SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife of 1.5 years (together for 9 years) left me 6 weeks ago. She stopped drinking 3 weeks before that. She's lost weight recently and looks amazing. When she left I was shocked. Didn't see it coming. Went back through recent messages between us and we were so nice to each other, you wouldn't have seen this coming if you read them.

She says we don't make each other happy and she doesn't know who she is any more. She makes me happy so I don't know why she thinks otherwise. We do argue and things are said that are hurtful in those moments but I believe those things can be worked through.

She said she wanted to sell the house ASAP so she could move on which does me no favours.

I begged her for 4 weeks to give us another chance, telling her I'd work harder on our relationship and support her with everything, improving myself as much as possible. She said maybe, every time, giving me hope, but that she needed time and space to decide. Then, she agreed to hang out with me because I told her I was so lonely. It's true, I don't have any accessible family or lots of friends. All of my friends and family were on her side and I lost them overnight. I promised we'd have fun and show each other what the good times were like again.

We had a great night, slept together, I thought we were potentially starting over, but then I found messages on her phone proving she'd been cheating on me with a colleague. I never once suspected she was capable of this. There were so many messages I couldn't read them all, and they made me feel physically sick, but it had been going on for at least a few weeks before she left. I confronted her about it in the morning. She got upset, said it was a mistake and said she wanted to try again with me. I decided to forgive her mistake. I still love her very much.

That night she was cold with me which felt like a 180 but it wasn't unusual since she has had mood swings for a while now. She told me she hadn't spoken to this guy and that he hadn't messaged her which seemed sus since she works with him and had been messaging him every spare moment in the weeks leading up to this.

But over the following week we planned a first date in an attempt to reconcile. She came round on Saturday, we went for a lovely meal, cuddled with our dogs and went to bed and slept together. I had noticed that evening (I probably wouldn't have if I hadn't found out about this guy) that she was being very protective of her phone. When she went to bed, instead of charging her phone on the side table like usual, she put it on the floor under her dressing gown. My suspicion and concerns got the better of me and I looked. She'd continued to message this guy in the same way all week. So I sent myself the WhatsApp chat and went downstairs to read the heartbreaking messages. She sexts, graphic messages, rude selfies, attempts to sleep with him often, she badmouths me to him, makes things up about her doing everything here, everything for the dogs, paying all of the bills, none of which is remotely true. She made fun of me for losing my job the week before she left. I'm concerned that she's been saying these things to her family and friends which would make it difficult for me to win them around again.

But I still love her. I still believe we can make each other happy and have a healthy future together. I confronted her the following morning about continuing to cheat, lie about it and the things she says about me. She was very upset, apologetic again, said he was a mistake and she doesn't know why she's been doing these things. She said she still wants to be with me but I need to decide if I can trust her now.

Fast forward to that evening and I messaged saying I forgive her and want to work on our marriage and my newly developed trust issues. She did another 180 and got angry at me for going through her phone and sending myself those messages. Said she'd had time to reflect and didn't know if she could move past it.

I've spent the last 6 weeks in limbo, utterly depressed, heartbroken, the only thing keeping me going was the hope she kept saying still existed. Now we're back in the same boat. She tells me she didn't leave me for this guy but because our marriage wasn't working. That she doesn't know who she is or why she's done these things but intends to find out and decide what she wants.

I asked her to give us another chance and she's back in the "maybe one day" category and I don't know how to live in limbo any more, but I also can't bring myself to quit her.

She tells me they haven't spoken since I confronted her the second time, but who knows, it doesn't really make sense that he wouldn't ask why she's gone quiet after they were messaging all day every day and they work together. What should I do? I want her back, I want our lives back, my life seems worthless and pointless without her.

Thanks for any feedback

I'm so sorry this is happening. There's a lot of good material here that I hope you've already discovered. Read up on the 180 and Grey Rock. Hopefully you know by now you're deep into the "pick me" dance. Stop. Now.

This definitely looks like an exit affair, despite her assurances that it isn't. He may not be "the one," but she allowed him to come between the two of you and is now looking for the door. Don't try to apply logic to it. You may never understand "why," so worry about yourself for now. You need to get out of infidelity immediately and start to collect your thoughts. You can't "nice" her back. So stop.

What she is doing to you is cruel, and you're allowing her to do it. She is a threat to you right now and you should protect yourself from further harm. Don't be a target. She's blame shifting and lying like a champ. Also, stop calling it a "mistake." She didn't make a mistake. She made choices and is now engaging in emotional torture.

Please accept that your marriage is over. You can build a new one eventually if you and she are both in, but don't count on that. You may think you want to reconcile, but it's far too early to really know that. Get away from her emotionally and take care of yourself. Eat, drink plenty of water (no alcohol), get to the gym, see a therapist. Also, please take steps to separate your finances. Assume it's over and get your money in order. See a lawyer or three and figure out what your options are.

Don't flounder. Make a plan and continue to move forward.

Last, keep coming here. The collective wisdom on this site is without peer. You will survive and eventually thrive.

Stay strong.

[This message edited by 1994 at 3:21 PM, Wednesday, November 29th]

Welcome to SI, I'm sorry you had to find us. You have a lot of things to consider and work through here. Please start by reading the Healing Library on the main page and and the pinned topics above in this forum.

First understand this isn't your fault or the symptom of a bad marriage. Your WW is a typical cheater, bold enough to cheat but not bold enough to let go of her "sure thing". Please stop offering reconciliation she is no where near a good candidate to stay married to you. Please read and implement the 180, it will sound counter productive but your goal here isn't to force her back to you, it's to get far away from infidelity.

Second you need to take her off the pedestal and see her for what she is, a liar and a cheater. She is shifting the blame to you and bad mouthing you to your friends. You need to dig down and find your anger, she is the enemy of your M and you need to treat her as one.

I will tell you my initial feelings after Dday were the same as yours, "I just need to fix this". Brother you can't, she is gone, she is "monkey branching", holding on to you while grabbing the next limb. Don't be her back up plan. The 180 saved me, I took the advice here and reclaimed my life. She was free to do whatever she wanted, but I would not be part of it.

Hi, John.
So sorry to find you here. You'll get a lot of good advice on this forum, take your time and process everything.
As for my advice, take your time. At the moment you're deep in the denial phase, you try to fix things which can't be fixed and are not yours to fix. Take a step back and do the 180. Your "wife" is a cheater, cheaters always lie. And no

But I still love her

you don't love her, you're in sort of a desperation mode, you have to acknowledge that the person you thought you knew is not the person she actually is. It's time for you to get honest with yourself. Get your life in order and find out what's important for you.

What should I do? I want her back, I want our lives back, my life seems worthless and pointless without her.

That's dangerous, because you still cling to a kind of ignorance and you know that there is no going back, it was all a lie.

Welcome to SI and really sorry for the reason you had to find us. If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a therapist who specializes in betrayal trauma with bonus points if they also specialize with infidelity.

The blowing hot & cold can really do a number to your brain and body. Doing the 180 (in the Healing Library) helps you emotionally detach so you can get your equilibrium back.

You may wish to get tested for STDs/STIs if you've slept with your WW (wayward wife) because you don't know what the AP (affair partner) may have. Also, if AP is married, please tell the OBS (other betrayed spouse). If somebody knew about your wife's A (affair), wouldn't you rather somebody told you?

Your WW badmouthing you? That's classic cheater behavior of rewriting marital history. She can't be the bad guy, so she's making you the bad guy. Yes, it hurts but it's also lies. You'll find out that cheaters lie, then lie some more.

Sorry that you're here. Also, the list of acronyms we use is located in the Healing Library.

Please stop doing the "Pick Me Dance". It rarely, if ever, works.

You can't "nice" her back. You doing that makes you look weak and like a Simp to her. She is playing you like a puppet and she is pulling the strings like a master puppeteer. Her "On Again", "Off Again" actions have you going in circles.

She is getting her jollies by giving you some hope, and then jerking it away. Just like teasing a cat with a string is entertaining, you are now her entertainment.

Stop it.

Someone mentioned the 180. You will find it in the Healing Library on this site. It is located in the BS FAQ (Betrayed Spouse Frequently Asked Questions). Here is the link.

https://survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/faq/bs/

It is not to be used as punishment or to win her back. The 180 is for you to develop yourself and gain some mental space.

she agreed to hang out with me because I told her I was so lonely. It's true, I don't have any accessible family or lots of friends. All of my friends and family were on her side and I lost them overnight.

The 180 tells you to start getting your own friends and go back to doing hobbies, etc. you enjoy doing.

Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

Someone also mentioned getting STD tested. This is a must and as soon as possible. Quit having sex with her until (1) you know she's clean, and (2) she has quit having sex with her lover. Contracting a lifetime disease is not worth having sex with her.

Tell yourself over and over, until you believe it, that you deserve better than her. Self Talk is most important, especially with what is going on in your life. The more positive thoughts you can feed yourself, the better you will feel.

Don't sell yourself short.

There is a book still in print by Dr. Robert Glover called "No More Mr. Nice Guy". You will benefit greatly by reading this book.

Good luck to you.

[This message edited by lrpprl at 5:10 PM, Wednesday, November 29th]

John,

Allow me to add my voice to the chorus. Stop with the pick me dance. It won’t get you your wife back. The few people that have "won" that demeaning contest have been awarded an unremorseful cheater as the prize.

Unfortunately there actually is nothing you can do to get her back. Because that woman no longer exists. In her place is a lying, cheating, wayward simulacrum. She looks, sounds and smells like your wife and expects you to treat her with the respect and dignity afforded someone who has kept their integrity intact.

She’s rewriting your marriage and trashing you to friends, family and her AP because the alternative is to accept that she is a broken adulteress who has shattered her vows and betrayed someone she swore to love, honor and keep. She’s the only one who can fix herself, but right now she’s running from the mess that she made.

You cannot reconcile by yourself and she’s giving you nothing to work with. Get your finances in order and consult with a lawyer. Get your employment sorted. Get into the gym. If you’re having trouble eating or sleeping talk to your doctor. Look into therapy with someone who treats trauma.

In short, start moving forward out of infidelity. If your WW pulls her head out of her ass and starts to follow then you can decide if there’s anything to salvage.

Hi, so sorry that you find yourself here. I am about 6 months ahead of you in this process but otherwise your words and situation were so close to my own experience.

This website helped me so much during that time and helped maintain my sanity. Please use this site as much as you need during the weeks and months ahead.

The 2 pieces of advice I will give you are-

. Don't underestimate your own strength, when my WW (wayward wife) left I knew I couldn't cope on my own, but discovered something about myself and now know 100% that I can.

. Trust the advice given on this site, I was very sceptical about some of the comments and thought I knew my WW better than that. But the advice here is uncannily accurate and should be believed.

So sorry you find yourself here but you will receive good support. You already have. Excellent advice to stop doing the pick me dance.

This is really about you….surviving and eventually thriving after infidelity. Right now it is incredibly painful. Your M didn’t fail, she did. You are not a perfect partner, but neither is she, but you didn’t cheat. You have a decade long relationship, and you desperately want to keep it. Your desire to get back what you had is totally normal. But often the only way to have any chance to save a marriage is risk losing it. Don’t chase her. Let her go. Always value yourself. You will survive this and move forward. Get tested for STDs. Implement the 180 with your WW and limit communications only in writing to issues of finance and D matters. Keep posting. Good luck.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. I have never heard of a wife losing weight for their husband. I know of four situations, two the wife just got motivated and found their partner insufficient, two where they lost weight specifically for another person's attention. I have read of many other stories, and they usually end like yours.

She has felt she could do better than you for a long time, and decided the first day she started a diet to do something about it. I doubt she has a crumb of sympathy or concern for you anymore. The sooner this sinks in, the sooner you can heal. Time to grey rock and work on yourself. I'm sorry if this comes across as callous, just I'm on mobile and typing is slow so have to be efficient.

T/J. PickleRick— not an accurate statement at all. I personally lost over 50 lbs trying to get my WS’ attention while he was having his A. I was absolutely doing it for my H. Generalizations like that are not very helpful. Sometimes people just want to get healthy. End of T/J

This is what he said

"I have never heard of a wife losing weight for their husband."

How is that inaccurate?

Since you are the first person I've encountered in that scenario, I won't make that statement again. In John's case, unfortunately it is not.

I do know a woman that had a stomach band surgery while married and still is so, but she needed to lose weight for her health. She's doing great, staying active.

A woman should lose weight for one person, and only one person.

Herself.

Suggesting that she had the affair because of faults in the betrayed spouse is generally not correct – if it ever is.

JCO
She cheated despite you and what you are, not because of you and what you are…

She cheated solely due to reasons of her own. Solely based on her own decisions and faults.

Would you be willing to elaborate on the drinking?
Was it a problem? Like did she have an issue with alcohol?
Did she drink with you? Do you drink? Do YOU have a problem with alcohol?

Valid questions IMHO. Quitting drinking for someone with an issue is not as simple as placing the cork in the bottle. It has a lot of emotional, physical and social impact. Might explain what is going through her mind. Definitely never justifies infidelity, but might explain what she’s experiencing.
Not that it matters per se. Reality is she has checked out. I think your very best bet is to act and behave accordingly. Basically have this conversation with her:
"Wife. I love you and would be willing to do a lot to make us work. But I have realized that while you are having an affair there is really nothing for us to save. Therefore I am moving on. I am starting the process of both emotionally and legally terminating our marriage and relationship.
It’s not really what I want, but it beats the quasi-marriage you are offering, and it definitely beats sharing you with another man.
There is a short period of time where you could let me know you want me and our marriage. If you do that there would be some steps and actions I would need to see done and we could then 100% commit to US. But you will need to let me know in a very clear way, fully aware that you are doing so on your own free will."

Side note: I don’t get the losing weight thingy… I HOPE not a SINGLE woman (or man for that matter) loses weight for anyone other than themselves. If that – as a side-benefit – turns your partner on then great, but I would hope the reason for weight-loss was mainly self-serving. I – and a lot of others – think infidelity generally stems from lack of validation and low self-esteem. If someone loses weight to improve self-esteem then great, go for it! Doesn’t mean you have to drop your pants too.

JCO

Often when posters dare share their stories the focus on the negative responses offered.
Keep a couple of things in mind:
Dare share their stories because it takes a certain courage to realize you have a problem, search for help and then jump into the dark and cold waters of sharing your story behind some seemingly thin veil of anonymity. (Just keep in mind SI is quite safe in that regard).
Negative response… not posted intentionally as negative. Here it might be the discussion on why a woman might want to lose weight. Basically a non-issue in the Big Picture. About as sensible as wondering why she had a salad and not fish when on a date with OM.

I hope you can bypass these possible hindrances that might be keeping you from posting again. I think the first post requires courage, but the second probably even more.