SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife had an affair 10 years ago. After all of this time I am still angry and resentful. I am so tired of living my life in this negative state.

I am going to start counseling which is something that I've never done. All of this time I have tried to deal with this on my own and failed. I have read many article about dealing with the anger and resentment, prayed, gone to church, but none of it has worked.

Has anyone here found a way to let go of their anger and resentment, especially after such a long period of time? Can anyone recommend a good book on the subject?

I am open to anything that may help.

Thank you

My anger is something I had to process, as for resentment, I learned how to ditch that even before discovering the A.

The bumper sticker is: resentment is drinking poison in hopes the other person dies.

Of course it’s an oversimplification, but it is also 100 percent true.

The first time in the history of the world that blame and resentment solve a problem, I will use those tools again.

And again, this is coming from someone who was a grand master champion of blame and resentment, I was so good at it.

That way of thinking gives all of your power away.

Counseling can help, but it takes a really good one. A good counselor is one who makes sure a WS takes full responsibility for her choices. If that hasn’t happened, then your long term anger isn’t unreasonable.

What has your wife done to help heal your marriage?

Yeah, it's really hard to stop using a skill when you've spent so much energy developing it. BTDT - developed the anger skill and gave it up.

First, if you haven't already done this, tell your IC exactly what you've written. Ask if the IC is willing and able to help you give up your anger. Go elsewhere is this IC isn't both able and willing.

Second, I learned a number of techniques that help dissipate anger. Some work great if I remember to use them.

I can't recommend a book. What I learned through therapy was to let my feelings flow through and out of my body. I also learned that ruminating for too long meant I was in a 'drama triangle' (search the web on that term) and the way out was to ask myself what I was feeling (anger, grief, fear, shame), stop ruminating, and let the specific feeling flow.

Let us know what your IC says to help you.

My bet is that you're in a drama triangle WRT your W's A. Underneath the anger you ruminate about is ... anger, sometimes, and fear grief, and shame at other times. The way to stop ruminating is to express the anger (or other feeling). Doing so is a skill that you can develop.

One thing to watch for is that you've probably got LOTS of feelings stored up. Lots of feelings means it'll take more time than you want to spend in letting the feelings go. Keep at it, though. Eventually you'll see a light coming at you - it'll really be the end of the tunnel, not a train coming at you.

Again, make no mistake: you can develop the skills you need. You really can.

IMO, dealing with your feelings first is the best way to go. Once you start clearing them out, you'll get more and more clarity about where you want your M to go.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:24 PM, Friday, December 1st]

Has anyone here found a way to let go of their anger and resentment, especially after such a long period of time?

For me it was easy:

Hit the gym and take your anger out there. Improve yourself physically and mentally by reading, learning and self-discovery. Dump her cheating ass and live your best life. Anger gone.

Addressing the questions/comment...

What has my done to heal the marriage? She, of course, apologized. She gave many any info that I asked for. She ended all contact. She swore never to do it again. We renewed our marriage vows. She has periodically put lots of effort into showing me that she loves and cares about me. However, I have a wall still up do to my anger and resentment. Our sex life is pretty much non-existent, because touching, or being intimate with her in any way makes me want to cringe, because of what she did. Harsh, but true.

I will look into the drama triangle.

Leaving my wife will be a last resort. I am committed to trying this one last time and I will do everything that I can to save our marriage.

I have struggled with anger as well. For me, it's stems from a deep need for the world to be just and fair, even though my rational brain understands it is not. I took one of those personality tests, and it turns out that I am an advocate. Go figure.

My first question would be, how do you feel about being angry? I mean, do you feel like you have failed somehow? Do you feel shame? I believe that anger, like every other emotion, has its value.

Years ago, a bhuddist monk told me something that has stuck with me. He said, "You are not your feelings. They are merely something you experience." Feelings are uninvited guests that we should host until they have taught us what we need to know about ourselves. Rather than fight or deny them, wecshould learn from them. Once we have learned, they will leave us.

The say anger is a secondary emotion, being triggered by something deeper. I think if you embrace your anger, but not act on it, you can delve into its source, find out what is driving it. Maybe then you can deal with the root.

Leaving my wife will be a last resort. I am committed to trying this one last time and I will do everything that I can to save our marriage.

I’m curious, what brings you to us now, after 10 years? And what do you mean by "one last time"? Are you planning on starting something new in terms of individual or marriage work?
There have been some pieces of advice that were extremely difficult for me to internalize but also I think really important in processing my trauma
1) let go of the outcome - have you ever truly been willing to walk away from the marriage, or is preserving the marriage at all costs a value in your heart, even if its unspoken?
2) feel your feels - this is pretty much what Sisoon said. The feelings associated with infidelity are off the scale. Not expressing them is the ultimate emotional pressure cooker.
3) figure out what you want - give yourself permission to dream of a life that sounds good to you, and see if your wife has a place in that life. Take back your agency and control by not resigning to a life of being forced to be with a betrayer. Either get free of her or see yourself as a strong, gracious, forgiving man that she is insanely fortunate to have as a husband.

Last thought: I’ve talked things out here for the last year and a half and it’s been SO good for me. There is a lot of wisdom here and threads are free.

I feel like my anger stems from 'disappointment'. I truly believed that there was zero chance that my wife would have ever cheated. I would have bet my life on it.

I feel like my anger stems from 'disappointment'. I truly believed that there was zero chance that my wife would have ever cheated. I would have bet my life on it.

I 100% relate to that, would have bet my life and the life of my children. Literally. But the question is, what are you going to do now? How can you move into acceptance if you want to truly R, or do you decide after 10 years that that is permanent and you don’t want to live with it anymore and move to D?

Another really important truth in being betrayed is, it wasn’t your fault. It was all her fault, 100%. Are you disappointed in her, or are you internalizing it (which is very common) and feeling disappointed in yourself?

TRC,

Did she even get tested for STDs, that's one reason for not touching her.

Is the OM still close by, for example do you drive past his house every day, or see the workplace if they were coworkers.

Triggers can be anywhere or everywhere even the OMs name or scenes in a movie.

Did your WW take a polygraph or weite out a timeline.

Did you confront the OM or expose the affair to OM Wife?

Was there a financial cost to the affair to you.

How long was the affair?

Do you have kids and do they go to school with OM kids.

Hmm. The things you've mentioned are nice..but what work did she do to become a safe partner? Did she immediately go NC? Has she been completely transparent..you had/have full access to all accounts and the phone? All passwords? Did she go to IC to figure out why she cheated? What reason did she give for cheating? Was she tested for stds? Was she proactive in healing the damage she caused herself, you, and the marriage? Has she continued to be honest,about all things? Did she blame you?

I found my anger started to recede, when I saw he was doing the work.

Did she even get tested for STDs, that's one reason for not touching her. She didn't get tested. It's been 10 years. We had sex fairly often the first couple of years, but it's tapered off to almost never. STD's isn't the issue at all.

Is the OM still close by, for example do you drive past his house every day, or see the workplace if they were coworkers. No idea.

Triggers can be anywhere or everywhere even the OMs name or scenes in a movie. I don't know his name. Never asked. Yes, I'm triggered by movies, songs, daily conversations. Happens all the time. I don't lash out, but it is there underneath.

Did your WW take a polygraph or weite out a timeline. No.

Did you confront the OM or expose the affair to OM Wife? I did some spy work and figured it out. She admitted to it, after being busted. I never confronted him, it wouldn't have ended well. I do know that he was single. I did see him once, but she told me afterwards, and thankfully so, someone would have went to jail and the other to the hospital or morgue.

Was there a financial cost to the affair to you. No

How long was the affair? She said she had sex with him 3-4 times over a few months.

Do you have kids and do they go to school with OM kids. Kids are grown. Once again, no idea who the OM is.

what work did she do to become a safe partner? She was a bartender. She quit that line of work. She stopped going out with her single friend.

Did she immediately go NC? Never been to counseling . Neither of us have.

Has she been completely transparent..you had/have full access to all accounts and the phone? All passwords? Yes.

Did she go to IC to figure out why she cheated? No.

What reason did she give for cheating? She said that I didn't show her affection and that I wasn't intimate with her. Both true to some degree.

Was she tested for stds? No, but it's been 10 years. No issues there.

Was she proactive in healing the damage she caused herself, you, and the marriage? She apologized, changer her job, and tried very hard off and on to make me happy. I haven't moved on. that's why I'm hear looking for help.

Has she continued to be honest,about all things? As far as I know, she has.

Did she blame you? Yes, for the reasons stated above.

CBT helped me let go of my anger but I stopped doing what I was taught when I enrolled in marriage counselling and it all flared up again. As soon as I realised and reverted to what I was taught my anger went.

Meditation, cutting out sugar and caffeine and exercise all really helped too.

Well..there's a lot of reasons there for you to still be angry and resentful.

She blames you. She didn't take responsibility. She can't possibly have become a safe person if She blamed you. Nothing you did or didn't do,made her cheat. You are responsible for your half of the marital issues. She is responsible..100%..for choosing to cheat. She had several options that didn't include cheating.

She never did any work on herself. She quit her job..big deal. She was nice and loving..that's what every spouse us supposed to be.

How can you possibly know she hasn't had any contact with him,if you don't even know his name.

It's never too late to start reconciling in a healthy way.

She needs to go to IC. She needs to take responsibility.

Why has your sex life dwindled?

[This message edited by HellFire at 9:58 PM, Friday, December 1st]

TRC,

Do you have anyone to talk to about this besides your WW and the people here?

Men often tell no one and have no emotional support.

Get yourself tested for STDs, this has nothing to do with recovery, but for your own health. Some STDs can stay with you for years without symptoms.

Why has your sex life dwindled? Our sex life has dwindled, because when she touches me it makes me cringe. I am so full of anger and resentment that have zero desire for her sexually. None.

Do you have anyone to talk to about this besides your WW and the people here? I am in the process of setting up counseling for myself, and her separately, then we have agreed to go as a couple.

Nexther

Please note that when posting in R Forum

Please post respectfully and constructively keeping in mind the goal for this forum is to reconcile.

As per the Forum description.

TRC,

You wrote...

Do you have anyone to talk to about this besides your WW and the people here? I am in the process of setting up counseling for myself, and her separately, then we have agreed to go as a couple.

I was more asking about family, friends, neighbors, drinking buddies etc, someone you don't have to pay to listen to you.

Generally in religious counseling they tell you to forgive like Jesus did and it just makes things worse somehow.

It doesn't help when people complement you and your WW on being a nice couple while you feel like your are colapsing on the inside. Even when they don't know what happened or how it weighs on you.

Has your WW eliminated the friends who knew about or encouraged your WWs affair.

[This message edited by survrus at 10:34 PM, Friday, December 1st]