Me - WW 40's Husband BH 40's DD - Trickled over past few years 3 grown / adult kids

What if?

I ask myself the question regarding forgiveness and worthiness of forgiveness every single day. If the roles were reversed and my BH did to me what I did to him. Would I be open to the possibility of forgiveness and reconciliation?

What if my BH told another woman he loved her and believed that he was in love after 3 kids and all of the life experience we shared. Could I love him again? Could I forgive him? Could we continue to go on as a married couple?

My BH doted on me and treated me like a queen. He was a great provider, lover and father. He knew me so well and he trusted me unconditionally.

I know my "whys" and my history of being abused by men prior to meeting my BH. He knew them, too. He accepted me entirely. He was absolutely shocked when he learned what I had done and frankly he and our marriage will likely never be the same. I would like it to go back to a time, but I have always been who I am and frankly I was not worthy of his trust.

I was posed this discussion in a recent therapist call, and my answer is "no". I would not accept of forgive the level of abuse and poor choices I made, if the shoe were on the other foot.

My therapist asked for elaboration and frankly the ability to forgive and live with the pain is why my BH is the best. I could never be the person he is...and I have never been the person he's been in our relationship

2 comments posted: Wednesday, May 1st, 2024

Fantasy v Reality

Before, during and after my affairs, I always had a perspective of love and fate. I have always believed (and still do) that my BH and I would have met each other and fallen in love under any circumstances. We met at school when we were young, but I have always believed if we each went to different schools, we were destined to be together. Call it karma, fate, divine intervention....whatever. I have always had a storybook perspective on love.

We are working in our reconciliation and things are going OK for me. My BH has occasional setbacks and triggers, but for the most part, we are harmonious....I think. My BH wishes that my affairs never happened and that I could undo what I put us through. I wish that as well, but the reality is different. I viewed my affairs as a fantasy and really still do. I never planned to leave, but my ego was stroked by a liar and I became a liar as well.

I believe that I am focused more on the future in our relationship and all we have in front of us. My affairs have created a definite doubt and lack of trust in my BH which will always be part of our future, IMO. Crushing trust with a partner who places trust above everything else is irreversible. It has been hard to accept at times, but I need to make my relationship work and accept that this doubt was created by my recklessness.

Getting back to my storybook/karma type perspective. My BH conversely does not believe in fate, karma, destiny, etc. We recently discussed this and his perspective is that he would/could have been as happy with another woman and that if he chose to move on rather than reconciliation, he could/would have made it work with someone else....but he chose to stay.

It was an eye opening perspective in fantasy v. reality for me. I have always been more spiritual and he has always been more practical. I also thought ....."how ironic!" I am the one who was a cake-eating cheater, never intending to leave and he is content in our marriage, but feels he could also be content elsewhere...if he needed to be. His perspective is YOU make it work, it doesn't just work.

It may be immature, but it really hit me hard! My affairs are unimportant to me....a fantasy....a different me. To him they were very real and he deals with the consequences every single day. My BH believes what we accomplish/do/don't do is the fabric of who we are. My father had multiple affairs and in many ways, that defined who he was with my mother. I need to work harder to make sure that blemish on my life is overshadowed by so many great things!

6 comments posted: Thursday, February 8th, 2024