SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife confessed to me that she had chemistry and was very much drawn towards the attention a new coworker was giving her. She said he had done nothing that would be considered inappropriate but that she knew he felt the same chemistry towards her. She had shared with her women's group at church and our pastor, and they all advised her to tell me so there would be no secrets, so she did. The next day her story changed, and she informed me that a month prior he made a move (her 3rd week at work), he called her into his office, when it was just the two of them in the building, where he hugged her and tried holding her hand. She said she recoiled and walked away but that she was conflicted because she liked him and that is when she went to her church friends for support.

I was upset at the lie and showed up at her office the following afternoon to tell her it was okay to resign and come home. We did not need the money and she didn’t want to work anyway but she told me to leave because she wanted to stay at the job and said she would be able to keep things professional. I was crushed as I drove away because it felt like she chose him over me, and I didn’t want to demand her to quit so I endured it the best I could.

The next day she said she had to be 100% honest with me and that after the office incident, she took a drive alone with him in his police truck into the mountains because a coworker suggested he take her up there to see the area of town that was causing issues within the town hall (where my wife worked). She offered that she only went because she didn’t want the others in the office to think anything if she refused to be alone with the chief of police, but she also shared that she didn’t want to be seen on the cameras getting into the chief of police truck so they suggested she drive down the road so she could get in his truck outside of camera shot.

Later I found she had sent him multiple text messages immediately following the truck drive up into the mountains, but she deleted them all. When I pressed her for what they were about she shared that they were just foolish texts about them opening a bar in town together. She swears up and down that nothing physical happened and I want to believe her, so I told her I did and now I’m stuck in my mind because I don’t trust her.

She did eventually quit the job (a month later), but that was only after the office workers turned on her and rumors started to float around the town hall. So here I am… wife at home again just happy as can be while I secretly struggle through each day because I’m holding in so much pain and don’t trust the situation to be as simple as she presented it.

Not even sure what I’m trying to get out of this, but I just need to purge these thoughts to a safe place. We’ve been married for 17 years and are devoted Christians and have 1 child together.

I can’t even stomach the idea of divorce, but I am struggling with the thoughts racing through my head. Some days I am okay, then BOOM, my mind starts racing and I’m not okay at all.

Sorry you are here.

What you are doing is rugsweeping. I did it to a certain extent and the issue came back many years later. Things dont stay under the rug without consequences.

Please address this now more thoroughly. Share how you feel, what your concetns are and the logic behind them. Her story seems like it is missing key elements. Rumors dont start out of nowhere, what made people think that? Driving down the road to get in a car is clearly a sign of hiding something. Who would buy her explanation? There is more to the story and not knowing it means rugsweeping, false R and lots of pain for you.

One caution before you talk to her: Now she is at home and has a lot more time for an A. Are you monitoring her cell phone location and usage? Seen anything else suspicious?

I know I'm not handling this right, but I just want it to go away and life to go back to the way it was, and I'm aware that is not possible. I am monitoring cell phones and there is nothing out of the normal. During the working timelines, she cut her family out and didn't speak to them. She is now fully engaged with her family, our family, and me. I do think there is more to the story than what she has shared but I also see how hard she is trying. Apologetic, open to any phone searching, and we also have a very advanced home security system, and she hasn't left the house at all, she just sits around and watches TV. I think she is depressed over the whole thing and that is why I am so hesitant in bringing it back up. We've had some great conversations and have grown closer in some ways; however, I haven't been able to deal with my gut feelings of obviously more and I don't like that she can just sit in her lies, but I also want to give her the benefit of the doubt.

Sorry that you're here and sorry that you're hurting. Infidelity sucks. You're right in that things won't be able to go back to what they were.

You may want to read some of the posts that are pinned at the top of the forum, plus the ones that have a bull's eye icon. The Healing Library has a lot of great information and includes the list of acronyms we use.

I would recommend the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. A good book for you to read together is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. HTHYSHFYA is just over 100 pages, but it's a good blueprint that she can use to help you out. NJF is much longer and goes into details of a study done by Dr. Glass. I really liked the chapter on windows and walls because it discusses boundaries. Windows represent transparency between you two, and walls are boundaries that keep out people who are not in your M (marriage).

IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist would probably help you out. Bonus points if they also specialize in infidelity. Your WW (wayward wife) needs IC to dig into her whys. I don't recommend MC (marriage counseling) because the counselor can subtly shift part of the blame to you.

If your friend told you the story that you've shared with us, what would your response be? TBH, I'm thinking that they were physical in the truck or drove to a spot where they could make a bed.

She didn't choose him over you, she chose herself. This wasn't a mistake. A mistake is forgetting to grab a gallon of milk at the store. She made conscious decisions to do this. She could just as easily made decisions to not be in this situation, but she didn't. For example, when the AP (affair partner) made his move, why didn't she contact HR and tell you? Why did she have his phone number to text? Why did she text about non-work related topics?

The racing thoughts? That's fairly normal, unfortunately. It's your brain's response to trauma. Some things you can do to release some of the trauma are physical exercise, yoga, using a baseball bat to whack the crap out of something.

Since her story has changed a couple of times, make her give you a timeline- IN WRITING! Give her time, such as a weekend, then give her a couple of additional days to add or edit what she's given you. Tell her to be honest and -everything- must be in the timeline not just her actions but her thoughts and feelings while in the affair. After she gives you the timeline, you can then tell her you plan to polygraph her on her timeline to see if she's been honest with you... sounds harsh but again this is your marriage and family.

You need to keep digging, look into restoring her deleted texts and emails with a computer/phone expert... she probably had email through work and since he also worked for the city, they may have been communicating through work email. Since she left her work your options of getting those work emails are limited unless you explore divorce and your attorney sends notice to the city requesting preservation and production of all emails and correspondence between your wife and the OM. The city's IT department depending on your state's open records laws, should be able to comply to such a request.

Also was the OM married or does he have a serious girlfriend? I strongly advise you of informing the other betrayed spouse/girlfriend of their actions. The OBS may be able to get the undeleted texts from his phone. Also, most cops, especially the chief, are given work cell phones (or at least a phone stipend, either way their considered work phones.) Depending on how much you want to expose, most governmental agencies frown upon using city resources for illicit matters... you may consider exposing the OM to the city mayor/manager/city council. You have serious leverage here, please at least discuss your issues with a reputable attorney in family law (and a smattering of knowledge in government law wouldn't hurt) Most attorneys offer a free initial consultation or if not free, it will only be around a couple of hundred dollars for an hour of his/her time... not a bad investment to protect yourself going forward in such a serious matter. You need to know at least the basics of divorce in your state-- division of assets, child support, alimony, etc.

I'm not telling you to go scorched earth on your wife right now even though what I've written above seems like it. But you need to keep your eyes and ears open, keep digging and gain some basic knowledge of divorce law in your state. Don't allow your wife to rug-sweep this and please, don't let yourself be a doormat.

Protect yourself and your family.

[This message edited by NukeZombie at 6:28 PM, Wednesday, March 27th]

She's lying.Her story makes zero sense. She went on a drive with him,because people would think it weird if she didnt...yet she drives down the road to meet him?

She quit because people at work found out about the affair.

You can not rugsweep. It will never get better if you do. Infidelity is like an infection. Put a bandaid on it, it festers,and gets worse. You must bring it all out,into the light, in order to heal.

If she was really trying, you would have the truth. You wouldn't have to pretend it was ok, because she would know its not.

There are recovery apps that can't get those deleted messages back. Take her phone,and tell her that's what you're doing. I bet her reaction will be extreme.

Is he married? Speak to his wife.

I’m sorry u are here :(

I would demand you go to marriage counselling and insist in a full disclosure. No rug sweeping or you’ll be back here sooner than later sadly

OkayNotOkay,

I'm sorry you are here sharing your pain. You've come to the right place.

Everyone that is allowed to post here, like me, is a BS (Betrayed Spouse). This may sound harsh but is coming from a good place.

Your wife almost surely had some kind of sex with that guy. Christian or atheist, lovesick kids hug and kiss, amorous adults have sex.

If you choose to sweep this under the rug, it's your call but there is overwhelming evidence that suggests that she'll be unfaithful again if you rug sweep.

It is best that you know the full truth about your WW's dalliance even if you choose to forgive her and reconcile. Some suggestions:

Stop begging her or lashing out in rage. Practice what is known as the 180 technique (Read the healing library linked at the top of the page). Highlights:

* Tell your WW that she has one last chance to come clean or you will start the divorce process. To avoid that she needs to a. give you a full and detailed timeline of her interactions with that man, b. Agree to be polygraphed, c. Agree to STD testing and write a letter of no contact to that man
* Other than matters dealing with your child, keep all interactions with your WW business like and terse
* Ask her to sleep in another room. If she refuses, you do so yourself
* If the OM is married, tell his spouse about this

Now there are apps like Dr. Fone that can help recover deleted texts from her phone. I suggest downloading such an app and trying to see if you can access the deleted content.

We are all here to support you. Good luck!

When the affair became impossible to hide, your wife quit her job to protect her partner and creates an atmosphere of "if I had had an affair, my husband would not have stayed with me."

Forgiveness is good, but if you are with people who deserve it, you will enter this difficult path. Your situation is not suitable for this.

Your wife's perspective on you must have taken a hit, she will not have any problems moving on with her new partner in the future.

You are in love with your dreams and it blocks your vision.

I'm sorry you have found yourself here. I rarely jump to conclusions but in this case I also think she had a physical affair. I'm convinced because I worked for city hall in my town, and interacted with all of our Police Department in my capacity as the Finance Director because I handled payroll and Human Resources as well. If the city hall staff turned on her, it was because she was having an affair with the Police Chief.

I have a different take on why she hasn't been honest with you. She's afraid. In my 25 years doing what I did, there were only three officers ever fired. That's because it is virtually impossible to fire an officer because of how union contracts are written. In two of the cased the officers each committed a felony crime using their credentials and police vehicles. And one was for using the computer in his squad car to watch porn for an average of four hours a day. In each case it took more than 2 years to fire each of them.

She had to know there would be no ramifications for him, it would all be on her. That's why she quit when word got out. The city hall employees would be pissed off for good reason. When you work for the city, a sizable percentage of the community watches your every move to make sure you aren't wasting their taxpayer dollars, which is as it should be. And if one is doing something wrong, the rest of the employees get painted with the same broad brush. How many times have you heard derogatory terms for government workers, inferring they are all lazy and on the take, and rules don't apply to them. In my experience that was not the case for 99% of our city employees.

When it gets out that the police chief is using a truck citizens paid for to carry on an affair, the employees are going to hear about it from anyone who saw them, and its going to make their jobs harder. And you better believe the chief clearly warned her that if she ever admitted it, there would be hell to pay for her, you and your families. None of you would ever be able go a mile over the speed limit without being pulled over. That happened with one of our fired officers in my town. I was threatened by another one of them. I rode to work in the Police Chief's car exactly once. We had a blizzard and it was payroll day. If I couldn't get there, no one would get paid. I didn't drive down the road so no one would see us. Of course I couldn't in the blizzard but I had nothing to hide. In fact we had to respond to an emergency call on the way.

I'm not saying you should let your wife off the hook for lying, and she was dead wrong for cheating. I'm just saying she very likely had added pressure to lie. Calling her dishonest at her core might not be the case. I think it would be helpful to keep the whole picture in perspective. It might get you more honest responses.

Thank you all for the very honest feedback. I'm sickened reading them but in my heart of hearts, I feel the same. Funny how your mind works to fight the truth. I just want to take her at face value and know I can't do it any longer. I do think she is terrified of the Police Chief and made mention of the same that she isn't saying or pushing anything because the town would rally behind him as he is the chief and she is the new hire and we're the new family in a small community. I actually, did speak with the mayor when the rumors surfaced and he dared to tell me: "(My Name), that's just how things are in small towns" I know for a fact that door is closed and my WW is the fall guy, right or wrong. I have had a chance to talk to a few individuals within the community and they all shared that it is known throughout the community that he is a womanizer and they all feel bad for his wife. I have not spoken with his wife, but I think it is time. I have a timeline I put together and have screenshots of the phone records showing their communication. My WW uses an Android phone and the Chef uses an iPhone. It would probably be easier to recover from his phone, but I'm hesitant as this will involve the city and anyway I look at it my family gets hammered. My son goes to school with the Chief's sons and they'll destroy him. I'm feeling stuck... if I talk to his wife or do anything to disrupt the lie the retaliation is very one-sided... while I do believe the community knows the truth they will rally behind the chief. While my wife is responsible for her actions, he was the predator in the situation and it all just makes me sick. I just didn't see this coming and the funny thing is I am the one who pushed her to get a job.

Did the cop pay any thing for this mess? I doubt it. It always falls on the woman. He made the first move from what I understand from reading this. She was like Icarus. She flew too close to the sun. Unlike Icarus she came back to earth, not because of morals, but because of coworkers. They were not going to put up with that mess. If he is married, his wife needs to know ASAP. I’m guessing this is not his first rodeo.

First is getting the truth from your wife.

Then I think next steps, if any, need to be carefully thought out regarding the police chief if there is any chance for retaliation. This forum strenuously recommends informing the OBS and sometimes the employer but there are scenarios where prudence is called for and this may be one of them. Legal counsel might be an option if you can find a lawyer who is not buddies with the local crew.

[This message edited by Trdd at 8:45 PM, Wednesday, March 27th]

I believe asking for a timeline and then following up with a polygraph will produce truth or at least enough of an emotional response that we won't have to go through the lie detector, but I do want to know. I know I keep making excuses for her, but she may be trying to protect more than just herself in this lie, she may be trying to protect me and the family. When I told her I was going down to talk with him, she begged me not to out of concern I would get upset and move to strike and he would draw his weapon in self-defense. He is a tiny little mouse of a young man, and I'm retired military with enough sense to know he would be easily neutralized if it wasn't for his position, tazer, and firearm. I do think she is trying to hide things, but I also think she is trying to protect me. The mayor, magistrate, and police chief all know and are doing nothing. I'm half tempted to just move away from it all. I feel like a coward for not confronting him, but it's just not that simple.

OkayNotOkay,

Powerful men pressuring subordinate women into sex is not a new thing. But with all due respect, based on what you say, it doesn't look like a forced sex or SA case here. Your WW openly told you - her husband - that she was attracted to another man. She committed infidelity right then and there. She then followed it up with what appears to be a consensual physical interaction with that man and shrugged off your pleas to quit that job. She only left after her tawdry affair became a fodder for watercooler gossip at her workplace. She feared the shaming by coworkers more than any guilt she might have felt in breaking her matrimonial vows.

That's the unvarnished truth and I say this with only the best of intentions.

Always follow through with the polygraph. Ws typically agree to it at first, because they don't believe their bh will actually follow through. They think if they act all for it, the bh will think its a waste of money, because they're ws reacted positively. As the test draws near expect a "parking lot confession." They'll drop a major truth bomb,hoping to stop the test. Hoping their bh will think its so awful, there can't possibly be anything more. There's always more. She may admit to an emotional affair..bit it was really physical amd emotional.

Always..always follow through with the test.

You can't begin reconciliation without a foundation of truth.

Allowing her to pretend isn't going to heal either of you.

Honestly, I'm always for telling the obs. Except here. He's the chief of police. He can make your life Hell. He can cause problems for your kid. Let it go. She probably already knows he's a cheater.

Your wife is the problem any way. He couldn't do anything with your wife allowing it.

She's not trying to protect you. Please get that out of your mind. Protecting you would have meant not having the affair in the first place.

Welcome to SI. Very sorry you find yourself here. Please take some time to read in the healing library and pinned threads. Bottom line here is that you need to believe that you have as much of the truth as possible before you can process what has happened. Do follow through with the polygraph and timeline. Your WW was inappropriately approached by her superior who carries a lot of power over her. He will continue this behavior towards other innocent female employees until someone in authority over him demands it. Think about your options. At the same time your WW felt some attraction towards him and informed you of that attraction. The chemistry and opportunity existed for a PA, but I have no idea what exactly transpired during their interactions, and it would be foolish to claim I know. In order to move forward your WW has to go over and above to be honest and transparent if she wants your trust. Good luck.

Just wanted to say that your wife currently is the opposite of a devoted Christian.

She didn’t make a mistake, she revealed her character. She revealed who she is.

You are in your rights to ask her to essentially change fundamentally who she is, because who she is right now is unacceptable to you, as evidenced by your horrific pain.

I wouldn’t get too distracted with going after the town Burgermeister. Your issue is with your wife.

At this point, in the still developing story, she doesn’t appear to be a victim. She doesn’t claim to be a victim. She seems to be a typical willing co-operator in a very typical affair of some sort. Many times a BS will focus their grievances on the AP for various reasons, few of which will result in anything productive. Sometimes it’s easier for us to accept that our WSs are victims rather than very willing cooperators.

I would continue your fact gathering mission leaving out contact with the AP or any Town property (phones, computers, security cameras, GPS logs). I would not go down that investigatory path unless I was prepared to escalate, had good reason to escalate and have the guidance and support of an attorney.

I believe you should be able to find out all you need to know via a low level, discreet investigation of your wife’s phone via a cell phone forensic specialist, her phone records, tracking history, search engine history, App use history, etc. I would take possession of your wife’s phone (if it’s not a town owned phone) and tell her you’re going to send it to a forensic investigator and they will be able to retrieve all deleted texts and location tracking. She may just cave on that alone. My WW did.

I would also insist on full disclosure, with a truth ultimatum of clearly stated consequences for trickle truth and dishonesty, together with the clearly stated benefits of honesty, full disclosure and transparency, that you can also reinforce with a polygraph, if you choose.

This should put pressure on her to take advantage of her fleeting window of opportunity to fully disclose, to lay it all out, get it off her chest, get it out of mind, so that you both can move cleanly forward with reconciliation on a foundation of absolute honesty and emotional intimacy. Any fragments of mystery, any missing blanks will foment and gnaw at you adversely affecting reconciliation.

At this point, it sounds like a near-miss EA, BUT…

There are aspects of her story that are not adding up that the other posters have well singled out. There may not have been sex, but there’s a good chance there’s more to the evolution of this relationship, the build up.

The hug. Was it a comforting hug after she confided something? Was it an affectionate hug? Was it a congratulatory hug, side hug, flirting hug, from the back hug, hug around the waist, reciprocated, unreciprocated, etc. ?

The whole trip into the mountains, driving separate cars, ditching her car, so they would not be seen on cameras just BEGS further investigation. They seem overly concerned, taking excessive precautions for what should have been a normal professional business trip. The precautions they took actually made the whole thing look even more suspicious, actually ridiculous.

The extent of the co-worker rumor mill.

The deleted texts. Opening a bar together? How did THAT conversation evolve? Opening a bar with a new opposite sex subordinate?

Notifying the OBS. I’m usually a champion of this cause, but in this particular instance, I would be careful, weigh the risks vs the gains carefully.

Your wife already made a huge revelation:

She has chemistry with the AP, he has chemistry for her, and…

they disclosed that mutual chemistry to each other, in confidence, and acted on that chemistry to some degree, and they kept their feelings and actions covert.

That is considered by many to be the definition of an EA.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 12:00 AM, Thursday, March 28th]