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For Those Who Found Out Years Later

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demeter posted 1/27/2015 12:10 PM

I truly hope things turn out well for you and from your post I feel it will. My best advice is to keep talking about until you feel you have all the information you need. I never asked about the sexual part because I didn't want to know, many do. I hope he understands that this will change many things and he has to be an openbook. No unknowns about his life, co-workers, phone, computer, if he is willing to be 150% open to you that'll help. The fact that he speaks fondly of your past speaks volumes about him.

Thanks SleepingBeauty, that is very encouraging.
I did ask him about the sexual details (I had read some of them) and he has been very honest and open, at least to the extent that he remembers. He did not get a chance to review the notes and messages, after two or three days of reading them I made the very hard decision to just delete the whole file, I knew I would torture myself with them and want to go over everything line by line with him and, in my head and heart, I knew that would not be productive for us. So he doesn't even have that to refresh his memory.

He is being an open book. I have his passwords, phone is lying around, ipad lying around, etc. I had been checking things but have more or less stopped that. There are no indications that anything has gone on since 2007 and what I mostly did was clean up his facebook account and remove any posts between the two of them and block her (after I had him send her a message telling her why she was getting blocked). Her response to him, that she did not know I would be able to read (he did not tell her I had found out...) confirmed that they had not had any real contact for many, many years (the FB stuff was nothing, a couple of comments referencing some posts and a couple of messages, all pretty harmless.) She is remarried and has definitely moved on. I honestly do not worry about her and him at all now. It was an A of convenience, not of burning desire to be together. WH has said she made noises in that direction at one point and he firmly told her that him leaving me was nowhere in the cards and that he did not feel that way about her.

He is doing everything right, I have very few complaints. The only issues we have are with the things he struggles with...mainly, dealing with some of his emotional baggage head on rather than coming to terms with any of it. He is working on that, but I can't expect him to completely change overnight. That tendency in him is not a surprise to me, I have known he was that way all along.

I am very confident that we will make this work. We are both trying hard. I will certainly look into some of the book recommendations on here but right now, we spend so much time talking that neither one of us really has time to read.

Thanks for responding, this is sort of a slow thread.

thebighurt posted 1/28/2015 00:09 AM

When this popped to the top and I saw it again, I thought I would read a few posts to decide if I belong here too, along with other places in ICR.

So I'm guessing finding out 30 or so years later is my entry ticket, but you tell me.

But from the posts I have read, it's apparent that I'm not really like all the rest of you. My M ended on DDay and most of what I read were by people in R.

Xpos admitted to two women over two months on DDay. Soon it was another and 7 months, then the next month it had been a year, then he stopped talking to me about it. Two months later someone told me he had a 'gf' 2 years before. Another few months and I heard that "He must have finally left for the beautiful woman I saw him with some 4 or 5 years ago". NOT!! She is an ugly, obese slut.

Well, I had to find a new gyno for my most recent checkup and needed to fill out a history and sign to have my records transferred. Back in the mid-80s, I had many female problems: I doctored for frequent infections of all kinds (most where both of us needed to be treated and abstain from sex) and a PID.

My lovely new gyno had heard my story of xpos' infidelity and the fact that I had only ever had ONE partner, so she gently asked me if I realized that a PID comes from an untreated STD, like Chlamydia, so if I had never had another partner, xpos must have given it to me. It CAN have another cause, but it would not have applied to me. (Now I know why my doctor back then gave me a lecture about having affairs. I laughed at him because I *knew* neither of us was unfaithful.)

It was a shock to hear that, but not for long. By that time it was just another confirmation of what my IC had been telling me about his treatment of me from the beginning. I guess I never knew him at all.

Sleepingbeauty posted 1/30/2015 15:01 PM

Demeter- I am glad that your FWH woke up and realized what he had and what he stood to lose. Please post I will try and follow as it is so hard when you find out years later. His talking about it is going to be key to your healing. Do not hide your feelings. If you get angry he needs to know and needs to help you get through it.

healthbabe posted 2/1/2015 13:14 PM

ITSPJW,

My husband also (for years) denied anything had had happened between him and another woman (on knees begging and crying humbly) , saying that he had never cheated on me. After years of trickle truth and finally threating to leave,he admitted to a flirtatious relationship. Because I couldn't get rid of the gut feeling I had, this went on for years. He finally admitted to kissing her and took a polygraph. He passed the polygraph. I know it sounds crazy but I think he may have found a way to beat the polygraph. Fastforward years later....I found bank statements with dating websites. He denied it again consistently and said I was the one who had signed up on the sites so he went on the sites to check it out. Fast forward months later....I had computer forensics done on family computer and found where he has been on the sites for a couple of years at least. Would you believe that even with this hard evidence he still DENYS everthing. It has taken a while but I think that I have finally come to the conclusion that I will never know all of the truth . Has anyone had a similar experience with the polygraph?

802Woman posted 2/2/2015 09:31 AM

Polygraphs are not fool-proof. It's wishful thinking to believe there is a machine that can prove a person is truthful or not. It takes a quick Google search to learn how to beat a polygraph test. Also, if the person doesn't have any guilt over an action, the polygraph will not be very accurate.

cosmicjoke posted 2/3/2015 16:50 PM

Staystrong- this is how I describe my own situation too. FWH likes to describe the last 20 yrs as 'a few little slip-ups'.. but in my definition, he was cheating on me for our entire lives together (20 yrs). There was never a time when he came clean, or confessed what kind of person he really was (until he finally did a couple years ago, after much painful TT..) his double life just become more and more split from his real life/ our life together.. and it caused him to become more and more pathological. Only now do I get to see the real reason behind all this, the whole unnecessary drawn-out mess. God, what a colossal WASTE of time.!! .. that I certainly did NOT ask for..!!
So basically the reality of this is that he's been disloyal and lying to me the entire time. You can't screw someone in secret, get away with it, have a secret pact with them to not tell your spouse, then let the dust settle and live with that a while, continue to live a false life with your spouse, find ways to justify it to yourself, then go down that slippery slope and do it all over again, and again and again.. always living with the BIG LIE but saying 'oh it was just a few mistakes.' NO..!! Once you start, you have permanently poisoned the well. You can't live a life full of lies and then 'pretend' you're living one with integrity.

My point- since it happened 'here and there'-- basically that means he was NEVER faithful. You fuck someone 20 years ago, bury the truth, and then you think you're being loyal to your spouse for long time.. that is NOT BEING LOYAL. As long as you are hiding the truth from them- YOU ARE STILL CHEATING ON THEM..! You never stopped.

broken0912 posted 2/7/2015 21:02 PM

I think I fit in here. I found out 3yrs after it ended. Lasted 3.5 yrs that I was only able to determine after much detective work, as he couldn't remember. That was did,2.5 yrs ago. We have been through many downs and some ups through this process.

My question is has anyone been able to heal in their marriage while being unable to get the details you feel you need?

After all ove done to try to get him to remember, I do actually believe he cannot. He refuses to talk to ow to ask her. She refuses to tell me anything, thinking she is somehow the victim and did nothing really bad or wrong. He also refuses to try hypo Knossos because he says he doesn't believe it will work and deep down does not want to remember.

9YearLie posted 2/8/2015 10:36 AM

After all I've done to try to get him to remember, I do actually believe he cannot.

If my wife can remember the details of her drunken ONS from 10 years ago... he can remember.

[This message edited by 9YearLie at 10:37 AM, February 8th (Sunday)]

MentalHopscotch posted 2/8/2015 16:08 PM

I found out about XH's first OW *after* I found out about his second OW, and the first A was back in 2008. D-day for both affairs wasn't until 2011. He'd gotten dumped by the first OW after her H threatened XH several times - so then he moved on to a friend we knew from church. Of course while all this was going on & he was getting ass-kicking threats every day in texts/settling down with new strange, he was nothing but angelic to stupid ol' me, the backup plan.

vixen13 posted 2/17/2015 16:28 PM

I found out about my WH ONS 2 years after it happened and 2 months after we were married. It feels terrible to know he has lied to me for so long. I was fighting for custody at the time for my daughter's and we had an 8 month old son together. I was recovering from a at accident and we hadn't had sex for well over 6 months. OW was a friend of his and dating his best friend. She always like my WH and was always quite rude to me. When I was out of town, she suddenly needed help from my WH and found a legitimate reason to hang out and instantly threw herself on him since she had all our personal details from her boyfriend. She wanted my WH to leave me for her and she dumped her boyfriend for my WH. After he told her not to contact her again she started showing up at our house to meet her now ex only for the chance to see my WH. She was obsessed. Her odd stalking habits and my WH original tale just didn't seem to add up so I asked again a few times and it took 2 years to finally get the truth. OW refused to talk to me when I messaged her not that I would believe her since she was caught lying to my WH for reasons to see him.

BSandWS posted 3/7/2015 05:45 AM

I am not sure I belong here. I am a sawh. My wife found a text five months ago. I confessed to 20 years of paying for sex. Never any relationships. But sex. It was a nightmare to admit and a relief.

I have been in counseling for most of that time trying to quit on my own, unsuccessfully.

The next night, my wife admits to one affair eight years ago when pregnant with our one child. With a colleague she still interacts with, though not frequently.

I feel ripped in half. Both my worst nightmares are true. I made so many mistakes and am not the man I want to be. She had a relationship including sex with another man.

I sometimes feel like I am just dead.

apom posted 4/6/2015 05:26 AM

I discovered that my wife of 39yrs had an affair around 20 yrs ago with a coworker who is 10 yrs younger than her. She admitted it at first in a sort of way and gave me a little information but then reversed and denied she had said those things that admitted an affair. I know from her reactions and how she reacts to my questions that this happened for sure.

I am 62 yrs old and she is 60 with me retired and her still working for another year. Since I discovered this last Oct 2014 my life has gone from good to traumatic with this thing constantly on my mind unable to sleep without pills and for a week now taking an anti - depressant. She is denying this ever happened and wants me to forget the past but the suspense of not knowing how and exactly when this happened is driving me crazy and I fear my health is suffering.

I love her dearly and the last years of our marriage have been the best and I know she loves me now. But there was a time when I think this happened she did not love me and I felt she despised me. I did not understand it then and did not think she was capable of having an affair. I wanted to leave her then but we had teenagers at home and I still loved her.

I am torn with enduring this torment and hoping to heal without her help or to divorce. I do not know if I can stop loving her and find someone else. At my age divorce is scary and dating seems unnatural. I pray that all of us on this forum find peace and happiness.

Trying2LoveAgain posted 4/9/2015 18:32 PM

@APom...First of all...I'm SO sorry you are dealing with this and after SO many years, it REALLY sucks! I have to admit, there doesn't seem to be much activity on this Forum, which is really frustrating to me! Maybe because there aren't as many of us who "found out years later"??? Have you posted at all in the "Just Found Out" forum? I seem to at least get some replies on it. I really don't think there are THAT many of us in our situation.

Here's a little of my story....My FWH and I have now been M 37 years. When we had been M about 10 years, he had an A with my brothers wife who had had feelings for him even before she married my brother. Anyway, we were having many problems in our M at the time and she knew it, so took advantage of our situation. At the time it happened, many of MY family members knew about it, but didn't tell me because they KNEW I would have left him! So as to not bore you with some other details, I'll fast forward to 18 months ago. (Leaving out details about why this came about) but I was finally told about the A! I am now almost 56 & my FWH is 60 so I fully understand how you feel about it all! It has been the most devastating time of my life! We ARE trying to R as my FWH is very remorseful and working hard to help me heal. But there are times I just don't know if this is still a deal breaker for me! One of the hardest things I struggle with is the 25 years that he (and others) lied to & deceived me! I should have been told when it happened and given the chance to decide for myself whether I would leave or stay! I am STILL struggling with anger & resentment!
If you would like to talk further about this one on one, please feel free to PM me.

Again, I'm SO sorry you are hurting!

apom posted 4/10/2015 23:31 PM

Trying2loveagain thank you for your kind words and I am sorry you are hurting too. It is good your husband is working with you to reconcile. I have read that if your spouse is open about the details of the affair your chances of healing is very good.

My wife does not understand the pain I am feeling and how I need her to open up about the affair so I can heal. No one understands this pain if they have not experienced it. She thinks I can just get past this after 6 months and by just knowing she loves me now I should be Ok.

I would like to PM you but I read in the rules that you cannot PM until you have 50 posts. I wish the best for you and encourage you to not give up and fight through this pain.

ReeseR1 posted 4/14/2015 08:23 AM

Neverwouldguesed, don't worry, my husband cheated on me for our entire marriage and I never knew. Never suspected. He was that good. He compartmentalized himself so much he literally cut of any connection to empathy for me. An otherwise good person has to do that to do the things some of our spouses have done - especially those that have done it for years.

The thing is, I'm not a fool. If there were red flags, overt signs, I would have known. HE made me believe he was honest, moral, etc. He went to great lengths for me to think that and my and his family and all my friends. He was the hero in our circle. Turns out, all a lie he was projecting and he was a fraud who thought he would be found out, which made him seek affirmation from other women through too close friends, sex outside the marriage, flirting and pursuing and trolling online in his own mind fantasies. Ugh. So, broken, my husband.

iamanidiot posted 4/17/2015 07:48 AM

@apom So sorry that you hurting like this. My story is very similar. Go see 'justfoundout'.
After 3 very good & solid years my fiance changed slightly towards me in December 1979. I was in the Army and was just to grateful to be see her for one weekend every month for two years - sum it up 48 days. When my stint ended we got married. Now at 57yrs old I find out - she says she was in 'love' (go read up on 'the fog') and details having flat out sex for at least 10 of these months (10mnts 4wks 4dys/wk 160x?) javascript:AddSmily('%20%20')
I have always suspected that there was something. But never dreamed that my young 'innocent' fiance that I loved and admired so much could carry on as she had.
There was worse to come after our first son was born. She related quite a story of 4 guys in total. And I never knew a bloody thing.
But ! I must say that she made a FULL confession. It all came out, she did not stop talking until she was sure that I understood ALL that had happened. And she was and is still very remorseful. She regrets what she did and says sorry to me almost every day. She can see my hurt and wants to make amends (not that there is much to do after all these years). But her remorse helps in healing my pain. And makes our lives worthwhile at this time.
It was most important for her to talk. But what was more important is that she WANTED to tell me. This made any effort at reconciliation much easier and worthwhile.
I may look at her through eyes that have changed these days, but I still want to be with her even after 34 years of living a lie.
I do hope that your story goes along a similar route.

trustedg posted 4/17/2015 08:43 AM

apom (and others)

I think it is hard for a WS who cheated many years ago (I found out 25 years later) to understand how fresh this is for the BS.

My WH had sex with a "friend" of mine on and off for a year then he got got disgusted with himself and her and stopped. He says it was just sex and he made that clear to her. He spent 25 years trying to bury it and really had.

We had a great relationship before and after so when I found out and took it so hard he was bewildered. I gave him some things to read, mainly hitting on the fact that no matter how long ago it happened, to a BS the clock (hurt) starts at DDay. They are years out and we are days out.

TheOldGuy posted 4/17/2015 13:16 PM

I didn't find out the "whole truth" until 35 years of marriage. The quotes are there because there's so much I still don't know. She spend the first 10 years of what I thought was a great marriage finding thrills behind my back. Eleven men that she's mentioned but I have no idea who most of them were. We spent three years fighting about it with her on the defensive every moment. Then we found out she has ovarian cancer. She's in hospice care now and I'm the primary provider. It's hard to explain how all this makes me feel, but "Wasted Life" and "Too Late To Start Over" come to mind.

10yearsafter posted 4/17/2015 15:24 PM

"Too Late To Start Over"

You don't start over you move forward. You have a lot of years ahead of you make those the good years. Your life is not wasted you raised 2 children who sound like great kids. Successful with good jobs. My friend that is a great accomplishment and certainly not a waste.

ReeseR1 posted 4/24/2015 20:44 PM

ThatOldGuy,

I think a lot about you and your situation. Regardless of what your wife has done, it doesn't define YOU. What does define you is your compassion and caring, even with all she has done.

I hope you find peace soon.

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