SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ink,

A stable, loving dad makes a world of difference. Unless you do the things your dad did, your kids will not have the experience with divorce that you did.

Ink,

Kids deserve (when I use this word, I really mean it) to have two loving stable parents. Life doesn’t acquiesce many times. I can’t give that to them. Maybe I need to stop pretending like I can.

You are right on this. Parents need to be accountable to their kids, as the parents are the ones who brought them into the world.

Am also a child of divorced parents, and it also did affect me. What affected me the most was that both parents and my siblings isolated themselves after the D, and we all went about our lives as islands. No more family unit. That was what screwed me up the most.

D does not mean broken kids. Kids get broken when their parents don't show them what love is. You can avoid broken kids by being the safe and stable one for your kids. At least one parent needs to be able to guide and nurture the kids, you don't really need two. There are quite a few people who were brought up healthily in a single parent environment.

Also, the fear of D is normal, as it is a mammoth undertaking. The repercussions can be far and wide if not managed well.

Not too sure if this will help, but as with all big tasks, try and break it into smaller and more manageable components. In a way, like dominos. once one task has been done, it can be ticked off the list, then move on to the next task.

This will give you a sense of progress and achievement, and the big task will not seem insurmountable.

How old is your youngest?

12

Amazing what some exercise can do to focus the mind.

I want to thank everyone for the amazing support and vulnerable responses yesterday.

Regarding the kids: I think the truth is that now that I have lost any reasonable hope for a good R, I really have no idea how to choose on their behalf. There is danger for them in staying put, and there is danger for them in divorce. I generally try to be far more precise than that, but the honest truth is I don’t know how to in this situation. I don’t know which will hurt them more and as hard as it is to say, I think I need to try to take that out of my decision making process as it’s too complex and paralyzing. I will have to make my choice(s), and do my best to monitor them and try to respond and limit the damage. I don’t have any misgivings that I can fully mitigate, but I can hope that my love and support will be enough.

I love my children. I can’t keep them completely safe. I’m going to do the best I can with the situation we are in and keep making choices in their interest going forward, D, R, or limbo.

n. I don’t know which will hurt them more and as hard as it is to say, I think I need to try to take that out of my decision making process as it’s too complex and paralyzing. I will have to make my choice(s), and do my best to monitor them and try to respond and limit the damage

This is the truth.

In the end the things with kids that make an impact is you paid attention, you loved them, you kept a line of solid communication.

Truth is your biggest responsibility is to model healthy behavior. I think divorce can contain that. Outside of the affair, it seems like you feel generally okay with her parenting?

I am assuming some if not all the kids know about the affair. They have to be aware of the IHS. How are they doing? I am guessing at their ages most if not all are more concerned with their peers and school and their lives more than they focus on their parents. And moving forward the things they are going to care about is not having to change schools or other ways it messes with what they have going on. I am not saying they will be in effected by the divorce, but the past two years at your house probably was no better or worse than what it will look like if you divorce.

When you look at our parents generation and how they parented it was the Wild West compared to today. And the emotional intelligence of kids today blows my mind compared to when I was a kid. They have different influences and resources.

I think often we have to decide what’s best for us and bring them along with us the best we can. That is modeling healthy behavior.

Ink, while I have no idea what the best answer is, I can only say that if I were in your shoes, I would just try to move forward with integrity and grace. Show your kids that being a caring, honest, decent man is all you can be and who you are. Show them that honesty and integrity are good qualities to have, and support them to the best of your ability. I have no doubts that in the future, your love and way of life will leave a solid and lasting impression on them. They will know who you are and they will know that you are their rock who will be there for them any time they need you. You will be their idol and you will be the one they will grow to want to imitate.

[This message edited by Copingmybest at 1:37 AM, Thursday, April 4th]

Outside of the affair, it seems like you feel generally okay with her parenting?

Outside of the affair and her indefensible actions of bringing them into contact with POSOM, she is a good mother. And in the grand calculus of life, I judge that the kids are better off with her as a big part of their life than not. I disagree with elements of her parenting, as she does with mine, but absolutely nothing that would question her fitness as a mother.

I am assuming some if not all the kids know about the affair. They have to be aware of the IHS. How are they doing?

The kids know, my wife fairly impulsively told them a day or two after d-day. She would probably now blame me for that, saying that I expected it of her or some bullshit, but I was in complete shell shock and wasn’t thinking clearly enough to even think about stopping her. To this day I’m not sure if that was a good thing, but it happened.

The kids seem to be getting along with their lives. It breaks my heart a little to say, but they all have a decent amount of their mother’s emotional stuffing, it’s hard to get a direct read on them. But from what I can see, they seem to be doing alright.

They will know who you are and they will know that you are their rock who will be there for them any time they need you. You will be their idol and you will be the one they will grow to want to imitate.

🥲 That would be my vision of successful fatherhood. I deeply hope for that.

Just had a beautiful moment with my kids; just me and them, getting ready for school and work, being in the kitchen together. It was what a family is supposed to be in my mind. Jokes, laughter, light heartedness.

Maybe it’s her, maybe it’s her and me mixing together, but we don’t have that atmosphere nearly enough in this house. Gives me a data point that maybe we’re all just better off getting out of this shit show.

Maybe it’s her, maybe it’s her and me mixing together, but we don’t have that atmosphere nearly enough in this house. Gives me a data point that maybe we’re all just better off getting out of this shit show.

Quality over quantity. We see a lot of BS stay much longer than they should because they fear breaking up their kids family or getting to spend less time with them. They don't see that keeping themselves in the frying pan prevents them from being the parents they can be. Stopping your lonely uphill battle has removed quite the burden from you and that's already having an positive impact on your kids life. I know you are still torn but just flipping from seeking to R but maybe D to D but keeping R as an option, helps you move yourself out of the infidelity your WW inflicted on you.

I can’t claim to know the answer.

I do think you sound better. I personally think that no matter what path you take it will be clearer the less pressure you put on yourself towards the outcome. It’s been my experience when things are still, clarity lands. Sometimes we have to surrender and listen for our steps to be guided.

Best wishes for a positive MC experience today. I hope Mrs. Hulk is doing better too.

just me and them, getting ready for school and work, being in the kitchen together. It was what a family is supposed to be in my mind. Jokes, laughter, light heartedness.

Just you and the kids.

Family's come in all different forms. Being a single dad, with the kids, doesn't make you less of a family. You're still a family. It just looks different than before, but not any less of a family.

"I cannot wrap my head around a consistent narrative of what drives her."

My viewpoint is that wayward and faithful behaviors are driven by very different things. Very different whys. Very different thought processes. I will never understand EXWH’s whys. We are too different. I turned myself inside out trying to understand him from my perspective. That was very dangerous for me.
He did things to me that I could never dream of doing to another human being much less my covenant spouse.

He shows no empathy. He does not seek the best for me or our family. He to this day has presented the narrative that the cheating and related abuse shehawk got she deserved. This is not true of all waywards and everyone’s mileage may vary.

As for me…
I personally invested too little in myself. I needed to be much more concerned with shehawk and much less focused on other people sadly. I needed to spend the $ on high quality trauma informed IC or coaching. And I needed to get myself and children out of I immedietely.
No rug sweeping. No second chances without changed behavior and full responsibility.

Personally I needed to divorce much sooner and with the focus fully on me. I gave him way too much consideration and treated him how I would want to be treated.

But lesson learned. For me it was never a yes or no stay or go dichotomy like I thought it was. If he wanted to straighten himself out and be a safe family member with a conscious he could do so at any time and I could have acted accordingly. Divorce is not a one way street in my opinion. But it is a legitimate way to separate myself from an unsafe person and situation.

I wish you peace and healing with whatever you choose as your best path forward from I.

@InkHulk, with a dad like you, your kids will be OK.

When you D, you will have a lot of time with your kids without the competing influence of your WW causing chaos. I know you will search hard for--and be good at finding--the balance between respecting your kids' relationships with WW, while at the same time making sure they don't fall under her crazy. You will have those sweet moments getting them ready for school, and later on college.

On a more practical note, maybe you can involve them in the decision-making on e.g., where to move? As in you ask for and take their input (within reason of course)....

Thing is, Man Makes Plans And God Laughs. You did the very best you could to protect your kids against infidelity and to R but that was completely out of your hands. Just as much as it is say when someone gets cancer or some sort of serious illness--there is hardly anything you can do to protect against an event like that. You are running an admirable race.

I simply cannot imagine IHS being fun for anyone right now, and meanwhile, you do have to model to your sons and daughters about not settling for bad treatment from your partner. What would you be saying if this were any of YOUR SONS married to an awful WW? Do you really want them to be martyrs? Or to *learn to be* martyrs?

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 3:55 AM, Friday, April 5th]

How are you and the family going IH?

I’m traveling for work this week, so things have been quiet. Giving my sore thumbs a chance to rest and be quiet here for a while

Thanks for the update IH,

I hope the trip goes well, and your family are adjusting to their new reality, especially your children.
I appreciate your comment:

It breaks my heart a little to say, but they all have a decent amount of their mother’s emotional stuffing, it’s hard to get a direct read on them.

I'm made the same way, an internal processor who doesn't let much out.
It's taken me years to overcome this tendency to keep things to myself, but with resolve, instruction and good modelling I am far better at understanding and processing my emotions and expressing them in healthy ways.
Hopefully you can be a great model for them.
I love the way you have grown to understand your Dad and deal with the impact he had on your life.

Giving my sore thumbs a chance to rest

Give me 10 fingers on the computer any day, I'm a really slow texter.
Hang in there mate,
FAWH

i have been thinking of you IH, how are things?

You’ve been on my mind too, MCC, I do deeply hope that spark is coming back to life in you.

I’m doing alright. In the last two weeks the decision has really settled in my heart and mind. I don’t think anything is going to change and I don’t think even if she showed up on the wayward forum and did everything to a perfect T that I would even want to step back into attempting R with her. And I’m 99.9% sure she isn’t going to do that anyway.

We haven’t told the kids yet. That is going to be a shitty day that will go down in infamy. We are working to get the house ready to sell. I’m getting ideas going of where I’d want to live next, and I’m really sad that my kids are going to lose this house and all the relationships with friends in the neighborhood. But it can’t be helped at this point.

I have some hope for the future. I think there a lot of dark days ahead before that future will be realized, but I’ve got a little hope.

With our kids we all have to make decisions that may cause deep and profound pain in the short term, but allow them to have the best in the long term. With D, the immediate impact will be enormous, there is nothing to be done to prevent it. Ultimately, it’s the long game, it’s the gamble of will their life be better down the line because I can be the best parent if I make this decision.

It sucks. I’d assume most kids don’t want their parents to split, and there will be long term consequences for them because of it. That being said, if you feel it’s what allows you to do the best you can for them, then I would say trust yourself.

Wish you and your family all the best. I haven’t read your entire thread, I just want to leave one last advice that my lawyer gave me.

He told me if I go through with D, to love the kids more than I hate the situation or my W. Destroying her in the D process doesn’t make her a better mom nor does it help our kids. Compromise was more important than pride.

I think about that a lot. It’s helped me even though I changed my mind about D.