SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello everybody.

I am posting mainly to hear other people’s advice on my situation. If I break a few rules I am sorry, I just have ti talk to somebody who has been through this.

A few months ago my wife went to see a massage therapist for pain she’s been having, a journey she’s been on quite some time. A few weeks later my entire life has turned upside down. We are now separated and not speaking and we have 3 very young children. Please give me any advice or thoughts you have.

We’ve been together over a decade and married for 10 years with 3 kids. We would get in big fights about every 2 years. For the past year and a half I would describe our marriage as absolutely awesome. Exactly one year ago she told me just that. Earlier this year she came to me and decided she wanted to try for another baby’s next year, which made me so happy and gave me what I thought was a good grade on our marriage. For the rest of the year we talked about when the baby comes and all kinds of other plans we were making. Then, like I said, she goes to a massage therapist for her neck, and in the following weeks I observe so many behavior changes. For the first time in my marriage I google "signs she is cheating" and my heart dropped when I saw so many of the patterns my wife has taken on listed right in front of my eyes on a random article. But not her. She would never do that. She has strong convictions and doesn’t believe in that. Over the next few weeks I felt a he brick wall that was my trust for my wife slowly start to crumble.

We have a big fight/discussion about it 3 weeks ago. She says I need to find myself, I want more freedom, it’s not you it’s me (you’ve got to be kidding me…) we stop speaking for several days per her request. After all she says she needs space. A few talks later I pull it out of her that actually does have feelings or thoughts for another man. This to me is not an unforgivable sin. After all I see beautiful women all the time and I have thoughts all the time. I really start to freak out the next day when I tell her she can’t contact or interact with this person ever again. It would destroy our marriage and put our kids through so much pain. She refuses to commit to that for several days. Then finally I get her to say ok I have one more appointment I paid for and then I’m quitting them. Ok.

A few nights later she decides she wants a "separation" which to her would mean I don’t get to ask her who she’s with or where she’s been. I say fine as long as it’s monogamous take all the space you need. She refused. I would not have the right to know if she’s dating texting or seeing any man. The next day I tell her to take a this back and don’t jump off this cliff. She refused to budge. So I tell several members of her family that’s it’s over between us because she won’t commit to her marriage vows.

Now her family is talking to her. Saying you have to fix this with him. You can’t just leave your family and be with some man. You have young kids you have got to try and work this out. She tells them things like I love my husband but I’m not IN love with him, I know I have to try and fix my marriage and I can’t just walk away, I don’t want to hurt him and I don’t want to hurt the kids and yes I will text this man to tell him it’s over. She’s out the house for a few days. The kids freak out knowing they’re leaving her one night and not coming home. So she says we should always be home at bedtime for their sake. So now she’s back in th house…

Yesterday morning we have a talk. It’s the same stuff. I need space, we need this separation, I need to think about what I want to do with my life, etc. I have no idea how long this will go on. December? January? I have no idea. But if you feel like you can’t keep waiting I can understand if you need to leave (hint hint). Im going to set an appointment with a therapist.

So now here we are. She’s playing games. Still definitely texting with this guy, tho we haven’t addressed that since she’s been back in the house. And we are swapping days when we try to be out of the house. So now I’m trying to decide do I just divorce right now and screw the kids happiness and long term mental health, without even trying marriage counseling since she refuses to go. Or do I play her little game and go on for months and do all the stuff everyone says online "work on yourself, spend time around friends, give her space it’s good to give space, don’t be needy, give her the chance to want you to come back blah blah blah"

I have no idea what to do. Neither of us have ever given any kind of indication we are interested in someone else. This came out of nowhere and ran me over like an 18 wheeler.

I spoke with my therapist today and he said it’s either that she is now who she always has been and she’s under some kind of spell or trance and has lost her mind and needs to snap out of it and she will one day and she will regret it all and feel horrible for destroying her family or

She has changed over the years and she is only just now showing who she has become, what is important to her, and what she believes and the values she has always had are simply not truly her values.

I am desperate to do what is right for my kids since their mother has absolutely lost her mind and will not take their needs into consideration and actually try to fix this marriage and go to marriage counseling and TRY. Please, somebody give me some advice. Anything. I am so lost and I have 3 little souls riding on my next decision.

Do i stick around and play the game? Or should I just file for divorce and leave? I am so conflicted.

[This message restored by Webmaster at 10:11 AM, Friday, October 27th]

[This message edited by Person2023 at 3:29 PM, Friday, October 27th]

Your wife is actively cheating on you. This leaves you few choices. You can accept it. Or you can tell her that if she wants to be with that guy, then fine. But not while she is your wife. I get you might not be ready to say that, but that is really what it comes down to. As long as she is seeing him, then she is not a candidate for any form of reconciliation.

Meanwhile take care of you and the kids.
* Get tested for STDs. tell your doctor and get a full panel. Don’t be embarrassed- they have heard it before and it is critical.
* Eat well, drink lots of water, get some exercise, and get a good night sleep. Avoid drugs and alcohol - I learned that one the hard way. See your doctor if you are having trouble with these. You need to keep your health up so you can take care of your kids.
* See 2-3 lawyers. Not to file, but to learn what your rights are. Knowledge is power, and it helps alleviate the fear of the unknown. You don’t need to tell her you are doing this.
* Read here in the Healing Library and the Just Found Out forum (especially the pinned posts and the ones with bullseyes).
* If you need space to process, ask her to leave the bedroom. You need a space to work through the motions.
* Understand that her cheating has nothing to do with you. She chose to do this, and it’s because she has an empty hole. It has nothing to do with you or the state of your Marriage. if she was unhappy, there were dozens of other ways to handle things.

Keep posting, and know that you will be okay.

Welcome to SI sorry you had to find us but you are among many members that have been in your shoes. First of all this is not your fault, it's not the marriages fault, your WW is broken and purposely harming your family. Please start by reading the pinned topics at the top of this forum and the Healing Library. You need to study up and implement the 180, you have to get you and your kids out of infidelity.

do I just divorce right now and screw the kids happiness and long term mental health, without even trying marriage counseling since she refuses to go.

Again she has put this upon you and the kids, MC will not help. You have to be willing to lose the M to save it and unfortunetly your M is already gone. I would suggest getting tested for STD's, detach and start consulting with attorneys to weigh your options.

The absolute worst thing you can do right now is chase her, let her go, don't do the pick me dance it only fans the flames. You need to detach and 180 (head the other direction). I'm sorry she has done this to you.

You will surely get very good advice here. I would read and carefully consider what will be posted here over the next few days.

I understand you are concerned about your kids, as a good father should be. However, playing her game, as you call it, will not fix your wife or your marriage.

It sounds like she wants out in a permanent sense or wants to explore, after which she can come back. If it is the first, nothing you can do about it. If it's the second, do you think you would have a good relationship (environment or model for your kids)? The only answer here is either no or maybe...but maybe would depend on so many things much of which will be entirely out of your control (would she be R material, which entails a ton). You can't make her stay if she doesn't want to. I'd lean immediately to D if I were you. Remember, this doesn't necessarily preclude a future reconciliation after D but you will be in a much better position to decide at that time. Just my two cents.

Welcome to SI. Very sorry you have found a need to be here but you will receive good advice. You already have! Read in the healing library and specifically read and implement the 180. Only communicate with your WW over finances or child issues. No idle chit chat. Do not do the pick me dance and pursue her, it only pushes her further away. She has decided she no longer wants to be M. You can’t control her or force her to want the M. Let her go. And accept no blame for her cheating. Do not drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what caused her betrayal. There is no justification. You correctly noted her values were not what she stated. The purpose of the 180 is to give you space to get mentally adjusted to the new reality. Be there for your children as the stable parent. Get into counseling if you can. You have suffered a trauma. If her AP is married, inform his wife of the A immediately. She deserves to know.

Always value yourself. You deserve a loving and faithful partner. Get tested for STD’s. I would see an attorney to learn my rights and get the D process started. You can always call it off if she ever shows remorse and a willingness to do the hard work to earn back your trust. This is a time for calm and firm action. Be there for your children. You will get through this. We all did. Good luck.

do I just divorce right now and screw the kids happiness and long term mental health

The kids are watching, but not like you might think.

They are watching and learning how to handle this if it happens to them, and you are their teacher on that aspect.

They are also watching and learning what happens if they do this to another person, and she and you are both their teacher on that as well.

What lessons do you want them to learn?

My FWS's parents both cheated, the kids knew, variable degrees of tit for tat cheating and tolerance for it, family shattered, glued back together, broken again, repeated multiple times. She hated cheaters and liars. But, the lesson she learned was that everyone cheats, and cheated herself, that everyone lies in marriage, and she lied a lot, that everyone has a secret life in their marriage, and had one outside of the cheating before and afterwards.

They will learn this lesson one way or the other. You can only control what you show them.

I am so sorry for you. It’s pure hell you are in while being forced to get up every day and be a good solid parent. I was in your shoes but my kids were a bit older (early teens).

I would nominate myself for an Academy Award for BEST ACTRESS in a drama role during that time. I did everything I could to hide this from my kids.

Right now your cheating spouse is in the affair fog. Google it. It’s definitely a real thing and the cheater is in the "infatuation I can’t live without you" stage. Everything in fantasy land is wonderful but everything in real life (marriage) is terrible.

Do you wait this out? Hope the bubble bursts? Hope a reality check occurs?

Sorry to say you just cannot know with certainty when or IF this will even happen. It could be tomorrow or it could be years.

And your children will suffer from this. That’s the worst part of affairs.

Right now you are in limbo. And you are forced to make decisions that are based upon your own personal experience and situation. You cannot wait forever for her to get her head out of her butt and return to reality.

But what you can do is set boundaries.

Maybe she needs to move out and only see kids on an agreed upon schedule.

Maybe you need to stop funding her lifestyle. Cancel joint credit cards. Change bank accounts to remove her access to $. She should not spend your $ on her affair partner. Period.

Read up on the 180. It’s not meant to stop 🛑 the affair but to give you protection from having to be part of it.

Stop supporting her. Stop being her friend and spouse. Let her be on her own and go get a job (if she’s not currently try working) and figure out how to make a go of her life without you & your financial support.

When I turned my back on my H it was the hardest thing but I had no choice. Turns out it was the smartest decision I made.

I hope this helps you. You get to decide how long you want to live in hell. Because that is where you are right now. And honestly I don’t understand how people can walk away or cause pain to their kids b/c an AP is more important.

I was in your shoes. Trust me it’s the worst feeling. But I know you are doing your best for your kids. 💕

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:06 AM, Friday, October 27th]

I remember being right where you are now. I was 22 years into what seemed a strong marriage getting better. I too was getting feedback that she was happy and excited for the next chapter in our lives. Kids were getting older, we were getting more time to spend on each other, dreaming about retirement, travel, romance and then…

She was gone. Replaced by a stranger in a Mrs Realityblows suit. There was no warning. There were no red flags. I’ve honestly looked back in earnest for anything I could have possibly missed, but nothing.

Talking to her, she seemed just as surprised as I. She said she wasn’t looking for an affair, it just happened. It just happened.

That was 10 years ago and I am, to this day, still tripping balls over how "it just happened". One moment you’re part of something wonderful and seemingly thriving, destined for forever and a day, and then…

It’s absolutely stunning. I felt stunned, disoriented, confused, but then I found this place. SI helped me recompose, orient, make a sound assessment, plan and heal.

We’re not in love with your wife, we’re not emotionally invested, so we’re in great position to help you think pragmatically, tactically, objectively, so…

do I just divorce right now and screw the kids happiness and long term mental health, without even trying marriage counseling

Others have well covered this question of yours, but I wanted to add, that you are already functionally divorced. She has already made this decision for you, and until she returns to the marriage and champions a comprehensive reconciliation, you should fix a steady course towards divorce. Avoid limbo as soon as you can. Affairs thrive in limbo. If there is any chance of breaking her out of her affair fog, it will not come from a "wait-it-out" strategy. You need to provide consequences. Consequences such as: Service of divorce papers, exposure, notification of OBS or OB partner, and The 180.

The kids: Will they be truly happy in a fake marriage? Will living with an unremorseful cheater provide a nurturing environment for kids? Children are very intuitive. They will pick up and internalize any toxicity.

Marriage Counseling. You currently don’t have a marriage to counsel. You do have a very troubled spouse who has a lot of personal shit to fix. What you need initially, is for her to get Individual Counseling. She is broken, not the marriage. Then, if she becomes a safe partner, you can reinforce with MC.

Take care going through this and stick with us.

Welcome here brother...

I'm sorry that you find yourself here. You have every right to be upset, confused, and scared.

I spoke with my therapist today and he said it’s either that she is now who she always has been and she’s under some kind of spell or trance and has lost her mind

I want to address this misconception. Your WW isn't under mind control. She is under the influence of self denial. She is lying to herself to absolve her responsibility in all this. You have to be "sane" to know what lies to tell yourself. Right now she's telling herself that you're a terrible person and that the OP is her "true luv" so that she can feel justified in making selfish and self destructive choices. Do no absolve her of her responsibility for what she is doing.

We have a big fight/discussion about it 3 weeks ago.

Of course you did. She needs to be angry at you.

She says I need to find myself, I want more freedom...

She doesn't need another bed to figure out if she wants to be an astronaut or an accountant.

I am desperate to do what is right for my kids...

Of course you are. You're a good man and that is commendable intent, brother.

But here's the thing - if you try to play her game, you are already set up to fail.
If you try to "love" her back or play the "pick me game", then you are telling her that she is so completely fucking awesome that men should be throwing themselves at her and she can do what she wants.

That's not how marriage works.
And right now, you don't have a marriage.

My advice is to pull a complete 180 and put the focus on yourself and your kids. Check the Healing Library for the articles o the 180.

Tell your wife she is free to pursue the OM and to go find herself.
But also tell her that she is not free to do that as your wife.
That you need a partner committed to the marriage and the family and you would prefer to rebuild with her.
But that you won't live in the current conditions.

Your WW is not showing any remorse. Consult a lawyer and find out where you stand and what your rights are, take stock of your finances and make sure they're protected (wayward spouses have a habit of considering half of the money theirs, and the other half "ours", leaving you with a quarter).

Let the reality of the situation sink in.
You're the fucking catch here.

The very best thing you can do for you kids is to not accept toxic behaviour and not allowing yourself to passively endure abuse. Show them that no matter what you're up against, that you can take control by focusing on the choices that you can control, and that your effort is best focused into healing and surrounding yourself with enriching relationships. Show them that respect always, always, always begins with self-respect, and that you are capable of meeting any challenge head on, with your integrity and values still in tact.

You deserve better than this. You didn't cause this.

Keep strong brother. It's going to be a long, hard road, but one way or another, if you can commit to yourself, you will get out of this. You might divorce or you might reconcile, but the immediate need is to eliminate the infidelity in your life.

Keep posting. Keep reading. Vent if you have to. Find a constructive outlet for the stress and anger (hint - exercise is great for this).

Take a good look inside when everything seems lost. There's always something there. Remember it.

You're gonna be okay.

These stories get me angry. The WS starts an affair in secret, gets found out, then continues the affair basically in plain sight ignoring the tremendous pain that they are subjecting both to their spouse and family. All in the name of fulfillment on their part. The BS has to live knowing that their WS is having sex with their new lover, and the WS expects them to let them live out their dream. It’s almost as they make the BS the bad guy for standing in the way of their happiness.

They almost always end in the same way. The Whole thing goes down in flames. Either the AP breaks of off as they were just looking for sex which they were getting when the WS was married, but when the WS now wants a relationship the AP drops them like a hot potato. Or the WS realizes that their pretty comfortable life isn’t available with the new AP and they come back proclaiming that it is truly the BS they really love and the BS should somehow be thankful for this.

These cheaters all are one thing. Extremely selfish and often ver cruel. She when caught should have been walking over hot coals to get you back. Instead she is stringing you along while she has her fun.

My advice is to just stop talking to her about anything that doesn’t pertain to the kids. See a divorce attorney and not be subtle about it. Don’t ask what or where she is. When she sees that, maybe, just maybe she will realize you are leaving and then might come to her senses. At that point you are the boss and can decide what to do going forward.

A few months ago my wife went to see a massage therapist

Who is this guy? Is he married or does he have a girlfriend? Would having sex with a client get him fired or cost him his certification? Does he have a criminal record, maybe for something that would preclude contact with children? Google him, have your lawyer run a background check.

If he does have a significant other tell her about the affair. Report him to his employer and state board.

Sir, first of all my deep commiserations on this terrible betrayal. It is a shock unlike any other.

Your story struck a chord in me. My betrayal happened decades ago with my first wife. I too was a young husband and father wirh small chidren in the home. We stayed "together" (I use that term loosely) and I stuck it out through an absolutely miserable decade in part, due to the fallacious reasoning of it being "for the kids". It is one of the greatest regrets of my life. The toxic environment affected the children anyway and cost me much of my vitality for those years.

Theres an old saying, "You cannot grasp that which you do not have," and Im sorry to say, your "wife" has exited your marriage.

Truth is, there is a maturity/morality gap (read chasm) in your wifes soul that has either always been there or recently opened up. Either way its been revealed and tragically, you must deal strongly with the aftermath.

Difficult transitions can be very very hard. You have been given absolutely tremendous input as to tactical steps. The 180 is something I hope you'll implement for yourself. Its not about her, its for you. For your own sanity and well being, you need to start severely limiting your exposure to her otherwise it will eat at you like acid. "Grey rock" her as much as possible when you must interact and limit it to being about the kids and divorce, should you go that route.

You and your kids need to be the focus now. Gather as much healthy support arounnd you as possible, all on "Team Person2023". This includes a good therapist, trusted friends and family, etc. Do not "turtle up" and try to go it alone. You need help. On that note, see a good attorney immediately to be advised of your rights under the laws of your state. Keep posting here too. It helps.

In the meantime step up your self care big time. Eat right, exercise, hit the gym, hydrate (NO booze), have regular outings with guy friends. Take sleep aids if you need them....gotta have good rest. Read "No More Mr Nice Guy" to bolster your inner strength. You need all of this.

As I said, I stuck it out for an extremely painful decade. It was the wrong choice.

Now? Im remarried to a wonderful woman. Shes beautiful, mentally/emotionally mature (read adult), accomplished, and successful. I have all that I had hoped for in that gruelling ten year time frame, but first I had to let go of the mirage.

I am so sorry youve been thrown into this crucible of your treasonous wife's making. I truly am.

Dont stay there though. You dont have to.

Strength to you now to do what you must.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 3:18 PM, Friday, October 27th]

Read up on limerence. Fits this to a T

Sorry you are here. Yes, she is in limerance. Avoid the "pick me" dance; it very rarely works, it causes you more pain and in the end hurts your self esteem too. Instead, make it crystal clear to her that infidelity is not an option for you. Do the 180, see a lawyer and start the process of filing for divorce. That doesn't mean you have to divorce... if she snaps out of it you can always put a D on hold. But the D discussion and/or filing puts her on notice. It elevates the consequences of the fantasy she is living in and makes things real. A separation allows her to retain both her fantasy and the marriage. A looming D is like cold water on the fantasy. Of course it doesn't mean she will snap out of it but imo the chances are better she will come to her senses than a separation where you let her soak in the fantasy with the marriage safety net.

Separations have their time and place but not in your situation right now.

Outstanding advice by all above. Please strongly consider it for your own sake. Everyone here knows what they are talking about.

I'm a believer in confronting something instead of waiting for it to get better. Why would filing for divorce mean you leave? Seems she wants freedom, let the birdy fly. Waiting around for them to come back or find their brain doesn't seem to work.

Speaking from experience, seems the bird quickly learns it was not such a good idea when confronted with the painful reality of their decisions. Although each bird I suspect is a bit different.