Thank you to everyone that has replied.
SerJR - How does R look to you and how does divorce look to you, and how does that fit into your future?
Hard questions, and definitely something I will think about. Thank you.
Hellfire - What he wants doesn't matter. It sounds like a deal breaker for you..and that's a perfectly healthy response.
It absolutely was a dealbreaker, no more anything on his terms that didn't suit or serve me, or that had to change mine or DD's routine for. I knew I would move/leave once I found out the whole truth (if we ever really do). I feel like I changed the rules massively this past year. I live back on my patch, back with my friends and family, have more support than ever before, and he has followed me now, rather than me in his 'area' so to speak. I keep seeing reference to a new deal, and I need to work out what this looks like I guess (SerJR's questions to ponder), and if I want that.
emergent8 - 'You've started the process of divorce but are not separated as far as I can tell and appear to be considering R. I get not making rash decisions right out of the gate when emotions are so high, but at a certain point you need to decide whether you are going to try to shit or get off the pot, so to speak.There is no time machine. You must know that. Have you accepted it? There is no going back'.
Does anyone have a crystal ball in lieu of that time machine?
We are separated, and have been for over a year. I have my place and he has his. I guess I feel a pressure about having to shit or get off the pot, when I just want to keep building myself back up more first. Fear probably. I can't see myself with anyone else right now, or introducing someone new to DD. That feels wrong, and picking up again with WH feels wrong too. Maybe properly single is my right for now.
Tanner - Once we see our WS for what they are capable of it knocks them off that pedestal we had them on.
So true. And so sad for everyone here. I am going to finalise the D, I want peace and to not have to jump through legal hoops, IC or reading about sodding infidelity.
Forks027 - I hope he understands that this wasn't just some couple's spat you'll get over in just a few months and then you'll just come back to him like nothing's happened. He introduced a third party into your marriage where it wasn't wanted. What he did literally gave you PTSD and trauma to the point that you had to move so you wouldn't get reminders of the OW just by driving past her house. Does he really grasp the severity of what he did?
This took a long time for him to get. It was like dealing with someone who had undergone a partial lobotomy or something. Once he knew my moving date and we had to rent out the family home (nearly sold now) it was like it all suddenly clicked for him, but took a good 6 months. I will take the time I need, it just sucks that it appears that I am going to take closer to the 5 in the estimated 2-5 yrs healing. Sigh.
The1stWife - I would not make any decisions right now because you are not required to do anything but co-parent at this time. IMO time will tell.And who really knows what he’s doing /or not doing when you are apart. He could be dating (casually) just hoping you will change your mind.
Like I said you are not obligated to remarry him. Or have any type of relationship w/ him except as a co-parent.
Having him in my life as a healthy co-parent has absolutely been my priority for DD, and it is working well at the moment. I do worry that him changing his 'I'll wait forever' stance may affect that, but as you say - time will tell. I am trying very hard not to be 'testing' this stance, and being genuine in my feelings of wanting some relationship in future (with someone else or him).
Copingmybest - I wish I had a definitive answer to give you that assured happiness from this day on, but as BS’s I wonder if that’s even a thing anymore.
Assured happiness is exactly the missing ingredient. That resonated hard with me today. I have been busy cultivating 'happiness' in other areas of my life, connecting back with friends and making more time for joyful activities, throwing myself into work and getting promoted - but it sometimes feels a little hollow, and a bit lonely I guess. Hence my current nihilistic viewpoint
. I am comfortable going to events as a singleton now, and doing all the other tasks that were better as a team. I wonder if it is a thing anymore too - because whether with WH or someone else in future, the mask is off and knowing that anyone is capable of this really takes a shiny layer off of life and love in general.
I'm sorry that you are in the meh stage too. What does the effort on her part look like to you? What specific actions from her would help you lean more to the left fork?
SacredSoul33 - It sounds like you've handled things beautifully, and in a healthy manner for yourself and your daughter. But your post also reads like you're capitulating to your H's desire to R rather than feeling the desire yourself.If I were in your shoes, I think I would go through with the D to protect my assets. D doesn't have to mean you've made a decision about whether or not to continue a relationship with your H, it can simply be a business transaction.
And it's okay to not know right now. You don't have to make any decisions for your H's sake. (He certainly didn't consider you when he made his poor choices.) And who cares if he's got himself all hyped up on hopium? You're not leading him on with pretenses. Moving away and filing for D is not playing coy.
Do you enjoy the weekly dinners? I assume that you're mostly doing that for your DD, but do you get anything out of it? Do you look forward to seeing your H? How you feel about seeing him could be a good clue for you about what you really want.
Thank you for your post. I will see the D through, as I see my hard earned assets as belonging to DD in future - no one else. I also don't want to move again based on someone else's shitty choices. It was the hardest thing leaving the family home, but I have been renovating an old cottage that needed a lot of TLC (like me!), which now feels like I've lived here forever. I've been thinking about if I actually enjoy the dinners. I enjoy the 'busy-ness' of the house again for that short time, having the help with serving/clear up, and eating with another adult...but then I enjoy closing the door when WH goes back to his place and I can relax in my little safe space. The weekly meals are becoming more relaxed during dinner as the weeks go on, and more routine now. I like the fact we can be in the same space and not feel on edge anymore - feels like a healthier co-parent thing. I hate the thought of DD not feeling like she can share things with both of us, or feel that she has to take a side ever, or have to stick rigidly to a routine each week. I like the thought of an open door/village approach to co-parenting, if it is even possible long term. I hope so for her.
Sisoon - How sure are you that you're not depressed? When someone says, 'I'm not ____,' my spidey senses tingle. I'm not saying you are depressed, just that my reco is to question yourself closely about that messaging with a good IC who's not anti-medication. There are a number of ways to treat depression, and if you are depressed, my reco is to treat it.OTOH, you don't know what you want, and that alone can create a blah feeling. If that's the case, my reco is to give yourself time to figure yourself out and to give yourself permission to choose D or R or waiting for more clarity - and get help if your decision is to get more clarity before deciding.
You're making decisions that will impact lives for decades. A quick solution for that sort of problem is often impossible.
Thank you for your post. I am a registered HCP, and accessed IC through my work EAP as I felt I needed it. I was definitely low last year, but the resilience kicked in and I fought through it. Now I feel levelled out, but it's generally a lower flatter feeling in general. I am changed; less trusting, more questioning, less tolerant, less people-pleaser, less willing to flex for others, more selfish. Less happy go lucky, but I have a lot more responsibility on my shoulders now. Maybe more IC at this late stage is a good shout, now things have calmed down. Your last sentence about making decisions that impact lives for decades - the fear of getting it wrong is just paralysing.
Thank you again for all your responses, it is so comforting to be able to reach out to all your collective experience and advice. X