my wife and my family and me.

SaddestDad posted 3/1/2019 15:47 PM

Well at least for his sake in your fantasy outcome he actually gets to keep his.

Actually, he only keeps them until his bladder becomes so distended that testicular removal is necessary as well as a lifelong ileostomy and a pissbag hanging off his belt.

Cephastion posted 3/1/2019 16:21 PM

Actually, he only keeps them until his bladder becomes so distended that testicular removal is necessary as well as a lifelong ileostomy and a pissbag hanging off his belt.

Ooo, I kinda like that!

Maybe we could round them all up and make some serious money by forming a whole new "Boyz 2 Girlz" choir. (Or does "Boyz 2 woMen" sound better?)

And every time the bags would fill up, we could sit our children up on our shoulders, like Jimmy Stewart did at Christmas time with Zoe. We could tell our kids that everytime the bag fills up, a fallen angel gets reminded that he lost his "wings".

[This message edited by Cephastion at 4:28 PM, March 1st (Friday)]

SaddestDad posted 3/7/2019 11:50 AM

And every time the bags would fill up, we could sit our children up on our shoulders, like Jimmy Stewart did at Christmas time with Zoe. We could tell our kids that everytime the bag fills up, a fallen angel gets reminded that he lost his "wings".

Ceph, I think we could start a pretty darn good seasonal business with this concept

All kidding aside though, this fucking sucks.

Elise8 posted 3/24/2019 00:58 AM

I guess I'm part of this club. Amazing the forums out there. Never knew this has happened to so many people.
Found out after 40 years of marriage that my husband has been addicted to porn our entire marriage, had a year long PA, visited a prostitute, a few EA. He managed to keep it all very secret. First found out about the porn as he had advanced from magazines to videos to internet porn. It is easier to discover now because of the internet and my husband is very computer illiterate. At first I thought it was only a porn addiction problem but as he started to admit finally to the porn, I just knew there was more to the story. I found out four months after the porn discovery that there had been a year long affair with an ex gf. He had sexual encounters with her at our house, her house, in the woods, car. This was during the earlier part of our marriage. I knew something was off during that time and even years after but never, ever, ever thought he would cheat. He was the good Christian, moral man that everybody looked up to.
What a joke! I married a cheater, liar, narcissist man. D day was Jan 2018 but trickling truth for the last year. I think I finally have all the truth now. He has been willing to take a polygraph to convince me. I will stay in the marriage because frankly, we do not have the finances to divorce. I don't want to live alone and in poverty. I am still depressed and grieving and have no idea if I will ever feel normal again. I am disgusted at times when I look at him. Even though he is in recovery for sex addiction and seeing a counselor and is very kind and attentive to me now, I just feel dead towards him and have very little affection. I have triggers every day.
It is hard to find this all out so late in my life, but I am too tired to start over. I will just try to make the best of it and enjoy my adult kids and grandkids. So hard to have sexual relationships with my H now. I pray every day that soon I will have some sense of normalcy again.
I grieve with all of you BW or BH who have to go through this pain, the worst pain I have ever experienced. I have little self confidence now. I lost my identity. Thank God for my therapist and the few friends I have told. I pray for you all.

Cephastion posted 3/24/2019 01:41 AM

Elise, have you ever been so horribly violently ill that you felt like your body might not be able to handle it?

Or else so exhausted from the awful "effects" that you felt that it and the fatigue of it all was overwhelming?

Well, I think it's kinda like that for some of us going thru the "stomach bug" and "fever" of this awful, horrific swill that we've all been forced to drink and swallow down against our will.

I will still go thru times that I feel like the storm and the waves are overtaking me and causing me to utterly drown, but they aren't as often or severe or long lasting as those times were earlier on in this process for me.

They say on here that it's about 3-5 years or so on average, I think, for recovery.

I see myself as being in year 3.5 since my rugpulling up d-day was late October 2015 even though it all happened between 1993 thru 95, which were the very first 3 years of our marriage.

Some days I can actually feel rather half decent or even GOOD about myself and her and life again.

But I'm not out of the woods yet, I just wanted you to know it does get better with processing and "vomiting" the poison and hopelessness OUT of your system after a good long while.

[This message edited by Cephastion at 1:45 AM, March 24th (Sunday)]

Elise8 posted 3/24/2019 09:16 AM

Cephastion,

How did you ever get your attraction again and respect your spouse again. That is the difficult part for me. Since D day every little thing he does now irritates me. I will never feel the same way I used to feel. He is very remorseful, cries a lot but I feel no compassion for him at all. My emotions are flat. I still pry for details, then I feel rage, which is the only emotion I can really feel.

Cephastion posted 3/25/2019 15:42 PM

Duplicate post... Original is Continued on the next page.

[This message edited by Cephastion at 3:46 PM, March 25th (Monday)]

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