AdLarue17 (original poster member #84917) posted at 1:24 AM on Wednesday, March 19th, 2025
No I need the snap out of it attitude! I was doing the pick me dance and I need to stop so I can go back to respecting myself.
AdLarue17 (original poster member #84917) posted at 2:04 PM on Wednesday, March 19th, 2025
I think this idea of his that he needs space is really just that he wants to end things with me but he's too scared to do it. I think he really doesn't want to hurt me but he doesn't want to be with me either for whatever reason. So logically, I should end it with him. But I feel like that isn't fair... if he wants to end it, he should! I shouldn't have to do it if it's his wants. But should I really stick around when he's making me feel like this? I know the answer but I'm scared to act too. I don't know what to do anymore. I just love him so much and I don't understand why he won't fight for us.
sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 3:11 PM on Wednesday, March 19th, 2025
What is the better way for you to exercise your power? Is it to wait for your WS to act in their best interest or for you to take action in yours?
Wait ... you answered that question!
I need the snap out of it attitude! I was doing the pick me dance and I need to stop so I can go back to respecting myself.
Whatever do you mean 'you love him so much'? What you you mean by 'him'? Are you saying you love someone who won't fight for you? How is that good for you?
[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:13 PM, Wednesday, March 19th]
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
AdLarue17 (original poster member #84917) posted at 4:17 PM on Wednesday, March 19th, 2025
Well, you when you put it like that, yeah it is dumb to love someone who won't fight for you. I guess I will just miss being a whole family because when you divorce, it's never the same. My parents divorced when I was in college and it was awful. I always swore I wouldn't put my kids through that. But I guess I didn't make these choices that got us here. But it still hurts. Like, I'm a catch yall. I'm pretty and smart and a good mom and I'm funny and I'm kind and take care of people. Someone would appreciate me. I just don't want to have to go out and look again. It's been over 20 years!!!! :(
SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 4:43 PM on Wednesday, March 19th, 2025
I think this idea of his that he needs space is really just that he wants to end things with me but he's too scared to do it.
Wanting "space" is often an indication that they're back in the A again.
Like, I'm a catch yall. I'm pretty and smart and a good mom and I'm funny and I'm kind and take care of people.
Okay, so look at this from his perspective: You're a terrific catch and despite all of his shenanigans, YOU still want HIM. You know, the one who cheated on you and is most likely still cheating. His ego has got to be the size of a Goodyear blimp. Would you be attracted to a man who kept taking care of you and wanting you while you chatted with other men? I doubt it. You'd probably think he was a wimp.
There's a reason that people around here believe that you must be willing to sacrifice your marriage in order to save it. You learning to establish healthy boundaries needs to be the first step if you want to truly R.
Gasping for air while volunteering to give others CPR is not heroic.
Your nervous system will always choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven.
AdLarue17 (original poster member #84917) posted at 6:03 PM on Wednesday, March 19th, 2025
He says the space is to focus on healing himself and doing his therapy instead of me making him do it. Or so he says. He says he knows he has to fix himself so that's what he is doing, not talking to AP and not planning on leaving me. I will say that I have been the one trying to get him to "do all the healing things" so maybe this is him finally taking responsibility. Either way, I guess I just have to back off and focus on myself. I never knew I would have such a hard time doing that. :(
crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 6:09 PM on Wednesday, March 19th, 2025
I guess I will just miss being a whole family because when you divorce, it's never the same. My parents divorced when I was in college and it was awful. I always swore I wouldn't put my kids through that.
One of the main reasons I remained in limbo and a toxic marriage so long was my fear of D and a broken family, but if I wouldn't have D'd I would have continued to be broken. Our D wasn 't easy and I am not on speaking terms with the xWS due to his NPD. It is what it is and it's not all that bad. Both my kids have adjusted and we are a 3 team unit now instead of 4 which it felt that way anyways during my M because my xWS did not help much in their upbringing and was gone a lot. I am a much happier person post D. My kids notice it and my friends and family. Sometimes D is necessary for a better life and not all families will stay in tact, but life goes on.
fBS/fWS(me):51 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(21) DS(18)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorced 8/8/24
