SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My WS has been couch surfing for a month while he waits for his new apt. This really has helped me calm down my nervous system and get perspective.

He is going to take our daughter back to college so it was decided he could stay in the basement apt. One night and then 4 days before he moves to get his stuff organized ( and he works from home so a lot to do) I will most likely stay with a friend or sister out of town.

Last night we sat and talked. He at first was downstairs and giving me space and to be respectful but I invited him up and we talked. He said no excuse but while Covid was the first trigger that pushed him over the edge (Porn then escorts) I forgot he had Covid again in Oct and that is the time frame for the relapse again. Again, not an excuse but he had Covid very badly in 2022 and is still in treatment for neurological issues . So it’s and explanation of what pushed him but not an excuse. He is in AL Anon …he had an an abusive childhood and is learning about addiction and a solid therapist. He screened with a csat but for now it doesn’t appear to be an addiction full blown - it’s "Episodic" Crazy how many men white knuckle through life not feeling, talking or trusting…..He is very remorseful nd always has been. He told me about his occasional porn use during our marriage when he travelled….( 25 yrs married 50% travel) and how it escalated. When DDay happened he was 1000% remorseful and for 10 months all was well…..while I healed….then a relapse. He looks awful. Thin. Sad and miserable

It kind of messed with my mind. So easy to fall back into empathy for someone you love who has harmed you. I have a strong personality but also I’m very empathetic and believe in change but also am focusing on myself and don’t want to get sucked back in. I can’t keep going through this. I spoke with my therapist and her advise- keep focusing on myself and the separation must be 6 months before I even consider sitting down with him. In the meantime we have a mediator for a separation agreement ~and I’m up this morning reminding myself to keep my distance. No "fixing" he is capable of all this……

[This message edited by SatyaMom at 11:58 AM, Saturday, March 15th]

Ah Satya, of course it hurts being misled, and then the delayed pain from your efforts to seek explanations for something the offender doesn't want to admit, either! (There's that principle again: no contact equals no new pain).

Gently, may I offer you my impression on this version of his problem timeline? If your WH is at all like mine, over years to come, you can and should expect to hear ever-more-extensive "truth bits" from him. As of now, you are taking care of yourself not to be wasting more of your life waiting for his healing.... People who hide will hold back a portion of their sordid story until they gauge you can "accept" it. So right now, you likely do not know the extent of his porn habit nor his twisted thinking processes, and the unfortunate part is, that he cannot even be expected to open up about all of it yet to anyone, when he will be in denial himself for much of what he did and blocked out due to his shame. That's the horror of this.

I know this scenario so well, as for 5 years or more, I got the same never-varying timeline from my SAWH about the number of extramarital sexual encounters he'd done. His "confession" never, but NEVER changed, to where I was comfortable I had "his truth." Until one day, digging out a piece of his carry-on luggage he hadn't used for over FIVE YEARS, for some reason I decided to check all the zipper pouches on it. Not even sure why I felt like doing that. Well, lo and behold, what did I find but a seedy out-of-town massage parlor receipt DATED ONE YEAR EARLIER than when he'd been vowing to me for FIVE YEARS that such behaviors started! I cannot overstate the damage that did to my heart and mind. Bad enough they cheated. Accept it as fact and don't listen to the explanations, it's just an insidious way to inflict pain on yourself. I know I sure did that to myself by wanting to believe I had the whole story...

Please do not attempt to create more of a feeling of personal trust with someone like this than should be expected. I agree with your IC about needing a minimum of a lot more time away from this emotional see-saw. It is time to stop entertaining his woes and concentrate more on healing the wounds in yourself from all of his callous behavior.

Carry on! And (((Hugs)))

Hi Satya,

Superesse has given you some great advice. I don't really have much to add. Just wanted to say hang in there.

I’m really looking forward..__whatever forward is…..

I still believe in healing and I know all our situations are unique…..i still believe Covid was the start of this downward spiral. Covid affected a lot of people in different ways and I saw the transformation….so here we are. ( I do feel a little pissy when people discount this…..but I know my truth.)

Ex: had lunch with a friend who is recently divorced after 30 yrs of marriage with infidelity……her WS started in with his behaviors after serving in the Gulf Wars…..and he was verbally and physically abusive along with the I fidelity. Divorce, no contact, and he squandered off with no contact with adult kids…

My WS fully admits his responsibility and wrong doing and is in deep work to understand how he ended up back here….he has a timeline and only he knows truly his shift from Covid. He had years of built up depression and anxiety from an abusive childhood and wherever you go , there you are. Point is he is working, for now- a solid relationship with young adult kids ( finally spoke to our son) and is doing his part to make sure we are ok ( no fight over house etc…..). Of course I’m still getting things sorted legally. He is saying he’s not giving up on us and he will get better and show us ( we shall see ). I am not sure I’m interested…..too late ? I have little contact …until this weekend but I can see his pain and effort

My point-we can support each other without reverting to our own situations and deflecting that that is just the way "They are" I have a sister who has been sober for 22 years…..never had a relapse. People can heal. I don’t know if it will happen here or even how I will feel once I’ve healed…..but for now- here we are

When I was going through all the worst of my discoveries after 2002, there were no internet support groups I ever came across specifically for betrayed spouses of guys who used prostitutes. It wasn't until 2017, 15 years after my horrible D-Day 1, that I discovered this great website. Finally, here I found a few other wives who'd lived the kind of crazy this particular form of infidelity brings with it. Not the kind of infidelity where they profess their "lurve" for another, but the kind of Infidelity where they actually seem to love you to death, cling like a tick, will do ANYTHING to save their broken Marriage, only to act out in the most heartless, insane way behind your back whenever they take a fancy.

So here on SI, under I Can Relate, there are 2 forums, Spouses of Sex Addicts and Emotionless Infidelity. Both forums were/are useful case histories even though neither is very active lately. I just wish I had been counselled with what I try to share here, but from 2002 to 2017, no peer support group online I came across was able to offer me feedback based on my posts like I have tried to offer you.

I didn't live in an area with SAnon groups. All I knew to do - short of Divorce - was order a lot of books on the topic, spend a ton of time doing online research, go back to school to study abnormal psychology, participate for years on a Marriage forum (which didn't help me as most of it was irrelevant to EI) and after D-Day 2, got him to sign a property settlement agreement. I was on the floor emotionally for years! Yet all during those years, I kept refusing to believe the man I chose to M would really prove to be so seriously screwed up as some of the others I'd read about. Except I was wrong. Just don't want that outcome for anyone else.

Looking back, what I see now is the power of the narrative I kept telling myself: that what I wanted to see happen for him, for us, would eventually be realized when he would heal the character defects he brought with him, had admitted to, repented of, and sought counseling for, etc., etc.

Wouldn't that have been the best outcome? Of course it would have been...at least for him, it would have been. After his 2014 arrest for soliciting, he saw 2 CSATs on the advice of his defense attorney, primarily to show the sentencing judge how he was "turning it around." That also did no good, as he eventually - we're talking years and years later - re-offended with more lies, further broken pledges, and more hidden internet porn. All would always be revealed by my accidental discovery of dishonesty.

So, if my examples paint too sad of a picture to share, even as a warning, I wouldn't really blame anyone for rejecting them.

So……spent the weekend in the same house. Found myself wanting comfort from him……but also knowing for my own health distance is best. I guess I can only say…..I’m continuing to focus on myself. I’m hopeful. I still believe him when he says it was the one summer of acting out but yes he has major issues of secrecy and this recent time again showed that. He’s gone and I’m back to ME and where life leads. Time will telll

I'm glad you're focusing on you. You're worth it.

Leafields- thank u…..I know this, it’s just a transition on when you’ve been caring for a family for 25 yrs but slowly my nervous system is settling…and I’m feeling better. I bought myself a new car ! That felt good :)

Awesome! I hope you're going to plan an epic road trip to celebrate you. Have some fun.

Just adding my positive thoughts for you. This is big progress, and I'm cheering for you!

Thank you Arnold1! I sometimes feel very judged on here…..I’m just finding my way.

Satya,

Nobody’s judging. We’ve all been where you are.

We’re just . . . nervous for you.

Most of our experiences have taught that, even though the war seems to be over, it’s best to keep our armor on for awhile, just in case more arrows come flying in.

Thank you….my armour is on…👍

You have taken some major steps. Good for you!!!

You cannot see this now but you will see it some day. One day you will look back and realize that at this time, you did the right thing and what is best for you.

It’s hard when your head says one thing but your heart feels something different. That internal struggle will always come but you have to just remind yourself that if you waiver now, the cheater will not move forward or change etc.

The worst thing I ever said to my H was that I was going to D him. I was brutally honest and told him unfortunately you have left me with no choice. I have NOTHING left to give to this marriage.

I didn’t want to say that ever. In 30+ years the word Divorce had never been used until his midlife crisis affair and it was used by him.

Keep doing the 180. It will pay off. Just trust that there are good reasons for this. One to protect you. Second to force him to not take the easy way out and hope you just cave.

I can tell you the stand I took almost 12 years ago made a huge difference and forced my H to acknowledge things he refused to face for all the years we were married.

We are happily R because he changed. Because he had to. No one forced him to but he knew I was no longer going to a doormat.

Hang in there. You are on the right path.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:08 PM, Thursday, March 27th]

THANK YOU SO much for the thoughtful response. He is moving into his new apartment 4/3. He is constatnly trying to give me a hug or connect and Im keeping my distance. We did go on a walk this morning- civil but Im not wavering. We have the mediator tommorow forthe legal seperation. Will be interesting to see how he is at that....

WS is officially moving out tomorrow after 6 weeks of couch surfing…..he cries a lot , I feel badly…..which I know is ridiculous …..so..
- moved out, has own apt
-seeing a mediator to have everything sorted in case I file
- and I still love him and see him in 2 12 step meetings a day and consistent therapy
Time will tell….

Really happy for you in keeping your boundaries, great job on that! Time will definitely tell if he is making the necessary changes to become a healthier person. This separation will give you a much needed break and time for reflection on everything.

Not at all ridiculous to feel bad for your H....

You love or at least loved him and wanted the best for hi, and losing you is not even close to the best for him.

Losing what you thought was a partnership you wanted is a big loss for you, too.

Getting out from under this burden you've been carrying is excellent for you, but it's a big change, and change carries losses and risks, even though it opens up vast possibilities.

I think the best a person can do is both to celebrate the change and to mourn the losses. Human beings can, after all, walk and chew gum at the same time.

I wonder if he would recognize what his emotions are during the acting out. It sounds like extreme anxiety. I am of the opinion that anxiety is the cause of many life long issues for people.

People often go to the dr for depression but anxiety is the underlying problem that needs to be addressed.

You two love each other. I am all for R if possible. D when the pain for the bs is unbearable and never ceases. You do have to look after yourself but, as a social worker, my heart goes out to the little boy who lived through hell.

Cooley2here…..exactly…and I see him doing the work and he is saying he now sees the damage he has done…he thought he got it dday1 but he white knuckled through…..he’s knee deep in ACoA and dealing with his trauma, anxiety and learning who he is.

I’m trying to keep distance and stay regulated….