SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I posted a few weeks ago.....but am back after reading a lot. Im miserable. I cry most mornings -8 weeks after DD. I am exerising, eating well, taking care but thats about it.

My husband who I love dearly hired escorts-- just over this summer 2023-- not once but 3 separate times. He is remorseful, full disclosure, been in therapy since day 2, in a group online , reading books recommended and deeply sorry and hurting for me. He has a lot of childhood trauma he is dealing with and swears he wants to do whatever it takes.

I was originally numb, then empathetic, now I cry most mornings and just can't imagine how I can get through this-- he did this 3 times!!! I remember him leaving for meetings and returning- not knowing what the meetings were.

My adult children also do not know- I dont want to share my trauma but Im a bit withdrawn ( they live out of town) and I feel like it will affect the whole family if I dont get unstuck. Anyone else been in this situation?

Satya,

While no two situations are the same, I have had a repeat offending BH over my 28+ year marriage. I would suggest you find a trauma IC and perhaps see your physician for some medication to help you in the short term.

My adult children do not know my situation either. I have confided in some close friends that I hadn’t on my first DD and I have found it helped me. Hopefully you have a good friend who will listen and support you.

You don’t need to find all the answers or understand it all. It’s a process. There are many more wise people on here that will offer advice. The weekend seems a little slower at times. I just wanted you to know that you have been heard.

Hang in there.

Sorry that happened to you. While no two stories are the same, this is painful stuff. What I learned is to take exquisite care of myself. Eat, hydrate, exercise, health and mental health care.

Sending positive thoughts your way.

I'm sorry you are going through this, the only way to it is through it. You have to put yourself first and focus on self care. I found that working out, just taking a walk, really helped me. I started losing weight and my self esteem started to come back. Healing is a journey with no short cuts, you have to feel the feels and process the trauma.

I wish I had better advice but it's a shit sandwich that has been served to you.

Thank u all for your thoughts. I was always good at self care but am now keeping it basic and simple. I’m ok but just so so sad :(. I appreciate all responses

I am puzzled. Why are you calling them escorts? If he is using them for sex they are prostitutes. I know there is push back about using that term because of trafficking so how did he find them? If it was through a pimp then they might be victims but if they are doing their own advertising they are prostituting. Escorts are men and women who dress up and escort others to public affairs.

You need an outlet for your feelings. Are you seeing an IC? Is there a pastor, bestie, or family member you can confide in?
It is normal to be crushed still. It is really early days for you. Don’t be surprised if anger is the next feeling to come up — some of us experience rage. infidelity is a doozy, and it is going to destabilize you for a long time. An IC can help unstick you.

Also, I think you can be honest that you are going through something to your kids without spilling all the details. You are allowed to have emotions and trouble and not be "perfect".

I will also echo that you should not sugar coat what your husband did. He hired prostitutes which endangered your health, contributed to people/child trafficking, used marital funds irresponsibly, and betrayed the marriage vows he made to you. It’s good that he is starting to work on his issues, but don’t minimize what he did. The only way to get through this is to acknowledge what it really was. Then you can work on accepting that it happened and healing yourself.

thank you all.....

I say escorts because these were high priced call girls he communicated with directly -no middle man

My husband also cheated on me with escorts.

While I was seeing my doc for STD tests (please also do so if you haven’t already- I know it’s humiliating, but you need to make sure) my doc could tell I was a mess and offered a prescription to Lexapro, which I took. It’s definitely helped take the edge off and make me feel more grounded. The depression and anxiety are still there, but I’m able to function during the day and sleep at night.

I’ve also started individual counseling with a therapist who specializes in betrayal trauma. While I know my husband needs individual help (and he is getting it) getting help for myself has also been good. This is a huge trauma - you need help to navigate your way through it.

Finally, my therapist recommended I read "The Betrayal Bind" by Michelle Mays - definitely a lot of good stuff in there that applies to situations like ours.

@justsadandtired...thank you for the post and referral to The Betrayal Bind

First of all, 8 weeks is a drop in the bucket when the betrayal means rethinking 25+ years. For me, it was 27 years of marriage and 30 years together. I am at 10 months from DDay now. Like you, I did not reveal what was going on to my kids or to the extended family. To date, 3 people know (other than the people on SI).

Recognize that the choice do to do this has a cost, but for some of us, it is worth the price.

I can say, 10 months later, I am glad I gave myself and my spouse the time and space.

But for those first months? I was one part obsessed super-sleuth; I have a reconstructed 3-year timeline from mining every text, credit card receipt, and text message (he kept handwritten copies of their texts as mementos). The other part of me vacillated from numbness to debilitating grief. Yet I also masked it all so that no one around me really knew what I was going through—another layer to the trauma.

You will find your way through, and you will have to find the right path for you.

For me, here is what helped:

1) time, and a lot of journaling. I have a secret journal where I can say whatever I want. That helps. I review it, remove the pages that, after reflection, do not feel true. I keep the ones that are, no matter how painful they might be.

2) affirmations. For me, my mantra has been this: I am a rock, and these feelings are a wave. They will wash over me, and when the storm passes, I will remain. I am the rock, and I am not my emotions, nor am I other people's emotions. I am stronger than anyone around me knows.

3) brutal honesty. I insisted that any future we had depended on his ability to demonstrate transparency and truth. It means a willingness to hear things I do not want to hear, but also his willingness to speak the things he was afraid to say.

4) Recover first, then reconcile or separate. I insisted that he understood that we both needed to recover before we could decide what this meant for our marriage. We mutually chose reconciliation, but only when we both felt recovered enough to trust that choice.

And 10 months later? It still hurts sometimes. It is hurting tonight. I still wonder if I am just too broken some days. But... and here is the important thing... there are other days that I feel like I am moving on. There are days that I feel excited about the better, more honest marriage we are building. Every day, I am learning to understand that trusting again after a betrayal is the most courageous thing we can ask of ourselves. You will learn to trust yourself again, and that is the key. That is the thing that was violated and the thing you will reclaim in time.

Hang in there. This hurts. This is hard. This forum is full of people on the same journey, and we are here for you.