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So for the second time, I have caught my WS communicating with his AP since D-Day #1. I am furious. I decided he had to go. I was going to do the 180. He has told me that he knows he is sick and he is going to fix himself on his own without my help and win me back even if it takes years. He stayed with my mom one night because she's a freaking saint. But he still works at home so I said fine. He can work at home, since I'm at work then anyway. Well after one night out of the house, he says can I just stay in the frog (which is our guest room / his office) and I agree. Our kids schedule is so hectic that I need him here anyway to get them everywhere they need to go. However, I am failing at the 180 already. He didn't sleep at all last night, had a migraine and so this morning, I got him medicine. Then he texts me at work having a panic attack so I talk him through that. I know he's all jacked up, all kinds of problems including low testosterone that our insurance won't cover injections yet for. But I'm supposed to be leaving him to his own devices to heal himself and on day three, I am already failing. I love him so much and he's so much pain that I can't seem to stop helping him!!!!!! What do I do? I mean, I know I should just ignore him but I can't seem to.

It sounds like you need a break from each other. Why not try separation for a few months and have very low contact. This way you can gauge your feelings better. Gives him some time to work on his own issues BUT he cannot bother you. You should not tolerate his acts of desperation. He needs to figure his s*it out so to speak. I don't know if it's manipulative on his part or not but he needs to leave you alone and give you some space to make a decision.

You're enabling the cake-eater. Stop letting him use you, because that's exactly what he's doing. He's using you to soothe himself while he's the one actively hurting you. Give him a taste of life without you to lean on when he needs meds or is having a panic attack. Let him experience life without a loving wife. He fucked around, and now he needs to find out. For his own healing, and for yours.

You'll feel so much better in a few days when you start sticking to your guns. You'll feel powerful. I promise.

Think of it differently. You are not giving him support.

You are being manipulated by him and sadly, you are enabling him. By that I mean he still relies and counts in you and you have proven you will be there for him no matter what.

Based in my experience my CH thought the same thing. He thought I would be there no matter what. And I was doing everything and anything to R up until dday2. When I learned the affair had been going on for months while we were reconciling, I snapped.

That was the day I turned my back on him. I didn’t lift a finger to help him for almost 12 months. He had to prove to me that he deserved another chance with me. Somehow he did - and he stopped lying and cheating and disrespecting me.

The 180 is there for a reason.

But you may need to recognize the you need to be the person who sets the tone and path forward and the cheater is in sync or not.

If they are not, reconciliation is going to be a tough road for the betrayed. The cheater needs to man up and fix it in their own.

You don’t want a dday3. And if he goes running to you and you are always there, like I was, you will allow him to continue to repeat the same process.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:52 PM, Thursday, March 13th]

Oh lord I did worse last night. I slept with him. I can’t help myself. I’m praying for strength.

I can’t help myself.

Yes, you can.

Don't beat yourself up. You can't undo what's been done, so just take the next step. Do the next right thing.

I agree with others he is manipulating you. He is pushing your boundaries to stay in control. You are having way too much communication. The 180 was a complete lifestyle change for me, it was not an act or a tactic, it was putting my foot down and saying "I no longer take any bullshit!". He is a grown ass man that decided he needed to venture out of the M, let him figure himself out. I wish you the best.

Hes been out of town since yesterday with my older daughter at a soccer tournament. And I haven’t called him or texted him once. He has called me and I’ve answered but didn’t talk long. Progress??

I have been following your story. I am so sorry this has happened to you. Take this weekend to be kind to yourself. Perhaps a long walk, get your nails done whatever you want.

That asshole. He told me last night that sometimes he thinks I’ll never be able to get over this so maybe it would be easier to divorce. And I told him he needed to figure it out 100 perfect one way or another. But how fucking dare he not be sure?? I’m so mad

He’s not sure he wants to do the work. He wants you to sweep it all under the rug and forget it ever happened. But after just a few days of the 180 lite, he’s already staring to back pedal.

Remember words are easy. Actions say everything. He’s appealing to your caring nature b/c he knows you are a kind person who will help him. But what is he ACTUALLY doing to fix anything?

Oh, and I think most of us fell off the 180 wagon a time or two— it happens. Just recommit and start again. You are human :-)

Excuse me but he’s an idiot!! How dare he say that to you.

Ignore anything he says. Pay 100% attention to his actions. If he’s going to whine and complain about his commitment to reconciliation, then he’s not really fully committed and prepared to do the heavy lifting.

And that should be a wake up call to who he really is.

I can tell you if my H ever says that to me, we’d be D in a heartbeat.

He may be looking for a "pass" from you. Do not give it to him.

That asshole. He told me last night that sometimes he thinks I’ll never be able to get over this so maybe it would be easier to divorce. And I told him he needed to figure it out 100 perfect one way or another. But how fucking dare he not be sure?? I’m so mad

You should be mad. This is another play from the infidels handbook. He is saying your inability to forgive is what is keeping the relationship back.

I told my WH from day 1 I will never get over this and I possibly will still bring his A up in years to come. He also knows I will never forgive him either.

If he at that point said ‘it would be easier to divorce’ I would have agreed and I would be posting in the Divorce forum rather than the Reconciliation.

My WH doesn’t ever expect me to get over it, all he hopes (well this is what he says) is that i give him to chance to try for the rest of our marriage to make up for the choices he made and the chance to keep our marriage and family together.

I’m so angry for you. You wouldn’t have anything to ‘get over’ if he kept his dick in his pants and if he cut contact with AP like he promised.

You deserve better, you deserve a peaceful and happy life 💚

[This message edited by Webbit at 6:00 AM, Monday, March 17th]

I know I deserve better. I know it but I can’t seem to leave him. Maybe eventually I’ll get so fed up that I will. I’m getting there I think.

But how fucking dare he not be sure?? I’m so mad

Why are you mad? You're not sure either, and you're showing him every single time you cave that his bad behavior has no consequences. You're setting it up this way and showing him how to treat you.

You don’t need to leave him. At least not yet.

But you do need to make sure YOU come first. Not him and not your marriage.

There is nothing wrong with going to a yoga class or some event alone or with friends on the weekend WITHOUT him.

There is nothing wrong with eating a meal and not including him or cooking for him.

There is nothing wrong with taking a nice hot shower or soaking in a tub and then curling up with a good book or movie and a cup of tea. Without including him.

There’s nothing wrong with going out to eat with friends without him.

I think SacredSoul was a but harsh but the point is you need to start protecting yourself. And that means the 180 and detaching from him are two things you should be doing now.

I can tell you it took less than 24 hours for my H to realize he was no longer calling the shots in our marriage and he made a critical mistake — thinking I was always going to be there for him and that I would never leave him.

So last night I told him it was too hard having him in the house when I'm home and trying to avoid each other. I said he should stay somewhere else at night. He agreed, then dicked around so long that he was like oh it's late. I'll just sleep in the FROG and go somewhere tomorrow night. It's like he doesn't really want to leave??? What in the world is this new game? He's making me nuts.

And I guess I was mad at him because I was sure that I wanted to give our marriage another chance despite what he did and if HE'S the one not sure, that makes me feel dumb for being sure. :(

It's not his choice now, it's 100% yours. Getting angry is the first step in taking care of business. Use that anger to see he isn't worth the agony of infidelity.
Good luck.

I think SacredSoul was a but harsh but the point is you need to start protecting yourself. And that means the 180 and detaching from him are two things you should be doing now.

I'm sorry. I've been told that I can sometimes come across as too blunt in writing. It was intended to evoke a "Snap out of it!" moment, but it could have been a little softer. Again, I'm sorry.

1stWife and catlady are both spot-on.

You're like I was: All wrapped up in what HE'S thinking and what HE wants, and probably trying to affect an outcome by sleeping with him and taking care of him. Those are steps in the pick-me dance. You're not a pick-me girl. You're a bad ass who is no longer going to take any shit.

There's a boatload of truth in the popular SI stance that you have to be willing to end your marriage in order to save it. Him realizing that you're willing to end it rather than continue to be mistreated could be pivotal in saving your marriage, but you have to implement that plan and mean it. I strongly recommend that you stand behind your request that he sleep elsewhere.