SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Good evening all,

This is my first post, but I’ve been lurking since Summer 2022 and read everything.

Background:
I overheard my husband of 4 years talking to someone on the phone when I was asleep in Jan 2022. Totally blindsided as we had a great relationships, best friends, always laughing, always doing stuff. Turns out he had a PA from June 2020-Jan 2021 (4 ‘occasions’), then EA since then to d-day. Very horrible and traumatising. PTSD, the works for me. Anxiety and depression followed. Some weak attempt at MC which I stopped and did 6 months of IC.

Long story shorter, I moved away in summer 2022 to be near family and friends, settled DD into a new school. I couldn’t stay in that area and drive past OW’s house. Work from home so kept the same job. WH visited every other week and now has moved here to be closer to us. We co-parent well. DD is happy and thriving. We have dinner altogether once a week.
WH desperately wants to reconcile and I guess has done everything ‘right’ eventually after a few months of TT and foggy behaviour. He’s always wanted to reconcile.

The problem is that I just feel flat and quite nihilistic in general. I haven’t committed to R, in fact I started D because I brought more assets to M than he did, and want to fiercely protect that now to feel secure. D should be finalised before Xmas.
WH has agreed to everything I’ve requested (nothing unreasonable, I keep everything civil as possible now to co-parent) and says he will wait as long as it takes for me to heal and want to R, and the D is just a piece paper. I’m not sure I believe him fully. Infidelity robs you of the naive Disney ending somewhat. I don’t believe in our M anymore. I would rather be someone’s partner than get M again.

I guess my problem is that I don’t know what I want. Or I still want the Time Machine. I’ve put walls up, I know that. It’s hard to let them down again with WH. I don’t know how to do it authentically. (Also have major issues with a narc mother). Surely walls shouldn’t be forced down?

Is this the POLF I have seen people refer to? Or do you need to be committed to R before that? How long does it last (or did it in your experience) or how do you move through it? What helped you?

I am always working on myself, I am pretty damn resilient and have a good life, and happy being alone with my pets when DD is with WH. I don’t think I’m currently depressed, as I have a routine and get outside daily. Have lots of hobbies.
I don’t know about any relationships let alone one with WH and committed R. I still love parts of him (like I don’t feel I want to punish anymore or see him upset), but that love is not as fierce anymore, more compassionate than romantic. He felt like a stranger for so long after D-day. Even smelled different. So weird all of this.

Is it normal at nearly two years out to feel so…meh? Should I know whether I want to R or move on by now or is this just part of the process?

Thanks for reading, I’m not sure how cohesive that post was, but I’m glad I waited to post rather than closer to D-day. Those were messy times.

Welcome here little sister...

It's normal to not really know what you want or how you feel about something like this, once you get out of the immediate pain. Whether you want to R or D is your decision and you don't have to make it until you're ready. The plain of lethal flatness isn't related to R or D, it's more something you'll come across in your own personal healing journey where you just kinda hit the doldrums and don't feel anything. That's also perfectly normal - just think of it as taking an emotional break to rest up.

I'm glad to hear that you're content with where you are right now. How does that future look to you?
How does R look to you and how does divorce look to you, and how does that fit into your future?
You don't have to have the answers right now, but it can be helpful to ask those questions.

What he wants doesn't matter. It sounds like a deal breaker for you..and that's a perfectly healthy response.

Maybe stop having dinner with him once a week. It's nice for your daughter, but it's probably causing you some anxiety,and it's giving him hope. Your daughter will be happy if you are happy.

Hi Mrs.B.

Welcome to Si - or welcome out of lurksville, I should say.

Gently, I think you're feeling ambivalent right now because your actions have been ambivalent (or at least contradictory). You've started the process of divorce but are not separated as far as I can tell and appear to be considering R. I get not making rash decisions right out of the gate when emotions are so high, but at a certain point you need to decide whether you are going to try to shit or get off the pot, so to speak.

There is no time machine. You must know that. Have you accepted it? There is no going back. Do you want a new M with this man or don't you. Are you prepared to go all in with this person? If not, I think your time is probably better spent elsewhere. I can't answer those questions for you and no one else can either. At 2 years out, I can't imagine you're going to have some big epiphany.

I think you'll feel less meh once you make a decision one way or another. Currently you seem to be in limbo.

Welcome to SI.

Once we see our WS for what they are capable of it knocks them off that pedestal we had them on. I would suggest not deciding right now and think about what YOU want. Don't think about what H or DD wants, make this your decision and own it. If you have come this far I would lean towards finalizing the D and having a (healthy) co parenting relationship. I wish you the best.

So... 2020-2021 PA and then 2021-2023 EA all with the same person? Do I have that right? OP, this wasn't just a one-off fling, this was a years-long affair.

You say he's 'done everything right,' but what has he actually done on his own to make sure he never goes down this path again? Did he cut all contact with the OW? Is he in IC/therapy? Has he read any books?

says he will wait as long as it takes for me to heal and want to R

Sorry, I know many will think that this is heartfelt, but it just rubs me the wrong way. I hope he understands that this wasn't just some couple's spat you'll get over in just a few months and then you'll just come back to him like nothing's happened. He introduced a third party into your marriage where it wasn't wanted. What he did literally gave you PTSD and trauma to the point that you had to move so you wouldn't get reminders of the OW just by driving past her house. Does he really grasp the severity of what he did?

And what about you? Do you feel like you could get back together with him again if he did the work? Did IC help you to process all of this for yourself? If it was ultimately a dealbreaker for you, that's valid. But I understand the wishing for a time machine to undo all of it. However, if that existed, we all wouldn't be here now.

Take the time to really figure out what you want. And I do agree that maybe the family dinners should come to a stop for the time being. It may only foster false hope in case you do decide that getting back together isn't what you ultimately want.

[This message edited by Forks027 at 4:29 AM, Wednesday, October 25th]

Once the D goes through you can sit and watch what the STBXH (soon to be X husband) does as far as his proclamation "he will wait blah blah blah".

Doesn’t mean your feelings will change. Or your decisions either.

It’s nice that you have some family time for the sake of your daughter. Nothing wrong with that.

But I think you know yourself best and perhaps this affair was a dealbreaker for you. You can certainly have any type of R w/ the STBXH you wish — does not mean you have to R and live with him or remarry IMO.

I would not make any decisions right now because you are not required to do anything but co-parent at this time. IMO time will tell.

And who really knows what he’s doing /or not doing when you are apart. He could be dating (casually) just hoping you will change your mind.

Like I said you are not obligated to remarry him. Or have any type of relationship w/ him except as a co-parent.

I hope this helps you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:42 AM, Wednesday, October 25th]

MrsB,
I’m right there with ya. I’m at 2-1/2 years out and feel similar. Now I didn’t move out, I was guilty of the pick me dance for the first year which is not how I would have done it knowing what I do now. I always knew I wanted to recover. I felt like we could always get through this. I felt like 80% of our marriage was great and I couldn’t see ending it all for a 20% F up. With all that being said, her putting effort into the recovery was going to be instrumental in it all working out. She has issues of her own where she lacks empathy, but I understand why from her childhood. It’s not an excuse but a reason why I still wait for her to "get it". I completely get your feeling blah about your husband. As others have said, once they are knocked off that pedestal you kind of loose that deep love for them. I have been standing at a fork in the road for several months now, left fork is my heart saying go left and keep trying to make it work, there’s something great in her that just hasn’t percolated to the surface yet, my head says take the right fork, she’s not empathetic, is still selfish and that she won’t really be there for me in my times of need and I should just pull the bandaid off and move on. My head says that if we ever fell into a slightly "distant" emotional state again, she could or would easily fall back into another man again. She say’s absolutely not but she can’t explain why. I know that was a bit drawn out but it’s my way of saying I feel your pain, and I hate what we are going through. I wish I had a definitive answer to give you that assured happiness from this day on, but as BS’s I wonder if that’s even a thing anymore. Hang in there girl, the members here at SI have your back and do care about you.

It sounds like you've handled things beautifully, and in a healthy manner for yourself and your daughter. But your post also reads like you're capitulating to your H's desire to R rather than feeling the desire yourself.

If I were in your shoes, I think I would go through with the D to protect my assets. D doesn't have to mean you've made a decision about whether or not to continue a relationship with your H, it can simply be a business transaction.

And it's okay to not know right now. You don't have to make any decisions for your H's sake. (He certainly didn't consider you when he made his poor choices.) And who cares if he's got himself all hyped up on hopium? You're not leading him on with pretenses. Moving away and filing for D is not playing coy.

Do you enjoy the weekly dinners? I assume that you're mostly doing that for your DD, but do you get anything out of it? Do you look forward to seeing your H? How you feel about seeing him could be a good clue for you about what you really want.

How sure are you that you're not depressed? When someone says, 'I'm not ____,' my spidey senses tingle. I'm not saying you are depressed, just that my reco is to question yourself closely about that messaging with a good IC who's not anti-medication. There are a number of ways to treat depression, and if you are depressed, my reco is to treat it.

OTOH, you don't know what you want, and that alone can create a blah feeling. If that's the case, my reco is to give yourself time to figure yourself out and to give yourself permission to choose D or R or waiting for more clarity - and get help if your decision is to get more clarity before deciding.

You're making decisions that will impact lives for decades. A quick solution for that sort of problem is often impossible.

Thank you to everyone that has replied.

SerJR - How does R look to you and how does divorce look to you, and how does that fit into your future?

Hard questions, and definitely something I will think about. Thank you.

Hellfire - What he wants doesn't matter. It sounds like a deal breaker for you..and that's a perfectly healthy response.

It absolutely was a dealbreaker, no more anything on his terms that didn't suit or serve me, or that had to change mine or DD's routine for. I knew I would move/leave once I found out the whole truth (if we ever really do). I feel like I changed the rules massively this past year. I live back on my patch, back with my friends and family, have more support than ever before, and he has followed me now, rather than me in his 'area' so to speak. I keep seeing reference to a new deal, and I need to work out what this looks like I guess (SerJR's questions to ponder), and if I want that.

emergent8 - 'You've started the process of divorce but are not separated as far as I can tell and appear to be considering R. I get not making rash decisions right out of the gate when emotions are so high, but at a certain point you need to decide whether you are going to try to shit or get off the pot, so to speak.

There is no time machine. You must know that. Have you accepted it? There is no going back'.

Does anyone have a crystal ball in lieu of that time machine? We are separated, and have been for over a year. I have my place and he has his. I guess I feel a pressure about having to shit or get off the pot, when I just want to keep building myself back up more first. Fear probably. I can't see myself with anyone else right now, or introducing someone new to DD. That feels wrong, and picking up again with WH feels wrong too. Maybe properly single is my right for now.

Tanner - Once we see our WS for what they are capable of it knocks them off that pedestal we had them on.

So true. And so sad for everyone here. I am going to finalise the D, I want peace and to not have to jump through legal hoops, IC or reading about sodding infidelity.

Forks027 - I hope he understands that this wasn't just some couple's spat you'll get over in just a few months and then you'll just come back to him like nothing's happened. He introduced a third party into your marriage where it wasn't wanted. What he did literally gave you PTSD and trauma to the point that you had to move so you wouldn't get reminders of the OW just by driving past her house. Does he really grasp the severity of what he did?

This took a long time for him to get. It was like dealing with someone who had undergone a partial lobotomy or something. Once he knew my moving date and we had to rent out the family home (nearly sold now) it was like it all suddenly clicked for him, but took a good 6 months. I will take the time I need, it just sucks that it appears that I am going to take closer to the 5 in the estimated 2-5 yrs healing. Sigh.

The1stWife - I would not make any decisions right now because you are not required to do anything but co-parent at this time. IMO time will tell.

And who really knows what he’s doing /or not doing when you are apart. He could be dating (casually) just hoping you will change your mind.

Like I said you are not obligated to remarry him. Or have any type of relationship w/ him except as a co-parent.

Having him in my life as a healthy co-parent has absolutely been my priority for DD, and it is working well at the moment. I do worry that him changing his 'I'll wait forever' stance may affect that, but as you say - time will tell. I am trying very hard not to be 'testing' this stance, and being genuine in my feelings of wanting some relationship in future (with someone else or him).

Copingmybest - I wish I had a definitive answer to give you that assured happiness from this day on, but as BS’s I wonder if that’s even a thing anymore.

Assured happiness is exactly the missing ingredient. That resonated hard with me today. I have been busy cultivating 'happiness' in other areas of my life, connecting back with friends and making more time for joyful activities, throwing myself into work and getting promoted - but it sometimes feels a little hollow, and a bit lonely I guess. Hence my current nihilistic viewpoint . I am comfortable going to events as a singleton now, and doing all the other tasks that were better as a team. I wonder if it is a thing anymore too - because whether with WH or someone else in future, the mask is off and knowing that anyone is capable of this really takes a shiny layer off of life and love in general.
I'm sorry that you are in the meh stage too. What does the effort on her part look like to you? What specific actions from her would help you lean more to the left fork?

SacredSoul33 - It sounds like you've handled things beautifully, and in a healthy manner for yourself and your daughter. But your post also reads like you're capitulating to your H's desire to R rather than feeling the desire yourself.

If I were in your shoes, I think I would go through with the D to protect my assets. D doesn't have to mean you've made a decision about whether or not to continue a relationship with your H, it can simply be a business transaction.

And it's okay to not know right now. You don't have to make any decisions for your H's sake. (He certainly didn't consider you when he made his poor choices.) And who cares if he's got himself all hyped up on hopium? You're not leading him on with pretenses. Moving away and filing for D is not playing coy.

Do you enjoy the weekly dinners? I assume that you're mostly doing that for your DD, but do you get anything out of it? Do you look forward to seeing your H? How you feel about seeing him could be a good clue for you about what you really want.

Thank you for your post. I will see the D through, as I see my hard earned assets as belonging to DD in future - no one else. I also don't want to move again based on someone else's shitty choices. It was the hardest thing leaving the family home, but I have been renovating an old cottage that needed a lot of TLC (like me!), which now feels like I've lived here forever. I've been thinking about if I actually enjoy the dinners. I enjoy the 'busy-ness' of the house again for that short time, having the help with serving/clear up, and eating with another adult...but then I enjoy closing the door when WH goes back to his place and I can relax in my little safe space. The weekly meals are becoming more relaxed during dinner as the weeks go on, and more routine now. I like the fact we can be in the same space and not feel on edge anymore - feels like a healthier co-parent thing. I hate the thought of DD not feeling like she can share things with both of us, or feel that she has to take a side ever, or have to stick rigidly to a routine each week. I like the thought of an open door/village approach to co-parenting, if it is even possible long term. I hope so for her.

Sisoon - How sure are you that you're not depressed? When someone says, 'I'm not ____,' my spidey senses tingle. I'm not saying you are depressed, just that my reco is to question yourself closely about that messaging with a good IC who's not anti-medication. There are a number of ways to treat depression, and if you are depressed, my reco is to treat it.

OTOH, you don't know what you want, and that alone can create a blah feeling. If that's the case, my reco is to give yourself time to figure yourself out and to give yourself permission to choose D or R or waiting for more clarity - and get help if your decision is to get more clarity before deciding.

You're making decisions that will impact lives for decades. A quick solution for that sort of problem is often impossible.

Thank you for your post. I am a registered HCP, and accessed IC through my work EAP as I felt I needed it. I was definitely low last year, but the resilience kicked in and I fought through it. Now I feel levelled out, but it's generally a lower flatter feeling in general. I am changed; less trusting, more questioning, less tolerant, less people-pleaser, less willing to flex for others, more selfish. Less happy go lucky, but I have a lot more responsibility on my shoulders now. Maybe more IC at this late stage is a good shout, now things have calmed down. Your last sentence about making decisions that impact lives for decades - the fear of getting it wrong is just paralysing.

Thank you again for all your responses, it is so comforting to be able to reach out to all your collective experience and advice. X

Welcome.

Old timer here.

1. I think you are struggling to accept you have been traumatized and victimized. It's ok. It is a trauma it is abuse and it changes who we are.

2. The healing journey, no matter the path you choose, takes at least 2-5 years. And that is in a perfect situation. Give yourself some grace. Its ok to be indecided.

3. You partner hurt you worse than anyone ever should be hurt, by the one person who should be your protector is tough to wrap your brain around. Its even harder when that person says no matter what he will always be there waiting for you. But in the back of your brain you hear the but or if "until he isn't "

Have you seen an attorney? Do you know what D looks like for you? What would his reaction be should you decide to file?

I want to lastly reinforce that for some people infidelity is a deal breaker period. Hard stop. And that is acceptable. It is ok to be that person.

I've been thinking about if I actually enjoy the dinners. I enjoy the 'busy-ness' of the house again for that short time, having the help with serving/clear up, and eating with another adult...but then I enjoy closing the door when WH goes back to his place and I can relax in my little safe space. The weekly meals are becoming more relaxed during dinner as the weeks go on, and more routine now. I like the fact we can be in the same space and not feel on edge anymore - feels like a healthier co-parent thing. I hate the thought of DD not feeling like she can share things with both of us, or feel that she has to take a side ever, or have to stick rigidly to a routine each week. I like the thought of an open door/village approach to co-parenting, if it is even possible long term. I hope so for her.

I find your answer very telling. It's all about coparenting and enjoying the company of "another adult." No mention of an emotional response to seeing him in particular, except for relief that you're no longer on edge in his company and don't really want him (or anyone?) in your space on a regular basis. I think the open door hope is lovely, really, and I hope that your vision for a relaxed and easy coparenting friendship comes to fruition.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 11:49 PM, Wednesday, October 25th]