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For Those Who Found Out Years Later

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NewWorld posted 8/15/2018 13:08 PM

iamanidiot, I read your profile. In it you mentioned "I will never just accept what she did".
That was the first hurdle I had to clear. It took a long time to really accept it happened. It
wasn't a bad dream, nightmare, etc. After reading quite a bit I discovered you can't recover
without acceptance. Acceptance, recovery, forgiveness in that order (generally) makes
reconciliation possible. I was already to work on reconciliation until I realized I never finished
step 1. Had to go back and almost start from scratch. It happened, it's part of our history,
but it's not all of our history. If your wife is unremorseful and has no empathy for you plight,
perhaps some IC could help her understand her why's which should help with acceptance.
I bet during the course of IC she'll start remembering some of the things you need answers
to. I did a great job of blocking out any thoughts of my infidelities for 30 years. At first I could remember very little, but as I was asked about things over and over, both in counseling and
by my wife, I began to remember. I think it helped her with acceptance and visa versa. You
never said if you were or had been in IC. If you haven't been I think it might help with
obsessive/compulsive thoughts (personally, I don't think they'll ever go away completely, just
less intrusive and less painful). It can give you some breathing room to start living life again. I know
you've been told before but take care of yourself. Don't beat yourself up for not knowing. You
didn't know because you loved and trusted your wife. There's nothing there to beat yourself up
over. Believe me, self talk (that internal narrative you buy into) can make or break recovery.

[This message edited by NewWorld at 1:10 PM, August 15th, 2018 (Wednesday)]

iamanidiot posted 8/17/2018 05:20 AM

NewWorld says First step - Acceptance!
I think that is right.

It has been 3 and a half years and I am still struggling:
Firstly - that I never wanted any form of infidelity/affair in my life, it was just NOT in any part of my vocabulary. It was not me and would never happen to me. When I got engaged to her, as far as I was concerned, it was for life.

I have to accept that infidelity happened. I am part of 'that' world.

Secondly - I have to accept that she DID do those things. As much as it goes against my thoughts about the wonderful 16 year old I fell in love with, I have to accept that she wanted it, went after it, lied to protect it, was true to it. She was 'married' to infidelity.
She WANTED those guys, that way.

Yes. I need to accept all that before I can get started on my healing.

Somedays,
I just can't.....

NewWorld posted 8/17/2018 13:18 PM

iamanidiot, I get what you're saying. It's a long process. Like somebody on here said " this is a
marathon, not a sprint". This level of trauma takes a long time to understand, cope with and heal from. Couple of things you mentioned: "She WANTED those guys, that way". But, if I read
you right, she hasn't for 30 years. That's a big plus. "Somedays, I just can't". Which supposes
that somedays you can. If somedays you can, then you're making progress regarding acceptance.
Again, it's the way you choose to think about things (glass half full or half empty).
You mentioned your wife not remembering things you need to know. Something that might give
your wife a track to run on regarding remembering details is a post in I Can Relate forum, "BS
questions for WS's" pt.12, on page 31 by Hikingout (1st post @ top of page). She was answering
questions from BS's. I thought it was one of the most insightful posts I've ever read from a WW.
It helped me get my head around a couple of things I couldn't completely understand. I'm
mentioning this because I asked my wife to read it. She could relate to a lot of what Hikingout
was saying. It lead to a deeper and clearer discussion of details and motivations that I didn't have before. Perhaps if you and your wife read it together it could be the catalyst for her
to begin understanding her why's. Maybe even start her thinking about remorse and empathy.
Just a thought.

iamanidiot posted 8/20/2018 01:25 AM

Hi NewWorld
I know it was a long time ago but some of those details are just so new for me. It hurts.
I suppose thats why it takes time. 2-5years. Time to adjust and accept.
She DID change and has been the very best partner for the last 30 plus years. So the relationship post-A has been worth it.
I have something that a lot of BS'es don't have. - Most BS are left wondering what the future will hold for them. If the relationship after an A can be good?
I can tell them that it has and for me continues to be GOOD. Point of fact; if we had not been in such a good space together, she probably would never have told me.

The best 'learning about infidelity' for me was in that forum, reading those answers from WS'es.
Thanks, I will do that.

NewWorld posted 8/20/2018 15:08 PM

Hi iamanidiot, sounds like you're in a better place today. Made me feel good reading it. Thanks
to TTing I'm not much further out than you are. Sometimes it's still a roller coaster. But, more
good days than bad. I guess that's how it goes. Still committed to R though for some of the same
reasons you mentioned. Still sucks, but I believe we can be completely happy again. One foot
in front of the other. I don't believe time heals all wounds, but it can dull them, and time well
spent can heal them. Have a great day iamanidiot. Catch you later.

Rekt posted 10/6/2018 04:42 AM

I found out 30 years later. We'd been together for 3 years when he was with a prostitute. We'd dated for 1 year, lived together for 2, then married the next year.

He admitted that he knew I'd end our relationship if he had told me then so he kept his secret. He fessed up on 9/24.

Our whole marriage has been unhealthy (caused by both of us) but that secret is really tearing me up.

Stronger2 posted 10/12/2018 04:24 AM

Hi Rekt,
I'm so sorry about your situation. I found out 14 years after the fact (4 month PA during which I got pregnant followed by a later 5 year EA from 2007-2012).
It is difficult enough in my situation so I really feel for you being kept in the dark even longer.
Any issues in your marriage are nothing to do with the infidelity. There are difficulties in EVERY marriage but most marriages don't involve infidelity. The infidelity in your relationship is an entirely separate issue and as you had no choice, say or control over it, it is nothing to do with you. I like others still blame myself at times and feel that if only I'd been better this would not have happened. However, the truth is that my WH's PA came about because he liked the attention he got from the PA and he wanted more of it along with a load of excitement and getting to feel 'special'- nothing to do with the marriage. There are a lot of bullshit ideas around about why people have affairs. Mostly this involves blaming the person who is being abused ie the BS and I guess that that is partly why we also blame ourselves. Part of the bullshit is the idea that people have affairs because they are looking for something they're not getting in the marriage. True - in my husband's case he was looking for excitement and an ego boost and to some extent wild tear each others clothes off sex.Yes for sure having a settled happy family with two small children doesn't involve those things on the whole. So yes the marriage wasn't providing that but then I'm not aware of many fourteen year relationships with small children which do provide that. Fact is that my husband didn't really want to compromise his adolescent wants just because he'd made a vow to be faithful and because he'd become a father. He wanted all of that but he also wanted to be able to behave like a teenager at the age of 40.
Anyway - to reiterate - your WS's infidelity was about what was missing in him and what was wrong with him. It had bugger all to do with the marriage or you.
Keep posting - you are not alone.

DomesticTourist posted 11/1/2018 18:01 PM

I guess I get to be in this club, too.

My wife fucked my best friend for at least two years, then concealed it for five years.

I found out six months ago.

Weve been married 26 years.

Im sick about it.

NewWorld posted 11/2/2018 14:04 PM

Hello DT. I'm sorry you find yourself here too. Just wondering if you've looked into IC over the last six months? Finding out it was with you're so called best friend is especially brutal. Did your wife confess or did you find out on your own? I'm sure someone else has already mentioned it but be sure to check out the healing library (upper left corner of page). A lot of helpful info there. What are your plans going forward. Is WW remorseful?

DomesticTourist posted 11/4/2018 11:34 AM

New World,

I'm going to write my story and post it on my profile shortly. In short, I've done a few sessions of IC, my wife confessed years later under some duress and she is terribly remorseful.

DomesticTourist posted 11/4/2018 14:22 PM

Ok, my story is in my profile.

MoreThanBroken posted 11/11/2018 16:45 PM

Aside from the very triggering situation that is the LTA. I find myself wondering what I would do if I had known my WW was on a site like this and for years had been told to confess and refused. I found out 3 years after her last contact and to be honest. If she had for years not confessed, for years been told about the devestation that would be, was able to read through all the painful shit on JFO and still couldn't come clean...I think I would have to divorce. The sheer amount of cowardice or lack of a soul would be my only conclusion.
My wife didn't tell a soul about her endeavors nor did her AP, who was a friend. I can understand keeping a secret, I don't agree but I can understand. But what I found was that as soon as I found out (she never told me, I found screen shots), all that work she did for years...didn't matter. I'm sure for many, it's a take it to the grave type of process.

CantBeMe123 posted 12/6/2018 11:21 AM

I'm struggling with a lot of things related to my TWFOYL situation. The main thing right now is, in the 12 years that has passed, my WW has forgotten many details, many small but a few large. I can understand this; I remember very little from back then myself (although I wasn't having an A...), but I really struggle to accept her memory loss as honest or to be able to tell the difference between it and a lie/omission.

I don't feel that my WW has any reason to lie to me any further, but it is incredibly frustrating and hurtful to our R for me not to get closure on the whole A, especially some big detail stuff (she can't remember if they had sex 3 or 4 times). Anyone else have to deal with this and have any advice?

Hesaliar posted 12/6/2018 17:04 PM

I'm dealing with this now. Idk and Idr are all I've heard for a year. His affairs spanned our 4- 10 years of marriage. I learned about all of it last year near our 25th anniversary. He can't even remember names! How pathetic is that! I just had another trickle truth as to when he screwed the last one. He was a year off. He had said it was not long after #5 ended. When he finally wrote a time line, it was not long after I had baby #3. I've spent a year trying to make sense out of what my life was vs.his and now it's once again something different from what he initially told me. Does it really matter? He shouldn't have done it at all. Me...I'm just sick of all of it. I'm considering divorce. This has put me over the edge. I wish I felt indifference instead of hatred. I smashed his original wedding ring yesterday. It felt good. I never want him to wear it or read the inscription ever again. Saw IC yesterday. She thinks we shouldn't still talk about the affairs. It's not helping me. I think I don't know enough for closure. He worked with the first one for a year, wrote her paycheck each week, spent the night with her and jacked each other off for 2-4 months. He can't remember her last name. Really!!! I know many in this group are able to let go of this madness of lies that are so old that no one knows the truth anymore. I'm finding I'm not in that group. Only you can decide what is acceptable for you. I'm sorry. For me no answers is soooooo hard.

CatsEye posted 12/6/2018 17:17 PM

Dear Hesaliar,

I suspect that your husband is telling the truth about not being able to remember the woman's last name. What that tells me is that your husband might be the sort of man who doesn't see women as individuals but as interchangeable objects that are disposable when they are no longer convenient. That worries me.

Beyond that, I wonder if it's really helping you to hear all of the nitpicky details. What good does it do?

But I'm not you. I don't know all the details of your situation. I don't know your husband. And I don't know what you need. I do know that what we need and what we want can be very different.

Best of luck to you.

Hesaliar posted 12/6/2018 18:21 PM

Catseye, I don't feel like names and dates are nitpicky details. One of the AP's worked with both of us. Actually 3, but I was not around the other place as much. AP 3 smiled to my face and fucked my husband behind my back. 2 were flight attendants; he's a pilot. I deserve to know if I'm facing someone who screwed my husband. I never want to run into one of them and have small talk because I'm clueless as to who they are. I don't ask about oral sex or positions. I do want to know if he endangered my baby by screwing a stranger while I was pregnant. I want to know exactly his level of disregard for me and her. I want a time line. I want him to remember that I was home with 3 littles while he was getting his jollies. HE was the one excited about baby 3 and a new house. Then he decided to start dating again. He originally said the 4th affair was ending when we moved and found out about baby #3. Nope...he pursued her after that and fucked her for most of my pregnancy. ONS with Ms. America now was after the baby was here. 9/11 was in there. Most of us remember that. He doesn't know if he was still seeing #4 then. She called him to make sure he was okay. That's all he knows. Baby was the alleged catalyst for his changing his ways. Who knows...he's a liar and a cheat who screwed liars and people who are disgusting like him. This phase will pass again for me...the rage. I just don't think I want to move on with him. I don't like who he is. He is not someone I'd choose to be friends with let alone a life.

Butforthegrace posted 12/6/2018 21:36 PM

Can'tBeMe: It's not that surprising that she can't recall if it was 3 or 4 times. Can you recall how many times the two of you had sex during that same time frame? Can you recall how many times you had sex with the woman you were with before you met your current wife?

My recollection is that, with the possible exception of one time, their sex involved going to a bar and drinking. And it was with a group of friends, and they often went to that bar. Alcohol, years passed, nothing remarkable to distinguish them.

Maybe the salient question is how many times did they have sober sex that wasn't after a night of drinking? If that was once, then they had drunk sex more than once. Maybe she can remember if it was more than twice.

CatsEye posted 12/6/2018 22:05 PM

Dear Hesaliar,

It's pretty easy for me to name everyone with whom I have had sex for the last thirty years, because it was one man only. I could not give you any exact dates when we had sex. I didn't mark it on my calendars, and I'm not good at remembering that sort of thing. But your wayward husband should be able to provide some sort of timeline even if he has to guesstimate dates.

I can understand that you wouldn't want to make civil smalltalk with a flight attendant your husband works with and later learn that she was one of his partners in adultery. If he still works with any of the women, he ought to be able to find out their names. If he never sees them anywhere any longer, these details that you are wanting might be things that he is simply unable to provide, no matter how much he would like to soothe your concerns.

But if you think he is deliberately withholding information, I agree that that doesn't speak well for your chances of reconciliation. And if you no longer like him or respect him in addition to no longer trusting him, then you don't have much of a foundation to build on.

As a general rule, I try not to make important decisions when I am angry or sunk into the depths of depression, but in the middle of dealing with betrayal, we unfortunately have to make a lot of important decisions while we aren't perhaps in the best frame of mind to do so.

It sucks, and I hate it for you, and I wish I had some helpful advice to offer, but I don't.

Best wishes.

Lefty posted 12/7/2018 13:11 PM

Hesalier, my husband hardly remembers anything about his affairs. His explanation is that the guilt he felt, the disappointment in himself, the disgust made him bury these memories very deep inside him. He said that even if a memory did pop up, he immediately shut it down and felt disgust for himself. Then he was in a major car accident, which also affected his memory.

I do believe that he has told me as much as he can about his affairs. But the little details are not being answered and they still do haunt me. With my best friend it is things like, who made the first move, how long did you resist before you gave in, how could you stand between me and her and act so normal, why did she stay in our lives, why were you not remorseful then, but are now, what changed, etc etc etc.

We are 3 years out, and well in recovery, but when these thoughts surface, which they still do, my heart breaks a little bit more. I often wonder if he could answer them would we be 100% into recovery. I have lost so much respect for him.

So, what you are experiencing is very normal. I am living with the belief that if we both continue to do the things necessary to recover, that we will be able to love one another again.

My story is posted, and I understand that there is something so very painful about finding out years later and feeling that you were played for a fool. You will eventually get to a point of trusting that your wife is telling you everything she remembers, but that took a long time for me, and I still very occasionally try to trip him up, but he is consistent with his tale and the remorse that he feels.

Hesaliar posted 12/7/2018 15:12 PM

Lefty, I'm so sorry you know this distress so well. Your story is very similar to mine.
My husband doesn't seem to comprehend the damage the lying has done. He's finally remorseful and doing what he should've done then. I have PTSD. I think the damage just might be too much for me. I'm so sad and disgusted that all these years have been wasted. So many things could've been different. Either way. Either actually fixed for the better or over and not had more kids with a cheater. He robbed me and I'm grieving greatly.

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