SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife of 42 years had a 15 year affair with a co worker. I put an end to it over two and a half years ago. I allowed her to call him to break it off but she did not want me to be there when she called him, I agreed. But I had to know just how deep her feelings went for this guy so I secretly recorded the call. I don't feel real good about doing that but I had to hear her true feelings which she would never tell me. The call lasted 40 minutes and I heard a lot of heartbreaking things. She professed her undying love for him and said he was the true love of her life and that would never change (that was killer for me to hear). She also lied to him a few times about things that she said on Dday. She expressed how unhappy her life has gotten at work and at home and how all of that disappeared when she went over to see him. I also heard him remind her of the bad moments that she had with me during our marriage as a way of justifying what they were doing. To set the record straight I was not an abusive husband but I was far from perfect and have made my share of mistakes over 40 years of marriage, but I was faithful and did the best I could to provide for my family. That call still haunts me and I will always wonder if it was the affair fog talking or if she still feels that way today. We decided to work things out and stay together but I can't get it out of my head that she said he was the love of her life and that would never change. How could she come back to me and still think that way for him.I may never know her true feelings for him. We have gone through this without any counseling, but I have journaled and watched so many helpful podcast. I have read so many books about both sides of an affair, I almost feel as if I could write my own. Long-Term affairs are devastating and will turn your world upside down. I really want to believe that my wife sees and feels so much differently about her affair now that her eyes and mind are seeing real life again. I honestly don't know her as good as I used to think I did.

Thank You for listening to my rant.

Lost1313

Lost, I am so sorry. I too have been married for 40+ years. Very different story, but I can understand the conflicts that go through your head. Almost an entire lifetime together. Someone else on SI said it well. It's like you woke up in someone elses life. All memories are tainted.

We too have not had counseling, but we have had many, many discussions. Are you at a place where you can calmly talk to each other about it? Is she open and remorseful? Has she made the effort to understand her actions and to commit to reconciliation?

I would probably come clean with her about the tape and risk the consequences. She gave up her right to privacy when she cheated. I can't blame you for what you did. If she is truly committed to you she'll come around. Living with that knowledge will destroy you if you don't deal with it.

God bless.

Hearing that phone call has to hurt.

Lost1313. My husband had an affair with a woman in 1976-77 (this I knew back then), and resumed in 1979 after we separated and got back together (this part I did not know until he contacted her behind my back in 2023 and actively deceived me). I heard it from his own lips how they were in love and he only went back to me so he could be a father to our daughter. Also was told she was more than a friend and would always have a piece of his heart. This after he hadn’t spoken to her in 43 years. I cannot unhear it or ever forget that I was second pick, the consolation prize, and I would never be what she was to him. This is the worst. I’m nearly 2 years out and have cried every day since. My marriage of 43 years feels like a complete sham, and all I have given him was wasted time I could have given to someone else who truly cherished me. I was robbed of that possibility. I recently read a quote from a person called Sruta Samarpita that struck a chord in me these days.

I am stuck between
Past and future
Memories and dreams
Life and death

I am lost between
Expectations and reality
Facts and fiction
Love and hatred

LTA survivor myself. One that went underground after DDay1. It sucks like no other pain I've ever endured. And still haunts me.

Have you seen the LTA thread in the I Can Relate section? Over the years I have found it very helpful.

If you stay knowing all this, then you accept that this abuse is all you deserve. You are not "fighting" for your marriage, you are rugsweeping. First, why on Earth did you bother allowing her to call him without you present? FTN. Second, why are you ok with being second choice/back up plan?
You are NOT in reconciliation. You are in limbo.
I remember how shocked I was when a friend asked me, "how did you feel SL when you realized your husband didn't love you?" I couldn't see the forest for the trees in the way, so I didn't realize, yet, that there was no way he could love me if he cheated for that many years and did so much disrespectful shit to me and our M during his A. Again, FTN. And, yes, I was super pissed at the friend for daring to insinuate MY husband didn't love me. But, he was right on the money. When I got some distance I got even more clarity.
If your wife is still refusing to do the actions that make you feel safe, she doesn't love you.

I too am sorry you had to hear that very hurtful phone call. But at least you know the truth about your wife’s feelings.

Does your wife know you heard the call?

That phone call could be where you find the strength to realize your life isn't cast in stone. You do not need to accept what someone offers, you are worth more, we all are.

It might be time to tell her that she doesn't meet the basic requirements to be your wife, and you have tolerated her contempt and shameful behavior not because you were weak but because of your depth of character.

It long past ultimatum time and its time you demand what you want and if she will not bring what you want, there are far worse things than being on your own again even at middle age.

It is time she feels the full weight and shame of her conduct, it is time for that burden not to be upon you, its her cross to carry.

You've made some mistakes in the past, but you can recover from them, survive, and thrive - with or without your WS

I suspect you triggered many readers of your story. The story certainly triggered me, and my W had only a 4.5 month A. My heart goes out to you. I know you're in pain. I wish I could take it away, but I can't. You can, though, but you probably will need help.

First, most of us make mistakes. Many of us make the same mistakes you have made - allowing WS to make that phone call, not demanding answers, etc., etc., etc.

Hearing that you're not your W's love of her life is devastating. I didn't hear that; seven so, I had to do a lot of internal work to comprehend that my W's A was not because of any failure in me. Your W's A was not because of some failure in you. Your W cheated because of some failure(s) in her.

Remember: she met the love of her life and did nothing about it but cheat. She probably realized down deep that she was/is(?) lying to herself; otherwise, she would have left. This guy was an escape from dealing with her problems at work and at home. An escape from life, an escape from herself. She is no prize. I wish, for her sake, that she realized her problem was herself and that she did something productive about it, like find a good guide/IC/therapist.

You now have a problem, too, also with yourself. What do you need to do to (re)build your self-esteem enough to address your M issues? What do you need to do to process the pain of being betrayed out of your body? How do you make good decisions for your future?

I urge you to pick one of 2 paths. First, you can confront your W, tell her you recorded her phone call, and tell her you want either true R or (true) D. If she gets angry that you recorded her, I'd have a hard time NOT taking that as a sign that she's a lousy candidate for R. OTOH, if she quickly comes around to the position of being glad you recorded the call, starts working with a good therapist, and works with you to decide what you'll both do to R, she might be a good candidate for R. (hint: answering all questions is a requirement.)

My reco is not to confront unless you have decided that you will D if she doesn't step up.

If you're not ready to confront/D, my reco is to seek IC for you as a way of realizing you're stronger than you think and to find and enhance your strengths.

Do you really want to be with a woman who cheated on you for the remaining decades of your life? And wouldn't it be better to live alone than to live with someone you don't have any reason to trust? Frankly, at your age, there are a lot of good women out there who will want to be with you. You're only as stuck as you think.

Brother, I know you feel lost. You've lived through 17.5 years of hell with your W. But your post means you're ready to stop doing that. The hitch is that you won't get out of hell without taking action on your own behalf.

Thank You all.I have taken something from each of you. It really helps to hear from people who have walked in my shoes.