SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You all have helped me years before and I thank you eternally for that. Last year, I found myself leaving a 5-year narcissistic relationship I didnt even know I was in. It depressed me but I went cold turkey and happy to not have ever heard from him and his narcissistic ways again. Fast forward to this year, i see red flags in every man which is both a blessing and a curse but moreso blessing bc most ppl are not for you, right? Well, I finally found who I thought was "the one" and i NEVER say that. I saw so much greenflags. I was transparent about my past and he was with his. Our communication style clicked, we had deep convos, shared insecurities, emotional needs (not too fast to get physical more than intense make out sesh), but I had a PMS episode and went full on crying after i saw he still had dating apps on his phone after promising me he didnt (and was going to delete the “only one” he had last week). I wouldnt have had such a reaction (it has yet to be a month of even knowing each other) but the lie is what got me. He had more than just that one dating app and he hadnt deleted anything so yes, I cried. I can’t believe it but I believe it was my past relationships that sparked the nerve — being lied to — it just created a triggered response of tears. I didn’t scream or act out of character. I just put my head down and let the tears flow. Thank God i wasnt sobbing but boy oh boy was he watching me. It was more or tears streaming down my face and easily covered them up. He claimed the apps are ones he doesnt use and how he doesnt use many apps he keeps downloaded on his phone. He deleted two of three of them right then but refused to delete one of them (not the one we met on) and said it wasnt because he was hiding someone on that one or needing to part ways with someone on there, he doesnt like feeling controlled but felt controlled. I just dont believe that. If that were the case, why not keep all three on there? Again, i had no reason to even tear up and ask him to follow through with his word and delete bc again we are still very early, but he said this was already done! I know it was the lie that got me. He held my hand while i teared up and wiped my tears with his hand. Real smooth and Hollywood like scene, right? I have never had comfort through an argument from a partner/potential partner so I bossed up and told my PMS to chill and he kissed me and I was reassured we were good. I never told him I pms-ing, i just chose to let it go and g continue on to the place we were on our way to. The thing, it was at this point, HE started acting weird. His energy was distant and i didnt know why (i asked). He remained quiet most of the date, at that point. He hasnt spoken to me since the date on Sunday and it is now Tuesday. I blame myself for reacting the way i did when i saw his phone and plan to apologize even tho, at this point, i feel ghosted bc we have spoken at length day and night for almost a month now until this past Sunday. I dont feel there is a great pool of humanity who know how to be loyal anymore, let alone from a man to a woman. They do us wrong and look at us as the problem from our reaction to their promise. I feel dating now, in general is wired in way that teaches the parties involved to wait for the other shoe to drop — and although i dont PMS a lot, of course i did on this past date. Although, I live by the saying "Whats for you — is for you, and you cant steer the right one away" but why am I left feeling like the red flag here? I barely slept last night. Im always the green flag in my relationship — my exs have always told me that. I just wish he offered me grace and understanding but instead im ghosted (something he also said he wouldnt do). This guy just had so many green flags and he told me we supported one another emotionally. Everything felt balanced, was refreshing. I know you all will tell me it’s best it happened now than years down the line but i cant shake this feeling. I felt like all my years of getting dead-end men finally paid off and this was my one. It was finally my turn to be happy. I was wrong. I had given up on love before this. I dont want to risk this again. I really wanted him.

[This message edited by HurtxInfinity at 3:29 PM, Tuesday, November 7th]

You're being too hard on yourself. You're dating, kudos. You're carefully screening your dates, kudos. You're disappointed you found a person with many qualities you admire, but is a liar, kudos for confronting quickly. If your boundary is lying, then the relationship will naturally end. You and he agreed to not date others? This commitment meant so much to him that he lied by omission about dating apps. You confronted his lie. My only question is why you still want the relationship?

Either we have a boundary that says we don't accept lies in a relationship or we do not. I know my own soft boundaries led to many wasted years, heartache, with a healthy sprinkling of ptsd.

Dating is a contact sport making your boundaries important. What I hope is to follow your good example, except to the point where you started blaming yourself for someone else's inability to be honest. Please consider for a moment that you're not the problem.

I blame myself for reacting the way i did when i saw his phone and plan to apologize even tho...

You plan to apologize?? For what? For reacting to his lie that you caught him in? Read my questions again.

He lied. This "man" is a dead end. Move on. And forgive yourself for thinking you had to apologize.

If you want to catch him in more lies, make a dummy account for the app he left on his phone. You will see him there. Maybe that will help you move on.

Dating is not for the faint of heart. It pretty much sucks. I’m sorry. I would hold off on dating again until you are confident you can enforce your boundaries. It’s not easy.

I blame myself for reacting the way i did when i saw his phone and plan to apologize even tho, at this point, i feel ghosted bc we have spoken at length day and night for almost a month now until this past Sunday.

If your partner was really the one for you, he wouldn't have had the apps still on his phone and he certainly not insist on keeping one. I would suggest that you don't really know him. It's easy to play a role for a short time. He got caught in a lie then ghosted you. That isn't the person you deserve.

This is tough stuff. I am sorry you are going through this.

To me relationships are all about agreements. I have no patience for people who break their agreements with me.

I have learned to give and receive clarity of agreement (comsent). I learned decades to late to take the time to get to know a person and get clarity before I become emotionally attached.

A lot of people are addicted if you will to the endless supply of attention available on the internet.. likes loves wows galore. They are not my person. I am not poly.

Some people have a dating funnel until they mutually agree to be exclusive. I would be fine with that but personally I wouldn’t even be kissing and not telling with plural daters. That’s just a me thing.

Other people get to know people with the intention of finding a partner. I could do that while maintaining my boundaries and pacing my attachment.

My point is that unless 2 people have specific clear conversation about what type of dating they are doing and back it up with action there is no exclusivity. I don’t assume exclusivity.

At a certain point (exclusivity) I would expect for me that we might begin to use each other’s phones to do things like maps or order McDonald’s. Again, that’s something that would be talked about and agreed to.

I really am sorry things didn’t work out the way you hoped. Your person is out there.

"It's easy to play a role for a short time. He got caught in a lie then ghosted you. That isn't the person you deserve."

We deserve people who keep their agreements.

The red flag for me would be him saying he doesn’t like to be controlled in reference to a perfectly reasonable request by you to hold true to his own promises and statements to you.

My ex said something like that to be on our third date and I remember thinking it was an ick but excused it and man I wish I had listened to my gut.

I have been dating someone for two years now and I apologize for being controlling a lot and he is always like "what? You aren’t at all. Sharing your needs is not controlling."

Thank you everyone. He JUST responded writing, "I had no intention of ghosting you or anything like that. There’s no need for you to apologize for anything. Honestly, the other night was a lot and I’m just not sure if this is a good fit. I just feel like everything’s moving a lot faster than it should. From making future plans to calling each other babe and baby to the idea of having an exclusive relationship…I wanted to feel things out for a while and see where it goes instead of immediately getting into a full blown relationship which I know you want but I’m perhaps not ready for. If things progressed slower and in a more organic way then a relationship with you would be something I would want but I want to say how I’m feeling now rather then wait until things progressed in a more physical manner. I think you’re a wonderful, accomplished, caring and beautiful person but you may not be the right fit for me at this point in my life. I think we’re just on different pages in terms of what we are looking for in a relationship. I do care about you and understand your feelings but I also have to be honest about my own feelings." This seems like a very reasonable, logical, mature response, right? But this is pure gaslighting on his part toward me. Everything was organic, it was natural, we checked in daily on one another and how we were feeling. If he decided to stop, he needs to take accountability that he never communicated that. Super unfortunate because communication was our strength and we valued that in one another (so i thought). HE wanted this as much as me and we made every decision together. This is insane. He’s making it seem like im this crazy woman who put all these expectations out on him. Again, every day had been perfect until i saw the dating apps and cried. Im truly hurt he isnt taking accountability but i didnt even defend myself in response. I absolutely hate being lied to and on. This is the ultimate gaslight. Im hurt he did this after everything as if nothing was good. Why isnt he taking any accountability? Why would he do this?

I am sorry that he seems like just another kid in the dating candy store, shopping every day. He probably thought he meant every sincere sounding thing he ever said to you but THEN one day, oops, he saw someone new pop up on some online dating site he wanted to meet, and suddenly you hear his story change. Oh yeah, he's saying he's having too much fun shopping just now to settle down.

Whenever that happened to me in my single life, later on I'd find out the guy had met somebody more "enticing." A couple of times, it was a woman with more money or wealthier parents or whatever, and not any reflection on me personally. All 3 times that happened, the guys latched on to these women for dear life and I know it wasn't her looks or whatever, it was what else she could offer him. (I never realized how mercenary some people can be, but dating in midlife is not for the faint of heart!)

I wish I had something to offer you to help you deal with this turn of events.

Question for single men out there: is a woman's income a factor in who you like to get serious with? I never heard anybody talk about this but I think it's a real possibility.

I am sorry that he seems like just another kid in the dating candy store, shopping every day.

Thats one of the seedier sides of OLD in the modern age. It's so easy to keep shopping on the sly.

but you may not be the right fit for me at this point in my life.

Believe what he is telling you. He telling and showing you the same thing. This is not what he is looking for right now.

I know it stinks - but step away and save yourself anymore grief.

My guess is he is multi-dating and there is someone on the other page he is looking into as well. There is nothing wrong with multi-dating as long is you are on the same page/expectations. He is not.

I would probably even block him because once he finds out you were the prize...he will be circling back.

His words are fluffy and reasonable sounding.

Undeniable Fact: He still LIED to you. He is spinning it, now, to make it seem you attached too quickly. Pfffftt. Bye, loser.

This stuff is painful, and I am sorry you are experiencing this. You did nothing wrong.

In the future, even if a man is pressuring you to move quickly, hold your boundary and go slow. One month is way too soon to be calling each other "baby" or calling things exclusive. You don’t even know each other. Not even close. Feelings that early on are based on lust, not genuine connection. I recommend reading countrydirt’s post in new beginnings. His connection to his lady grew ever so slowly. It was beautiful to "watch" through his words. There is no rush. Slow down. You’ll get through this.

In the future, even if a man is pressuring you to move quickly, hold your boundary and go slow. One month is way too soon to be calling each other "baby" or calling things exclusive. You don’t even know each other. Not even close. Feelings that early on are based on lust, not genuine connection.

There is no rush. Slow down. You’ll get through this.

He may have commitment issues and anything resembling moving too fast will make them back off. I know when I first started dating if anyone were to get serious too fast it would have scared the living daylights out of me. I'm sorry he was not more upfront from the beginning about maybe not jumping into things so quickly.

I know I kept my dating app on my phone for awhile even though I was seeing someone but no mentions of boyfriend/girlfriend were made for another 7 months. It hurt a little and I almost ended it but we are now committed and am happy I didn't pull the trigger. Partly why I kept the dating app on my phone (was not using it) was just in case it didn't work out.

You are lucky you found out exactly who he is.

At the very least he’s a liar.

Yes, he’s the one who said we are serious and said he’s done dating others and deleting the app on his phone (which he didnt, and had others as I mentioned). Anyway, thanks for your help everyone. It’s hard not to be jaded. He chose to rewrite the narrative and say I was moving too fast even though he really wanted to do so and I simply followed. I’m wiser for the wear, yes, but equally tired of always seeming to come into similar experiences each time I give a shot at real commitment. Emotional safety is what I finally thought I had with him (which I really needed). 2023 has been the hardest year of my life. I don’t think I can do this anymore.

[This message edited by HurtxInfinity at 1:22 PM, Thursday, November 9th]

Emotional safety is what I finally thought I had with him (which I really needed). 2023 has been the hardest year of my life. I don’t think I can do this anymore.

We protect ourselves with our boundaries. There is dating and perspective advice on this threat that I'm certainly valuing and taking inspiration as I formulate my plan.

You were again with someone that broke contracts, lied, then gaslit you. I appreciate you sharing, truly, your sharing of this relationship attempt is a cautionary tale I'm taking inspiration. My 1st handle here I came with PTSD, set on reconciliation, gaslighting and lying to myself, in order to hold a marriage together that only had one party. I failed to heed the tragedy and experiences of others and I paid with living in infidelity for three more years.

You can do it, you have been doing it, and you just did it by ending a relationship that crossed essential boundaries. You have set a standard and are sticking to it. Give yourself some credit that you are doing it, you're dating! I'm sorry to hear your new heartache but thank you for sharing. Perhaps you might advise on how you're planning on approaching dating as you venture onward?

Emotional safety is what I finally thought I had with him (which I really needed). 2023 has been the hardest year of my life. I don’t think I can do this anymore.

800-273-8255 is the suicide prevention hotline. 24/7 if you need it. It’s been posted on this site many times.

If you are referring to not dating anymore, go ahead and take a nice long break. After separation, I did not date for 18 months. Then, during my divorce, I took 2 one year breaks from dating of any kind. I isolated with friends and family, and I became emotionally safe for myself. I built a solid foundation inside myself. When I felt ready, I dipped my toe back in.

A partner isn’t the only person who can fulfill your life. Let yourself your friends and your family fulfill you. A partner should be the icing on an already fabulous cake. Take your time. Keep posting.

I will add that you can do everything possible to be a strong partner, and to protect yourself, and there are still people who will lie and betray. You will miss the red flags or there just won’t be any. The truth is, you can’t trust people. And you don’t have to. You only need to trust that you will be able to handle whatever happens. And it takes time to get to that place. I have certainly made mistakes while dating. I’ve been burned. I’ve been betrayed. I’ve had my heart bruised. I think most of us here have. But we are all here still standing, and you will be too.

Finally, I know several people in real life who are single and living fabulous happy lives. There’s no rule book or box that you have to fit into. It’s your life. Find happiness, however that looks for you.

Yes, he’s the one who said we are serious and said he’s done dating others and deleting the app on his phone (which he didnt, and had others as I mentioned).

(((HurtxInfinity))) You have every right to be upset about this. He lead you on with false promises and future faking and then wonders why you ask him to delete the dating app You certainly deserve better than this. Not someone faking something to what benefit?

Take a break and enjoy life again. Go out with friends, see places. You'll come back to the realm of dating when you are ready I don't blame you for wanting to take a break. I would have been very hurt by this.

Thank you, all. Speaking to you all here is real medicine so I thank each one of you for your replies. I am a whole person. I don’t date looking for my other half — I look for my other whole. You all are right — I cant control others lying to me and thank you for the response that mentions I don’t even need to work toward trusting another — I just need to trust myself that I know when to start and when to stop on time for my own self-respect (no matter how little or how much time has passed) so that my bruised heart doesn’t break again. I send love to you all bc ppl hate one another without knowing one another so why can’t we love? I just cannot date right now bc I feel too much pain all over again. I’m just going to enjoy my dogs until the right man proves himself — im not an easy egg to crack after how my year went. *Sigh*