SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I think we have made a lot of strides in healing and recovery but I'm seeing a common pattern rearing its ugly head. Just when I think we are getting traction (which is a miracle in itself) my WH says something that takes us off track. The best I can describe it is, self-sabotage rooted in his shame.

I posted a couple of weeks ago about him being out of town with OW. Anyway, when he got home we talked about the impact of this trip, how triggering it was, how I worked through it, etc. He did MUCH better listening and holding space during that conversation. But since then his shame is really showing up and he makes comments that sabotage our growth. I found an interesting article that details this by Richard Nicastro - Shame of the Cheating Spouse.

So, I guess I'm posting for feedback, validation, and thoughts on how to handle it.

The way I am handling this is to take care of myself in those moments and remind myself this shame or self-sabotage, hurtful comments, etc. is not mine. It's coming from his shame and insecurity and he needs to own this therefore I need to tend to myself.

The problem is I'm not seeing any progress in him recognizing this behavior and after tending to myself I have to explain to him what is happening. He then feels more guilt and shame and apologizes which just feels so sad and I don't want any more apologies. I'm not sure he can have this level of insight (ADHD/Neurodiversity).

He feels he is walking a tightrope, can never say or do the right thing and I feel very isolated because when I speak up it just makes him feel so much worse, and while I'm not coming to his rescue as often and as quickly it's not really solving anything.

I don't even know what to ask. I'm just feeling very sad and defeated, maybe hopeless.
It doesn't help that his comments are typically around more delicate topics (sex, affection, intimacy( which I have asked for sensitivity towards. So it is like he is sabotaging all his efforts by going for where it would hurt the most (which is what the article confirmed).

The first thing that popped into my head is that maybe as-close-to-real-time-as-possible feedback in the form of "When you ___ , I feel ___ " statements might help. Because of his neurodivergence, he may require some training. I completely understand if you're not interested in being his trainer.

And maybe it would be helpful to remind him that you're not intending to shame him or jab at him when you bring up infidelity issues that you need to process, that you just want to be transparent and authentic with him in the interest of emotional intimacy.

Do you have a set time to talk about serious stuff? That might help too, knowing that any time outside of the designated serious talk time is a safe zone where he doesn't have to worry about you bringing up anything heavy.

Is he doing anything to work on handling his shame? I haven't read it myself, but our MC assigned "Healing the Shame that Binds You" for my H. I don't know if that would be appropriate for your H or not.

The whole problem boils down to two circles: one BIG one (represents himself) and one LITTLE one (representing you - or anyone else!) and your assumption that you guys are two equal-sized orbs!! To someone like this, it isn't their reality, or their perception, and here is the key: YOU CANNOT CHANGE that in them.

As I've shared with you in the past, I've been "hitched" to this kind of person for almost 30 years, 26 of them miserable, all the while trying to buy into high-sounding concepts about relationships, healing, communicating, connecting, etc., etc. After all my efforts, let me just reiterate: you are expecting a miracle if you want THIS GUY to be able to grasp YOUR reality. There is a reason it is called AUTism. As in: AUTopilot, AUTonomous. Fundamentally they are in the world by themselves and cannot readily do the mental switching to simultaneously incorporate their effect on another as they experience their OWN reality. Whereas, with maturity and mental health (with neurotypical brains, in other words) we expect others to at least work at seeing our point of view.

So carry on trying, but please stop smoking the hopium pipe about having a mutual relationship.

I wish I had something more helpful to say. I don’t think you are ready to leave yet, and that’s okay - you are a deeply analytical woman who is going to have your own complicated process or approach before coming to that conclusion. I think that is why I am always drawn to your posts- I too am deeply analytical.

I have said in the past much like Suprese just did, you two are not equally yoked.

And sometimes that can work for people depending on what they want or need in a relationship. But, I think what his betrayal has done is underlined a need you were able to ignore more easily before- the need for emotional safety. I don’t think he has given you that completely over the years but he was able to still provide security/trust to a degree that it didn’t topple the whole thing over.

And I think as long as he remains avoidant, there is not ever going to be emotional safety again. Yet it’s excruciating for you because you also understand that he may not be able to go deep enough due to limitations beyond his control. It’s a difficult situation.

I will say this very gently and really for your own contemplation, how long are you willing to go without your fundamental needs met to be with him? There is no wrong or right answer because the anguish and upheaval it will cause feels greater to you right now, I am sure. I do not know if you are doing it for him because you can’t bear to hurt him or your confidence in yourself to go be on your own isn’t quite there yet? And I am not disregarding that you still love him. None of those things are easy to come to terms with and it’s probably a little of all of it as I remember you all have been together since you were young.

[This message edited by hikingout at 3:00 AM, Thursday, December 19th]