SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

A little over a month ago I confronted my wife informing her that I knew she was having an affair. She immediately responded with "I'm glad you brought that up, his name is XXXX (first name only), I want a divorce". We have spent the time away from each other with a few phone and in person conversations. While I have tried to keep the road to reconciliation open, she has focused on moving on with her life and her new love interest.

Over the course of the next few weeks I was able to discover who this person was, his financial situation (exceedingly poor), work history (even worse), 3 ex-wives and children he has not supported. I would be less than honest if I said this was simply to protect my wife from a gold digger (which in large measure it was) but far from the only reason. I presented my wife with the information I unearthed (reports, pictures, court documents etc.), her initial reaction was that I had manufactured the information. I suggested she look into this herself as I doubted that this would be the type of person she would get involved with had she known ahead of time.

Rather than look into what I gave her, she handed the information to the new boyfriend who exploded and told her to "get the "F" out of my house. (Not really his house, he's trading some handyman services for a place to live in a small duplex) She shared the event during a short road trip she suggested following the confrontation to pick up a desk at her sisters house. "the road trip will give us a chance to talk"

Now she sees the marriage as worth saving. "Anyone who would go to such lengths to protect me is worth my love". She has asked if I was ready to split our time between our beach condo (where she has been staying) and main home? She has a new found interest in how I'm doing but frankly, when she calls and askes "how are you this morning, still emotional?" I get a little agitated, emotional? Really?

While I am somewhat encouraged that the affair appears to be over (she says it is), I can't help but feel I am just a safe harbor for the near term?

[This message edited by Stabbedintheheart at 11:59 AM, Saturday, November 23rd]

Hmmmmm. Hard to know what is truth and what is her plan to protect herself financially and not be left to fend for herself.

FWIW my H had an affair and also told me he was D me for the OW. The OW was 20 years younger and definitely saw dollar signs. She was a drama Queen with an entire body covered in tattoos - arms, neck, legs and boobs. She was a social media whore and her "assets" hung out of every shirt she owned.

She was ready to jump into the "step mother" role immediately.

If you want to know your wife’s intentions, tell her that in order to R you want a post nuptial agreement. I made this a demand from my CH to even consider R. He willingly signed it b/c he believed it was not going to be an issue as he was determined to R.

If she refuses to sign a fair post nup, there is your answer. It’s a money thing.

If she doesn’t have a job, tell her she needs to get one. Don’t be the only one supporting the family. Tell her she’s not quitting the job any time soon or else the R process stops.

I’d suggest you start putting some $ in your own bank account she does not have access to. Start protecting yourself financially.

Also demand she gets counseling. Do not allow this to be swept under the rug and just another "mistake" she made. She lied. She cheated. She now has to make amends and be remorseful and repair the damage. On her own. Not you helping her.

I hope this helps you.

This is a "JFO" situation. It is far too early to tell. And she has so much work to do. You both do. This is a marathon, not a sprint.

I also did a deeper dive on the OW. Not much to do, as she was a "friend". It was a bucket of cold water when I presented FWH of evidence of OW’s lies. I was genuinely surprised at his reaction…that he couldn’t believe a liar would lie to him.

It sounds like, this early, she really doesn’t comprehend yet what reconciliation will take. So sorry you’re here.

I appreciate the insight and a post nup is on my list of things to get accomplished. I have spent a considerable amount of time erasing her from all the (formerly) joint accounts possible. If there is one saving grace in all of this, my wife struggles with technology so staying one step ahead of her and (ex) boyfriend hasn't been difficult.

Prior to my world collapsing, we were in the process of changing investment advisors opting for two different firms for a 1 year test (or so I thought). In that light, some of the work is already done but it gives me pause as to how long she been planning?

Talk to the three best divorce lawyers in town ASAP.

Your posts say you're detached from your W. That doesn't look like the path to R, IMO.

I think you need to answer questions like

'Do I really want to spend the rest of my life with my WS?'

'What are my requirements for R? What are hers? Are they - and we - a good fit for each other?'

'Will she meet my requirements for R? Will I meet hers?'

'How will we know if we are meeting my requirements?'

'What will I do to deal with the feelings I'm feeling?'

IMO, a post-nup is premature at this point. You write as if D is more likely, in which case a post-nup is superflous.

While I am somewhat encouraged that the affair appears to be over (she says it is), I can't help but feel I am just a safe harbor for the near term?

Ya think?? Don’t be anyone’s Plan B. Of course, it’s your life to do as you see fit.

Anyone who would go to such lengths to protect me is worth my love

You are definitely worth someone's love.

Now that you’ve pulled the rug out from under the other guy, look at what you are stuck with.

Set the mark for what you deserve, and let her know there is a new standard for being your wife.

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 10:06 PM, Saturday, November 23rd]

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry that you're here. The Healing Library is at the top of the page and has a lot of great information. In the JFO (Just Found Out) forum, there are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that new members are encouraged to read. There are others with bull's eye icons that are really helpful.

It sounds like you're her Plan B. She doesn't sound remorseful at all. It takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity and even longer sometimes if you R. We call the fluctuating emotions the emotional rollercoaster, and it will take you for a ride any time.

If you can, IC with a betrayal trauma specialist can be very helpful in your healing process. If you have trouble eating, try protein shakes. Stay hydrated. If you have trouble sleeping or with depression, see your doctor for some meds. Also, please get tested for STDs/STIs. There are some nasty diseases out there.

Your WW (wayward wife) should be in IC so that she can work on her issues that allowed her to have an A. She didn't make a mistake, she made thousands of conscious decisions to lie to you and betray. Watch her actions and don't listen to her words. As you've seen, cheaters lie and then lie some more. She should also read the book How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's a fairly quick read, but has a great blueprint for recovery. Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass is another good resource.

Brother, she did not pick you. She's still picking herself. She is not safe at all.
You really should stop pursuing reconciliation. 180, Grey rock, separate your finances, see an attorney (or 4) to see what divorce looks like.
That's not to say you won't or shouldn't reconcile, it's to explore all possible options. Divorce in your situation is a very understandable choice. Don't be blinded to the possibility of divorce just because you want a specific outcome.
Get out of infidelity and seek individual counseling.
This is like being in an airplane and putting your own oxygen mask before putting it on your child. You're no good to anyone if you're still reeling from her terrible, selfish choices.
Stay strong.

I'm sorry you find yourself here, there is a lot of experience at your fingertips. She was ready to walk out on you, now that it blew up she is back, until the next guy comes along and shows her attention.

Do not offer R at this time, she is not remorseful and sadly you will find yourself right back in a matter of weeks or months, with some other "Mr Right". We always advise to "watch her actions", her calling and asking "are you still emotional" is someone that doesn't get it. You need to push her off the fence and make her sweat. Study and implement the 180, see a few attorneys to see your options and map an exit strategy. You don't have to file D but you can get your ducks in a row.

Thank you everyone. I do have a full lab panel scheduled on Monday, I asked her to get tested but she says she doesn't see the need (we would all disagree). I do have an appointment with an attorney next week and we'll see where that goes.

In any case, I'm not the sort of person who can sit around and see what transpires. I'm going to get my ducks in a row and prepare to write the check. It may be a little premature to schedule the dumpster delivery but I had one delivered before so, very little planning involved there.

I really appreciate the insights as I really don't know what's really going on (maybe hard to know until the other shoe falls). I do think that I may want to reconcile so badly that I'm ignoring the obvious - thanks again!

I purchased "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald earlier today. It was very enlightening. I let my wife know that it was available in our Audible library and she should give it a read.

Thank you.

"I asked her to get tested but she says she doesn't see the need (we would all disagree).

I personally would only be intimate with people who I am monogous with and who are willing to have full-panel std sti testing from a place that knows how to do the testing properly and at appropriate intervals . !
Everyone can make their own decisions as to the level of risk they personally are willing to take. But it won’t be with me.

I am sorry you are experiencing this situation…

Wow. Her not being willing to get STI tested is really sad and a big waving red flag. A WS who wants to reconcile will move mountains… and at the very least will get STI tested. (And research books like How to Help, get into IC, etc.).

Maybe she hasn’t gotten it YET. But you need to push her off the fence and move yourself forward. Maybe she will get it— and you will see that from her ACTIONS, not her words. Not looking good for R at this point, however.

You sound very logical and level headed. Keep looking out for yourself and take good of yourself. This stuff is a trauma and it takes a real toll.

It appears to me, based in your posts, that the cheater still thinks they are in control of the situation and that their sh$t doesn’t stink!!

My cheating husband (CH) was stunned when I informed him in dday2 that I was D him b/c I had no other choice. I tried everything for 6 months and he refused to stop lying and cheating.

While I was a doormat for 25 years of marriage — that is no longer an option. And I’m sure he regrets his actions because I am now in control of me. And he’s either on my team or the marriage is over.

Lucky me — he has changed (his choice and his own doing) and he now regrets his past actions. And in 11 years since dday2 I have not had one instance where he gave me any reason to suspect he might be cheating.

The only reason I reconciled was b/c my H made the decision to do everything possible to Reconcile. It took me 12 months to embrace Reconciliation. I was in the fence for 12 months b/c I was convinced his changes were temporary.

Lucky us - they weren’t. My H had to prove to me I should give him another chance. And I did nothing to support or help him during R.

I hope this helps you. You cannot Reconcile w/ a lying cheating spouse who won’t do everything possible to make amends, such as an STI test.

I really appreciate the insight and I am very thankful for the support.

I'm not as willing to walk away from 43 years together as she apparently was. I am still in utter dismay at how she can't see my insecurity over how quickly she changed gears. Months (that I know of) of lies and betrayal erased (in her mind) in an instant when presented with the real picture of who she was cheating with.

In an effort to extend an olive branch I suppose, she invited me to a ballroom dancing mixer near our beach condo. I had never been there prior but it was clear that she was a regular. If there was a silver lining, at least there was any apparent attention being paid by any of the men in the crowd but I did find it unsettling that just about every woman who approached us said "oh, you brought your husband tonight". I had never been to this ballroom and didn't know a single one of these women. I may be over thinking this but I told her "we" were never going back. There are no shortage of venues available in the area so it will be telling if her grudging acceptance holds.

I really feel like I'm walking through a mine field and any wrong step is going to end what little "life as I know it" that I have left.

One day at a time.

Odds are this is not her first affair. Sounds like she uses the condo as her party house.

She's just treading water until a guy with a better FICO score comes along.

No sex or kissing, unless you're willing to risk your health! If the marriage doesn't last you don't want to start a new relationship off with the talk of STD's.

I wasn't forceful enough in my advice, I suppose.

I really feel like I'm walking through a mine field and any wrong step is going to end what little "life as I know it" that I have left.

It's already blown up. You are basically still in denial that perhaps there is some sort of "going back to normal". There isn't. There is before the affair and after, and they are two different relationships. Maybe it's one marriage legally, but currently your marriage is dead. Your wife killed it.

I do have an appointment with an attorney next week and we'll see where that goes.

That's good. You want to do the three best because once they consult with you, your wife can't use them.

Frankly, I don't think your wife cares too much for you. She immediately asked for a divorce upon discovery. No STI test despite learning AP was a dirtbag. She invited you out to ballroom dancing where she presumably did her prowling. With every woman being surprised you got invited. She was showing you, "Look I have my pick of men, and you are the one that is going to have to prove you are still worth my time."

She is gonna act like she didn't do anything and you are the one that has to change. Don't do the pick me dance. Just continue your D preparation unless she gets her head out of her ass.

SITH:

Very sorry for your situation. Your WW’s infidelity and the timing with your retirement is incredibly cruel, but not uncommon. Very unfair to you and you are left to pick up the pieces of your life. But you will get through this. We all have. I think you now realize that that nothing you did or didn’t do in your M caused her to cheat, she is solely responsible for her actions. Currently from your description she is unremorseful and blaming you for her lack of integrity. I know you prefer to R, but you can’t do it with an unremorseful partner. She needs to take total responsibility for her decisions to betray you.

My credo is to always value yourself. You are currently living separately, with your WW at the beach house. Your WW has stated she plans to come to your family’s Thanksgiving dinner. Just my two cents: but she is not acting as your W and has betrayed you. There is a saying here that you have to risk losing the M in order to save it. In your case stop placating her. Tell her she is not to come to your Thanksgiving dinner. You can tell her that you are open to R, but not until she owns her shit, and accepts responsibility for her actions. This is a minimum you should expect. Whatever your failings in your M, nothing justifies cheating. You may be willing to work on your M issues with her, but first she needs to prove to you she is working on her issues and try to rebuild your trust. She may be unwilling to do this. So be it. You deserve a partner committed to your M. At dinner you can explain her absence any way you choose. But with her current attitude I would not have her at your Thanksgiving. Strength to you.