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For Those Who Found Out Years Later

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coolbeans posted 10/21/2015 11:21 AM

Thank you iamanidiot for your insight and response. I realize there could be more to the infidelity than has been said. I've been married to this man for 46 years and may be very naive in some regards. I will keep trying and when I feel during discussions there is more, I will certainly push. I can't really say what will happen if I find out there was even more to it. I would never have imagined he was capable of hurting me like this. He's always been someone I thought I could trust with my life.

I am at least beginning to feel now like I am taking two steps forward and one step back every time the triggers hit. That's better than one forward and two back though.

I will remember you and all others suffering with this. It is the worst kind of hurt and pain I have ever suffered. I certainly have a new respect for people with PTSD.

Thank you again!

winter2131 posted 10/28/2015 15:24 PM

Trying2LoveAgain thank you so much for your compassion and understanding. I posted my story on July 24, 2015 my 50th wedding anniversary that I spent alone. I do see some very small evidence of remorse from my H but just not enough. The pain is still incredible. We're going to counseling but there again not much progress. My anger is more intense and there is no peace. It's like the pain and anger will never end. I'm lost as to which way to turn as it would tear my family apart. I'm lost.

Hari posted 10/28/2015 15:40 PM

[This message edited by Hari at 2:19 PM, October 29th (Thursday)]

Trying2LoveAgain posted 10/28/2015 15:45 PM

Winter...You are welcome! Only those who've had this happen to them, truly understand!

The anger & hurt are the worst for me as well, & it scares me that I'm never going to move past these! I really wonder sometimes if I want to! I'm afraid it would feel like him getting everything he wanted! He had an A but still has me & his family! What did HE really lose?!! I think nothing compared to what I did!

He continues to be remourseful, etc.etc. but I still wonder some days if I can handle this the rest of my life! I, like you, know it would tear some of my family apart! It's already caused so many problems!

Continuing to keep you in my thoughts and prayers!

iamanidiot posted 10/29/2015 10:19 AM

Winter - Glad to see you back here again.

The pain of infidelity is awefull. At that time, my WS was living the dual life. Enjoying every minute.

Now, so many years later- remembering is just as bad for my WS too. Somethings she cannot talk to me about. Just too embaressed after all these years. But we know what they all did etc etc...

My point is some questions don't need to be asked. I think I got more positive responses this way, by coaxing, than by by outright questions.

We made a time every other day to sit and ask a few questions. And then we left it alone over weekends to give ourselves a break.

My WS has tried over the years, to put it all out of her mind. So it is difficult for me to find out stuff. She cannot remember some things - she has forced herself to move on. So some questions will never be answered.

I have figured out the timeline - to my WS it was all just a blur.... To me it was a very sad lonely time that I could never understand until now.

The 30 years after the A's have been good and I have nothing to be upset about from them. She has been the perfect partner, mother, etc.

Your WH probably feels the same. Maybe he feels that he has put it behind him. It may be that you will need to make him feel in a good safe space with you before he will open up to you.

Good luck to you and please stay on this site.

LadySportsFan posted 12/25/2015 20:02 PM

A little over 20 years ago, I had suspicions but my H convinced me that I was just letting my jealousy run away with me. And I was very jealous of him so I chose to believe him. Fast forward to 12/13/15. We were experiencing problems in our 27 year marriage for reasons other than infidelity. These problems I believe are fixable but he didn't seem to have much motivation in fixing them. Talking together has never been our strong suit so I wrote him a very long heartfelt letter and left him alone for a long weekend. When I returned home on 12/13/15, I found him in tears, begging me to stay and telling me he would work on our marriage with me and do whatever I needed him to so that we could just stay together. He told me that he just couldn't imagine a life without being married to me. All of which I was ecstatic to hear. Then came the shock. He said that to prove to me his commitment to making things work and how seriously he was taking this new beginning, he wanted to "come clean" about the past. That's when he said that he had had an affair years ago. He said that it had happened over 20 years ago and that nothing had happened again like that since during those 20 years. He said that he realized what a mistake it was and that he would never do anything like that to hurt me again. He cried as he told me how very sorry he was for hurting me over and over again. I have definitely been riding that rollercoaster. One day I feel for sure that he and I will be able to come through this together and the next I am just sure that there is no way we will be able to continue to live together. With the holidays and family visiting and all the chaos of the last couple of weeks, I haven't been able to even ask him any of the questions rolling through my mind. He did tell me that she was someone I did not know. However, he also told me that she did not know about me and I know this is a lie. Years ago, a woman sent him a get well card when he was off work having surgery. She had all the people that worked with her sign the card and she only signed her initials. He admitted that she is the one that he had the affair with. I guess he thinks I couldn't put 2 and 2 together and realize that the reason she didn't want to sign her name is because she didn't want his wife to know her name. So that little tidbit infuriates me! To think that he is still willing to lie to me just sends me over the edge. I guess I think if he's going to go to the trouble after all these years to make this kind of confession, he should be willing to back it up with some truth telling and not insult my intelligence on top of everything else. I worry that he will not be able to come through with answering my questions after all when I finally get around to being able to ask them. I think he really wants me to just know the information, decide that it was long ago and shouldn't have any bearing on today, and just go on together as if it doesn't matter now. I'm sure the next few weeks will be very difficult. I have loved this man since the moment I first saw him. I don't know what will happen but I would love to have your support and well wishes going forward.

tooclose posted 12/29/2015 10:58 AM

I'm not 100% sure I belong here... what constitutes "years later"?

My Wbf had an affair mid-july to mid-august 2014, I only found out sept 2015, 3 months before our wedding, which was supposed to be Thursday (the obviously was called off).

He confessed to her pursuing him last year, and ended when I *almost* caught him, but conveniently forgot about the fact that he had engaged in an A.

So now I'm stuck with half the information, and reflecting on the fact that I KNEW, I would ask him constantly and he would deny it, and I trusted his word.

Makes me feel pretty stupid.

AngelFlower posted 12/30/2015 10:28 AM

I feel very stupid too. I "found out" years later (7), but had my suspicions then. It's an awful place to be. So sorry for you.

crossroads2010 posted 1/18/2016 07:15 AM

I flip flop between the Recovery forum and this one.
6 years ago, my H was having an A with an old gf. He looked her up on fb and they reconnected. About a month into the A, I found out. We have been together since I was just out of HS and I knew most of his old gfs, but not this one. Almost 40 years together and I had never heard this story or about this person. Well, the night I confronted him and he told me who she was (the A was still going on and continued another 6 months), he also told me that this was not the first A with her...that about 20 years prior, she had come through town, looked him up and they had an A that lasted a few weeks and she left, So, I got a double shocker...the new A and the 20 year past one together. It has been more difficult to wrap my mind around the A 26 years ago than the one that was part of his mid-life crisis, so this is a forum that helps has a very specific set of problems.

At the time of his first A with her, we had been together for about 15 years and were happy...my oldest was a toddler, we were in our first house, he was working a job he liked and I was working and in school, we shared good times and bad...life was good. Back then, in the 80's, there was no social media, cell phones. There was trust...Now, I can't believe just how secure and safe I felt. Of course, for the past 6 years since I found out, I have done a lot of memory searching and asked myself what did I miss, how did I not know, was he really on that fishing trip? Was he really working late? It was a long time ago, but occasionally a few things pop into my mind that may have been questionable, or maybe just my imagination???

One of these was a conversation with my next door neighbor. I spoke with her from time to time, but didn't know her well...we were friendly, but not close friends. She came over when I was working in the yard on day and struck up a conversation with me. She noticed I had been gone the weekend before (I had a work-related trio and my H had kept our son). She very intentionally mentioned that a woman visited the house that weekend (even described the car). I think I chalked it up to being my sister-in-law. A few other things that I stuffed back into my memory have resurfaced that felt odd to me at the time, but I dismissed them...fishing trips with a work buddy I did not know...overtime work...things that may or may not have meant anything. It was a long time ago and I WAS a trusting wife. The hard part about having so many years before you find out is that not only do you not trust your WS, you can't trust yourself to see the signs and know.


iamanidiot posted 1/19/2016 09:03 AM

It just sucks doesn't it? You find out after all these years and try to make head or tail of it. When actually all those around you don't know and would probably not believe you either. In fact you are the couple they look up to.

And actually your heart is in pieces, you struggle with sleep & frustration. Anger and sadness.

I had my suspicions those days - but whatever question I asked, the answer was always a lie. And it was the type of lie that you WANTED to believe, to make sense of the things that just didn't make sense around you.

For a man (me) to say that he just now found out that his partner/fiance/wife had been with a total of four OM all those years ago...is shocking. It does something to me. Some days I just can't get going. I spend far too much time thinking back. Trying to work it all out.

There was a ONS & the others were 5+ months ongoing. And during that time, we would be together, but there was always a niggling something that we would fight about.... I really thought there was something wrong with ME!

So ! Most times these days I just feel sick to my stomach. Imagine telling my 3 boys now what their mother was like then? No No no!

And now at age 58 I am trying to RECONCILE that part of her life with the person I know now. I was there, I was part of it. I was blinded by love. It was all just hidden from me. My fWS was living a dual life and enjoying all the excitement that went with those illicit affairs.

For the last 30+ years my fWS has been the best wife ever. She put it all behind her and did good.

So, explain to me, exactly how can I be upset with her now? This wonderful mother & wife that does so much for us. That my friends probably feel I should be grateful for.

But it still sucks....

AngelFlower posted 1/20/2016 14:50 PM

iam...I feel all those things. It is very difficult to reconcile what you see now with what was happening then.

Trying2LoveAgain posted 1/20/2016 16:27 PM

Iam...I completely relate to your comment about "how can I be mad at her now?"

It's the same for me...Two years ago I found out that my H had an A with my brothers wife 25 years earlier. But he's been a good father & H (for the most part) since then. So when I found out, of course I still went (and am still) through all the emotions, but you still struggle with being SO angry with them.

I know this is hard for others to understand! Heck...I don't even understand it!

crossroads2010 posted 1/21/2016 18:53 PM

I am curious...LadySportsFan's H felt guilty and needed to "come clean" Winter's H hit a mean streak one day...my H was in another A with the OW and felt the need to justify by it by telling me about the one he had with her 20 years before...I am reading in this forum 2 to 20, 30, even 40+ years after the A...do people usually find out by accident, from someone else, or through confession? It just baffles me why the WS confesses so long after. My gut tells me that most of the time it is to ease the guilt and make the WS feel better for finally being honest, but is it really the best thing for the BS? As disrespectful as it is to the BS to lie by omission all those years, what does the WS think will happen to the BS when they finally do tell?

I want to pose a question to those in this unique situation...

If a close friend said "I love my husband/wife, but I cheated on him/her many years ago. It hasn't happened again and I don't plan for it to happen again...should I confess after all these years?"

What would you tell them?

iamanidiot posted 1/22/2016 05:54 AM

Trying2LoveAgain - I struggle. In the last 30 years we have done so much together, shared so many things, had good & bad times in our life together. Ditto for the first 3 years when we met. But for that 5 year period in between - My spouse was really somebody else. Another person, like from planet Mars maybe. Somebody that I did not know. The things she got up to .....

I think that the bad times in life make more of an impression on us than the good times. And so the bad times stick in my mind. I remember many things that my spouse did that she cannot believe she did.

Now that I know 'why' she was that way, I have to put it behind me and move on. Any negative emotion I may have now like anger, frustration, even hate, is useless. I am limited to disbelief and forgiveness.

She finally grew up and made good. So I feel that I do NOT have a choice. I feel I have to turn the page and move on. I don't understand it!!!

iamanidiot posted 1/22/2016 06:10 AM

crossroads2010 - We have known each other for 39 years. We had a fight. My suspicions about 1980 & 1985 led me to ask a question. My WS thought that I knew but was testing her and that she had better own up. The dam burst for the next 24 hours and the next week.

Did I want to know? Yes!!! Because there was always a suspicion, always a niggle, always a divide between us that I could not understand, and that would lead to tension.

Yes! And If I had known about the 1st, I might have been pre-warned for the 2nd. I would have been on the lookout so to speak. I may just have had a chance to prevent the 2nd, the 3rd and the 4th.

Yes! I would want to know.

AngelFlower posted 1/22/2016 13:22 PM

I would have wanted to know. I always had a suspicion. I also think it health risk otherwise. My FWH did not tell me and years went by. I found out because I lost a baby, and after months of investigation as to why, we discovered it was bc my WH had given me an std. Had I ever known, I would have gotten an STD test and perhaps would have avoided losing the baby.

tooclose posted 1/27/2016 16:43 PM

Angelflower, I am sorry to hear your story. I can only imagine the additional pain that caused. I don't pretend my story comes close, but at the time of the A I had an abnormal exam which led to a cancer scare, the only thing that changed in my life was that. Not fun. When I told W he was horrified.

I am struggling right now because W was in a 6 week A with a CoW last summer. It was a year before I found out but the person he was before it started and then after he ended it and got out of that workplace is a good man who made some really shitty choices. But because it is all new for me I still look at him as that man and am struggling to come to terms with it. And because he is no longer that man I know it hurts him deeply to see the pain he has caused. I'm still not sure if he hid it for me or him (my gut tells me a little bit of both). I'm sure if he had told me then I would have left and never looked back. It's weird how that time gap changed my mind...

[This message edited by tooclose at 8:36 PM, January 27th (Wednesday)]

Trying2LoveAgain posted 1/27/2016 19:23 PM

AngelFlower...I can't imagine losing a baby over infidelity! We lost enough as it was! I'm so very sorry you had to endure that heartbreak on top of infidelity!

We didn't have all the technology back then, like they do now to find out so quickly what our WS were doing! Not everyone had cell phones, email, or FindMyPhone to see where WS was at! Would it have stopped them? I doubt it! Besides, if WS really WANTS to have another A, I say "Go after it"! I don't want someone I have to babysit all the time anyway! It's just not worth it to me! My motto is "If I have to monitor him...I don't want him"!

I have asked WS what he'd done if AP had got pregnant by him....he held his finger

s to his head, as if saying...I'd have shot myself! And I really think he would have! And "HER", I think she'd have been totally happy to have had his baby! She was/is a messed up, crazy person!!

I am STILL angry and resentful that WH and other family kept this from me for 25 YEARS! How cruel!!!

AngelFlower posted 1/29/2016 12:55 PM

tooclose...I also had an abnormal exam. That is difficult. I will always worry about cancer now. Of course, my WS worries now, too. If only WSs would worry at the right time, before the dire consequences. But, they don't (me, too). And we have to go on.

T2LA...losing the baby was the hardest thing I have ever had to face. Then, I learned of his infidelity. And that was the other hardest thing I had to face. And then I learned that his infidelity caused the loss...and the two greatest losses of my life became one that nearly broke me. I did not think I was going to survive the heartbreak. I thought I might even end it myself. But, I am here and the days are looking a little brighter and they will eventually look brighter for you, too (and you tooclose).

trustedg posted 1/29/2016 13:10 PM

It is very difficult to reconcile what you see now with what was happening then.
OH YES!

WHs A was over 25 years ago. Before and after all was good. Great husband, great father. I try to look at it as right now he is a good man, a man I would happily marry, but those haunting thoughts come back. How could anyone do what he did? He was (is) a liar and a cheat. How do you separate the two persons?

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