Cheating advice needed

My wife of 1.5 years (together for 9 years) left me 6 weeks ago. She stopped drinking 3 weeks before that. She's lost weight recently and looks amazing. When she left I was shocked. Didn't see it coming. Went back through recent messages between us and we were so nice to each other, you wouldn't have seen this coming if you read them.

She says we don't make each other happy and she doesn't know who she is any more. She makes me happy so I don't know why she thinks otherwise. We do argue and things are said that are hurtful in those moments but I believe those things can be worked through.

She said she wanted to sell the house ASAP so she could move on which does me no favours.

I begged her for 4 weeks to give us another chance, telling her I'd work harder on our relationship and support her with everything, improving myself as much as possible. She said maybe, every time, giving me hope, but that she needed time and space to decide. Then, she agreed to hang out with me because I told her I was so lonely. It's true, I don't have any accessible family or lots of friends. All of my friends and family were on her side and I lost them overnight. I promised we'd have fun and show each other what the good times were like again.

We had a great night, slept together, I thought we were potentially starting over, but then I found messages on her phone proving she'd been cheating on me with a colleague. I never once suspected she was capable of this. There were so many messages I couldn't read them all, and they made me feel physically sick, but it had been going on for at least a few weeks before she left. I confronted her about it in the morning. She got upset, said it was a mistake and said she wanted to try again with me. I decided to forgive her mistake. I still love her very much.

That night she was cold with me which felt like a 180 but it wasn't unusual since she has had mood swings for a while now. She told me she hadn't spoken to this guy and that he hadn't messaged her which seemed sus since she works with him and had been messaging him every spare moment in the weeks leading up to this.

But over the following week we planned a first date in an attempt to reconcile. She came round on Saturday, we went for a lovely meal, cuddled with our dogs and went to bed and slept together. I had noticed that evening (I probably wouldn't have if I hadn't found out about this guy) that she was being very protective of her phone. When she went to bed, instead of charging her phone on the side table like usual, she put it on the floor under her dressing gown. My suspicion and concerns got the better of me and I looked. She'd continued to message this guy in the same way all week. So I sent myself the WhatsApp chat and went downstairs to read the heartbreaking messages. She sexts, graphic messages, rude selfies, attempts to sleep with him often, she badmouths me to him, makes things up about her doing everything here, everything for the dogs, paying all of the bills, none of which is remotely true. She made fun of me for losing my job the week before she left. I'm concerned that she's been saying these things to her family and friends which would make it difficult for me to win them around again.

But I still love her. I still believe we can make each other happy and have a healthy future together. I confronted her the following morning about continuing to cheat, lie about it and the things she says about me. She was very upset, apologetic again, said he was a mistake and she doesn't know why she's been doing these things. She said she still wants to be with me but I need to decide if I can trust her now.

Fast forward to that evening and I messaged saying I forgive her and want to work on our marriage and my newly developed trust issues. She did another 180 and got angry at me for going through her phone and sending myself those messages. Said she'd had time to reflect and didn't know if she could move past it.

I've spent the last 6 weeks in limbo, utterly depressed, heartbroken, the only thing keeping me going was the hope she kept saying still existed. Now we're back in the same boat. She tells me she didn't leave me for this guy but because our marriage wasn't working. That she doesn't know who she is or why she's done these things but intends to find out and decide what she wants.

I asked her to give us another chance and she's back in the "maybe one day" category and I don't know how to live in limbo any more, but I also can't bring myself to quit her.

She tells me they haven't spoken since I confronted her the second time, but who knows, it doesn't really make sense that he wouldn't ask why she's gone quiet after they were messaging all day every day and they work together. What should I do? I want her back, I want our lives back, my life seems worthless and pointless without her.

Thanks for any feedback

15 comments posted: Friday, December 1st, 2023