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For Those Who Found Out Years Later

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iamanidiot posted 1/31/2017 03:37 AM

Hi badenov

SI has helped me. Opening up and telling my story here has been a way for me to move on. Reading other people's stories has helped me understand what happened and how.

My shit happened more 30 years ago. There is really not much I can do about it, the past, the 4xOM, the affairs, the cheating. It happened. I didn't know. I was too stupid (in love) to understand the signs. So now I hurt and I am angry.

I am satisfied that I know most of it. But I will not be getting the full story any time soon. Time has blunted the facts and both our memories.

I also get a lot of 'I don't remember' s. The worst is when certain memories or events don't make sense and there is no conclusive or satisfactory explanation.

You seem to have uncovered some evidence. I had none. Just what she told me. That's all I have.

Please keep on writing - there are many here that will read your story.

badenov posted 2/1/2017 06:42 AM

Thanks iamanidiot. I appreciate your encouraging words. Looking back on your story there are many parallels to mine.

I'm trying to readjust back to the trusting person I used to be. I'm still quite cautious and skeptical around people now. I don't like being that way but that's one of the byproducts of living with infidelity. I'll get better.

We're not idiots, just people who have a moral compass that we follow. We are, nevertheless, easy targets for shitty people. Thanks again.

Sillyshiloh posted 2/5/2017 00:01 AM

I'm trying to readjust back to the trusting person I used to be. I'm still quite cautious and skeptical around people now. I don't like being that way but that's one of the byproducts of living with infidelity. I'll get better.

That's all we can do is try. Unfortunately, I don't think we'll be the same as we were prior to the affair however with work, let's hope that we can become a better version of prior selves. IMO Being cautious isn't necessarily a bad thing. It helps us to slowly learn how to trust again.

iamanidiot posted 2/6/2017 02:00 AM

badenov

We're not idiots, just people who have a moral compass that we follow. We are, nevertheless, easy targets for shitty people.
Too right, this should be your tagline!!

Sillyshiloh

Being cautious isn't necessarily a bad thing. It helps us to slowly learn how to trust again.
I like that

You can be proud of who YOU are.
YOU did not turn your back on our spouse, your family.
You did not cause this hell that you are living.
YOU did not cheat.
The affairs, the cheating, the deliberate lying to our faces, these things have hurt us badly and destroyed our innocent sense of what life is and should be.
Only our ideas of reality, of 'what is normal' has changed.

We have not changed. Nothing we did caused this. But we were madly in love and therefor very gullible. We believed the lies. From our loved ones. Why should we have doubted them?

We are trying to understand, accept and move on from affairs that happened years ago. Affairs that our spouses 'moved on' from years ago.
That is our struggle. Closing the door long after the horse has bolted.
Reading and posting on SI has helped me. To understand the why's and to accept.
I'm still struggling.

((((Hugs)))) to you both.

worldisupsidedow posted 2/8/2017 08:43 AM

So much to read on SI and so much heartbreak, anger, and pain. Ugh, so much pain. I sincerely hate that any of us are here. However, I am so thankful to those that have gone before that are sharing and offering sympathy and guidance.

Another thread ICR. My wh cheated with 1-5 different women, online EA, porn/masterbating, e-harmony account, and cyber sex all while we dated. We had a long distance relationship for about five months. After I returned, about six months later I discovered that he had been having phone sex, went on one date from eharmony, emailing his ex girlfriend (basically trying to win her back), emails to multiple other girls, and lots of cyber sex. We worked through this, so I thought.

We end up married and now have four young kids. We've been together 15 years, married for 11 (nearly 12) years. My dday was August 8, 2016: nearly 12/13 years after the fact. Wh had been checking out of our relationship in early 2016, and I told a "white lie" to get him to tell me what was going on. That's when everything came out. Trickle truth came out everyday for two weeks. All of the boundaries we set during our reconciliation while dating he continued to break several: NC with ex girlfriend, no chatting, no porn, and NC with email buddies. The NC was finally established around the time we married from what I can tell, but the chatting, cyber sex, and porn continued into our marriage. Again as far as I can tell his off and on again porn use went through June of last year. I feel like my marriage has been nothing but a lie. Almost half of my life married and living a lie! Everything he did he did in secret. He is a tech guy so he covered his tracks well.

Pros to finding out later: at least I finally know.
Cons: There are so many! Like one poster said (forgive me for not remembering who said this...around pages 7, 8, or 9), it's the "pinnacle of disrespect". That poster nailed it! Wh allowed us to false reconcile while dating, allowed us to marry, allowed us to build a family...all the while he knew physical cheating would be a deal breaker. Hence the reason he hid the full truth from me. I have 15 years worth of crap to sort through and wrap my mind around. He used manipulation, blame, and lies to keep his secrets at my expense. There are so many things that make sense now, and unfortunately there are so many triggers.
Also, there are so many unanswered questions! The man I thought I married is dead to me, and I have no idea who this guy is.

I can relate most to Paperclip's story. I know it's a post from several years back, but our stories are similar: 5 OW and before we married.

joeboo posted 2/19/2017 16:58 PM

We are, nevertheless, easy targets for shitty people.
Is it bad that this made me laugh? I lived that way for too long. It's good to know it and helps to remove the bulls-eye.

joeboo posted 2/19/2017 17:04 PM

Cons: There are so many! Like one poster said (forgive me for not remembering who said this...around pages 7, 8, or 9), it's the "pinnacle of disrespect". That poster nailed it! Wh allowed us to false reconcile while dating, allowed us to marry, allowed us to build a family...all the while he knew physical cheating would be a deal breaker. Hence the reason he hid the full truth from me. I have 15 years worth of crap to sort through and wrap my mind around. He used manipulation, blame, and lies to keep his secrets at my expense. There are so many things that make sense now, and unfortunately there are so many triggers.
Also, there are so many unanswered questions!
I finally had to let go of it. Our M was a sham, plain and simple. I went into R thinking I could recover that, but it never worked. We are in R, but only with someone with whom I am currently compatible with, because whatever was sure wasn't worth salvaging. My biggest beef is that I felt like she robbed me of the best years of my life. I had no idea, and I can't go back. The damage is completely irreparable.

worldisupsidedow posted 3/6/2017 08:30 AM

Joe boo I know that feeling of wasted time. I'm a few years shy of having been with my WH for half of my life. Isn't that a kicker?! There is so much for me to work through and make sense of that I'm still trying to figure out if things are completely irreparable. Crisis, shock, grief, repeat cycle with each new revelation on how his SA issues will shape my life going forward.

cryinginsilence posted 3/11/2017 17:11 PM

I don't know how any one else feels about this but I am sometimes glad that I didn't find out until now. Othertimes, I wished I would have known especially before we moved away from my family. I was young enough to start over by myself(and kids,of course)And my kids would have been raised closer to my Mom and sisters. We missed SO many years together and we were very close!
Then I think of how I would have felt raising my young kids alone and having the mood swings and depression I now have due to his A's. I was SO happy raising my kids when they were young( and I say my kids because I did all of the school work, meetings, running to plays, ball games, boyscouts, field trips ect ALONE. FWS is very sad about the things he missed out on because of his isolation, guilt or just plain sickness).
Well,I can't rewrite history so I guess this was my time to find out. I am glad for my time raising my kids. I had a blast!I was really happy. It was a happy time and when I look at pictures now I sometimes feel sad if I think about what FWS was doing but in reality I was Very happy! I try to remember truely how I felt. I will not allow my memories to be tainted!

Sorry rollercoaster80 but this sounds like rugsweeping to me. You are rugsweeping and preferring that you lived your past in a naive bliss instead of becoming enlightened to your reality. I don't know how bad it would have been for you to find out about the affairs back then and become a divorced parent, if you were already doing "everything" back then anyway. It sounds like you already essentially WERE a single parent of sorts, figuratively at least!! Question: Is the reason for your WH's absence during your childrearing years because he was busy off shagging his OW? Also, after he had multiple affairs over the years (as you tell it), and never even gave you the courtesy to know you were being played like that at the time (thus robbing you of your chance to move closer to your family or find a new start while you were still young), why are you still with him?? I think finding out about past affairs years later is even more of a slap in the face than discovering ones that occurred only recently.

Onthejourney posted 3/13/2017 05:41 AM

Not sure if my experience fits the topic but some of these posts resonate with me. Thanks for sharing.

My DDay was Aug 16 but it was a double DDay. My WH had two A with the same AP but 5 years apart. I found out about both at the same time.

My WH had a 4 month EA/PA with the AP which ended 3 weeks before my DDay. The AP sent me the emails of the A which spoke about previous email contact. In the emails neither of them could recall when exactly, other than my WH had broken it off and it was roughly 4 years ago.

My immediate reaction was to deal with the 2nd A and understand the details and the timeline. This was months of pain and with some TT. We explored the why's and my WH is still in IC to address his depression, grief of his fathers passing and FOO issues. We are in MC addressing our M issues.

Once I was satisfied I had the details my intentions turned to the 1st EA and this tormented me as my WH couldn't remember that time clearly (he has a terrible memory - no excuse just the truth). I spent months questioning him, trying to understand when and for how long, details of their conversations etc. With his help we finally found a message from the AP on his old FB which at least gave me a timeframe.

I just find the 1st EA incredibly painful as it was 5 years ago and I'm struggling to remember that time clearly myself. I don't remember what was going on at that time in our relationship other than we were 'in love' and planning our wedding. The 2nd A was extremely painful but I can 'reconcile' some of it because I have details, I know what was going on in our lives and our M.

Sorry for the long rambling but I guess I'm just finding the A I found out about years later so much harder to deal with. It's so much harder to address and work on when it's not in the present. Our MC doesn't seem to focus on this other than to say that she understands 'this makes me question our entire relationship'.

sickofsurviving posted 3/13/2017 07:50 AM

Finding out years later is its own type of hell. The first several months, I sat with photos, my tablet, cards...trying to figure out my life. How I missed it.

My WH has "a bad memory", too. Now, I think it was more compartmentalization, and not being able to keep lies straight. Crazy TT didn't help.

Now, I think I have the time line. Who really knows, other than them? It's been almost 10 years since his A. The old pones are long gone. He always deleted everything. And, of course, I get the I don't remember. And because of who his AP is, I wouldn't want to remember either.

Finding out years later, has really screwed me up. I know I would have left in a heartbeat back then. Now, I'm on disability. That kept me here initially. Today, I'm glad I stayed. But, I'm sure the Rollercoaster will dip again.


Onthejourney posted 3/13/2017 08:21 AM

Thanks for replying sickof, I totally get the reading old cards and looking at photos trying to figure your life out. I did this too, read FB posts, trying to trigger some memory.

For me the unknowing is what kills me and the fact that if I found out then, who knows where I would be now. Maybe I would be where I am now but kicking myself for not taking an EA more seriously. Who knows.

Thanks for sharing your feelings and thoughts with me. I'm glad you are in a better place now and R is working out.

Stayorgo1 posted 3/20/2017 16:59 PM

Today what is driving me crazy is that I have a hard time accepting that my husbands cheating took place over just this one year period in 2012 and then he regretted his actions (which so far are: a PA with a customer where he met at her place 2x, had sex once, and texted in between), joined Ashmad and got OS only one time in a park, and drafted but never sent (hmmm not sure I believe that one either) a craigslist casual encounters meetup email. And then he was suddenly awakened by the guilt of it all and became appreciative of all that being married to me and being a dad meant. Oh yea - there was that one time when we had been living together for a few years and he "just kissed" his cute blonde 10 years younger COW. But we weren't going to be getting married for a few months yet and heck, it was just a drunk kiss. So, I'm foolish if I haven't already gotten over that.
He has had forever to cover things up. I am also a terrible snooper and just don't do it now that we're talking divorce. But I feel like I will always know I'm being lied to still - I'm just not buying that it all took place during that short period and that he hasn't been getting some on the side via whatever hookup site he switched to after Ashmad. And I strongly have suspected for a number of years now an EA with a neighbor who has since moved away which he denies till he is blue in the face and will die before he lets me find out I was right about it.

The lack of evidence over the years and the fact that I just don't believe it all ended so abruptly is frustrating.
And the fact that he thinks I need to just "come to my senses" and get past it because it is such old news is making me so friggin angry.

iamanidiot posted 3/23/2017 04:05 AM

sickofsurviving
Onthejourney
Stayorgo1
and FTWFOYL

Finding out years later is its own type of hell. The first several months, I sat with photos, my tablet, cards...trying to figure out my life.
The lack of evidence over the years ..... is frustrating.
I know what you mean, exactly. I have been there. Done that.

Some are lucky (if you are ever lucky to find out about your spouse's affair??) and find out NOW, in the present tense. And then the feelings of anger, disgust and despair are accepted as normal by all, friends & foe alike.
There is evidence, emails maybe, people around you may know, there is even support.

But we (TWFOYL) don't have any of that.
We pour over old photos, hoping to find evidence or bring back the past with memories of those days long forgotten.
But actually all we have are our distorted memories and our feelings of those days.
And all those doubts that have become cobwebs stuck in the corners of our minds - haunting us.

There is so little chance of a successful R because by now you are so entrenched in the marriage, you kind of HAVE TO accept the A's that happened and move on. !!!

What are your choices after you find out?
How do you get rid of your anger?
How do you accept your spouse (emotionally) back?

Good luck to you all.

sickofsurviving posted 3/23/2017 08:10 AM

And down the hill I go. It has been a really horrible few days. I have spent several of them sobbing on the floor. Again.

My WH just isn't helping at all. There is no getting an honest answer from him. If I call him on his B.S. all he does is scream at me. As usual.

I just can't sweep this under the rug, and he just can't be the man I need him to be. So now, I'm just not speaking to him. I just cant. I can't take any more of his verbal and emotional abuse.

I'm stuck here. During the years he stole from me, my health tanked. I've been on disability for about 5 years. I couldn't get a job if I was able. My family are 200 miles away. In a couple of months, we move back home. I'm hoping to finally find a good IC. And a way to find some peace, before this literally kills me.

Impacted posted 3/25/2017 23:15 PM

I wish I could not relate to all of you.
iamanidiot I so got where you are coming from.

I cant stand that he has taken 15 years from me and cant give me the info I ask because he choose to put it aside. I think to myself, if I had ever done this, and hid something like this, there is no way I would forget things.

And even more I hate the fact I question his love and commitment for all our years. How much does he actually respect me when for all those years day in and out they could lie straightface to us. Getting over a recent 1 time affair is one thing but this feels like 15 years of lies and how many other lies are there?

IN every other respect he is trying hard. Just not trying hard to tell me what happened. sigh.

not having a good night.

iamanidiot posted 3/27/2017 06:20 AM

Impacted
You said it all!!

I think to myself, if I had ever done this, and hid something like this, there is no way I would forget things.
I had to work out my own time line of events because WS'es memory could not remember certain facts (yes - like a drug addict does not remember what he did during his "high" so the WS does not remember a lot during the "high" of the Fog) - and NO I don't feel any better knowing that bit of information - the pain is still there.
love commitment respect ?? & lie straightface to our face.....
Uggh
WS thinks she is trying. Gets very emotional and sad and says things like 'how could I have done those things?'
I don't give two hoots about that. That is not remorse. That is feeling sorry for yourself.
We can't change the past. Water under the bridge etc..
I need her to think about what she did, how it affected me at that time. That SHE caused me to suffer, and exactly what she put me through those days. In your own words
I had suspected and questioned him over and over and he swore over and over he only loved me and I was his one and only and would never hurt me that way.
I also asked, pleaded, begged. I was fed shit & lied to, while she partied.

If my WS can get to the point of knowing, understanding the damage that she did and wanting to make amends, if my WS can feel the pain I went through, then (to my mind) that is remorse.
Then WE can move on.

Right now I have focused on ME, building up my inner strength.
Please keep posting. It does get better. Hugs to you((((Impacted))))

PS: It makes me sick to remember/admit this, but I also checked the undies...


iamanidiot posted 3/27/2017 06:39 AM

I decided to re-read some of my last posts.
Looking back I figured out I am still too angry and hurt - and just plain pissed off.

I feel the Pain in all my posts. It feels to me that the anger stands out.

2 Years out from DDay of infidelities that happened 30 plus years ago ....
I don't get it.
I could never do that, what my WS did.
I could not do it to US,
to her,
to our little family.
And then to lie about it, keep the dark secret for 30 years?

I have accepted what she did, that she did it, etc...

But I just don't get it!!

Oldwounds posted 3/28/2017 09:01 AM

I was trying to find some silver linings to the whole thing -- and well there are not many. And nothing makes it any 'better' but there are some things to finding out later that I'm glad I didn't have to deal with.

1. The Fog - My wife got over the fantasy of it all on her own and she realized it was nothing like what she thought it was. I feel bad for the folks dealing with this aspect in real time where there spouses aren't sure who to be with.

2. NC - After looking over the phone records, I have over nine years of no contact with the AP. I don't have to deal with the person still being in and around our lives at all.

3. No digital photos or test message libraries - It was long enough ago, the AP isn't walking around with naked photos of my wife. It doesn't sound like much of a consolation, but I'm glad it happened before all this technology around to keep data forever.

Anyway, it ain't much.

The downside of having to reassemble our entire life timeline doesn't make any of it worth it. But I'll take a tiny bit of upside where I can find it.

iamanidiot posted 3/29/2017 03:00 AM

Silver Lining for those who found out years later? Interesting.

Thanks Oldwounds. I have been feeling a bit flat of late, heading downhill slowly.

Your post is encouraging. It inspires me to pick up my flatness & go look for my own silver lining.

On the negative, I have lost that innocence of a first time love / relationship.
I experienced the dreaded fog. One memory is of the iceberg in the bed next to me that was my wife, but I lived through it. (Maybe I was just too dumb and thick-skinned?).
Another was the fights we had, the tears, my asking 'what is wrong with us?' her staring blankly ahead, not giving an inch, but mentally being in that space with the other dude.

No images on phones those days but we had a few of our own honeymoon polaroids that we cut up after the first born arrived.

Silver Lining :
1. We had a bumpy 30 years after the A's, but it was good & that cemented our relationship. Our children and their friends use us as a benchmark.
2. I have had her support 100%, raising our children and also with starting my own business 14 years ago.
3. Happened so long ago the children never knew, and will never know.
4. We grew up with our children, sharing with them and learning together.
5. Approaching 60 we have a togetherness that has weathered this cyclone of finding out. A lot of marriages will not survive knowing 1% of what she did!!! Had I known then, maybe we would not have survived either.
6. The biggest silver lining for me has been internet and SI. So much learning, so much support, so many similar experiences. So much gentle but straight 'how it is' advice. I am able to go forward today.
7. Learning what rug-sweeping means and trying to confront constructively.
8. It could have gone so wrong, and been sooo different. My FWS had 30 years, a chance to make my life good, to make amends. She did.
9. My FWS got rid of everything associated with those days. Last year even replacing the engagement & wedding rings - when I commented about the only thing she was wearing during.......
10. I once asked 'can I live out the last years of my life with this person that did these things?' I now know I can.

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