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[This message edited by user4578 at 8:09 PM, Sunday, November 10th]

Are you in IC or thought about asking your doctor for some meds? With the nightmares, you could have PTSD or Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder (PISD). PISD isn't in the diagnosis manual, but PTSD is. Look online for infidelity-related PTSD and you'll find lots of information.

I'm sorry that he's putting his own selfish wants in front of your needs.

I'm so sorry it really is such a trauma. When I read what you are going through, it brings me back to my own anxiety induced time. Really no WS is owed a second chance or R. Makes me so angry that a BS has to go through this. I totally get not wanting to split the kids 50/50. It is why I stayed in limbo until they were old enough and I had finally had enough and I left.

I'm sorry that he's putting his own selfish wants in front of your needs.

Agree with Leafields I don't think he really "gets" what you are going through and is still thinking of the band above all else.

I would ask to be put on an anti-anxiety med and anti-depressant if you are not already. There are other techniques that help like tapping and CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy).

Also read the book "The Body Keeps the Score." It goes into why you feel this way after trauma.

I can relate to the anxiety (see user name lol), but not to the triggers, as we separated the day he told me and we have since divorced.

@leafields has hit the nail on the head. I now have a PTSD diagnosis related to infidelity. I experience hypervigilance as a symptom and that might be what's going on with you. As CBS's excellent recommendation of the Body Keeps the Score states, many of the functions of our brains and bodies are there to keep us safe in the 'oh crap' moments. Early humans used vigilance combined with pattern recognition (and a host of other things) to identify when the grasses blowing in the wind were just grasses and when there was a tiger. You can bet the people who encountered a tiger were hypervigilant with blowing grass in the future! Said another way, someone who was hit by lightning will be extra-cautious when dark clouds start to roll in, despite knowing the adage, "lightning never strikes twice."

When I most noticed anxiety stemming from PTSD was often, as you described, in a moment of relative calm. It's like I'd finally stop being so scared for a moment and as soon as my brain realized, it would say, "gotta step up the patrols, when you're calm is when they get you!" and I would go into full panic mode, even without a trigger.

I've definitely come a long way in a relatively short time and the things that helped are: IC, medication, and EMDR. It's taken all 3 for me to even start to get peace, but I'm a lot better than I was.

It played on my mind all day and my partner told me when I got home that he was upset by the interaction, and felt like I'd completely blanked him.

I can't help but see the juxtaposition of you feeling bad about not introducing him with his refusal to quit the band. You care, you worry, you apologize. Does he worry that he's hurting you? That he might lose you? He's not prioritizing his relationship with you. Are you alright with playing second fiddle to the band?

Seems like the band finding a replacement for him is a THEM problem and not a HIM problem. He obviously doesn't want to quit or he just would. My bet is that he's hoping you'll settle down and leave him alone about it if he stalls long enough. And if he's sticking with it because he doesn't want to leave them high and dry? Ooooh boy. Any way you frame his reluctance to quit, it's not good.

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[This message edited by user4578 at 8:10 PM, Sunday, November 10th]

HI there! I'm a band wife too and I call utter bullshit on this. He wants out - he gives notice and leaves on the date he stated in his notice. Simple as that. Happens all the time. Trust me - the show will go on without him - and IMHO that's his biggest problem/fear. That one musician is just as good as another and he really isn't all that special.

So he's broken yet another promise. And...if he knows this is a huge trigger for you and continues to have complete and utter disregard - he's telling you something and it good.

As much as he says he understands and gets it, I don’t think he does at all.

You have summed it up quite nicely here. He doesn't get it - and he doesn't want to get it.

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[This message edited by user4578 at 8:10 PM, Sunday, November 10th]

I expected the counsellor to have more input, but she mainly acts as a sounding board, which is helpful to a point, but I was hoping for more advice on how to deal with everything, which I’ve not been getting.

I'd suggest looking for a trauma informed counselor. Mine has been absolutely invaluable!

I know this, for me, anxiety is helped by seeking God in prayer and praying through the Psalms. God truly is personal and helps...we just have to go to Him.

It is OK what you are feeling. Be patient with yourself.

There are two things that may be simultaneously causing higher anxiety.

As others state, there is the general PTSD that can occur even if your reconciliation is going perfectly. I know I had a hard time acknowledging that for so long as the term sounded too extreme. The Body Keeps Score is an excellent resource. There are activities that you can do without a therapist. The author and others also have YouTube lectures and info.

The second thing is that your WH just went back on a promise. That would have me on alert and watching to see how serious he is about reconciling and changing. Imagine your child was failing a class, and you sat down and had a long talk and developed a plan of action. He tells you he will study every day at a particular time for 30 minutes. You come home one day a week later and see him playing basketball during study time. Then he says he changed his mind and only needs to study 2x a week instead. I would feel anxious and start watching his grades and behavior more closely.

So I guess I'm saying there's a general anxiety and specific anxiety based on the situation. I would treat them differently. You've been given suggestions for the first. For the second, I would prepare mentally and physically for the possibility that reconciliation fails.

This is an aside, but have you spoken to anyone about your legal rights in a divorce? It doesn't make sense to me that you would only have the children for 50% of the time. Your WH travels frequently for his hobby. How can he keep children 50% of the time? I can't imagine a court would make you develop a childcare schedule that works around WH and his band.

I expected the counsellor to have more input....

My suggestion is to ask your C about it.

No therapist can tell you what to do. They can help you decide what you will do and support you while you do it. They can suggest a course of action. But it's your life and your decision.

I’ve been trying to convince myself I can and will leave if he doesn’t do this and that, but I know I won’t. I think if he cheated at all in any way again, I would, but I think I’ll deal with everything else for now.

I totally get that. You're allowed to decide what's best for you, and to change your mind about what's best for you if you figure out that you might have gone a wee bit too hard with the original boundary. Sticking to that boundary at your own expense could end up being more of a self-betrayal than redrawing the lines in the sand in your own best interest. You have to examine that from both ends and decide which one sits right with you. And only you can decide. A good IC will guide you on how to figure that out, but they'll never tell you what to do.

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[This message edited by user4578 at 8:10 PM, Sunday, November 10th]

My second therapist was a betrayal trauma specialist and was so helpful.

Also, ask about your treatment plan. It's like a road map. You're at Point A and want to get to Point B. What landmarks should you meet along the way? You should plan that out and how you plan to get there. You can adjust as you go along. Another person told me a treatment plan is like a battle plan. What strategies are you going to use so that you win?

Give yourself grace at this time. I could barely function the first year after dday.

We often say to watch the WS actions and don't listen to their words. What are his actions showing you?

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[This message edited by user4578 at 8:10 PM, Sunday, November 10th]