SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So I truly understand the full meaning of this now. Some on here know my story. It’s been 4 years and 3 months since DDay and for that whole time my WW just wouldn’t engage in "doing the work". The roller coaster ride these last 4 years has been quite the top notch thrill ride I must say, not for the faint of heart. After our last big tussle at the end of April, she finally agreed that we need couples counseling to work on our communication skills. It was sort of a back door attempt that my IC and I discussed to try and get my WW to learn that therapy is not the dangerous place she thinks it is in the hopes that maybe she would engage in IC of her own. We were supposed to be fine July 14 but last Friday, I had a few triggers that kind of put me in "the sad zone". When I came home from work she was obviously pissed about something. Short blunt answers to questions about what plans we had for the weekend, staring at a magazine while aggressively flipping through the pages while obviously not reading them. I gave her some cool down time as when she’s in this state no positive results come out of a conversation.

Well, she went walkabout until Sunday morning when I asked her what I did to make her so angry. She said she could see I’m not happy and says I’ll never be happy with her. I told her I have forgiven her for the actual affair, I needed this for myself to get past it, but my current hang up is that it makes me sad, and resentment is slowly building in me because she won’t do any work. I need her to be a safe partner. We haven’t shared a bed since DDay, that makes me feel lonely and sad, when I have triggers, instead of supporting me she gets angry and emotionally abusive. In our relationship, as long as I am currently in a happy state and providing love to her, we are good, but if I fall into any form of "visibly and emotionally not happy", she gets mad at me and becomes distant.

My grandfather had an old saying in construction, "It’s not a fuck up unless it can’t be fixed!" For our relationship I need for her to show me some work, ANY work, any sign that she values me and/or our relationship. When I suggested counseling, this forum in the wayward support section, reading books, watching videos, etc, she responded with "there’s nothing I’ll ever be able to do that will make you happy", I told her that just trying anything would go a long way toward that. She stood up and walked away.

Im hoping we can come to terms in an estate settlement and I’ll file for a dissolution ASAP. If she stalls me out on moving forward with this I’ll file for D. I’m done! When you know, you know.

Four years is a long time to be living like you have been.

You deserve better.

Just be prepared for her last minute "let’s go get some professional help" attempt to stop the D. I believe you will recognize it’s a stall tactic as she’s not "all in" to actually engage to help you heal or make amends.

She may think (as cheaters often do) that even after Dday they still control things. It’s shocking to them when they learn they don’t.

Best of luck to you and just know you deserve better than the few crumbs you’ve gotten.

You’ve been extremely patient with your WW. Four years is sufficient time for her to look inwards and try to change for the better. As you move forward with dissolution, do not make the mistake of engaging and arguing with her. The time for this has passed. Learn to be a greyrock. Learn the phrase: "I’m sorry you feel that way." Always value yourself. Work to build a great new beginning for you. Good luck.

It sounds like she is using you as a supply to make her feel better about her actions. There doesn't seem to be much accountability on her side.

I have often believed that when you know it will be beyond the shadow of a doubt.
It sounds like you are there.
I wish you the best.

Catastrophizing is the other size of minimizing.

It's a way to avoid accountability. "Nothing will ever be good enough to erase, so why should I even try?" It's absolute nonsense and I feel for you. My wife used similar lines before she finally got it, which was shortly after I asked for a divorce in writing.

If you go for the D, we support you. If she magically gets it and starts putting in the work after you ask for a D, at least I won't judge you at all for changing your mind.

This0is0fine,
Wheels are in motion. She would have to move mountains at this point. She would have to dive in deep into IC and actually be able to present well thought out progress and findings for me to even consider it. Honestly, I think I’d rather end the marriage and if things worked out later where she did begin to "get it" then we could always get back together. I just wouldn’t ever remarry her. I’ll NEVER get married again.

It sounds like she is using you as a supply to make her feel better about her actions. There doesn't seem to be much accountability on her side.

She has shown maybe 1% accountability. She’s still looking for justifications for the affair and she occasionally seeks out those who will side with her on those justifications. No ownership whatsoever.

Sorry, CMB. Truly, when you know, you know. We'll walk with you through this.

Copingmybest:

She has shown maybe 1% accountability. She’s still looking for justifications for the affair and she occasionally seeks out those who will side with her on those justifications. No ownership whatsoever.

Translation:

"I don't respect you anymore and don't want to be married to you but I'm to chicken to start the process . . ."

It’s true that when you know, you know. Doesn’t make it easy and it doesn’t make it less sad, but there is a peace that comes with it..

I am sorry that it came to this, but I hope that you find the peace and contentment that you need.

Also true in my situation. It took me way too long to get here - and, I'm surprised sometimes that I feel this way. My WS is not all in. At some point, that mattered and I needed to know why he wasn't all in. But now, I feel that it just is. Life doesn't always give you the answer or the result that you hoped for.

[This message edited by icangetpastthis at 12:03 PM, Sunday, June 29th]

It’s true that when you know, you know. Doesn’t make it easy and it doesn’t make it less sad, but there is a peace that comes with it..

This was a very astute statement. It was very strange how once it hit me, it did feel like a ton of weight came off my shoulders.

Hi Coping.

In my experience people only change when the pain of staying where you are is worse than that pain to make the change.

At a minimum, I wanted to understand why I did what I did. It brought out so much pain for both of us I couldn’t fathom why I wanted to do any of it. This is where the work starts, when someone gets curious bout themselves. Wants to heal. Wants to break patterns and do better.

Seeing you are serious about divorce, and she still doesn’t want to take accountability I think you have been a patient saint to have stayed married another four years.

This is her relationship with herself when she says she will never be or do enough. She believes that she can’t stretch and grow, or at the least fears it. You are right to know you can’t keep going while that is her position.

I think you have been a patient saint to have stayed married another four years.

I’ve felt this in my heart for a while but I would always dismiss it because for me to feel this way seemed to much like I was identifying as a martyr.

This is her relationship with herself when she says she will never be or do enough. She believes that she can’t stretch and grow, or at the least fears it. You are right to know you can’t keep going while that is her position.

I can see this is something she struggles with. I’ve tried for over 4 years to help her with this but to no avail. Last Sunday when she told me this I knew 100% that this relationship was over. It was a very sad day but at the same time a huge relief.

I have always appreciated all of your wisdom Hikingout. You are one of the cornerstones of this support forum and thank my lucky stars that you are here to help lead us out of the darkness. Words can’t truly describe how thankful I am for your presence here!

Oh thanks- but I learn way more than I give here.

I am sorry it didn’t go in the direction you wanted, but I do not see any other sne way to view this. It’s her issue, and the sad part is if she would allow that curiosity, the person who benefits the most from that work would be her.

I have some idea she has banked on you never ending it. Best wishes to you and navigating the days, weeks, and months ahead.

Hikingout, I think you are correct in your assessment that she didn’t believe I wouldn’t end it. In the past, she was always able to toss me some crumbs of kindness and foster just enough hope in me that she could eventually change. I think she was hoping to wear me down into submission to where I’d settle for the status quo. But what she hasn’t learned it that when the BS gets into heavy duty IC and really learns their own self worth, our need for someone who doesn’t appreciate us drops off exponentially. I don’t think it has really hit her that hard yet as to the reality of my acceptance that this marriage is dead and never be revived now. I can walk away with my integrity and my head held high that I did everything in my power to try and save the relationship. I’ve honestly been thinking that she isn’t really happy in this marriage. I believe she is bored and would like more excitement so she just remains content. She has consistently lacked the ability to foresee the future and she always tells me she’s just living for "the now". I wish her the best in that realm but I am looking to the future.

I get it.

There have been a couple of situations over my lifetime where I have had to take some really big and serious decisions. Usually there was some buildup where I had time to contemplate the options, and there was a lot of internal turmoil and doubt reaching a decision. But once the decision was made... I felt a sense of acceptance and peace.

There is no requirement that we reconcile a marriage. It’s only an option, and only one that works if both partners want it and work for it.

Congratulations on your choice. It’s not what you originally wanted, but it will get you out of unhappiness.

Bigger,
You are absolutely right. You’ve a little hard on me from time to time and I appreciate that. While I always had my eye on the prize (successful reconciliation), friends like you kept me grounded and always made sure I didn’t stay complacent. Thank you my friend.