SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Based on a Reddit post, I've been wondering for quite some time which is worse.

What if she cheats on me but receives money or gifts in return?

Emotionally, I feel that this is worse, but

rationally, I think it's worse if she spread her legs "for free."

What do you think?

I'll edit: What if she jeopardized your relationship for free.

[This message edited by Shino at 6:10 AM, Friday, January 2nd]

might depend if the exchange was considered a quid pro quo vs they had sex and AP gave gifts without explicit exchange

I find this post very offensive and misogynistic.

A man can be a prostitute.

Receiving gifts does not make one a prostitute.

Pretty sure this is a troll just trying to stir the pot. Can we report it?

WTH kind of incel 💩 is this? Seriously!

Let’s give this new poster the benefit of doubt on the goals for his question. So far no guideline has been broken – but Shino – your question could have been answered in a non-gender biased format. That’s also how I’m going to answer it, because both genders can become sex-workers and couples can be of the same gender.
As a favor – go check the introduction page for this site and the guidelines.

Infidelity is not "simply" your partner having sex with someone else. It’s betrayal, the going behind the back, the stepping out of expected boundaries and rules to a union. Of course, we might have different "levels" of betrayal causing various levels of issues and pain. For example – your self-confessed drunk kissing of someone other than your wife... that IS infidelity, and your partner would be terribly pained to witness or know of it. But it might be "less" than waling in on you having sex with someone else or discovering an ongoing long-term affair.
How pained? Well... we have couples here that have reconciled from multiple affairs, long-term affairs and all that. We also have posters here who have separated/divorced over emotional affairs, ONS, and one because her husband patted a random woman’s behind. Pain can be relative, and each person’s borders are their own.

Being a sex-worker without your partners knowledge... that IS stepping out of the expected boundaries of a union. Just like being a secret assassin or paying for your lifestyle by embezzling your place of work. Career choice, place and type of work... these are all basic factors in what couples should be aware of.

If your spouse came to you and suggested they do sex-work for a couple of years so you two can reach your financial goals quicker... that would be a mutual decision. Just like deciding whether to join a sex-club or having an open marriage. Once the decision is mutual... it’s no longer infidelity per se.

Discovering your partner is secretly working as a sex-worker behind your back... well... I don’t see how that would hurt any less than discovering any other form of infidelity.

Answer your own question: When you were making out with that woman – were you jeopardizing YOUR relationship for free?

Bigger,

No offense, but only a man would even entertain this. It is so extremely offensive that it should violate some guidelines. 🤬

Shino, you have a PM

I don't know what the problem is.

Would you think it's worse if your wife committed infidelity because she got money or gifts out of it?
Or do you think it would be "less harmful"

This issue is on my mind for quite some time now.

I wanted to hear some opinions.

I think that most WS get the gift of validation from their affair. They have sex to receive validation, ego kibbles etc. Sex may or may not be an added benefit depending on the situation but it usually is a benefit too. Emotional support is another layer that happens in some A as well of course. It seems that with women the chance is higher than with men that validation is the number one reason for the A, sex sometimes being a distant second. I do think men crave validation too, btw, but many men likely put more or kinkier sex first.

I don't really think getting validation is prostituting oneself in a technical sense but more than one WW here at SI have used that term to describe their own behavior. "I whored myself out for compliments" as an example.

I have never seen a case where someone literally has an A for money or material gifts but I suppose that has happened too. Does anyone remember a case like that? Does sleeping with your boss count? Because that has happened many times of course.

I wonder if your question is coming from your feeling your partner doesn’t value the relationship?

In my situation, my husband told me that he didn’t feel any romantic emotions at all with six of his affair partners. The 7th one was an emotional affair, and in that case he said that yes, he felt limerence, but it all evaporated on DDay which told him that it was never anything real, but kind of a head game he had going on in his mind.

I told him that his not feeling anything for his APs didn’t really help me feel better, because it made me think he was willing to risk our relationship for nothing of any consequence to him? So basically, he was placing our relationship BELOW something that was meaningless to him - and that makes me think he doesn’t value our marriage at all.

I guess having money enter the conversation makes it a business transaction, not much more - that is if she did "charge a fee" in exchange for sexual acts.

Prostitution is just that - a business transaction in which one person charges a fee for sex acts with another person.

An affair, in which two people may exchange gifts, or in which one person pays for meals or other activities, is not prostitution. An affair is an extramarital relationship with another person that may or may not involve sex. It doesn’t involve pay-to-participate transactions as prostitution would.

In the same way you may purchase gifts for your partner, and maybe a few hours/days later you have sex, an exchange of gifts is not a singular indication of prostitution. Prostitution involves an explicit agreement - you pay x, you get y.

Shino, have you experienced infidelity first hand? The front page of the website says: "All who have been impacted by infidelity are welcome here, even the betraying partner, provided they are remorseful and committed to healing." I think traditionally that means being the WS or BS in a relationship as opposed to a curious person. Perhaps the mods will clarify. Curiosity is valid but there’s a different dynamic when you have been directly involved and I think that’s what this site dedicated to.

The problem is in your wording and the one-sided nature of your post.

It's disrespectful to women, misogynistic. It feels like you're talking about women as things, possibly property.

[Bigger,

No offense, but only a man would even entertain this. It is so extremely offensive that it should violate some guidelines.

X1000

Let’s give this new poster the benefit of doubt on the goals for his question.

Like really? Lets say it's okay to be a misogynistic offensive pig, because hey it was just worded badly.

When you cheated on your wife, did the OW pay you?

@Pippin:
Yes I have.

@5Decades:

"Prostitution involves an explicit agreement - you pay x, you get y."

This is exactly what I am talking about.

That's why I used that word.

@Mod. Is it okay to insult people here as Pigs?

[This message edited by Shino at 9:51 AM, Saturday, January 3rd]

Shino,

Why is this on your mind? Is it in any way relevant to something you went through or experienced? I think everyone is reacting the way they are because the nature of your interest seems a little voyeuristic, and is loaded with terms that charge up the male/female dynamic.

That said,

Im a little incredulous at the pearl clutching. It is not uncommon for betrayed wives on here to have been traumatized deeply by wayward husbands who paid for sex. The specific nature of that injury merits discussion, and resentment towards male attitudes towards sex and how they are unhealthy and damaging are totally merited. I dont think anyone would disagree with that.

In my situation, my wife certainly regarded one of the affair partners to have paid her for sexual access. He was a married man, hustling a bartender behind his wifes back. My wife was interested in the "sugar daddy/splenda daddy" concept around this time, and was probably just playing along with this Ap’s misogynistic concepts of power and control.

She had other affair partners with whom this wasnt true. So I experienced both dynamics that Shino is talking about.

For me, it mattered very little. Theres no difference in pain. No more or less meaning to it. hurt the same. I kind of think it said more about the AP than my wife.

You know, experiencing these things puts us at odds with our place in the world and our relationship with sexuality. Sufferers of betrayal coming away with a hint of man or woman hating are grappling with a deep and awful trauma that they didnt choose. I struggle to be as mobilized against their reaction as I feel more for the pain that brought it. Its hard to go through this without resenting someone.

Is it misandry to resent men for transactionalizing sex? Is it misogyny to resent women for doing the same? I dont know the answer, its more an opinion thing. But there probably shouldnt be a double standard.

Shino,

So, I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt, and even go further than that.

I am going to assume you have a wayward wife who actually became a sex worker or "prostitute".

An approach to looking at this is "how do I view sexual relationships and how does my partner view them?"

There are as many views of sexual behavior as there are people on the planet.

I tend to think of them in categories, honestly. My categories include but are not limited to:

-Sex is a business transaction, one person benefits physically and the other benefits financially
-Sex is a romantic expression between two people - both people benefit physically and emotionally in a positive way
-Sex is power - one person benefits from power and control, the other does not benefit at all and may even be victimized and abused (think rape and sexual assault here)
-Sex is a non-emotional transaction between two people - both consent, both benefit physically, there is no emotional investment on either side
-Sex is only "moral" inside a marriage covenant, period
-Sex is only "moral" inside a committed relationship
-Sex is totally okay regardless of the circumstances as long as both are consenting adults.

These are just a few of the sexual relationships that I notice occurring in my western society. There are many more, of course, but these seem the most frequent to my untrained observer eyes.

In your partner’s case, her view may be that sex is a transaction with some people. It may be emotional with others. In the case of transactional sex, I have seen people describe it as "sex for the sake of sex".

Prostitution monetizes it, and generally takes the pleasure out of the act when it comes to the person being paid. That said, it is possible that this is a type of "kink" in some cases, and the person being paid may gain some pleasure in that aspect if this is the case.

So, let’s hear your story.

You have asked the question - tell us the background of why you’re here. Maybe we can help.

@Mod. Is it okay to insult people here as Pigs?

https://survivinginfidelity.com/forums/guidelines/.

Another question that shouldn't need to be asked. This is a discussion group. How can name-calling contribute to moving a discussion forward?

*****

Why do you focus on unfaithful women when studies show men are more likely to cheat? (Check the General Social Survey.)

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:10 PM, Saturday, January 3rd]

I think if a spouse acted as a prostitute in secret it would remove any and all "crime of passion" in their motive. It would be fully intentional, rationally thought out, and as a betrayed spouse you would have to wrestle with that.

Is that what happened to you?