First post lurking here since Summer 22

Good evening all,

This is my first post, but I’ve been lurking since Summer 2022 and read everything.

Background:
I overheard my husband of 4 years talking to someone on the phone when I was asleep in Jan 2022. Totally blindsided as we had a great relationships, best friends, always laughing, always doing stuff. Turns out he had a PA from June 2020-Jan 2021 (4 ‘occasions’), then EA since then to d-day. Very horrible and traumatising. PTSD, the works for me. Anxiety and depression followed. Some weak attempt at MC which I stopped and did 6 months of IC.

Long story shorter, I moved away in summer 2022 to be near family and friends, settled DD into a new school. I couldn’t stay in that area and drive past OW’s house. Work from home so kept the same job. WH visited every other week and now has moved here to be closer to us. We co-parent well. DD is happy and thriving. We have dinner altogether once a week.
WH desperately wants to reconcile and I guess has done everything ‘right’ eventually after a few months of TT and foggy behaviour. He’s always wanted to reconcile.

The problem is that I just feel flat and quite nihilistic in general. I haven’t committed to R, in fact I started D because I brought more assets to M than he did, and want to fiercely protect that now to feel secure. D should be finalised before Xmas.
WH has agreed to everything I’ve requested (nothing unreasonable, I keep everything civil as possible now to co-parent) and says he will wait as long as it takes for me to heal and want to R, and the D is just a piece paper. I’m not sure I believe him fully. Infidelity robs you of the naive Disney ending somewhat. I don’t believe in our M anymore. I would rather be someone’s partner than get M again.

I guess my problem is that I don’t know what I want. Or I still want the Time Machine. I’ve put walls up, I know that. It’s hard to let them down again with WH. I don’t know how to do it authentically. (Also have major issues with a narc mother). Surely walls shouldn’t be forced down?

Is this the POLF I have seen people refer to? Or do you need to be committed to R before that? How long does it last (or did it in your experience) or how do you move through it? What helped you?

I am always working on myself, I am pretty damn resilient and have a good life, and happy being alone with my pets when DD is with WH. I don’t think I’m currently depressed, as I have a routine and get outside daily. Have lots of hobbies.
I don’t know about any relationships let alone one with WH and committed R. I still love parts of him (like I don’t feel I want to punish anymore or see him upset), but that love is not as fierce anymore, more compassionate than romantic. He felt like a stranger for so long after D-day. Even smelled different. So weird all of this.

Is it normal at nearly two years out to feel so…meh? Should I know whether I want to R or move on by now or is this just part of the process?

Thanks for reading, I’m not sure how cohesive that post was, but I’m glad I waited to post rather than closer to D-day. Those were messy times.

12 comments posted: Wednesday, October 25th, 2023