SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Today marks 3 years since I first found about my WS's LTA. Current status is that we're slooooowly working toward a divorce, and I live separately for most of the week. Most nearby friends and immediate family are now aware that we're divorcing, but only a few know why.

On most days, the thought of getting divorced brings me a great sense of relief, but today and last Sunday (our wedding anniversary) have mostly brought grief. Grief that this is how 30 years of partnership is ending. Grief that, at 50 years old, it's too late to have a "do over" of my life and a real life-long love with someone. Grief that my heart still feels numb and empty when I think about that kind of thing.

WS has unleashed his true self over the past couple months - diving headfirst into his latest hobby, making new friends, staying out late to drink and smoke cigars, spending way more than I'm comfortable with. It all serves to convince me that I'm making the right choice in leaving him. He tried hard to moderate his tendencies for a few months after I told him I'm moving out in an attempt to win me back, but I suspected it wouldn't last.

I know it's his business now, and it really shouldn't bother me, but it does add fuel to grieving. To see how I supported his hobbies, kept his worst tendencies in check, helped him build a nest egg, and more - and yet, he decided (twice!) that he was in love with someone else. I'm not sure I'll ever stop feeling brokenhearted about it.

The wounds run deep. I had a one-and-done attitude about marriage. I was raised to believe that conflicts can be worked out, but even my parents say what he did is a bridge too far.

Today, I'm feeling raw. Tomorrow, hopefully the scabs will be back, but today, it really hurts.

Proceed with utmost caution tempered with the advice of an old experienced "shark" divorce attorney.

Never cared one bit for cigar smokers - like they don't give a sxxt about those around them who have to share the air.

Grief that, at 50 years old, it's too late to have a "do over" of my life and a real life-long love with someone.

You absolutely can have a do-over at 50 and meet the real life-long love with someone. I don't believe there is only one person who would be my soulmate. Not only did I meet someone at 50 he's been the best partner I've had and has treated me better than anyone has in my entire 52 years on this planet. Even if it doesn't work out I'm glad to have had this experience with him. I do hope that he will be the last partner I have in life but as we all know life can be unpredictable.

So don't sell yourself short there are lots of great people out there and you have a lot of living to do now ;)

I get the no do overs part. That was a huge reason I stayed early on after learning of my husband’s LTA. Yes, I know that it’s never too late to fall in love again and find a great partner. But the no do over is the fact that you can’t do it all over with the father of your children. You won’t grow old together rocking grand babies. I had and still have zero desire to share that gift with anyone but him nor do I have it in me to pretend anyone else’s kids or grandkids will mean as much to me as my own do. I realize that sounds very selfish, but it’s honest. 🤷‍♀️ so I am here to say, I get that sadness and I am sorry you have to feel it. 😢 I am also sorry that your husband didn’t step up and mend himself and your marriage.

But the no do over is the fact that you can’t do it all over with the father of your children. You won’t grow old together rocking grand babies.

This is what I meant, too, Not that I couldn't fall in love with someone again (though right now it 100% feels I couldn't, I know feelings can change).

We got married pretty young, in our early 20s, and I really thought I would grow old with this person at my side. The loss of that future is compounded by the loss of my health - no more bike rides, or hikes, or travel adventures - so that's another future I've been mourning. The two have overlapped these past 5 years, and it's taken a big mental toll. I'm gradually pulling out of it, and most days, I have a will to live again. I think (hope?) that will get even better after the divorce is finalized and the kid goes off to college. At that point, I should be able to reduce my contact with WS (I can't say "stbx" because it's probably going to take another year at least).

We are on such similar timelines. My 3 year DD is in exactly 10 days. I am still married, barely, but have com VERY close to divorce the past year and most days I stil think I am heading that way in the near future. I've had the house valued by a realtor and I've started telling some close friends I believe I might be heading for D. I'm also a one and done kind of person with M. Just wanted to check in and say I'm sorry you are hurting and I hope the future brings you peace and happiness.

What’s holding back on just getting this over?
It really sounds like you have accepted that the marriage is over, that there is no or limited will on his behalf to reconcile and it doesn’t really sound like you have any wish to either. Your kids know, your friends (that matter) know your marriage is in a rut... Why not just pull the trigger and get this over with?

spending way more than I'm comfortable with.

Keep in mind that you could end up funding his excessive spending... Either in the form of possible shared debt, or by him legally eating away at savings – diminishing whatever assets would otherwise be part of the marital pot.
Also – keep in mind that the longer this takes the more likely it might become that he can move around or deplete assets that would otherwise be marital.

If you were my sister I would be telling you this – and I would probably be reminding you every day until I see action being taken:
Do some quick online research about divorce in your state/country. Don’t pretend to understand the details – you mainly want to know what the next steps are, sort-of know what to expect and what documentation and information your soon-to-be attorney might require.
Even if your state offers mediation then don’t see that as a no-attorney situation. It’s rather a less-attorney situation, with less cost and no court-time. A mediator is looking for resolving a situation – they want their solution to be fair-enough to pass a judge without more review. Only needs to be "fair enough".
You want at least an attorney to act as a sounding board before accepting any offers made in mediation. At the least – you two might sit down with a mediator and hammer out some agreement, but before you sign anything you take that agreement to your legal counsel and have it approved as fair for you.

Bigger, sorry, I wasn't clear - I am 100% getting a divorce. We are meeting with a mediator next week, and we've already filled out the worksheets. I said "slooooowly working toward a divorce" because every step is taking about five times as long as I hoped it would. I wanted to do all of the paperwork through legal channels rather than on our own, and that has slowed down the process. Putting the brakes on his spending will be a topic of discussion with the mediator for sure, as will the question of how quickly we can legally separate our finances.

NoThanks, my heart breaks for you and your situation.

Unfortunately, we all here know too well that infidelity is " the gift that keeps on giving"

Im glad that you're divorcing.

Many hugs sent your way.