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My wife and I have been married for 12 years and have two children, ages 7 and 10. She grew up Catholic but didn't actually come to know Christ until after we were married and she started attending church with me, so at this point we are both Christians. Most mornings, before all this happened, she would spend time with God in various ways, serves and volunteers with the church, member of women's bible study, attends as many worship events as she can manage, and as a homeschool mom, leads the children in their faith as part of their daily study.

Anyway, she is natively from Vietnam and left her home about 14 years ago to get her masters degree here in the US. I met her while she was in her final year of college. As is typical for Vietnam, her parents forced her come to the US so she could get her masters, then her PhD, and a good job so she could bring them here. Unfortunately, she didn't know that is why they were encouraging her to study abroad, and she thought she would be returning after getting her master degree. Anyway, she left her boyfriend behind in Vietnam intending to return to him when she finished her masters, but as I said, that never happened. There was a point while she was at college that she was at her emotional lowest (lonely being in the US practically alone, missing family and friends, and didn't want to be here) that she called crying and begging her parents to allow her to return but they refused. She resigned herself that she was stuck here and let that relationship with her boyfriend go, and started dating here in the US.

This was maybe a year or so before we met. Anyway, we did meet, dated, got married, etc. She still had him as a friend on Facebook but I asked her to remove him because I was uncomfortable with that whole relationship and how it ended. She was reluctant to unfriend him, but did finally do it at the point we were expecting our first child. Fast forward to last summer, and she finally had a chance to go back home to Vietnam for a 3 week trip while I stayed here to look after our children. She told me, while she was planning her trip, that one of the cities she wanted to visit where many of her friends lived, was the same city where the ex-boyfriend lived. She told me that she would not go to that city if I didn't want her to go, but she would really like to visit again since it was one of her favorite places and many friends lived there. She also warned me that the ex-boyfriend was there and they had many of the same friends, so she might end up bumping into him while she was there.

I told her that I trusted her and that it would be fine for her to go. Well a few days after coming to this city, she did end up meeting with that group of friends and spending quite a bit of time around the ex-boyfriend. After I talked with her about this, I told her I was uncomfortable with it and asked her not to be around him any longer. She said she was never alone with him, that they were always part of a large group of friends, and that she just wanted a chance to apologize to him for how things happened in the past and ask his forgiveness. I begged her not to be around him anymore, but she refused. She said I was being unreasonable as this group of friends included him and it would be rude to walk away just because of his being there.

Ultimately, I asked her to at least promise that she would not be alone with him, to which she promised. She said, yes absolutely I can promise that won't happen. Also, she was staying in a villa with a friend of hers from high school, that basically went everywhere my wife did, so I felt at least some assurance that she wasn't alone around him. She was in that city for two more days. After her last night in that city, I had some suspicions that something happened with the ex-boyfriend. I won't get into the details of those suspicions, but when I asked her about it, she promised me that nothing happened. She said that she and he both had families that they both cherished, they were just old friends, and that she would not be stupid enough to do anything like that to jeopardize her family. However, I was pretty adamant that I thought she had done something inappropriate with him, which caused her to block me entirely and not speak to me at all for the remaining 6 days of her time in Vietnam.

After she returned home, things were fairly back to normal except there were some instances where she would just lash out in anger at me or the kids seemingly out of nowhere. Finally, after about two months she had a complete mental breakdown and told me that on the final night that she was in the city, they were out late and her friend decided to return to the villa early but she stayed behind with the group for several more hours and the ex-boyfriend offered to drive her back to the villa where she was staying. This was the first time they had been alone and so she took this opportunity to talk about what happened between them, that she was forced to leave, hoped he could forgive her for the way it happened, etc. She said that he started saying things to her like, he never blamed her for anything, that he had always still cared about her, that as he struggled to start his business and move on in life, he always thought of her as an inspiration to him. She said that she was filled with a flood of emotions being around him again that she thought was long gone, that she just couldn't control her feelings and she tried so hard to stay away from him, but couldn't. She also said that she felt she was strong enough to withstand it going any further than talking.

Once they had arrived at the villa (it was around 1:00 am at this point) the guy reached over to hug her before she got out of the car, but then started kissing her. She said, at that point she just stopped fighting her feelings and let everything happen that he wanted to happen. She said that they ended up having sex in his car. She said it wasn't anything planned or pre-meditated and that she just couldn't control it. She said that she didn't entirely blame him, because in that moment, she wanted it to happen also. I believe the story for the most part, as her friend confirmed that they were always amongst a large group of mutual friends. What is worse, the ex-boyfriend is also married with a little boy of his own.

My wife said she intended to keep this a secret the rest of her life but that it had been killing her inside ever since and even though she had repented so many times to God it wasn't enough and ultimately, had to tell me. She claims that she never wanted or intended it to happen, and that she had ceased all communication with him as soon as they parted ways. She said that, after it was over, there was absolutely no feelings in her heart for him, but utter shame, guilt, and remorse instead.

I am so very broken now because of this. She was unfaithful to me and betrayed me, even after I asked her not to be around him. She lied when I asked about it. I am left with so many questions like...did she seek him out with the intention of having sex with him or even just the hope that it would happen? Did she know she had feelings for him and wanted to be around him from the beginning? How much actual truth do I have at this point? All of it? Half of it? But, she also confessed when I would have never known the truth otherwise. She said that she had intended to take this to her grave and never tell another living soul but it was killing her inside and that I deserved to know.

Well...here we are. She doesn't want a divorce and says that it was just a huge mistake and that she would never allow anything like this to happen again. But, amidst my pain, brokenness, and hard conversations, she has said things like, "for me this isn't that big of a deal", "I don't really consider this adultery", "I can see how you feel this is a betrayal, but I don't feel that I betrayed you." Since then, we have been working very hard at reconciliation and healing. In the beginning, we were able to have very raw conversations without anger or resentment but with understanding. Now though, I am 6 months past D-Day and 8 months since the affair, and I am still really struggling. Can I trust this will never happen again? Is it worth staying with someone who, when given the chance, threw me away and placed no value on me, our marriage, and our family? Is this just the first of a string of heartbreaks yet to come?

How can you be working hard on R, if she isn't even sorry,and doesn't feel she cheated?

She's taken zero responsibility.

What work is she doing to become a safe partner?

Have you called his wife,and told her? She deserves to know.

I am so sorry this happened to you.

Your wife turned her visit home into a sexcation with her ex while breaking every boundary you graciously forewarned her of intentionally and she doesn't even consider it a betrayal.

I'd love to know what her definition of betrayal looks like. She's a piece of work and sees you as a doormat that will not hold her accountable. I hope you prove her wrong so hard she gets whiplash.

But, amidst my pain, brokenness, and hard conversations, she has said things like, "for me this isn't that big of a deal", "I don't really consider this adultery", "I can see how you feel this is a betrayal, but I don't feel that I betrayed you."

She doesn't really believe that. She knows she betrayed you, that it's a big deal, and that it's adultery, which is why "it had been killing her inside ever since and even though she had repented so many times to God it wasn't enough and ultimately, had to tell me."

Call her on it. And maybe schedule a meeting with your pastor.

I am very sorry for what has happened and what you are going through. Being betrayed is one of the most traumatizing experiences for the human heart. I hope you are getting the help (counseling, trusted friends, sleep, eating healthy) you need to get through these tough days

First of all, the biggest red flag is your wife saying "I don’t really consider this adultery". Right there is a HUGE problem. She says she’s repented before God but what exactly did she repent of? The BIble makes it very clear as to what adultery is. Adultery is having a sexual relationship with someone other than your spouse. And for her to say that she didn’t betray you is outrageous. If what she did is not the ultimate betrayal, I don’t know what is. I am very sorry but your wife is in denial. She is minimizing her actions. In her mind, what she did is not that bad. Therefore, there isn’t much for her to fix, repair, atone for, and work at. Until she comes to terms with what she has done to you, your marriage, herself, and most importantly God, she is not a good candidate for reconciliation. She needs to wake up to the truth of what she has done and understand the damage, devastation, and pain she has caused you.

[This message edited by cedarwoods at 11:32 PM, Tuesday, February 6th]

I also want to add that your wife’s current mindset is dangerous. It is no wonder you are struggling. Your wife is minimizing and gaslighting the damage done to you. Your wife is making you feel like you are making a big deal out of a small thing. I assure you what has happened to you is no small thing. It has rocked your world to the core.
If you haven’t already done so, I highly suggest you get a Christian counselor to help you sort things out. Affair recovery website has good online programs for the betrayed and the wayward. Please do not rugsweep in hopes your wife will not do this again. I know there’s a lot of pain but you need to do it right if your wife is to not betray you again.
And please know that there is still hope for your marriage. There is hope for your wife to wake up and truly repent. There is hope for your you both. Please do not give up.

I fully believe we often can't be sure of another person's heart and intentions. That's my belief and yet I am contradicting it by saying that your WW wanted to sleep with him all along. It may have been intentional, it may have been buried deep down, but she wanted it and deliberately made decisions to put herself in a place where it might happen. It seems very clear to me from how you wrote the story.

She is denying it, which tells me she is either intentionally lying or she is rationalizing heavily. Either way it means she is not actively doing the work she needs to do to be a safe spouse for you. Now in addition to this she is saying it wasn't that bad, it wasn't infidelity etc. That shows zero actual remorse! ZERO.

She is not safe for you or the marriage. If she won't acknowledge she did anything wrong then of course you may be at risk for a relapse. Just wait for her to suggest another trip home next year. Or starting to hang out with new Vietnamese friends on her own... or what ever it turns out to be. Personally, I think if she were actually remorseful, in IC and taking actions to be safe for the marriage (no more unaccompanied trips to Vietnam, ever, among many other things) and taking steps to heal you then I think it might well be worth trying R. Married with 2 kids and she had a ONS in her home country. But in her current state? No, she is not R worthy or safe.

Hi DNB, welcome to SI and the circumstances that brought you here. In the JFO (Just Found Out) forum, there are some posts pinned to the top that you may find helpful. There is a post that is titled Before You Say Reconcile - Recover that has some valid points. The Healing Library has some great information, including the list of acronyms we use.

says that it was just a huge mistake

Nope, not a mistake. A mistake is forgetting to grab a gallon of milk at the store. She made conscious decisions to be in the situation she was in, and the A was her choice. You even asked her not to be around him and she refused.

I don't really consider this adultery

This is literally the definition of adultery.

Her lack of empathy for your pain is concerning.

How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald is a good blueprint of what she needs to do to help you heal. Also, Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass is another good book.

You both should be tested for STDs/STIs, and ask her to show you the results. More than likely they didn't use protection. If you're having trouble sleeping or with anxiety/depression, ask your doctor for meds. They can really be helpful during this time.

Usedandneverloved: you have a p.m.

I want to clarify that I don't see OP as a doormat. I see his WW's attitude as indicative that she does. As I said I hope he finds the strength to move in a way that protects and values himself.

Iam in your corner, damagednotbroken. You didn't deserve to be treated this way. You gave your W the benefit of the doubt and respected her freedom to go to her home country without you and she decided to disrespect you and the marriage. Now she is unremorseful. If you want R that will have to change. If you don't, that's okay too, this wound is deep and it is extremely hard to sleep peacefully next to a woman that has treated you this way. I get it.

Again, I am sorry and I don't want to lend the impression I mean to disrespect you when your only crime is being a good H and a straight shooter.

Mine is a minority view.

My W said it took 5 months after d-day for her to begin to see her A for what it was (just another garden variety A), so not viewing sex with her ex as adultery is not a definite red flag for me. Confessing is positive for R. Wanting to R is positive for R.

But ... my W immediately started IC work to change from cheater to good partner, and your W isn't doing that.

My reco is to ask your W to do IC to change from betrayer to good partner. It's not just that she might cheat with another person that worries me. Rather, unless she deals with how her betrayal has hurt herself, she's too likely to cause M problems in the future.

Rejecting that sort of request is a giant red flag for me, but she is free to say 'no.' If she rejects your request, though, she's not a good candidate for R, IMO.

*****

Your doubts about your ability to trust, believe, and overcome fear are normal. Being overwhelmed by anger, grief, fear, and shame 6 months out from d-day (a longer, too) is normal. No matter whether you D or R, your best bet is to deal with your feelings. The metaphor I use is 'process your feelings out of your body', but you'll have to adopt a metaphor that works for you. Dealing with feelings can be accelerated with the help of a good counselor.

Just be wary of any counselor who jumps to forgiveness from the start - forgiveness has to be earned. Perhaps God can know your W's real thoughts and feelings about her A and you, but you don't have that insight. You need to figure things out by watching her behavior, and you need to watch for a long time to have much confidence in your conclusions.

In any case, IMO a good IC can help you process your feelings, and I think doing that clears your head to make good decisions for you and your kids.

A good IC can also help you figure out if the A was a deal breaker for you. It may be, and if it is, forcing yourself into R is too likely to be a recipe for very big problems in the future.

*****

Some thoughts on R:

I recommend thinking of R as 3 healings:

1) You heal you. Most BSes are inundated with immense amounts of one or more of grief, anger, fear, shame on d-day. The largest part of your work is to process those feelings out of your body. A good IC can help you do this.

2) Your WS heals themmself. They need to change from cheater to good partner. I think that requires IC for the WS, but others disagree.

3) Together you build a new M.

This means you can recover from being betrayed without your WS; that is, you can survive this crisis and thrive without your WS, but you need your WS to R. You can heal yourself because you control yourself. You don't control your WS. I recommend making 'survive and thrive' your primary goal and R your stretch goal.

Have you read the Healing Library here? If not, there's a lot of good stuff there. Click the link in the yellow box in the upper left of the SI pages.

I think there are a number of keys ingredients to R.

First, what do you want? Do you really want R? If not, don't lie to yourself - both R & D are morally good responses to being betrayed. R is hard work, and wanting it makes it less difficult, but it's difficult even when you want it.

I recommend figuring out your requirements for R and seeing if your WS will sign on. If they won't, perhaps they can come up with something else that will meet your requirements, but if you can't negotiate something truly acceptable to both of you, great - you can go directly to D. Otherwise, you can monitor them for 3-6 months and commit to R for yourself if they are (is?) consistent in meeting your requirements.

The requirements need to be observable and measurable. That way it's easy to monitor progress and make adjustments as you go along.

Common requirements include:

NC - no contact with ap; if ap initiates contact, report to BS and together decide how to respond

Transparency - BS has passwords to e-mail, voice-mail, phones, etc.; WS keeps BS informed of whereabouts, activities, and companions at virtually all times

Honesty - WS answers BS's questions when they're asked, although sometimes a break is necessary, sometimes an answer is best deferred to MC session, etc., no more lies.

IC for WS - to change the thoughts and feelings that supported the A, with signed release that enables C to talk with BS about WS's goals and progress (so the BS can make sure WS's IC isn't being lied to).

IC for BS - for support - and for resolving any internal issue that comes up

MC - to help communications between the partners. Be careful to avoid MCs who don't deal with the A first. An MC who starts off trying to identify systemic problems probably won't help. You need someone who will help resolve the trauma before going into systemic problems.

Some (Most?) people have individual requirements - my W had to arrange dates for us on a weekly basis and must initiate sex sometimes. What do you want from your W?

And R is a joint endeavor - if one of you hides objections to the other's requirements, you sabotage R. And you have to see your WS as a human being of worth equal to your own to make R work. You don't have to see your WS as a human being whose worth is equal to your own, but you sure can't R, except with an equal.

Everyone, I am so encouraged by your responses and support. Everyone's feedback is very appreciated, but I wanted to speak to a few specific points that were made throughout these responses and also clarify a few as well. So, my wife has been in individual counseling for years to deal with various issues. Some of these is the fact that she has a problem with controlling her anger, issues with self-control, issues that stem from her childhood, and issues that stem from her becoming a stepmother to my child and the relationship that I had with him. There is a lot to unpack there and I don't want to write a novel, so I will try to summarize for context. She felt very unloved and unwanted during her childhood and her parents did not provide her with a good parenting model. My first wife started an online affair with another female when our son was 4 years old. After I discovered what was going on, she abandoned us both to move to another country to live the LGBTQ life. When my current wife stepped into that role as mother, she was ill-equipped from what I just said about her own childhood, and there have been struggles aplenty regarding that situation. Also, our first biological child was born with a congenital heart defect, has autism, and has struggled his whole life with some learning and physical challenges. Our second child, born 3 years later, was discovered to many food allergies at around 1 year old, many of which are life threatening. She also has a master degree but struggled initially finding a job but was still intent on getting her PhD, but she pretty much gave all of those dreams up in order to homeschool our two children. One of which would struggle in public school and the other that would face dangers in public school from his allergies. Our marriage has had its challenges.

When she had her breakdown and confessed what she did in Vietnam, she did appear to be very remorseful. During some of the conversations that followed over the course of weeks, she made some statements that appeared to reflect genuine hurt and pain that she has also experienced from this. One example I recall specifically when I mentioned that she was blame shifting or justifying her actions, was that she thought maybe it was her way of protecting herself from the hurt. She still couldn't think about it that way because she was having a hard time accepting what she had done. After that, I brought up what she said about not feeling that she had betrayed me and that I didn't feel that she was accepting the damage that she had done. She sat in silence for a few minutes, after which she broke down crying inconsolably for about 10 minutes straight. There was another instance where I mentioned how much she had hurt me and what it was doing to me, when she replied with something to the effect of, "trust me when I tell you that I am paying a much higher cost than you are. You can't imagine what how much I am paying for what I did." There have been other instances throughout the past 6 months that led me to believe, at least to some degree, that she may be compartmentalizing and avoiding this rather than being completely dismissive about what she did.

I actually already had been seeing my own counselor, but only for a couple of months, to deal with the anxiety that I experienced as a result of the Vietnam trip and what had happened while she was there. This was before I knew about the actual sexual act, but the anxiety I had as a result of her spending time around him and my suspicions that led to my confronting her, and her blocking me for the remainder of her trip. My entire life, I have struggled with low-level generalized anxiety disorder. I learned several coping mechanisms to deal with it a very long time ago, which has resulted in only a very few panic attacks over the last 15 years. However, the situation in Vietnam was such that I felt I needed some help dealing with it. My counselor works in the same building as her counselor (same group) and was recommended by hers. Anyway, after she disclosed what she had done with her ex-boyfriend, we decided to see her counselor for some sessions of marriage counseling to help us both navigate through the situation. It was somewhat helpful, but at the same time...I felt that her counselor was more or less not making an effort to hold her accountable, so after three or four sessions, I decided to pursue a different route for MC. We are both still seeing our individual counselors. We started down the path of marriage counseling through the Care Ministry at our church and have had our first session already. Even though this counseling is through our church, the counselor we have is a licensed therapist and has been counseling a long time. He is actually the director of the counseling center and chose to work with us directly given our circumstances.

Now, here are some things that we have been doing to work through this. I would like to also admit that we both went through a severe hysterical bonding stage for the first 3 months and then to a lesser degree for 1 additional month. We were both seriously bonding during that time. It was crazy, and I do mean crazy. Never felt anything quite like it before. Anyway, I only mention that so that you can put the thins I am about to mention into context. She was already serving at the church in the children's ministry, as a volunteer in the room caring for babies. She had wanted me to volunteer in some capacity as well, so I started serving alongside her in the same room. We have been serving together since that point. We spend every night working through a marriage devotional as well as a specific bible study which is geared toward building a stronger marriage. There is a daily devotional that we do together ever night, which is a shorter devotional, and then a weekly devotional that we do together every Sunday. Since that one is a weekly devotional, it is longer and have discussions questions that we work through together. The first book/study that we worked through was You and Me Forever, by Francis Chan. We worked through the book, study guide, and videos. We are now working through Forgiving What You Can't Forget, by Lysa Terkeurst. That one has a forgiveness journal as well as videos and study guide. I should mention also that my wife has always loved it when I would read books aloud to her. Over the years she would ask me to read to her before bed. So, all of the things I mentioned above, I read aloud while she would do yoga, or knit, or lay beside me in bed. We have only very rarely missed one of these devotionals, and have prioritized this time for ourselves to work on us. We also have started to prioritize date nights and spending more quality time together. My wife just recently signed us up for a marriage retreat through our church for next month. She stopped attending her women's small group so that we could attend a couple's small group together. My wife is not secretive with her devices as has never made any attempt to lock me out of anything at all. She has always shared with me every password and continues to do so. The only downfall is that she talks to her friends and family in Vietnamese, which is a language that I can't speak, but the old Google can overcome that minor obstacle. Also, I am very much 100% confident that she did not talk with the ex-boyfriend since the day she unfriended him 10 years ago on FB, even leading up to this trip. She told me that she did not talk with him and made no plans to meet him. I have always had full access to her FB and feel pretty good about this being the truth. He definitely remained unfriended. In fact, it was this FB access which led me to my suspicions that she had done something in Vietnam. Anyway, she also told me that she completely cut off all conversation with him right after the sex happened. I asked her to block his account from FB so that he could never make any attempt to talk with her again, which she did without complaint. She tells me that, to him, that door of her life was completely closed after this happened and she doesn't have any feelings at all for him, one way or another, any longer. She says that, to her, he's just another guy on the street at this point.

There was only one additional instance she talked with him, that I am aware of, since the affair happened. In that instance, he was desperately trying to get in touch with her but couldn't, so had a mutual friend get on a group Facebook call with her so he could complain about me. As it turns out, I had taken some steps to make his wife aware of what had happened using a fake, anonymous FB account that I created. The message I sent was ambiguous because, despite what my wife did, I didn't want her reputation being destroyed with her friends and family in Vietnam. I also sent a couple of emails, again, from an anonymous address, to this ex-boyfriend's professional email account for his business, telling him that what he did in Vietnam was disgraceful and that he should come clean and confess to his poor wife about what he had done. Apparently, other staff members are the ones that checked that email account and read the messages. I wasn't specific about WHAT he had done, but I think a sane person would be able to reasonably reach the correct inference. of course, his wife asked him about the FB messages once she read them. Anyway, rather than be a man and confront me directly, he pulled a couple of my wife's friends, and even her sister, into this mess by telling them that I was spreading lies about him. Then he desperately got on the call with my wife basically to beg her to control me and get me to stop from sending anything else. My wife talked to him and her friend on that call, then blocked him again, and then was absolutely furious with me. She wanted to protect her reputation, and now there was all of this drama going on amongst her friends and family that he drug into this. That was a difficult moment for us, but we worked through it. She made a comment at how much of a coward he was for doing what he did rather than confronting me directly but she was also made that now, "the whole world is going to find out about the sin she committed."

[This message edited by damagednotbroken at 9:47 PM, Wednesday, February 7th]

So your wife is doing many things that are connecting to you strongly, which is very positive. But underlying that is a strong sense that it's all good as long as she doesn't have to examine herself deeply and face the consequences of her actions. That is rugsweeping on her part and I think when the WS rugsweeps they are more likely to be at risk again because they are not working to truly become safe for the marriage. I say that because it is part of what you asked about in your first message.

Your description includes many example where she is self centered. "Trust me, I am paying a higher price than you"-- does it get more 'me centered' than that? Add in "I don't really feel like I betrayed you", "I don't consider this adultery" and being very angry with you because you informed the OBS and she got some blowback. She earned that blowback! And you weren't outing her directly nor intentionally yet she blames you and not her AP? He is the one who alerted her family, not you.

Because she is a Christian, she might reflect on what it means to acquire humility in this situation. It is a deep challenge to overcome our pride.

She confessed, which is a very good thing. But she is minimizing her betrayal of you and protecting her self image and reputation rather than be accountable for what she did. She deliberately had this A despite you warning her, despite you setting boundaries in advance and promising to follow them. Then she blocked you for 6 days while halfway across the world because you kept asking about what happened. All very deliberate on her part.

I don't know, she may have set new boundaries for herself and gotten over her first love for the AP. She may have done enough to never do it again. But based on the things she has said, it doesn't appear that she understands exactly what she did and why she did it. And most of the WS on SI tell us that is very important to changing from a WS to a safe partner.

Trdd, thank you for the reply. Many of the things that you said have already been going through my mind, especially her apparent lack of remorse and accountability. I also think there is a bit of rugsweeping that has happened. My wife has always, since I have known her, struggled with humility and pride. Something you said in your response actually reminded me of something she said during one of our conversations. I don't remember the exact context for why she said this, but it was certainly during one of those Q&A sessions where I was trying to get her to find the "why" for what she did. What she said was something like this, "You know, I have always been so full of pride. So proud that I was a good wife and a good mother. So proud to be perfect and seeing how others failed where I didn't. I was so prideful, I thought I could be around him and handle it. This has brought me low and allowed me to see things the way they really are."

I am not entirely certain whether that statement is a good one or not. I can definitely say that this is one of the only times in our history together where she has actually admitted that she was prideful and lacking in humility. Since the moment where she said that, she hasn't done anything quite like it since, however I will say that she has made other comments over the course of the last several months which show that she is beginning to recognize her resistance to taking responsibility for things, the need to always be right, etc. I have seen some gradual progress toward humility, albeit slowly. I am also hopeful that our new marriage counselor will help us to delve deeper into these topics.

Hi damagednotbroken. So sorry for your pain. I can relate to what your wife says that "it meant nothing....". This was my reality with my BH. I treated him that way initially and in my twisted/foggy mind, I thought my affair was over...just leave me alone. It took time for me to step into reality and work to save our marriage. The fact that she feels "nothing for him" and "shame, guilt and remorse" is a lot more than I was willing to give my BH initially.

I lied, shifted blame and was pathetic. I was done with my AP and wanted my BH to back off. I put my BH through hell. He went through IC, saw a doctor for depression, threatened my AP multiple times until he had disconnected cell, home and office numbers. I sat back like a coward and he suffered.

He decided to stay with me and reconcile. We have grown together and I am always cognizant of what I did to him and us. Although it may not feel this way, you know your wife better than anyone does. It sounds to me that she does feel shame. But the next steps are counseling and working to build trust. It takes time....from my experience, it takes a lot of time and a lot of effort from both partners to move forward.