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I did ask he why she did it, and she couldn’t answer. She says she’s thought a lot about it and can’t come up with an answer that makes sense.

Actually it's simple. She did it because she could. She wouldn't have left you for him. When she got back from him she probably felt some affection for you and what you had done for her but that OM was her guilty pleasure. She must have felt she deserved it. But she really chose a big steaming pile of dung. Imagine if he didn't turn out to be a con artist would she have reacted the same way?

JustCrushed... I want you to know that we are all behind you. Keep posting.

I am curious about something that is probably incidental and really doesn't matter, but I thought some about it this afternoon.

How did she meet the low-life scumbag? Did her friends hook her up with him... sort of like a prearranged meeting in a bar? Or, was he just someone who decided to hit on her in a bar when she was with her friends, and she decided to just go with it then and there, and have sex with him?

As I said, it doesn't matter. I was just curious as to how much her friends were involved in this whole mess. In the past I have heard the saying that a person's character is a composite or average of their 5 closest friend's characters, or something like that.

Or maybe I missed something that has previously been discussed. If this has previously been discussed I apologize for bringing it up.

Take care and good luck.

I did ask he why she did it, and she couldn’t answer. She says she’s thought a lot about it and can’t come up with an answer that makes sense.

The answer is easy: she did it because she wanted to do it. Clearly she really wanted to do it, as evidenced by the amount of energy and imagination she invested into initiating and carrying on the affair over such an extended time period, with so much frequency of engagement with the AP.

Clearly she really wanted to do it, as evidenced by the amount of energy and imagination she invested into initiating and carrying on the affair over such an extended time period,

And the enormous risk she took and all that was at stake, not just the marriage, but knowing the effect it would have on you, her reputation, her integrity. They do know it. They do realize it. Even in their fog they’re constantly aware of it, yet they proceed.

These things are rarely random, incidental "mistakes". The cheating begins in the mind and is realized by very conscious, thoughtful degrees, with repeatedly by-passed opportunities to off-ramp the affair. It takes hard work to lead a double life. Look how much effort goes into leading a singular above-board life, tendering to a single primary relationship, and family. It must be mentally and physically exhausting to maintain an affair, and your peace of mind.

They do it because they really want to, and/or because it feels really good.

Always sounds like a form of addiction to me.

When you listen to an addict, they describe their descent into addiction as a slippery insidious slope, that also involved a lot of well thought out, concerted effort and multiple opportunities to quit.

The WS needs to find out why they wanted this, why it feels so good and, most importantly, why they chose this mutually destructive path to “happiness”.

That answer is not as easy to definitively determine as some might think, and sometimes it’s as plain as the nose on their face.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 1:56 AM, Saturday, March 23rd]

When you talk to the girls and the in-laws next week, I suggest that you provide them with a copy of the PI report on the AP and also a copy of the text she sent to him on your anniversary. Giving them the PI report will allow them to make a compararison of AP to you and also may discourage her from later attempting to introduce AP to them. Giving them a copy of the anniversary text may discourage them from pressuring you to attempt R with her.

Please don’t give in to her request that your share of the girls college expenses be included in the divorce. She might claim that the only reason you were paying those expenses was because she insisted they be included in the divorce. She could claim credit for you making those payments and at the same time infer that you might not have otherwise made them.

Regarding the anniversary texts, if she was to give the girls and her parents the excuse of "She was just telling him what she thought he wanted to hear", repeat your response that there is 5 months proof of her lying to you but a lack of any proof that she ever lied to AP.

No, he should not give that info to the girls or to her parents. That would be devastating. The only thing they need to know is that they are divorcing due to infidelity on her part. That's it. Why would you show something like that to loving parents or children?

Hi JC,
I hope you’re doing well. I know this is the weekend you’re moving into a new place - and you also mentioned in the coming days you’ll speak to your in-laws. I know many here on SI are leaning heavily on full disclosure of the affair to the in-laws. I’d like to offer my perspective on that. None of us on this forum know your in-laws like you do and so it’s impossible for any one of us to really say what would be the best approach, what are things that should or should not be said, or how much detail you should get into. Same goes for your step-daughters. In 2000 my BIL had an affair, and since he was a minister in a church, a bunch of details leaked and it was QUITE the scandal. My H and our family were several states away living on a military installation and until my H could get some leave, we didn’t get back home until several months later. We got there when the divorce was in full swing and my SIL had already kicked out my BIL. (THIS happened before my WH had his A in 2012). I remember a conversation I had with my MIL about this whole situation. She was FIERCELY protective of her sons. And I remember feeling very guarded years earlier when I was newly married to my H, her youngest son, her "baby". She was a mother hen for sure. I always felt like she believed they could do no wrong - ever. During this family visit, I was asking how my SIL and the kids were holding up? And my MIL proceeded to explain that the "reason" my BIL had cheated is because "men have needs". My FIL nodded in agreement - they BOTH felt this way. And apparently SIL wasn’t keeping up her "wifely duties" after the birth of their baby. So "naturally" he had to find release elsewhere. And that came by way of him befriending a young girl - a member of his congregation - and having sex with her. It was scandalous because that girl was 17. My MIL was FULL of excuses as to why her son cheated. Never once taking up for her DIL. NEVER ONCE admitting how wrong and disgusting it was that her son preyed on an impressionable young girl. In fact, she pretty much placed the blame of this whole scandal at the feet of the wife and the victim. I just remember thinking, well, I know where she stands. Also - it was very clear that she would always side with her son, even though he was VERY guilty. And not just this son - she had three, my H was the baby of the family. I even told my H at they time that I felt very uncomfortable that his mom was basically taking up for his sick brother. And H said "she’s always been that way" - she would tell her sons, whatever makes you happy, I support you. I never realized how literal that statement was until 12 yrs later when my own H had his A. When that happened, I kept away from his side of the family because they were all deniers and apologists. The whole A was a shitstorm, D was filed, we separated, all that. I’m giving the cliff notes version here but we eventually decided to reconcile. I remember going out to MIL’s house to help my H pick up his things - that’s where he’d moved to temporarily during the separation. And MIL gave me a hug - like a "welcome back to the family" weird hug. And she said "We all make mistakes". I share this because there was NO way in hell I would have wanted to have a sit down conversation with my H’s family, my in-laws, and tell them all what H was doing, about the affair, or share any details. Because I knew that they would NEVER support me and they would never admonish my H for what he was doing. In my in-laws eyes - though they never said it out loud to me - I’m sure that they saw ME as the one to blame as to why my H, their son, cheated. So maybe you just think twice about what information you think your in laws would be willing to receive and what they’d do with that information. In my case, I knew I would not find an ally in my in laws, so I wasn’t going to waste precious time having a sit down and revealing what my WH was doing to our family. I know a lot of advice gets thrown around here about shining a big spotlight on the affair, tell friends, tell family - and I did the same thing, I shared, I told. But with my MIL, I knew she’d never support me and NO MATTER what her son did, she would always take up for him. I just wanted to share that. Good luck to you this weekend - sending positive thoughts and good vibes your way!

Whelp I hope she can figure it out. If not for you and your relationship with her, at least before she ever has another one.

This is not on you to communicate, but if it ever comes up, she should completely drop her enabling friends from her life, regardless of what happens between you and her.

She should absolutely see them as complicit in helping her ruin her life and a big step toward rebuilding who she is would be to completely block them and find a new friend group that supports fidelity and not cheating and destroying.

I wish you well on navigating this divorce.

You are handling everything extremely well JC. And I can imagine that you are doing this while really hurting.

You did rhe right thing in NOT having sex "one last time" w WW. Would it be beneath her to use a pregnancy scare to try to keep you? We have no idea at this point.

Your WW is not a safe partner now--she has no idea why she did what she did, which means she is all too likely to do cheat again. Her choice of words is telling--she may be "deeply ashamed" but what about the pain she caused YOU? All that appears to be demonstrated is that she is crushed that her life is changing and ashamed of how it came to be--what it says about HER.

Keep posting Friend, we got your back.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 5:41 AM, Sunday, March 24th]

There is no reason to show the kids that text. They are already going to be devastated by the divorce. They clearly think of JC as their father. This is the break up of their family. No need to traumatize them by showing them that text.

Jc, it is important that they know the truth. That the divorce is happening because their mom cheated. They are old enough to know what happened. They also deserve to know their "dad" didn't cheat,and isn't leaving their mom because he doesn't want to be a member of the family anymore. But there is zero reason to further cause them pain.

THIS ^^

I agree with the others that the daughters should NOT be shown the texts.

Now, they NEED to know *why* JC is getting divorced to their mother as this is THEIR lives too. They need to know that JC didn't just decide to walk out on them and their Mom. Which means they need to know that the reason for the divorce is WW's affair. But they do not need the gory details.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 7:22 PM, Sunday, March 24th]

I want to retract my prior recommendation of sharing the anniversary texts. I have to agree with others that sharing them with the girls and in-laws could be traumatizing and should not be done. Also, I would not give them all a copy of the PI report. Instead, I would discuss with the in-laws the highlights of the PI report and my sincere hope that for her own sake, she continues to remains NC with the AP.

I don't understand why people say to not show the texts.

It's the truth. It's factual. It's not made up.

By not showing the texts we are taking away the only things he has left: his agency and his ability to control the narrative.

Because those texts are vulgar, and not something any child,regardless of age,should ever read. She is their mother. No child needs to read their mother's sexts.

He doesn't have to prove anything, to anyone. He has his agency. He is making decisions for himself,based on the facts.

He could show the texts,and she could tell people he was neglecting her. So she can spin that narrative any way she wants.

He simply needs to be honest with those in his life. What she says to those people is on her. Letting her children read sexual texts, regardless of the situation, is gross.

He doesn't need to prove his side to anyone. He just needs to live his life in a way that he's able to look himself in the mirror, and know he's a good man.

I would also say do NOT show the texts to your children. If you divorce, you do not have to have a relationship with your WW, your children though will. It would not be fair to your kids to see how your WW behaved with her AP. I understand being upset and wanting revenge or some form of punishment for your spouse but your children should not be a part of that. I am sure that they will be told generally what happened.
When my FWS and i got divorced, my kids were told a sanitized version of why. We did not go into the details. They were teenagers and know what happens in an affair.
Crushed, I would not listen to anyone that says your children deserve to know how cruel your WW was during her affair. We all know that an affair is cruel. Kids are smarter than we think. Support your kids and make sure they know that while you are hurt and upset by her actions that your anger is your own and not theirs. They can be angry but do not need to be angry for you.

Not showing the sexts has zero to do with protecting her in any way. It's about not causing further trauma to those kids.

We have bs, grown adults, who are haunted by the messages they read. No need to inflict that pain on a child. Ever.

Age appropriate honesty. Always.

mindracing:
you would not show your kids photos of your spouse involved in sex acts with another person. That would scar your child. Showing the kids the texts would scar the children as well. You talk about taking away the OP agency but what about the childrens agency?
Both of my parents were cheating on each other. My father was recording my moms phone calls. He recorded her saying that she shouldnt have had kids. My father played this recording to my brother and I numerous times to show how HE was the one who wanted us.
Does this make my father the better parent? Do you as a parent want your kids to feel like their other parent never wanted them? Do it make your children feel happy to hear that recording several times. I dont understand why you would use your kids pain in that way. My childhood and relationship with my parents was a nightmare growing up with not feeling truly loved by either parent. Feeling like a pawn in their game of child support. My brother and I were emotional hostages waiting for the next bombshell to destroy our relationship with whichever parent we were closest to at the time.
This is not a game that can be reset once it is started

I too am a product of divorce. My dad took the high road. My mom didn't. As a result I had a very skewed idea of what happened.

It impacted my relationship with my dad for decades. I wish I would have known more of the details earlier.

He can redact the sexual parts. But phrases like, "I imagined it was you" should be shown.

Also, the kids are young adults. My advice would be different for little kids. But college age... Cmon. What are you protecting them from?

All the kids need is non-graphic evidence that she cheated.

I saved all the evidence I have which is in the form of apology letters from my ExWW claiming she cheated on a good marriage and that I, nor the marriage, was the reason she cheated.

I saved this in the event she might someday attempt to rewrite history, change the narrative with the kids. And guess what? She did! She did exactly that, at my expense, and I’m damned glad I had that evidence.

I would never share graphic sexual details with my kids. My ExWW is there Mother. They are mentally and physically a part of her. Desecrating her image in that manner is unnecessary-even sadistic, and could damage a degree of their own self image.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 4:18 PM, Monday, March 25th]