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For Those Who Found Out Years Later

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iamanidiot posted 1/9/2018 01:48 AM

OneInTheSame

Is there ever a case where you should let sleeping dogs lie?
Well, it would be great never to have found out.
But then I would never have known that my one-and-only, my spouse, mother of my children, had been such a lying cheating 'itch all those years.
But then my head would still be buried in that sand.

Since I found out I have been on that roller-coaster from hell.
But I made it through.
I can hold MY head up high. I am NOT the bad fool she made me out to be. The way I was treated made me think that I was the problem.
I am NOT the problem.

And that is GOOD to know.
So I am glad I found out. It explained away a lot of questions that went unanswered.
I feel stronger, more confident and more positive in our relationship now.
I also feel that if I wanted to divorce, I could. I never felt that before. I always thought I would just wither away and die.

iamanidiot posted 1/9/2018 01:58 AM

Lawyerman

I'm in the club too and I still don't think she gets it. She seems to think because it was 38(in my case) years ago and she has been perfect ever since, it makes it better. The fact I have suspected all that time, driven myself nuts, drank heavily to avoid the feelings and now she tells me.......I'll just get over that shall I?

We also had kids in between. I had kids with someone who was prepared to hide something from me that might destroy our relationship. We built a life together. We are tied up financially. It would be a huge mess if we split now.

Do I believe she is faithful now? Yes. Do I believe she has told me the whole truth about what happened then? Probably not.

She can't believe I don't believe her. She says she didn't tell me as she was scared I would leave her. So how do I believe now that the 'truth' I have is not something she thinks will make me stop asking but not quite bad enough to break us up? If more comes out in the future will it be 'I was scared you would leave me, you must understand that'.

- it's done and in the past. I have kids to raise and it's not their fault. I have a business to run and I'm not throwing that away because she couldn't keep her hands to herself. She's done enough damage.


Exactly. Word for word the same.

I just turned 60. There are some that divorce and start a new life from here.
You are right - It would be a HUGE mess.

But, it is my choice to make.
From here on in, if we stay together, then we play by my rules.

Strength to you Sir.

[This message edited by iamanidiot at 2:00 AM, January 9th (Tuesday)]

iamanidiot posted 1/9/2018 02:11 AM

Oldwounds : Let's be grateful for small mercies.

The little bit I did experience those years, was bad enough.
Mind movies since DDay has being the pits.
Cell phone footage, emails, sms's?

Thank goodness we didn't have that back then.

Lawyerman posted 1/9/2018 09:05 AM

60 is pretty young nowadays. Live the life you imagine. That's where I am aiming. I'm 45 and that seems like it's all gone past but has it really? At 60 you have 20 whole years until you are 80 and if you are in shape and with medical advances, that may not be as old as it is today.

I'm trying to put my finger on it at the moment. Complicated by kids and parents. But I want to be happy and I know I'm not at the moment. I deserve to be happy. I have been kind and loyal and serving all my life. I guess it's just kids and most waywards don't give a fuck about what their actions have on their own children. So that's where my focus is. Not WW.

Thisfknsux posted 1/11/2018 17:30 PM

I'm wondering if anyone can relate to my story.... My WH had a ONS 14 years ago when he got stationed to Germany and was in country a few weeks before I joined him. At the time we'd only been married 3 years and we had no children and not much intertwined financially (but some). Well, he lied by omission until his confession 2 years ago. In the meantime we've had 4 beautiful children and built our lives together but the marriage was never 'great'. Hindsight has taught is that drinking is an issue for him and there have been several situations in all those years that left me suspicious. He has piss poor boundaries and some of the situations were him being inappropriate and flirty with my friends, right in front of me. He has also been addicted to porn, especially before we had children but he seems to quite often have obsessions over celebrities. Years ago it was Britney Woears, recently its Nicki Minaj. I feel stupid and ashamed to mention that about the celebrities but its just one part to the whole picture. It is evident that most of the situations that stick out occurred while he'd been drinking. He is now sober and says he's been remorseful since the moment he had the ONS but I can't believe that because of hia continued behavior all those years.
Can anyone relate? Did your WS walk the straight and narrow after the A? Or does anyone have a WS that was like mine?
As of now my WH says he explained away the other behavior by saying to himself "at least it's not as bad as the ONS". But meanwhile I excused hia flirty and lustful behavior by saying "well, at least he's not cheating, cheating".
I get caught up often with being so mad at myself for not setting healthy boundaries and consequences all these years.


ETA: he has been horrible about his defensiveness and has done little "work" to warrant an attempt at R. After much reading and reflection I tend to think some (most) of the negative environment in our marriage was due to his shame and guilt AND his defensiveness which pushed him to try and place some of the fault on me.
Does that make sense? Can anyone relate?

[This message edited by Thisfknsux at 5:34 PM, January 11th (Thursday)]

notsureyet posted 1/23/2018 13:22 PM

This is my first post. I think I've read every post in this particular topic, many other topics on this site and the forums. We have been married 34 years, together five years before that, high school sweethearts. Each other's first...and only, I thought, until a month ago. We had started mc in November as a result of my h's brief but in my opinion intense emotional affair with a much younger woman for whom he had done work. I was full of pain and anger and disbelief. We were talking and arguing late one night last month when he disclosed that he had a p/a with a woman 32 years ago. He admitted to kissing, fondling "but that's it". Two days later on our way to a mc appt he admitted to intercourse and oral sex with her as well. I am sick to my stomach and heart crushed as I write this. We had just had our first baby. While I was recovering from a difficult child birth and dealing with an extremely colicky baby, he was having an affair, for a year. Many days I still feel like death would be preferable to the pain. I feel like I don't even know him, like our whole marriage has been a lie, like he stole my life. Why did it end? She ended it. He says he cant remember for sure if birth control was used. She had a son within a time frame that it could be his. He states he knew back then that he wasn't his so assumes they must have used birth control. He states he wants so much to remember a more specific time frame, but can't. Half of me cannot believe that. How could you not remember something so crucial? But it was over 30 years ago, and he is 59. She was married, no children when the adultery began. He remembers her telling him her husband wasn't as interested in sex as she was. He remembers her telling him she had never been as responsive sexually with anyone (besides my husband). He says they were "just friends" for months, that he realized at some point she was interested in him as more than a friend, and he asked her out to lunch... I hate him. I love him. He is a selfish bastard. He is kind and loving. I don't know who he is. I guess I never did. I don't know who the fuck he is. I don't know who the fuck I am. I'm lost. I'm...I don't know what to do. We've missed the last two weekly m/c appointments one due to weather and another due to my illness. I have no one to talk to about this. How ironic that I don't want to ruin HIS reputation by talking to anyone about this? I'm sorry for rambling. I am still just reeling from the enormity of all of this.

Oldwounds posted 1/23/2018 13:34 PM

But it was over 30 years ago, and he is 59. She was married, no children when the adultery began.

notsureyet --Sorry to see you here with us.

And for that extra special "years later" discovery -- my first bit of advice is do NOT let him downplay the pain you are feeling, simply because it happened so long ago.

All of your emotions are happening now, in real time and be sure your husband understands this. So, if you have been in counseling for similar bad choices he has made, it means he has had the need for extra validation from others for years and years. He is going to have to prove himself a safe partner if you're going to consider staying.

Don't beat yourself up, if you have been reading other posts here, you will find it Universal that we all simply saw the best in our spouse and assumed there was mutual loyalty.

However you decide your path going forward, it does eventually get better. Keep posting, keep reading and you'll find your way through.

Deejay523 posted 1/23/2018 15:10 PM

[This message edited by Deejay523 at 8:59 AM, February 8th (Thursday)]

notsureyet posted 1/27/2018 14:06 PM

Thank you, OldWounds, for the support and wisdom shared with me. Itís been almost 3 months since Dday of the recent EA, and just 6 weeks since Dday of the physical affair that happened almost 32 years ago. I am still reeling from the pain, still crying almost every day, but functioning a bit better at work some days. We are still in MC. I believe we both need IC as well, or maybe instead of MC. My husband still canít answer why, what did he tell himself to give himself permission for either affair, has no real insight. He says he never has wanted to leave me, and admits that he did not think about the consequences of his affairs. So if thatís true, why should I believe there wonít be another PA or EA given the ďrightĒ set of circumstances? While I believe him when he tells me how sorry he is for what heís done and the pain he has caused me, I donít believe he even begins to understand the depth of the pain and destruction he has caused. I still check his phone and phone records. I think about the contact he has with her through work. I hate the person Iíve become. I canít even begin to know what ď take care of yourselfĒ means. I am eating very healthy and drinking lots of water, but canít seem to do much else other than work and survive. Iím grateful for this site...so very sad for all of the pain so many others are dealing with, but thankful to know that what Iím feeling is normal for someone dealing with such trauma.

Hesaliar posted 1/28/2018 17:34 PM

4 years into our marriage my husband cheated. He didn't come home one night. I called hospitals, even jails. I packed up 2 sleeping babies at 2am and went looking for him. Never found him. He lied and denied, of course. Eventually, I got the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." I left. I packed up the kids and moved to an apartment. I told him he could take care of the house and come home to it empty. Can't remember now but a month or 2 later he came to me and asked me to come home. He was stupid. He missed us. He would make it up to me.
I really wanted our family. I loved him. I went home. We rug swept. I didn't know what that was back then. It was 1998 or 99. No big internet presence then. Too embarrassed to share with any family or friends. Short on money and really too embarrassed to talk to a counselor anyway.
I asked through the years about that time. I knew it must have been a co-worker. He worked long hours. He wouldn't talk about it. I would remain silent for days then life went back to life.
Fast forward to 2017.
I was struggling again with depression. Went to a counselor to help me work through it. After several visits, I told her about his infidelity and my lack of closure on the issue. I went home and calmly tried to talk to him again. He shut me down. I told my therapist about this on the next visit and she asked how I would feel long term with never getting answers. I told her I was uncertain. I did make a choice back when to move on with him but I felt this issue was always between us.
When I left there, I went home and tried again. He said he didn't feel it was to my benefit to rehash old stuff. I told him he was arrogant to assume he knew what was best for me since this was obviously still a problem for me after all these years.
He took a deep breath and sat down to talk. I found that what I thought I knew was wrong and he had let me believe a wrong story for many years. I told him I really had wished for a drunk to hit me the night I went looking for him.
After a good talk some days later, I actually thanked him for finally being honest. For finally talking about the elephant in the room. I was happy we were finally being open.
Well...the next week I asked if there was anything else I needed to know before trying to move past this. After a while, he came back to me and revealed that he had another 5 month affair and a one night stand about 2 years after this.
I am sooo angry and devastated. He had switched jobs and had training out of state. He was gone 20 days out of the month during and after training. He met her there. He told her he had no plans to leave his family. The one night stand was apparently so beautiful and after drinking with her in a hotel room on a work trip, he fucked her. As if that was a reasonable explanation. We moved to a bigger house during this and I became pregnant with number 3. He says this was his catalyst for finally waking up and being faithful.
He claims that he's been faithful for the last 16 years now. Not sure I totally believe him but since he fessed up to the other crap I guess it seems logical.
I took his wedding ring from him shortly after this confession. He never took it off while touching any of these other women. I told him that ring didn't mean anything and had been defiled and I didn't want it touching me ever again. I had a fit when he put it back on for a work trip and I noticed it gone. He seemed to think that as long as he didn't wear it with me that it was okay. I asked him if he's feel the same if I wrapped his ring around some other man's penis and then came home to him. I'd love to smash it with a hammer frankly!
I'm having a hard time with his work trips. He can't switch jobs. Affair partners are long gone but each time he screwed around I thought he was at work. I thought he was doing what he needed to do to take care of his family. In reality he was dating and even taking work trips with one of them.
He has lied to me for 20 years! He cringes when I say that because he thinks he didn't actively lie each day.
I don't know how to move on from this. He has finally shown the remorse and empathy I've begged for all these years but the lies are so present for me! I can't look him in the face for long and it's been 2 months. It just seems it was so easy for him to lie all this time and I didn't see it. This situation seems so different from most others on these sites. Anyone have a promising perspective a few years past this discovery?

[This message edited by Hesaliar at 7:44 PM, March 29th (Thursday)]

Oldwounds posted 1/28/2018 17:42 PM

notsureyet -

He says he never has wanted to leave me, and admits that he did not think about the consequences of his affairs.

That's just a line he uses to make himself feel more comfortable. Of COURSE he knew it was wrong WITH consequences or he wouldn't have tried to keep it all a secret.

The consequences are the lost sense of self, the pain of betrayal (of trust, mind, body and soul) and trying to figure out who it is you're living with.

Have him read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" By Linda J. MacDonald. It can be downloaded or found online for cheap - less than 100 pages and will help him BEGIN to understand the consequences he chose to avoid for years.

Oldwounds posted 1/28/2018 17:48 PM

Hesaliar -

Welcome to the club no one wants to be in.

Anyone have a promising perspective a few years past this discovery?

I can say it takes the same 2-5 years to heal from this as it does with anyone who has spouse who cheated two months ago. Same pain, same steps need to be taken to heal and same recovery time.

But we do recover.

It takes a while.

Your husband still needs to figure out why he needed the validation of women outside of his marriage -- he needs to make you feel safe and if you want to rebuild this thing and you choose to stay, some counseling (good counseling, from a counselor who holds WS accountable for their choices).

Hesaliar posted 1/29/2018 00:17 AM

Thanks, Old Wounds, I guess that's one plus to have the reveal all these years later. He seems to have been able to do some introspection on it. At that time it was sheer loneliness and feeling very disconnected from the family. Of course, it never occurred to him that I might have been feeling those same things. He
was very much being a selfish cake eater. He has doubted the good in filling me in on this old stuff. I told him it was about time he learned to be honest with me. Without coming totally clean, there would still be these secrets hanging between us. Not sure about counseling. This is old stuff and yet new. We are in a place where he's finally realizing his role in my depression and working hard to make me feel like I'm the most important person in his life. I find it comical that one of his complaints has always been that we have communication issues. Yeah...lying and secrets surely make communication difficult! One of the sweetest things he said recently was that he has never felt the intimacy we have with anyone else. I do know if this had come out years ago I would have left again. For good. He's had many years to work up goodwill with me. I'm trying hard to not feel all those memories are tainted. He tells me often that he's sorry and he loves me. I can't say it back yet. I do love him. I just can't seem to say it to him. I still feel rage for the lies and the fact that he wooed me back only to betray me again. Very sad to be here but so glad to have found others who get this.

Reegz posted 1/31/2018 10:49 AM

@iamanidiot - during the discovery process a few years ago of her EA/PA, I asked her of any other cheating that may have occurred. She 'fessed up and admitted that she had a one-night stand while we were first dating - but were supposedly committed to one another - as well as a one night stand during a trip to home to visit her mother in Arizona. That was a few years before the EA/PA I had confronted her with.

I'm still dealing with it now. I still don't completely trusts her, especially when she travels alone.

Recently, she told me she wants a divorce. This time, as much as I don't want to, I'm not fighting her on it. Fortunately, I don't have assets tied up with her, as we've suffered financially - in large part to the depression, loss of confidence and self-esteem I endured while trying to keep my family together.

I've accepted that ultiimately, I'll have to endure this temporary hardship in order for a better life for myself and my children.

Ultimately, I'm glad I found out that she did choose to step out despite the fact that it took place a number of years ago. It made me realize that she was acting out and that I had didn't have anything to do with most of her issues. She wants to runaway now and continue to not deal with her problems. What she doesn't realize that I'll may be forced to fight for her to make that journey SOLO - without our kids.

iamanidiot posted 2/3/2018 04:36 AM

Hi Reegz

I've accepted that ultiimately, I'll have to endure this temporary hardship in order for a better life for myself and my children.

Sorry that you are here. But sounds as if you have figured out your way forward.

I consider myself lucky in that by the time I found out
1. it was 30+ years after the last A
2. and we had the opportunity to build a good relationship
3. our children are now grown adults.

I just had to figure out my own way forward.
Still struggling but doing great.

Thisfknsux posted 2/4/2018 22:54 PM

It hurts so bad! I'm just heart broken tonight. I'm too tired to be mad so I'm just stuck in the black hole of despair. I just wanna break free....find a way to get away from the continued pain of a weak ass man who apparently lives for the sole purpose of hurting me. He is too weak to take responsibility for his actions and lashes out with new, fresh pain. I have finally learned my lesson....I'm emotionally ready to move on with my babies WITHOUT him but unfortunately the finances keep me stuck. The depression and anxiety makes job hunting very difficult. Every simple thing is hard and stressful. But I'm getting it done...for 2 weeks now I have been consistently putting in apps. I'm a nurse so thankfully there are many open positions out there. I pray every night that the right position will open up and I'll find it. I pray that the onboarding process will be quick and that I'll be able to get an apartment quickly. The kids and I will move out. The house is on the brink of foreclosure, in large part because of my lengthy depression. Dear Lord, please grant me the strength to be able to get a job and quickly get out of here. My soul is so tired. I need freedom from this 'man'!

steadychevy posted 2/5/2018 07:57 AM

I haven't checked into this thread for a while but caught up this morning. For those who just found out about long ago adultery - while it was so long ago for the WS it's like it was yesterday to the BS. You question your whole relationship. Memory for the WS fades and they can't (or won't) answer questions that seem vitally important to the BS.

Hesaliar, I wanted to make some comments about your situation. I was suspicious my WW was committing adultery but never got any proof, just gut feelings which my head and heart over rode. You had a little more "evidence" but denial still. Love bias.

You've carried anxiety since then. While it didn't seem to manifest itself at all times it was always there smoldering and harming you. I recently started with a new IC. I've now been diagnosed with PTSD. My counsellor has indicated the effects of the length of the trauma compound the PTSD. For many the PTSD is caused by a one incident of huge trauma and the source of the trauma ends even though the effects carry on.

In your case, as in mine, the source of the trauma is in front of you all the time. It's like sun-clinical disease that wreaks havoc when undiagnosed until too late. The effects are substantial. In some material my IC has given me to read it seems a single very traumatic event can take 12 to 20 sessions to offset. Where there is this long term, festering trauma it can take much longer. Of course all treatment times are individual dependent. One of the issues, apparently, with long term trauma is that there are so many events to work on as opposed to one large event.

Right now I'm doing talk therapy and will do CBT and EMDR. I looked for a new therapist that was Christian, was a Ph.D. ('cause I'm an education snob), and could do EMDR. The IC discusses all treatment plans with me for my approval. I think she might be working some CBT and EMDR concepts in already. I've had 8 hours of sessions so far and I think it's making a difference already.

I wrote all that to provide some background and weight to my recommendation to get IC. I strongly believe I would not heal without therapy. I've read copious amounts, done exercises and tried to do it on my own without success. Mind you the continued source of my trauma was in my house every day until we separated in September. I'm not advocating separation or D. I'm pro marriage. But I'm pro healing, too.

Not all IC are created equal. My first was good, second was crap (I think she would have done more harm than good) and this one, IMO, excellent.

I want to encourage all but especially those whose WS had LTAs and found out years later to get IC.

oldtruck posted 2/5/2018 19:12 PM

steadychevy

How does the BS believe the WS when the
WS:

Says that was twenty years ago I do not
remember that, that, whatever. I am not
lying I really do not remember.

How does the BS believe the WS is not lying
and truly forgot?

When the WS made the BS live their life based on
a lie.

steadychevy posted 2/5/2018 19:28 PM

I agree oldtruck. My marriage was based on lies. As far as not remembering, I question it. I don't doubt that some insignificant details might be difficult or impossible to remember. I do think that the major items should be remembered. I do think that if one uses a specific memory to help spur additional memories more can be remembered. I do think that a timeline can be used to help remember more and more can be added later. I know my WW can do this because there were things from before we dated that she was able to remember when she tried. She also remembers negative incidents with me in our marriage very well.

No timeline. Defeated before start. Can't do it. I've a very bad memory. I would have liked to see some effort at least. Do the timeline and see what it conjures up. But no try. It's possible they can't remember - that she doesn't have as good a memory as I do. Let me see some try. There are methods to pull memory out.

ETA: Lot's of what she remembered was 40 years ago. I think she found out it was worse than she thought. Now she can't remember stuff from 10 to 14 years ago.

[This message edited by steadychevy at 7:31 PM, February 5th (Monday)]

Hesaliar posted 2/7/2018 15:01 PM

I really don't feel like doing IC. I've been at different times to deal with my depression. ALONE! I feel like I've done all the work over the years while he lied and lied some more. I actually converted to his religion while the 2nd group of affairs was happening. He seems to think that since he doesn't remember his mind set and has changed since then that he doesn't need to go. I think that makes him a ticking time bomb. He thinks 16 alleged years of faithfulness prove he learned something. I just see the lies. I doubt every memory and every motive. We saw my therapist when he finally gave me "the rest of the story." She thought I might eventually see his positives from these most recent years. 3 months since Dday and I'm still triggering hard and feeling pissed most days. Valentine's Day commercials are making me want to shoot my TV!

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