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For Those Who Found Out Years Later

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iamanidiot posted 2/8/2018 02:19 AM

Hesaliar

He thinks 16 alleged years of faithfulness prove he learned something. I just see the lies. I doubt every memory and every motive.....She thought I might eventually see his positives from these most recent years. 3 months since Dday and I'm still triggering hard and feeling pissed most days.
Welcome to this club. My thoughts go out to you.
My story is almost a carbon copy of yours.
On a positive note, you do get to a point where you move on. For me it has taken 3 years. But I still trigger & get pissed off.
Keep reading, Keep posting. It all helps.

Hesaliar posted 2/8/2018 19:13 PM

[This message edited by Hesaliar at 1:07 PM, March 1st (Thursday)]

TarnishedSilver posted 3/5/2018 05:52 AM

Steadychevy
Thank you for the information about IC. I have been struggling and know itís time for me to seek help to fully recover.
All the things you said were spot on in the way I feel about the trama is right in front of me everyday.
I will look into finding IC that is the right fit for me.

steadychevy posted 3/5/2018 09:45 AM

Good to hear, TarnishedSilver. Remember not all IC are created equal. You can fire an IC. My best wishes for you in your healing.

steadychevy posted 3/5/2018 10:02 AM

Sorry I didn't check back in before this, Hesaliar.

Three months, now 4, is really only a very short time. It doesn't matter if the adultery was years ago and you just found out. It still takes a long time to heal. If you just found out it is brand new like it just happened. A common thought is it takes 2 to 5 years to heal. Triggering is natural and some things hit really, really hard.

My WW committed adultery with 4 different men before we married. I didn't know about it but I had some unease. Twenty-five years later my WW started a LTA with a COW. Those 25 years of not actively cheating, all of the good times and things and having children didn't stop her from committing adultery after 25 years.

Perhaps your husband has done the work. Had an epiphany. Has really changed. I don't know. My experience is different than that. It is my opinion that he does need IC. Especially when he doesn't remember his mindset from back then. How can he know it is changed then. The fact that he doesn't feel he needs IC is worrisome. IF he really wanted to R he would do whatever you needed him to do to make you feel safe.

It's probably old news to him and since it didn't just happen it shouldn't matter that much. He's wrong. Like I said above - it's brand new to you.

My best wishes for you, Hesaliar. I hope you get what you need to heal.

Onlyjustgetingby posted 3/7/2018 06:31 AM

I found out about my WW 2.5 years LTA in October 2017. It apparently ended the beginning of 2015. WW has not really opened up to me about any of the details. I found out 13/10/17 (that day will stay in my head for the rest of my life). My DS and WW were in hospital over night. I had my suspicions round about when the LTA started but they both (Best friend = Double betrayal) convinced me nothing was going on. Over the next 5 years I had doubts but never acted on them, I'll always beat myself up about the what if's and buts. Anyway back to 13/10/17, I had in the weeks leading up to DDay been having nightmares about finding out about the A. My detective me got the better and I started to dig. I downloaded a free recovery program for mobiles and let it do its business. What it pulled up left me breathless, cold sweats. I felt I'd been knocked into space. I didn't sleep a wink that night waiting for her to come home the next morning.

So sad that we get this shocking gift we never wanted - BETRAYAL.

I have read up on the forums loads, sometimes it helps and other times I feel worse after being here.

I have booked into see IC tonight. Hopefully this is the new beginning of a new me! I've done no wrong yet I feel like I'm the one that has to make all the changes and pull all the strings in R. Life is so unfair

steadychevy posted 3/7/2018 07:31 AM

Hang in there, Onlyjustgetingby. Your name strikes a bell with me. People ask me how I'm doing and I say "getting by". That seems better than the way I was before where I didn't feel like I was.

We have those dates permanently burned into our heads, don't we. September 1, 2013 was the day I got proof my WW had committed adultery for 4 years and it ended 7 years before that. There's other dates, too. The good news is that there's been a couple of those "significant" dates that slipped by unnoticed in the last year. Progress.

I, too, beat myself up about "what if I ...". But I didn't. My worst thing is thinking about what I should have done and didn't. But, like you, that is based on information I now have that I didn't have then. My IC is really working on that with me. I think I'm making progress until I get over tired or not feeling well.

You, like me, didn't do those things because we didn't really know anything. We were suspicious but had no proof. Our queries were denied. My wife (Christian) swore before God. We suffered from love bias and our loved one wouldn't lie to us so convincingly. What if we were wrong and our crazy/jealous/paranoid/suspicious accusations damaged our marriage and there was nothing going on (gaslighting, much).

One of the things my IC is also working on with me, or more confirming for me, is that I now recognize red flags. I actually saw a lot of red flags that I rugswept throughout our marriage. I was married for life so felt I would just live with them or overrode my gut and head with my heart. I tried through 20 years of marriage (guessing at how long) for my WW to get help because something was off kilter. She resented that I thought she needed help and, therefore, I was the problem. So my hindsight points out so many red flags that I should have paid more attention to. My IC is stressing that I pay attention in the future and not ignore/rugsweep. When someone shows you who they are - believe them.

I hope your IC works out. I've now had 3. The first was good and served a very useful purpose in the 4 months following DDay1. The second was total crap (she was cheap though - way below the profession recommended rate). The one I have now is excellent. I have pretty severe PTSD. She is well versed with PTSD, has had it herself from her time in law enforcement and works with military and law enforcement personnel.

I've started thinking in just the last short period that I think I'm going to make it. I don't mean that I was going to take my life although 4 and a half years ago that was a possibility. I mean that I'm going to get to a point that life is good and I'm at peace.

I would like the same for you. I hope you hang in there and continue reading SI. I know some of the stories are heart wrenching. I feel for the BS so deeply and quite often it's hard to bear. But there's lots of support, guidance, suggestions, etc. that are very useful. All want the best for you and to get out of adultery. Take the best and leave the rest.

By the way, I don't think your WW is anywhere close to being R material. She may get there. In a lot of cases, maybe most, it takes a while for the reality of what they've done to finally sink in. Some will never get there. She should be bending over backwards, answering any question, being proactive with information, comforting and finding out how and why she gave herself permission and encouragement to commit adultery. TT (trickle truth) restarts the clock. It's going to take 2 or 3 to 5 years to heal from the trauma whether with her or apart.

I wish you the very best for your healing. I hope it's on the speedier side but don't try to race through it. It will take as long as it takes.

You might want to take a look at Betrayed Menz in the I Can Relate forum. Good group over there. Hang in there.

Onlyjustgetingby posted 3/8/2018 10:20 AM

Steadychevy it is good to hear that some of the dates are slipping your mind but you are quite far ahead of me.

How long have you been in IC for?

I've noticed in myself that I'm more aware of my surroundings now and I'm constantly looking for red flags. Not really a good thing I suppose but that is what this has pushed me to be like.

WOW 3 IC's!! We tried MC within the first month and what a waste of time and money that was and she wasn't very good. My experience with m new IC was very good. Booked to back next Tuesday and I'm looking forward to it as well. Hope she doesn't make cry though! I get where you are coming from with the suicide. I was thinking that before Christmas but I just had to keep thinking of my kids waking up Christmas day without their dad. Really glad to hear that you feel like you have some sort of purpose again in life.

I'm sort of still at the stage of "why me? what did I do to deserve this?" I know I will make it out of the other side, no doubt about that - I'm a survivor.

I get what you are saying about WW. Sometimes she gets really upset and others it's as if she doesn't care. She has her own confidence issues.

I've already told WW I am going to take as long as I need to recover from the trauma of betrayal.

I'll take a look at the Betrayed Menz thread.

Once again thank you for your kind words and support.

steadychevy posted 3/9/2018 07:51 AM

I sure didn't get to dates slipping by quickly. It's a pretty new phenomenon.

I had a new grandson born on Feb 4. I went to see him (and my daughter and son-in-law, of course) a week later. To get there I have to drive by the epicentre of adultery 3 hours south of the ranch where 4 years of adultery were carried out. His place is visible from the highway as well as a few other "special" places. I've always had a tough time through about 30 miles of highway there and another spot another hour south. Fortunately none of the dozen or more hotels are along this route. I felt a twinge but nothing more. Huge progress. Fantastic. Unfortunately s day later something happened that really crashed me.

I tell you this to illustrate that there is improvement. It takes time and, in my case, therapy. It can happen.

I've had 16 hours of counselling with this IC now. Oh, by the way, your experience with the MC way too early in the trauma is consistent and can be very damaging to the betrayed. I'm 150 km from her but 2 hours of driving because of city traffic at her end. I do 2 hour appointments (and the time speeds by) because of the distance. It takes a minimum of 7 hours per appointment. It's an investment in me that I can't afford not to make.

I can't describe the difference in me. By my measure it's phenomenal. I don't think the IC before this one would have worked very well because, until my WW left my house, I saw the source of my trauma everyday and it was evident there was not going to be R. My severe PTSD is because of the continued exposure for so long.

I had another IC on Wednesday. I'm getting past the "what ifs" and the "if onlys" and the "why mes". I had lots of those, Onlyjust. Why me Lord? I tried to be a good and faithful servant.

The ugly word here on SI and IRL is "time". It takes time and more time. Looking ahead it seems too much. But it isn't. Make use of it.

My IC says the red flags are a warning system. Use them. I know about looking for them. What my IC means, I think, is to recognize them when you see them and don't dismiss them.

If your hope is that you R I do hope that works out for you. Your WW really needs to step up to the plate no matter what her issues are. She needs to be open and transparent. She needs to prove that you will be safe with her. She needs to work on rebuilding trust in her by her actions. It may never get back to where it once was and she needs to be okay with that. She needs to not be defensive if she is. She needs to be proactive in the healing process and proactive with any disclosures. TT needs to end if it hasn't. And, she needs to understand that it may well be a dealbreaker.

Best wishes to you, onlyjustgetingby. Strength of mind and clarity of thought.

PS. My IC is oaky with tears. Good thing.

[This message edited by steadychevy at 1:52 PM, March 9th (Friday)]

Thescreaminside posted 3/18/2018 14:49 PM

The A was in 2010. DDay 15th Jan 2018.
The AP was my BFF.
8years of lies.
No proof after all this time I am reliant on the words of two proven liars.

steadychevy posted 3/19/2018 07:43 AM

Curious as to why the AP revealed now, Thescreaminside.

No matter what, for you the adultery didn't happen 8 years ago. It's brand new to you. It hasn't lost the extreme anguish over time. It's old news (maybe) to the 2 betrayers but not for you.

It's a double betrayal for you. The AP is someone who was very important in your life. She's someone you shared life experiences with. She was very important to your family and, you thought, as you were to her and her family.

My heart goes out to you. It seems to me, whose wife had an LTA and I found out 7 years later, that there is some kind of added trauma because of all the lies and living a life that was a lie for so long. You question everything now.

There's lots of good support on SI. Read stuff in the healing library found by clicking in the yellow box upper left side of screen. Look after yourself. I would suggest not making any life altering decisions while emotional if you can help it. Actions speak louder than words from the WS.

I'm so sorry our lives turned out this way. This is entirely on the 2 cheaters. 100%. Don't let any other narrative take root.

TiredSoul2017 posted 3/19/2018 08:34 AM

Found out 12 years later that WH cheated while I was pregnant. I always suspected he cheated but never then. We got married and a month later I got Pregnant he was so excited. to know he was out banging another woman destroyed me.

so much so that I wound up doing the unthinkable and cheated on him. I am not looking for sympathy what I did was just as horrific

Lefty posted 3/19/2018 13:18 PM

It truly is horrible to find out so many years after the affair happened. I found out 40 years after the fact, and it was also my husband and my best friend. They stopped the affair, which they both say was very brief, but she stayed in our lives. This is so hard to understand that they both thought it was okay to just start acting like friends again, like nothing had changed, as long as I did not know about it.

Reading thru this forum, and the Double Betrayal forum has saved my sanity. At first I thought that I should be able to get over it quicker because it was so long ago, if anything, the exact opposite has happened. Realizing that I was living with a man who lied to me for over 40 years, broke something in me. How can you love a person and lie to them? How can you sit between the person you were intimate with and your wife and act so normal. Why did my husband continue the friendshiip and not slowly push her out of our lives like we did with other friends that we were not comfortable with? My list of thoughts like this is endless. (SIGH)

There is a lot of great advice in these forums. Take the time to read thru them. Be patient with your healing, it is a very long journey.

My heart goes out to you.

[This message edited by Lefty at 1:20 PM, March 19th (Monday)]

CrushedLady posted 3/19/2018 23:16 PM

I found out 2 1/2 years after the A ended. My situation was a little different in that he was already involved with the OW at the time we started dating. He just lied and told me he wasn't seeing anyone else. We were exclusive (or so he led me to believe) from the beginning - we had reconnected 30+ years after our initial relationship. I don't have an exact timeline but know he continued his sexual relationship with her for somewhere between 8-12 months. She was totally aware of me but I didn't have a clue about her. We got married about a year after they stopped having any contact and I was none the wiser for the next 19 months. That's when I discovered the truth of the first year we dated and my world was destroyed. Had I known in the beginning, not only would we not be married, but I wouldn't have even dated him. I am cautiously confident that he hasn't broken his marriage vows. But I feel like I was duped. He wasn't the man of integrity I thought he was. And he continued the lying and secrecy even though he wasn't actively cheating anymore. Now I live with the constant conflict of being married to a man that I truly believe will not cheat on me again, but that caused me more pain than I've ever felt in my life. I do feel his love and I still love him but it's a different love than I had before. Tinged with sadness. No longer adoration like it was. The rose-colored glasses have broken.

somanyyears posted 3/20/2018 19:55 PM


.. ((((((((Lefty)))))))))))

your story and mine have many similarities..

I too, found out the truth 40 years later; AP was also best friend (so I thought! )

You can read my story in my profile..

Take care of yourself.. I feel your pain.

smy

grudge2010 posted 3/21/2018 16:19 PM

I found out 9 years after the affair. It hurts just as much as if it happened recently. I am trying to piece the timeline together. It would really help to have phone records from that time. Has anyone been successful in getting old phone records? My WS is willing to help me get them, but he claims that the cell phone company does not keep records that far back. Has anyone tried?

sickofsurviving posted 3/21/2018 20:16 PM

I would love to be able to get phone records. I have no idea if it could be done.

steadychevy posted 3/22/2018 07:49 AM

My WW cheated with 4 different men before we wed. She had sex with 3 of them a few times each before we dated. One was a ONS with someone whose name she doesn't know which might have been just before we were engaged. 25 years later she has an LTA with a COW for 4 years and I find out about all of them 7 years after the LTA was over.

WW insists that there isn't any connection or similarity between the latest and the long ago adulteries.

Really? Same outcome. Same belief about what I don't know won't hurt me. Same reasons for committing adultery.

[This message edited by steadychevy at 5:50 PM, March 22nd (Thursday)]

NewWorld posted 3/22/2018 20:27 PM

Been lurking around SI for a couple of years. Like "Lefty" and
"Somanyyears" I too found out 40 years later (7 yrs ago). I can
relate to "steadychevy" too, in that my wife and I were in a committed
relationship 3 yrs. before marriage. Unfortunately while I was in
Vietnam she cheated on me with 9 different men. I went to school
with one of them. They included a 3 month affair with a married man, one night stands, etc.,etc. When I got home she wanted to get married. I asked her if she'd been faithful (since a friend wrote me
that she hadn't been). She said she had and if I wasn't ready to get
married she was going to start seeing other people. I loved her and
had waited 3 years to be with her again so in my mind her seeing
someone else wasn't an option. So we married. That marriage is over now. Trying to build a new one. Sorry to ramble on. First time poster.

Lawyerman posted 3/23/2018 16:45 PM

Sorry to hear that NewWorld. It's like a huge part of your life has been taken from you isn't it? It was all a lie. All those happy memories and lurking underneath was that filth. So you constantly rewind and fast-forward and think that we had those times and all the time she was treating me with utter contempt by withholding the truth. What kind of person does that?

I think cheaters can compartmentalize it because to them, it's all about them. Everything is. You are just there for their convenience. It's how they can commit the act in the first place. So they deal with it in their own heads and think themselves very good and courageous for carrying that burden for so long. My WW would probably never cheat again but I see the truth of what she is now. Even in the break up she is desperate to control the narrative. What I say to people. Absolutely desperate. Yet she talks to far more people than me about it and they have stopped talking to me. God knows what she is saying. I don't actually care to be honest.

Good luck in your new experience. There must be more good people out there.

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