SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So we are almost 3 years out from DD. In the middle of A season at the moment which hasn't been very triggering at all this year luckily.

We live in a really small town and WH still works at the same place as AP (I've written extensively on this before and how he has applied for tens of jobs over the years and is still actively looking every single week), but I have been lucky enough to only see her once before. That time was a complete and utter disaster. We were less than one year out and we never looked straight at each other, just got stuck in the same restaurant. I had a major panic attack, started weeping and WH lost it and did not handle it well. Almost broke us. Major hickup for our R.

Today we were out hiking and I was, for once, not wired for look out as I usually am in any popular spots in our town. The thought never even crossed my mind so I wasn't keeping a watchful eye. So when we were suddenly head on each other, on the road walking towards each other, we were already close once I noticed her.

WH was looking out at the view to the side and kept staring that way. He claims he never even saw her and at least feigned not understanding what I was talking about when I muttered 'perfect' once she passed. Can't be entirely sure if he really didn't notice (wouldn't be surprised to be honest he's often unattentive with noticing people we know out and about etc) or if he's lying. Either way, he looked away and never at her, so he either ignored her or didn't notice her. I looked straight at her but was wearing sunglasses so she could not see my eyes. She was looking straight at us with a tight stiff lip. But she didn't look away either which sort of provoked me. I feel like she should feel some shame and look away and not stare straight at us. I'm wondering a bit about this, why she did that.

I'm glad I was wearing sunglasses, and I'm glad to notice that although I did have a slight meltdown with a few tears immediately after and we started bickering due to that (WH still not good with theses moments when he goes into major shame), but compared to last time it was about 10% of the reaction in me. I did not panic, at all. I'll take that as a win. I hate that his A has turned my beloved home town into a mine field that still can send me into a spiral many years after just from seeing a person on the same road.

Not sure where I'm going with this but just needed to rant about this to the only people on the planet that seem to get things like this. It might also be that one reason I reacted so little is that I am no longer really fighting for our R. At the moment I'm just waiting and watching and can't be bothered much any ways. Either way, it was a fly in my soup to see her today, but no more than that.

Edited for typos.

[This message edited by Miserylikescompany at 9:17 AM, Sunday, September 14th]

Wow, you handled yourself extraordinarily well composed. I have no idea how I might have managed that moment. Kuddos

Be proud of yourself. You didn’t react.

And it is possible she was just as unglued at the thought of seeing you both.

I remember reading your account of seeing the OW at the restaurant when you discussed it earlier. I discussed your WH’s response with my WH at the time. Today we discussed your update.

My WH spent years dealing with my triggers in the same way that your WH does -until I grew a spine and insisted that he listen and discuss and learn about them. He also carries a lot of shame. Today, though, I suggested that he used anger basically to squelch what he perceived as dissent within the marriage. He did this not out of shame, but because anger was just more easily accessible to him and shame requires dredging up. (And also anger worked, until I insisted that he listen.)

You have clearly grown a lot in your ability to manage your response to unwelcome contact! This is worth celebrating!

Thanks everyone for cheering for me, this is why I posted, I knew people in this community would get what a huge win 'only' a few tears and a slight meltdown actually is after all this trauma.

My WH spent years dealing with my triggers in the same way that your WH does -until I grew a spine and insisted that he listen and discuss and learn about them. He also carries a lot of shame. Today, though, I suggested that he used anger basically to squelch what he perceived as dissent within the marriage. He did this not out of shame, but because anger was just more easily accessible to him and shame requires dredging up. (And also anger worked, until I insisted that he listen.)

I did in fact insist we talk about it, and that's what started the bickering for the rest of our hike which basically ended with him saying for the millionth time that I am never going to forget/forgive/let this go so we may have to D. Classic
I have the whole time we've been trying to R insisted he not shut down, leave the room etc, I have chased him down, forced him to have conversations because he is the most avoidant person imaginable. But this never works. Giving him space to come back himself, hasn't worked either. He never comes back to it, ever. And this is why I am pretty checked out at the moment and quite prepared for this to end in D in the not so far future unless he suddenly wakes up (not holding my breath).

My WH has always done exactly the same as you mention. Squelched any dissent, any bad feelings (his or mine or anyone else's) in any way possible. He cannot handle them, at all. If he can ot run away from the situation (leaving the room, shutting down etc etc etc) he will turn to anger and will resort to saying hurtful things just to 'make it stop'. We have discussed this, extensively in MC, he knows he does this, he did it befor he met me, he did it all our M befor the A, he has not managed to stop doing it though and after almost 3 years I'm just fed up with it.

Which makes yesterday an even bigger win for me personally, I managed my emotions well not with the support of my WH, but even though he again did not manage to be any type of support for me but in fact made it worse. So good for me.

Yes. well done.

I'm not sure she didn't feel the shame she earned. You saw her lip stiffen but didn't see her eyes.

Some people just brazen it out. That's what I think she did. You have great self control. I would have spit on her. And yes....I would have, I'm that type.

Aside from my personal aggressiveness and bile (people don't mess with me twice), I'd like you to consider how you exorcise this ghost. She is kind of a ghost who haunts your relationship and then she pops up once in a blue moon because you live in or around the same area. The ghost manifests on occasion. This is a big topic for a lot of people. Many people handle it by moving, which can be a great thing if you can do it, but many can not or don't want to, and even if you move, there can still be triggers. If you see someone who looks like her for example.

I think there might be different ways of exorcising this kind of haunting....I'm using kind of metaphysical terms but you know what I mean. One thing I might do (again I am an aggressive, physical person), I might set up a punching bad with a picture of her on it and beat the crap out of it. Or maybe have one of those plastic archery things, set up a picture of her and shoot at it. This is not about physically hurting her, it's about giving you a practical outlet for your anger and hurt ABOUT HER. I think emotions can become real things IN THE BODY ITSELF and that if you can get it out of your body through some way, it might help your mind and emotions and you might feel less if you do encounter her, or have less anticipatory anxiety (as you must at times be afraid of seeing her). I strongly recommend getting your anger at her and about her out of your system in some way that obviously doesn't hurt her or someone else, but just gives it a focus and an actual release. Too often we are told to forgive, forgive, but this is neither practical nor possible for most people - it's just bullshit that keeps people helpless and sad.
Consider this, you don't really even have to share it with your husband although he might see it, but getting your anger and hurt out viscerally and consciously might be helpful to you. Need to open that steam valve!

As for your husband, MLC....well, you know this but I'll say it anyway. He is what he is. You can't change him. I don't believe people really change anyway - not basic personality traits. That would take nothing short of imminent death or a religious conversion. He can change his behavior which is tough enough, but not his personality. He is what he is. Same with my husband. There's a lot of things I'd like to change but I have to work around them because....that's who he is. So I think we have to figure out - CAN I LIVE WITH THIS (in my case I have to because I ill health and little money) and work around it, or is this going to be a continuing problem I just can't live with. In that case, divorce is best for both of you because it would be aggravating you and tormenting him, frankly, if he cannot change. At some point, we either accept a person or situation for what they are, or make the decision that I want something or someone different, and move on.

Do you know or understand why he cheated in the first place? Was it just an opportunity that occurred or was there anything deeper in it? Maybe he is also having problems interacting with you or being himself in a way that is not clear to you yet. It's very hard to understand others in general and even our own spouses can be like a vast mystery to us that we infuse with our own ideas and beliefs. We may not see each other accurately at all.

OMG….you had such composure. I ran into OW ALL THE TIME - usually once or twice a week. But, usually without FWH. I later discovered that it was intentional on her part….the stalker.

One time during an encounter on a trail while running, I literally screamed out FXXX You with every ounce of my breath. Not my proudest moment….but it felt good at the time. Mine was a double betrayal. Thankfully, now, it has been a couple of years since the last time we had a run in. I’m hopeful, that now she’ll also be a fly in my soup in my beloved home town.

I don’t know all of your story. I only come back here once in a while now. What do you mean you’re no longer fighting for R? In my case, I told FWH he’d have to drive that bus, because I was too busy fighting for my life. My desire to do the superhuman work ebbed and flowed, as well. Thankfully he did AND found us a great MC. FWH used to bring up D in conflicts pre-A. Early post DDay he would get weary of the work IF it was going to end in D. We both did. We both had to agree not to use the D word if there was a still a small chance of R. That proved helpful to us.

I’m sorry you’re here. It is so incredibly difficult surviving an A. I will say, that 7 years out, we have such a better marriage for the work we both did.