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For Those Who Found Out Years Later

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Sleepingbeauty posted 9/5/2014 11:18 AM

I hate when I was told to get over it, to let it go. He stayed with you. Yeah! By the time I felt I had truly gotten over it he was and is involved a new A.

I myself never get over it. Always stay on your toes. I trusted and verified like is suggested then I forgot to verify. Always verify.

doubleboggy posted 9/5/2014 19:02 PM

"it was so long ago - you should get over it."


I got the "That's not me anymore, don't I get credit for that?"

The lies for so long (19 years in my case), make it nearly impossible to ever believe them again much less give them credit for finally "getting around to" being faithful.

hsloa3175 posted 9/7/2014 20:38 PM

I see pictures of us together from that time frame and wonder how he could stand there next to me while lying to me, while doing her on the side. I think of things we did together during that time and wonder how he could do those things with me while deceiving me, while betraying me.

This is it, exactly. Yes, it hurts that my husband had sex with someone else, but it is that above that hurts even worse. How could he do it while being with me at the same time? How could he live the next three years with me without feeling guilty? Has anyone ever gotten a good response from their WS to these questions? My WH has no answer for me other than that he is stupid and sorry. Maybe there is no answer good enough to help?

hsloa3175 posted 9/7/2014 20:59 PM

The hardest part of this for me is that not only did was it three years ago that my husband cheated and I never knew, but that at the time that it happened I had a feeling and didn't listen to it.

He had gone to spend a few days with his family, they live pretty far away. While he was there he reconnected with an old girlfriend through his best friend who is still friends with her. She was married and her husband apparently was away working and she wanted some extra help with moving. He was open with me about their encounter and wanted to know if I minded if he helped her, talked to me every day while he was there on phone and webcam and everything. I was a little worried because he had had one previous online issue with a different ex in the past (they only slightly sex chatted for a few days but I found out and cut it off) but he was being so open about it that I decided to trust him. Well while I was trusting him, he was having sex with her all week.

I asked him repeatedly over the last few years if anything had happened then because I just had a strange feeling about it, but he was so sincere in promising me that nothing had, he even told me to find her on facebook and ask her. So I finally relaxed and trusted him.

Now, three years later (three years that seemed really good to me) his cell phone broke. He was acting strange one morning before work, so out of suspicion I checked the computer and almost missed it, I saw a strange log in on facebook, just one tiny line in the internet history where it showed being logged into facebook on one line and then logging in on the next.

Anyway, I found his fake account and his fake email address and found out that 9 months ago he reconnected with her online and has been cheating with her online. In their conversations she repeatedly told him to make sure to only use his cell phone so that I couldn't find anything on the computer. But because his phone died he broke down and used the computer. He had been planning on fixing his phone, but when I read some of that it took a dive in the bathtub. He had been doing it mostly at work so that I couldn't find out - in the bathroom at WORK! And sometimes in our bed when I was up late working or with the kids.
On top of that, after reading through 9 months of messages, they actually talked about their time together and how I was suspicious and thought that they had done something but that I'd never find out.

How do you ever learn to trust someone again after they lie to your face about having done something like that and then you find out years later that they have been lying about it and actually DID do it? Now he keeps telling me that he has never done anything else either before her or since then, but how the hell can I believe him? How can I ever believe that there has been nothing else when he lied about that? I can spy and watch all I want now, but it doesn't get rid of the distrust that there could be more that I don't know about.

damaged13 posted 9/12/2014 00:58 AM

I haven't posted on this thread before & have only read a few pages. It seems like these I Can Relate threads could & should be forums all their own.
Anyway, I found out in Feb that my husband slept around while we were engaged. It was either 13 or 14 years ago. He "doesn't remember" the timing details. I found out because I saw the nasty pictures he had taken of her & kept all these years. Yeah, what a winner I married, huh? The date on the photos doesn't match the date he says it happened. Now that I know what he is capable of, I believe nothing he says.
Recently I have been thinking about contacting her to see what her story is, what she remembers. I've googled her. She's not on Facebook but comes up on those people finder sites where you have to pay for contact info.
Should I do it? Has anyone else done this after so many years? And if so, what came of it?

Bluestorm3 posted 10/1/2014 07:48 AM

I can so relate.

On the morning of July 17, 2014, I randomly picked up my husband's phone to find a WhatsApp thread with a final message that read "Thinking of sliding into you". I opened up the conversation thinking, "What the hell is this?" I found a very graphic sexting exchange from the night before with a woman he was only calling by her surname, complete with a nude photo of her chest. Knowing my husband as (I thought) I did, I assumed it must be a joke and there must be some logical explanation, so I thumbed back through the thread to earlier in the conversation until I found this:
Him: Sorry I've been out of touch.
Her: I figured things would be different after [our 2-year-old daughter's name] was born.

My heart exploded and I went cold and numb.

This was the first PTSD moment that I wish I could permanently scrub from my memory.

The shocking realization that my husband not only had some sort of sexual relationship (EA or PA) with this woman, but also the fact that it had carried on so long that it became "different" two years ago - after our daughter was born- was like an out of body experience for me. Horror. Disbelief. This can NOT be happening.

I immediately confronted him with the phone conversation, demanding "WHO IS THIS?" I watched the panic wash over him as he scrambled to think of what to say. I just waited. Finally I asked "Did you have an affair with her???"

Him: (long pause). Yes.

This is the second PTSD moment I wish I could scrub from my memory.

I honestly thought our marriage was affair-proof. (Although now I don't believe that exists.) I never dreamed in a million years that it was even a possibility. It wasn't for ME. One thing I had always admired most about my husband was how honorable he was and how much he respected me. Ha! I have never felt so disrespected in my whole life. I used to believe with my whole heart that he was 100% devoted to me. Shattered.

I found out the PA started and ended during the year I was pregnant with my third child. They met up only twice at a hotel - once during my pregnancy and once when my daughter was "a couple" months old. (He can't remember exactly when.) For a couple years leading up to and then between these two events they had been talking and texting, but after the second hotel hook-up my husband supposedly came to his senses and ended it and didn't contact her for more than a year and a half. Then that one night in July he contacted her by text "just to see how she was doing."

He swears the sexting was just flirting that got out of hand and he had no intention of meeting up with her again. I had to admit there was no indication in the conversation that they were planning to meet but the sexting has clearly made me doubt whether the affair was over. Some will think I am foolish for believing it is over after finding that evidence so recently, but many many conversations with him have convinced me - as much as is possible in my dis-trustful state - that it really was just a stupid flirtation at that point.

He tells me the affair was "just sex", that he never had any intention of leaving and never stopped loving me. Things were really bad between us that spring when the affair started. At age 42 he was really stressed about having a third child - our boys were 4 and 5 then and he thought we were done - he had also just lost 60 pounds and was feeling attractive for the first time since he was in the military. His head was really messed up - I could see that - and he even told me that he was in contact with this particular woman but he framed it as though she was pursuing him and he didn't know why. He swore, of course, that there was nothing going on. I had suspicions by the crazy way he was acting and even asked him several times if he was having an affair, although even then I never believed he actually was - I just wanted affirmation from him that we were still a team.

At one point I accidentally overheard him talking to her on the phone. He has a work phone and personal phone - he thought he had hung up the call with me on the personal phone to answer her on the work phone, but I was still there and I heard everything he said. I confronted him as soon as he realized I was still on the phone. Although what he said was not overtly implying an affair, my instinct was that he was intimate with this person he was talking to, but he was somehow able to convince me that I was wrong and misinterpreting what I heard.

That is one of the most hurtful things in all this - those LIES to convince me *I* was wrong. I believed in him so implicitly that I was totally convinced my instincts were wrong!!!!

The OW was someone he had known when he was 19 and she was 17. They were just friends then but he admitted he felt she was a missed opportunity. I found the FaceBook conversation from 2010 where he tracked her down and slowly over the next couple years they got reacquainted. He said she made him feel "important", because apparently I was not (pregnant with two other small children and running my own business), and eventually they agreed to meet at a hotel while I thought he was at work. He admitted he was living out a fantasy with her - a teenage dream - but he found out the reality was actually very disappointing. (duh)

I feel like he was acting out during that time - acting strangely juvenile - very uncharacteristic for him.

Things DID change after my daughter was born. He fell head over heels in love with her and regretted all the grief he gave me regarding the pregnancy. He broke down in tears apologizing - I thought it was for not wanting the baby, but now I think it also had to do with his guilt.

He did go back to the OW a second time during my post-partum period when he and I weren't having much sex. (This kills me. I had just had a baby and it was WEEKS without sex, not MONTHS.) He was horny and she was available. This second time still confuses me because I thought we were in a MUCH better place in our marriage by then. It was some time after this second meeting that he cut off the PA.

Since D-day he really has done everything he should and that I need - took full responsibility for everything, very remorseful, so caring and loving and supportive of me, basically doing whatever it takes to save our marriage. We have been in weekly MC since three weeks after D-day and that has been very productive. He has sworn no contact with with OW and says the OW swore to never contact him again. (I mostly believe this.). He removed his FaceBook page (where he reconnected with her) and in an effort to re-gain trust has (as far as I can tell) cut down contact with almost every outside person except his best (male) friends and essential work colleagues. I have full access to his phones and email. I believe that we are going to come out of this with a much stronger marriage and we feel closer to each other right now than we have in years.

HOWEVER, this continues to be excruciating for me. I equate it to the time right after my mom died when I was 24. Probably worse. So much grief. So much disillusionment. So much anger. I don't use the term PTSD lightly. This has been trauma such as I never knew existed. We are committed to staying together but sometimes I hate him for what he did. He is not the honorable man I thought he was.

I am hounded by the thought of them together. I want to know everything he said to her. Everything she said to him. Everything they did together at that eff-ing hotel. Like with others in this thread, he is so vague on the details of when he met up with her - says he can't remember. Emphasizes that it is something he wanted to forget.

This is such a long road. I have no doubts about staying with him but I am so angry that I have to live with this knowledge for the rest of my life. That he willfully hurt me in the worst way possible.

He is terrified that I am going to leave him. He thinks I will not be able to get past this and one day I will just tell him to get out.

He said part of him felt justified for cheating back then because his head was such a mess and he was so unhappy with our lack of communication. He never thought about the consequences. (WHY?? HOW COULD YOU NOT???) Once I found out about the affair and he realized he may have ruined everything he said that during the affair he "didn't realize this was worth fighting for", but now he does. I was livid. How could you not think that this amazing supportive wife, these amazing sweet children, this beautiful home, this beautiful life was not worth fighting for and it took something like this to make you realize it???

A friend of mine who cheated on her first husband gave me the perspective that when she cheated and got caught she realized her marriage was NOT worth fighting for, and they divorced. She helped me see that through this insanely stupid act and realizing how close he came to losing it all he now knows for certain that it IS worth fighting for.

[This message edited by Bluestorm3 at 2:33 PM, October 1st (Wednesday)]

trustedg posted 10/6/2014 10:32 AM

The crazy thing about my situation is that I would not have confronted him, never found out, had the OW not started things up again. I had suspicions because of things she had said 25 years earlier but tried to deny it because I thought my WH would never do that and she was a "friend" and women just don't do that (yep, naive).

She had other PAs after (and before) the one with my WH and they ended. I know one stopped when she said she wanted to leave her H and marry the guy, he freaked and stopped it. My BH wouldn't play the game again so she started saying things to me. I wonder if she thought I would kick him out and that would leave him available??

xswimmer posted 10/15/2014 10:48 AM

Over the course of our 13 year marriage my husband had numerous EA and two PA. I knew about a bunch of the EAs and suspected that there was a PA going on. He denied it every time.

We D in April and he moved out at the end of August. Last month he fessed up to the 10+ year PA with a former girlfriend and a PA of 2+years with a woman I consider nothing more than a slut.

Of course everything gets blamed on me.

44years posted 10/26/2014 15:18 PM

"I've spent the last 14 years learning to live with what I've done, I have forgiven myself and God has forgiven me."

My WH pulls the "God has forgiven me" card out quite bit. Yes, he has, if you're truly repentant(and I do believe that he finally is) but it makes me see red, because it negates all my pain and makes it sound like there won't be consequences.

Which is far from the truth.

crossroads2010 posted 10/26/2014 19:51 PM

Bluestorm...me...five years ago...you could not have expressed it better!!


I honestly thought our marriage was affair-proof. (Although now I don't believe that exists.) I never dreamed in a million years that it was even a possibility. It wasn't for ME. One thing I had always admired most about my husband was how honorable he was and how much he respected me. Ha! I have never felt so disrespected in my whole life. I used to believe with my whole heart that he was 100% devoted to me. Shattered
.

damaged...how did the pictures resurface...do you think he is seeing her again/ Are you just curious about her or think she may give you information...I wouldn't trust her for information.

Whoareu posted 11/3/2014 15:44 PM

Worst ten months of my life! WW had an A in 88-89. I was very suspicious and confronted both of them a different times, but of course all denied. I asked her about it many times over the years but always denied. She left the A and a couple months later decided to have child #2 with me. We had a bad patch a few weeks after #2 was born and she kicked me out of the house for a few days. I resolved to become the best I could and set about reforming myself, becoming active in church, and even speaking to large groups about how you can turn yourself around (I would occasionally binge drink and become passive-aggressive) but otherwise very successful. In fact, I was successful in all areas of my life excepting my relationship with WW. Mean time, she treated me like crap (anger issues) and always maintained the power position because I was so public with my shortcomings. So, finally last January she finally confesses that it was in fact a full blown EA/PA. Took several months of TT to find out it lasted somewhere around a year and that she ended it, but has changed her story on key details several times, and I don't know what to believe. Just trying to survive at this point. On anti-depressants because I made a statement about life not having meaning any more. This is great....finally reached retirement with virtually all my dreams realized....money, dream home, etc., and none of it means a damn thing. Think I could get through this if I just felt I were getting the truth.

Camalus posted 11/4/2014 07:40 AM

This is great....finally reached retirement with virtually all my dreams realized....money, dream home, etc., and none of it means a damn thing.

I know exactly where you are coming from when you say that. The A seems to invalidate everything we've worked to hard for.

Think I could get through this if I just felt I were getting the truth.

Sadly, one of the challenges of finding out many years after the A is the lack of substantiating evidence. No texts, because smart phones weren't around. No recoverable emails. No credit card records from 20 years ago. We are stuck relying on our wayward's memory and the recollections of others. Even when the wayward is being honest, to the best of their ability , there will be discrepancies.

My fWW provided me with a timeline that wasn't as much a timeline as a running narrative of how, what, and why the affair happened and progressed. I found it to be extremely helpful.

BiggestDumbAss posted 11/4/2014 08:34 AM

These both hit home for me.

That is one of the most hurtful things in all this - those LIES to convince me *I* was wrong. I believed in him so implicitly that I was totally convinced my instincts were wrong!!!!

This is great....finally reached retirement with virtually all my dreams realized....money, dream home, etc., and none of it means a damn thing

*********************************

Think I could get through this if I just felt I were getting the truth.

I'm not sure of myself w/this one. I think I can handle the truth. Myself tells me I need to know EVERYTHING but then when I replay in my mind of what I know [which never stops] I don't like the truth and I feel like the dumbass fool who will believe anything.

I feel like a dumbass thinking that she loves me

Her:OMG, watch what I do to him now... CMon Boy, Here boy, whistle, whistle, whistle Bwhaaaaa... goooood boy

DamonVaux910 posted 11/20/2014 14:07 PM

Not sure if I should post here or somewhere else. Please let me know, if so, I'll move to another thread. Grew up in the inner city, not making excuses just trying to give insights, into possible motivations and mindset at the time. Very competitive. I played basketball me and my brothers 3 of us. We were not 7 footers, just average size guys blessed with a lot of athletic abilities. Like jumping high, crazy dunking things like that. We always had quite a following, I might add we were not bad looking brothers, then or now, so I've been told. To shorten this up, I've always had a really high sex drive. And there were always girls/women who was willing to address that with. I'm trying not to sound like a d## here. I married young, my wife was and still is the most awesome, wonderful, and together person I have ever met. We setup house and had three beautiful kids. I work in health care, and as you know, health care is saturated with women. As much as I loved my wife, I'm sad to say I gave in on occasion. The traveling, being away from home, and not having good boundaries. Took its toll on me, my guilt was bad. Especially, when I would see my wife's face and my babies, how happy they were that I was home. Me the POS that I was, the traitor to my marriage and kids. The thing that got me one day was this guy said something to my wife. He didn't see that we were together, and I was about to go thug. My wife calm me down by touching my face and asking me "what do you have to worry about, who am I with?" I cried right there, yeah me "hardcore" cause deep down I knew I didn't deserve her. She deserved better,maybe even that knucklehead that flirted with her. We on our way to a barbecue, when I got there. I saw a lot my boys, I never felt so inferior compared to the other people in my life. Everything about me was so forced. I confessed to my wife that night, of the various encounters I had. In addition to a Lta on the job with a nurse that worked with. Gave her all the details. Here's the kicker, as they say, this occurred over twenty years ago. I mention it here because, 6 years ago on a warm summer day. One of my brothers and me are watching a baseball game. I had just cut the grass and after I showered, my wife left and drove to the mall. All typical, till I get a knock on the door. The most beautiful young woman is standing there, she asked me are you so and so, I'm looking at her and even though she of mixed birth. There is something familiar about her, can't put my finger on it yet. Then she says (like a made for TV movie) my name is so and so, and I think you are my father. That's it! That's why she looks familiar, she, though lighter, looks like my mom, sisters, and my daughter. Omg, those dimples, she tall. Like a movie, you know when the lady faints? I felt light headed like I was going to faint, butterflies in the stomach the whole nine yards. I remembered her mom, I was 29 she was 19, I broke it off after "one time." She worked in the record room. I worked off site one Saturday, she was there and we got caught in a snow storm. That's all I remembered, not spectacular by any means. When I had confessed years ago to my wife I mostly talked about the Lta.

My wife now is having a hard time with this, even though I completely changed my ways through counseling. I'm lost, dealing with trying to get to know my daughter (yeah DNA proved it) and revisiting my infidelity 24 years later. Sorry for the long post.

Getthruit posted 11/26/2014 10:21 AM

I just found out in February that on November 19, 2012 my then boyfriend, now husband made an appointment for a "girlfriend experience" with an escort who was in town during that time. During this time we had JUST said "I love you" for the first time and were most definitely exclusive. He had made plans for me to meet his daughter on December 2nd and later in December we started talking about moving in together. He claims that he never went through with it and I have no way to prove otherwise although I'm pretty sure that he did go through with it. The date was November 26, 2912... 2 years ago today. It was the same week as my mothers birthday and Thanksgiving so the dates are hard to forget. Here's what I hate.

I hate that he came to my house on November 19 after picking up a birthday cake for my mom because I had just had surgery. That he was so sweet and spent the evening with us and then went home and made an appointment with a hooker.

I hate that on the day after Thanksgiving (November 23) he sent her an email confirming that she had received his vetting information. That he hoped she'd had a nice holiday and that he was looking forward to meeting her on the 26th. Puke.

I hate that he left my house on the 25th and stopped at the ATM around the corner and took out 1/2 of the money he would need to pay for his "girlfriend experience" (he had taken out the other 1/2 on the 23rd).

I hate that I looked up her website and I know what she looks like and that it makes me feel inadequate.

I hate that I had to look up "girlfriend experience on g-d google because I had no idea what it was. I guess my only consolation was that he didn't buy a "porn star experience".

I hate that I had to take a lorazepam three times this week because of anxiety. I usually take the a couple times a month,

I hate that I don't know for sure if he went and that he hasn't been able to verbalize why he made the appointment. My assumption is "bucket list". That he knew we were going somewhere long term and figured it was the last time to get it out of his system. Not that he's saiid this.., but it's the only thing that makes sense. I know that there have not been any further encounters... I know where all the money is and I take care of the finances but it still hurts like hell. My mothers bday will always be a reminder. Please tell me it gets better, this is the first year that I've known about it's it's the "first" anniversary for me.

ReeseR1 posted 11/29/2014 04:08 AM

Sorry, was duplicate and would like to delete it.

[This message edited by ReeseR1 at 3:26 PM, November 29th (Saturday)]

ReeseR1 posted 11/29/2014 15:16 PM

I have been married for 21 years and almost a year ago caught my WH in an EA (planned on PA) and was told at time he had a ONS 8 years prior. A month ago he confessed to three other affairs and one was 17 years ago - he took a 14 year break from her and had two more three day hook ups. The affairs were mostly in the last 8 years. There were no signs except a little flirting. He said as he felt worse about himself the flirting increased and started crossing line with work colleagues at conferences. And he just never stopped. Some even over lapped. They each were three times together for sex (except 17 year ago AP). Arse was cheating on the women he was cheating on.

I guess the thing I most struggle with is that it feels like our entire life was a lie even thought we've had a really good marriage (sounds like I'm lying, ugh). How do you all - esp those in R - grapple with that thinking. If he can stay in recovery from "sex addiction" we might be able to stay together but am trying to picture how not to think of our life as one big foolish lie. Sigh.

[This message edited by ReeseR1 at 2:28 AM, December 24th (Wednesday)]

remembering posted 11/30/2014 16:31 PM

I have a question- i found out last New Years day of a affair EA and PA this happened 10 yrs ago when my babies were little and I was a full time worker and mom....i am so angry i cant stand it- i am in IC for about a year and it helps but I can not even think about EVER having sex with him---the video of the OW plays thru my head and it repulses me...oh yea- one month after DD he gets sick with cancer---and i have been taking good care of him---my sanity is shaken...any words of advise...how do you have sex with someone who basically pulled the rug from under your feet???

ReeseR1 posted 11/30/2014 21:34 PM

remembering...
I have found some of us are wired differently in that department. After the intitial shock wore off and he told me the EA was over (It wasn't) I was able to resume sex with him. We had always had a healthy sex life (mostly due to me as his drive is lower) of 4-5 times a week. i just wasn't willing to give up my orgasam. That simple for me. but I've always been able to separate sex and daily annoyances (and apparently, betrayal now in semi R).

[This message edited by ReeseR1 at 8:36 AM, December 1st (Monday)]

Trying2LoveAgain posted 12/17/2014 18:56 PM

Has anyone else really found this Forum to be helpful? Seems Noone posts that often & if they do, I don't see much response. My FWH Affair was 26 years ago, I only found out about it 14 months ago. It seems if I post in other Forums, most people don't really "get it"...finding out so many years later. But the times I've posted in here....not much response. Don't feel I "fit" really, in any of these forums..Anyone else feeling this?

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