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For Those Who Found Out Years Later

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Nvrgsawy posted 8/19/2017 08:26 AM

steadychevy, I hear ya. The should've could've is killer. That whole time machine puts you right back there.

Grievous posted 8/20/2017 18:30 PM

I didn't trust my gut. I allowed my heart and head over rule my gut.

What plagues me is all the signs I should have read and rug swept. The things I should have done and didn't.

Steadychevy, one of the counselors I saw pointed out that compassion and trust are positive attributes, which unfortunately, make us more vulnerable to believing the lies that allow the cheater to keep on doing what they're doing. While you kind of want to kick yourself in the can, would you really want to give up being a compassionate and trusting person in all of your relationships?

WhyyyyMeAgain posted 8/22/2017 18:03 PM

Some days I'm glad I found out later because I have enjoyed great years with my husband and kids, but most days I feel like our life was a lie because he kept this secret 8 years. I feel so confused. Does anyone ever just try to act like you never found out and try to live a normal life? This is new dday was 33 days ago. I pray that MC will guide us in the direction of R but this is really too much at times.....

SBCA posted 8/29/2017 21:25 PM

Yea, I was informed 18 months after the deed.
I'll tell you one thing.
The ability to perpetuate the lie an cover up with her accomplices only proves an amount of crazy or hate.
With out boring you with my issues, yes I have issues with her.

steadychevy posted 8/30/2017 09:53 AM

Yes, Grievous, I prefer to be a compassionate and trusting person. My "second chance" or "benefit of the doubt" part of trust is somewhat frayed now.

WhyyyMeAgain, my WW was going to take it to her grave. Did that. It's over. Don't look back. We were in our 25th year of marriage when she decided to get a FWB NSA COW worker that she travelled extensively with and who lived alone 5 minutes from work in addition to her husband. After one of the DDays she said we had so many good times and memories (considerable in the LTA, too) that I shouldn't throw away. I replied that I was to take that into consideration to help rebuild us while she didn't take any of it into consideration when fucking her COW all over the province and at his place frequently. If it was so important why didn't it enter her decision making process. She didn't know. She just thought life should go on.

I guess I was to remember the good times and forget the bad. Her methodology, though, is to diminish the good times and make mountains out of bad times mole hills. Justification.

[This message edited by steadychevy at 9:55 AM, August 30th (Wednesday)]

Impacted posted 9/2/2017 18:05 PM

whyymeagain how did you find out?
The affair I know about is 15 years ago about but I do wonder if there was another one. I just can't get it out of my head and honestly although he gaslighted me I knew this one too but decided to trust him instead of myself. Having a hard time not trusting my own gut now.
I too have had what I thought were wonderful years but then I think he was able to lie to me day in and out all those yrs without a second thought. Is he really the man I thought he is?

Still difficult after almost 10 months post dday

steadychevy posted 9/3/2017 09:39 AM

Impacted, I had WW book a polygraph for exactly the same reason you're wondering about. The DDays revealed that she had cheated on me with 4 different men before we wed. She cheated again after 25 years of marriage for 4 years. Was there anything more?

I know there's disagreement about the effectiveness of polygraphs but it is just a tool in a tool box. I found it useful in that she passed the polygraph with flying colours which was mostly about any other cheating. It didn't totally give me ease but greatly reduced the mind movies of wondering.

Impacted posted 9/3/2017 20:01 PM

Steadychevy, I really think for my peace of mind I should just get that done. I just hope I can trust the result.

Northenlight posted 9/10/2017 07:57 AM

Few days a go I posted in "Reconciliation", but I guess I belong here as well.. In june I caught my supposed to be husband having a long term affair with started september last year. After a while he confessed having multiple affairs since 2010. We`ve been together since 2007. Things are easier for him because like he says; This is not a shock for him. He knows what heīs been up to all of these years. But for me.. Man! I donīt even know where to begin. Itīs only been 2,5 months since I found out, so I know I have a long way to go. But This kills me.. And like a lot of you I feel our entire relationship has been a lie. We also have a 4 year old son, so I have to manage the days so that he donīt get affected too much form this.. How do you even cope knowing that all of this is happening when you your self has been clueless all these years?!

Impacted posted 9/10/2017 17:38 PM

Hi northerngirl,

I think things are easier for them because they also have not been betrayed! It is much easier for them as they have known about their choice and been able to sort all that out. They got to make the call on how this proceeded. We were left in the dark not even knowing about the betrayal and given the chance and because they lied for so long we have to question everything about our marriage.

He admitted to multiple affairs?

Northenlight posted 9/11/2017 00:24 AM

Yes, I caught him having the last affair. And after a few days of me asking, he finally admitted having multiple affairs... It's surreal..

[This message edited by Northenlight at 12:24 AM, September 11th (Monday)]

Nvrgsawy posted 9/12/2017 09:30 AM

Northenlight, this whole FPWFOYL thing is surreal. To think of all the years we lived with our WSs in complete trust and to have it all blown up in a matter of seconds is paralyzing. Stay strong.

joeboo posted 9/18/2017 15:48 PM

I havenít posted in a long while, but hoping to find some insight from others.

In the years since d-day, thanks to SI, I think I have come to terms with infidelity and what it did to my life and what I needed to do to recover. However, there are a couple of things that I struggle with frequently and one of those has everything to do with finding out years later. I find myself wanted to go way back in time to take off the dunce cap I was wearing for 20+ years.

I canít say R has been terrible. Fww and I are in more of an arrangement than a M. Itís comfortable and cordial and because she is so good at living in fantasyland, she can pretend the M is wonderful and I donít fool myself into thinking itís something that it is not.

So my question is how do you let go of the past? Not the shit of the Aís, but the feeling of such a wasted life? It doesnít matter how fww & I reconcile, I feel like I will always long for a life I can never have. A better life without the cuckold dunce cap I didnít even know I was wearing so many years ago. It just seems like to D now wouldnít fix what a D 20 years ago would have and I am feeling sorry for myself for my bad decision to get myself into this mess and now itís too late to do anything about it. Itís like there doesnít seem to be much value in leaving now, but I want my 20 year old self to move on.

Can you relate, or is that just too stupid? Iím just not sure what to do with these thoughts and have no idea how to get it out of my head.

Oldwounds posted 9/18/2017 17:06 PM

Can you relate, or is that just too stupid?

Nothing stupid about the fallout from infidelity.

And it kind of goes together with me - I can't separate out the 'lost' time versus the infidelity and trying to get through the whole package deal.

The thing is, you weren't a dunce then. You weren't dumb then. All you did was love your wife and see the best in her. That's part of the deal when anyone marries -- you accept your partner and look beyond the flaws. It is part of why that double edge of infidelity cuts so f'n deep.

All you did wrong was love your wife.

All you did was go about the care and work of a husband. None of us signed up to be a detective to look for clues of wrong doing, none of us signed to babysit our spouses.

You did your best with the information you had.

In my case, the one thing we did well was raise our sons as a good team. I wasn't perfect, but I was a good loving husband. So, I don't see a lifetime lost. I wish the marriage was more authentic, yet, I had NO choice in that. Again, all I did was love my wife and family. That's not a bad thing.

Your 20-year old self did great - loved, honored, upheld his vows and is a good person. Again: Be kind to him, he did his very best with the truth he had to work with and what he understood life to be.

Oftencheatedon posted 9/18/2017 17:34 PM

My situation is different (famous last words).

I left my ex for many,many reasons including infidelity. But a decade later he told me that he'd had an affair with my roommate (college) that I did not know about. I knew we were having huge problems, but I never had a clue to that affair.

I was surprised that I was still hurt and surprised to discover this. He and I were so OVER and had been for years. I had no use for him at all in my life - yet I hated finding out that I had been duped.

I was hurt, yet it reaffirmed that my decision to dump him from my life was the right one.

Jman posted 9/18/2017 18:47 PM

Joe boo,

It's never to late to right a wrong. If you are unhappy move on. There are people that divorce in their 60's and 70's. What could be worse than waiting another 10 years before realizing your mistake. Too many people settle for misery when there is a whole other life out there if they would just take the leap. YOU ONLY GO AROUND THIS LIFE ONCE !

joeboo posted 9/18/2017 21:01 PM

Your 20-year old self did great - loved, honored, upheld his vows and is a good person. Again: Be kind to him
That is a very cool statement to make. I havenít been very kind to him lately but those words put it in a very different perspective for me. Thanks for that.
More than being upset with what I did, is being upset with what I missed (without her, or with someone who would have treated me like I treated her).

- yet I hated finding out that I had been duped.
Yes. Being duped out of 20 years of life is mind boggling. I think it is beyond mean and getting close to evil to do that to someone.

Too many people settle for misery when there is a whole other life out there if they would just take the leap.
I settled. I mean no insult to my fww, she tries to get along, but she isnít sorry for what she did, only that it hurt me. She doesnít say that to me, but sparing you of the details, I know differently.

I donít take the leap because of what it would do to our adult children to see her fall flat on her face. She has never supported herself ever in her life. So, I would hate to see what kind of trash she would bring around and the mooching she would bring on them. She refuses to exercise any financial responsibility and I know my kids would try to pick her up when she fell just because they are that good of people. I certainly have my own fears about D, but I think I can deal with that ok.

sparky762 posted 9/18/2017 23:35 PM

Found out 10 years into our marriage, 7 years after the fact. That said I don't believe anything about those first 10 years now. There are no positive aspects in my eyes. The whole thing is a terrible conundrum. The what if's are relentless and never ending. 27 years past DDay and not one night passes that I don't lie my head down and ponder them. In my case I can't even wish that I had found out the night they first had sex. Reason is that is also the night she came home and we conceieved our first child.

How did my life become a Jerry Springer episode?

iamanidiot posted 9/19/2017 03:19 AM

joeboo

So my question is how do you let go of the past? ..... the feeling of such a wasted life? .....I feel like I will always long for a life I can never have.
I am at this same place, angry about so much time spent on a wasted life.
I am probably the wrong person to give advice here. I still hurt too much since finding out about her A's.

While my spouse sees I hurt by her past, she's not THERE to help me. She moves on, trying to accept the bad decisions she made without giving too many secrets away.
Long before DDay my spouse gave me a photo collage with pictures from the day we met, ie. engagement party, wedding & other important dates together. Some see it as affirmation of US. I see it as a constant reminder of the lies and the cheating as in 'look, when this photo was taken, and this one, and this one, etc, you were committing adultery with X or Y AP'.

I too, grieve for my past, those lost opportunities, the lost life I should have had.
I know that I am strong enough to accept that it happened and start over.

I donít take the leap because of what it would do to our adult children
Exactly. I have 3 sons, struggling with their own lives, each with his own girlfriend.
But that does not always have to mean D.
To me that means spending more quality time on things that I enjoy, things that define me. Like time with my boys, more time on myself, pursueing interests I never had before, or even having a hobby, doing projects that I enjoy.
I was very young back then. I played the 'pick me' game. I spent so much time & money, doing whatever I thought was right for us, for HER.

Now it is MY time to rise above her A's.
MY time to find ways to enjoy MY remaining years.
With or without her. I still love this person, just differently.

Hope that helps a bit.

joeboo posted 9/19/2017 20:45 PM

I see it as a constant reminder of the lies and the cheating as in 'look, when this photo was taken, and this one, and this one, etc, you were committing adultery with X or Y AP'.
Wow. Just wow. I do the same thing when I see photos of her from the past. Not just sometimes, but every time. Photos that have her in it are a huge source of pain so I try not to look at them. None of them bring good memories. However, I tried to think of anytime I see a photo of my kids without her in it and I can honestly say that I donít think about any of her Aís. So that awesome!

I was very young back then. I played the 'pick me' game. I spent so much time & money, doing whatever I thought was right for us, for HER.
Now it is MY time to rise above her A's.
MY time to find ways to enjoy MY remaining years.
With or without her. I still love this person, just differently.
Hope that helps a bit.
It does help. Thank you for sharing. I can always tell when she gets to thinking like I am so lucky she made the sacrifice to marry me. I guess that is the source of some of my struggles lately. I have done a lot of little things for myself and I know she does not like that. She even gets jealous when I do nice things for the kids. Not big or expensive things, just the things that cause them to thank me rather than ďusĒ. I just need to remind myself a little more often that is OK to enjoy my life too. Öwith or without her.

Thanks for all the replies. Itís nice to know that even after all these years there is still a safe place for me to go for support. I guess I need to learn to follow my late fatherís advice and never look back.


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