SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am in my 2nd year of R. I’ve been thinking about all the damage done as a result of WH’s affair and the worst one is my feeling devalued. I feel like I don’t have value as a human being. I know the affair had nothing to do with me. However, I realized that the affair took away my sense of value. I live in a constantly depressed state with belief that I am worthless and unworthy, most certainly of WH’s love and attention. And this takes me to a place where I am anxious that WH will leave me because he finds me not impressive, not worthy, not enough. I find myself being very careful in what and how I say. I am always trying to impress this man who destroyed my life. This sucks so bad.

You know what saved me from this kind of thinking? The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz, particularly the agreement about not taking anything personally. Your WH didn't cheat because of something lacking in you. He cheated because of something lacking in him. If anything, he's not worthy of you.

1. Be Impeccable With Your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don't Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret."

I strongly recommend this book to all BSs. I found it so valuable and so helpful, and use it even to this day. Run any problem through the 4Agr filter and you can figure it out.

I know the affair had nothing to do with me. However, I realized that the affair took away my sense of value.

This seems like an almost perfect statement of the disconnect between the head and the heart. We can KNOW that the affair wasn’t about us, but it is a different thing entirely to really FEEL it and believe it that fully. I find myself telling myself this in many different ways, each of them helping me to reinforce this bedrock of truth. Keep telling yourself the truth. Keep coming back here to hear it told over and over again. Go watch the end of Good Will Hunting, the "it wasn’t your fault" scene (and absolute must if you’ve never seen it). It wasn’t your fault, truly and deeply.

I'm sorry you're hurting.

I get it. I felt it too. Because you can hear "it wasn't about you" a million times but it will never FEEL true, until you start really believing it.

It's true though. It wasn't about you. I can name a hundreds of wonderful, amazing people (myself included ) that got cheated on. Beyonce got cheated on. Do you really think it's because she wasn't enough? Does Beyonce become any less beautiful/impressive because her husband chose to cheat? Of course not. Your value is not determined by the actions of another person.

What have you done to build yourself back up? Do you have activities that make you feel good? I love yoga, it makes me feel strong and centered and it has the added bonus of improving strength and stamina. Maybe you like cooking or gardening or something. Have you heard about affirmations? Make a list of stuff that you love about yourself. Stuff that you're proud of, stuff that makes you feel good about yourself and remind yourself of all those wonderful things whenever you are feeling poorly. Like literally look at the mirror and tell yourself how awesome you are. Out loud. If you struggle at all making this list you DEFINITELY need to be doing it, and my best tip is to ask your mom or your best friend. Moms/best friends have the best compliments.

I don’t have value as a human being. I know the affair had nothing to do with me. However, I realized that the affair took away my sense of value. I live in a constantly depressed state with belief that I am worthless and unworthy, most certainly of WH’s love and attention.

Gently, you need to stop this line of thinking ASAP. You are worthy and you always have been and the fact that someone was blind to it is their loss.

I get it and I struggled greatly in this area. My WH is a narcissist and devaluing is a textbook phase they put their partners through. It's brutal and shakes your self worth and confidence to its core.

At first I felt, as insane as it sounds, that infidelity was some big party going on that I wasn't invited to. Was it me? My personality? Am I unlovable and unwanted? I had become the invisible, insignificant, unwanted wife. The AP just had it all apparently. Or so I thought.

Then I started focusing more on me. What brings me joy, makes me happy? What am I good at? Who am I? You know what, I began to realize I am good enough and always was. That there are aspects to me as a person that my asshat WH wishes he could live up to. That there's no big party I wasn't invited to but rather a seedy, smarmy, devious thing I want no part of and am too good for such idiocy.

I find myself being very careful in what and how I say. I am always trying to impress this man who destroyed my life.

You don't need to impress him or anybody else. Repeat that to yourself over and over because the only person you need to impress is yourself. Love yourself. Value yourself. He does not make up your persona, you do. Knock him off that pedestal and put yourself on it because that's where you belong and turn the tide to let HIM twist himself into a pretzel to impress you and shockingly you may well get to the point that you won't care no matter what he does.

Sacredsoul
Thanks for the book reco. I purchased the ebook. There’s a book on forgiveness by Fred Luskin that also talks about not taking things personally. I realize it has nothing to do with me but WH’s behavior had a profound effect on me. Therefore I take it personally. Does this make any sense? Maybe this is me staying with the victim mentality. I would love to discuss the 4 agreements with you further if that’s possible.

Emergent & Malibubreeze
I struggle to find what I am good at, what I enjoy, who I am. As a child I was criticized by my parents for everything from my height, weight, texture of my hair, the sound of my voice, etc. and since I wasn’t all that smart, talented, or athletic, the only thing I could do well was be a "nice" girl. This manifested as me being a doormat, wanting to please everyone, wanting to be accepted.
What malibubreeze said is spot on about me putting my WH on a pedestal. Yes, I’ve done that and am still doing that even after he proved to be an untrustworthy, lying, immoral human being. Many SI members have said that BS is the prize. I don’t believe that for myself because I don’t have much to show for my life. I don’t have any accomplishments, talents, etc. What i am good at is self sabotaging.

I realize it has nothing to do with me but WH’s behavior had a profound effect on me. Therefore I take it personally. Does this make any sense?

Makes perfect sense. It hurt you terribly, but my point is that it didn't happen because you're not worthy of fidelity. Like emergent said, even Beyonce was cheated on and certainly Queen Bey was worthy!

I would love to discuss the 4 agreements with you further if that’s possible.

I'm totally down for that! It's time for a refresher-read for me, anyway.

I was deeply hurt in that way too, feeling devalued. My therapist helped me see the skewed logic I was using. My favorite analogy she used was asking if treating a Rolex like a cheap watch made it a cheap watch, or was it still a Rolex? Much of my problem was rooted in feelings I have harbored since I was a child, and I guess I looked too much to my spouse and marriage and life to assure me I had value. It is hard to learn to value yourself at a core level, but for me it was part of the cure.

I kept telling myself IF, THEN. IF I was loving or attractive or sexy or interesting enough THEN he wouldn’t have cheated. IF I mattered more to him THEN he would have made different choices. It has been a journey seeing through the flaws in those thoughts. I always had value, and I do matter and you do too. He treated you poorly, but in doing so he only devalued himself and his integrity. I believe you will know this in your heart someday. If you haven’t read Living and Loving after Betrayal, there is a lot to learn about self love, maintaining your core values and reframing those negative thoughts into a more balanced truth. I really struggled to get over the hurt of it all, it ached in my core and sad was my daily companion for too long. I crawled out of that hole a dozen times and kept falling back in right away. I think EMDR has had the biggest impact on rebooting my brain and helping me sort my twisted thoughts so that I am able to love myself better, understand and be more compassionate to myself, and finally, the volume on those negative thoughts is fading into the background. It was a slow shift, but I was ready and way overdue.

I did a lot of what you mention, trying to be more engaging, caring, interested, fashionable, skinny, funny….. I wanted to be chosen, picked, so badly because I felt so deeply rejected. I am happy to be leaving all that trying behind. I don’t have a try problem, I try too hard, and I bet you do too. Try to try for you, not for him. Look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are awesome and worthy and everything you need to hear. Stay strong, don’t let the negative self talk gain traction. Know your worth and the grace you offer in letting him have access to all that you have to offer.

Good luck to you moving forward and healing.

[This message edited by whatisloveanyway at 10:37 PM, Wednesday, December 13th]

My favorite analogy she used was asking if treating a Rolex like a cheap watch made it a cheap watch, or was it still a Rolex?

Oooooh, that's gooooood.

I struggle to find what I am good at, what I enjoy, who I am. As a child I was criticized by my parents for everything from my height, weight, texture of my hair, the sound of my voice, etc. and since I wasn’t all that smart, talented, or athletic, the only thing I could do well was be a "nice" girl. This manifested as me being a doormat, wanting to please everyone, wanting to be accepted.

I can relate to this. My parents, both gone, were good people. Nice people. They were the kind to never make waves or go outside the lines, especially my mom due to her upbringing. She was the one who would make comments such as me having "child bearing hips" or "you need to have bangs to cover up your forehead" and when I was a child and went through a phase of being a little overweight was told she would have to buy my clothes in "the chubby girls section" if I didn't lose it. None of this was conducive to helping my self esteem even though I believe she never meant to hurt my feelings. I was also taught to be nice which is a great quality to have but it also lent towards me not standing up for myself when called for. Believe it or not I had a guy break up with me for being too nice. Who knew someone would dump you for that reason. I would tell my mom after discovery of the affair that she should have raised me to be a bitch, that I probably would've had the world in my hands.

There is something you are good at. We all are good at something, you need to figure that out for yourself. It's there, you just need to look deeper.

What malibubreeze said is spot on about me putting my WH on a pedestal. Yes, I’ve done that and am still doing that even after he proved to be an untrustworthy, lying, immoral human being. Many SI members have said that BS is the prize. I don’t believe that for myself because I don’t have much to show for my life. I don’t have any accomplishments, talents, etc. What i am good at is self sabotaging.

I put him on a pedestal he didn't deserve to be on but that was the result of years of him putting himself there. Almost made it seem like I should be grateful that he chose me to marry. As a stay at home mom running a household and raising 2 kids (one with ADD, ODD and was a handful in his early years) along with helping my mom wasn't doing anything in his eyes. He would tell people I don't do anything which would have me livid when it came back to me through the grapevine and when telling those individuals all I was responsible for they seemed shocked. He made it seem as if he was the only one bringing anything to the table in our marriage and still tries to push that bullshit narrative. Now instead of questioning myself I laugh at him and the preposterous things he still believes and he can stay in his delusional bubble.

I too struggle with not having "accomplishments" especially because of not having a career. Sometimes you need to look elsewhere to see them, and think outside the box of what is considered to be an accomplishment. I see them in my kids which have been my priority and focus for a long time. Seeing the people they are and have become. Knowing that my asshat WH wasn't nearly as involved with them as I was and continue to be which he should think about when he wonders why I have a different relationship with them than he does.

As you go along and the fog of all this clears you will see your worth. You will get to know yourself once you take the attention away from him. It may be the smallest things but you will take notice and think "hey, I am good at this. I do have talents. Being a nice person doesn't make me worthless". Keep propping yourself up and take that self sabotage, anxiety, doubt and hurt and push it aside. You are what matters and you need to know this and believe it.

The AP was nothing special. Never was. They were just low hanging fruit nothing more. Compare yourself to them, and ask yourself if that is the type of person you'd want to be or are. I bet the answer is no. I don't think there's a BS here whose self worth didn't take a hit at Dday, but step back and look at the bigger picture. You'll start to see yourself in a different light.

My XWH is a covert narc, and I went through the devaluation and discard, so I understand. For me, I tried several YouTube affirmation videos and picked the one that made me ugly cry. I figured it struck home and would help me grow. It was about 10-11 minutes long, and I did it every day for at least 2 months. Boy, it really helped.

They were I AM affirmations, and the narrator would say the affirmation and then you repeat it out loud. There would be a few affirmations that began with each letter of the alphabet.

Maybe finding one that's already done would help you get started.

Thank you all so much.
You are encouraging and so kind to share your experiences with me and give me wise advice.
It’s incredible how a spousal betrayal brings to surface all of our childhood wounds that were repressed in us for so long.

I will try EMDR as well as daily affirmations.
There is so much healing I need to do,
Thank you all again.

Btw MalibuBay: there is a book titled "why men love bitches". My WH’s AP is THE bitch and I am the nice girl described in the book. Basically the book says nice girls lose. Sigh.

I like that the word bitch has a few meanings.

I think APs that know their partners are in committed relationships are bitches in the negative sense: destructive, selfish, uncaring, bent on creating chaos & damage as a way to feel in control or distracted from their own misery.

Yet, BWs that fight that crazy hard fight to get out of infidelity (whether through separation, reconciliation, or divorce) are BAD BITCHES, in the reclaimed sense of the word: strong, reflective, perseverant, resilient.

This interpretation is the meaning behind my handle on this site. When I joined, even in the throes of deep pain, I wanted a handle that would celebrate-and remind me of my strength.

BW, BH, or BS, we are all so strong. Soooo strong. We need to remind ourselves that this strength reflects our value.

Cedarwoods,

I'll have to look that up. Honestly I don't think my WH loved the AP, I think she was just on the same low level as him. A match made in the infidelity cesspool.

Some book may say we "lose" but do we really? At the end of the day you have to be ok with yourself. Knowing you haven't gone around hurting someone for your own selfishness. Chin up, head held high, shoulders back. Get that self confidence booming!

BreakingBad,

I love the meaning behind your handle. I wasn't so creative at the time just really upset and wishing I had a nice cocktail to calm me down.

BW, BH, or BS, we are all so strong. Soooo strong. We need to remind ourselves that this strength reflects our value.

Indeed we are and so very true. I have faith Cedarwoods will see the light eventually, and we all know time is a key component to our healing.

[This message edited by MalibuBayBreeze at 1:07 AM, Friday, December 15th]

I think the word you are looking for is resilience is to be able to withstand the "slings and arrows of outrageous fortune". How you weather the storm set loose on your life. Please understand those 4 ideas of how to live your life. The first is the most meaningful. You cannot make him more important than you. Speak your mind. You don’t have to be unkind but you do have to know what you will, and will not, accept in another’s behavior. When you don’t take care of yourself it is as if you are using a knife to cut chunks of yourself and throwing them away. You are worth so much more than that. So much more.