SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Here I am 6 1/2 years after DDay. My wife's affair was long ago but I found out years later. If I had found out about it when it happened, I am sure that I would have divorced her. I feel that the time between the affair and me finding out was all lies. Every photograph and every memory are now tainted. Anyway, I am pretty much over all of the pain and triggers. I still have frequent reminders and I think about it daily, but nothing stings anymore. I can drive by a motel where they went, and I am not bothered anymore. I used to be paralyzed!
I never bring up the affair and neither does she. She does not like talking about it, so I quit asking.

We get along great together. We are close and do pretty much everything together. The only issue is sex. I have NO interest. NONE. I do not want to touch or be touched in that way. Sex scenes in movies bother me. They really bother me. I contacted the other man when I found out and I sort of harassed him you could say. He once said to me " could your wife cum? Oh, you wouldn't know" I asked my wife about what he said to me, and her response was that I was harassing him is why he said that. She did not deny she gave him that information, as a matter fact she admitted that she told him that. To have your wife's lover tell you that you are no good in bed is a real ego killer.

Nothing in my life turned out like I thought or hoped it would. My children! That's a whole another story. Let's just say they didn't turn out like I had hoped. I had a retail business most of my life. Most of my customers were liars and thieves. My employees were mostly liars and thieves also. My only safe haven was home, and that was shit also, even though I did not know it.

So now I will not have sex because I am not going to disappoint her ever again, and she will never have sex with me while thinking about someone else. Also, she will never compare me to someone else again. For me sex with my wife was a "Special Privilege". Now it is neither. I do love her. If she gets sick, I will wipe her butt and take care of her. I will gladly give my life to protect her and to provide for her. Sex is off the table for me. Will it ever come back?

[This message edited by Devastated0ne at 4:23 PM, Monday, October 23rd]

Sex is difficult. I will not deny that there are sex acts that I no longer perform due to my WH's A. After reading messages between them that it was easy to pretend I was the OW during a BJ, those were never offered again. Literally, his loss.

As far as will sex ever come back for you -- that's something you need to look into -- what would it take for you to feel comfortable having sex with your wife again? Do you want to have a sexual relationship at some point? How does that relationship look to you?

Personally, I would work on what I needed to have moving forward, then figure out if that is possible in your relationship and talk with your wife, and see what her thoughts and opinions are. If y'all are going to do it together, you'll have to figure it out and reclaim it together.

If you want to return to being sexual, you're either going to have to figure out things with your wife - assuming that you want to remain monogamous, open up your marriage, or get divorced.

I get the inclination to shut things down completely when they're tied to pain, but if what we shut down causes us to miss out on something that we want/need, that's obviously not the best course of action. Assuming that you do want to stay with your W, would you rather never have sex again, or would you like to figure out how your sexual relationship with her can be resurrected better than ever?

I am also a little more than 6 years post d-day 1 and the sex thing is still problematic for me too.

I found that talking with my IC about this was helpful - partially because I was concerned that I was no longer interested in sex at all - not just with him. The reality is, I'm not really any more - and I could care less. I don't miss it and I'm better at "taking care" of me anyway - and I'm faster at it, and I can do it when I want, etc - and I realize that my version of sex now sounds like a drive thru dinner or home delivery for one or whatever - and I will admit it kind of is. That is why I started to talk to my IC about it. First, to figure out if I even wanted to figure it out or if I'm happy this way. Second, to figure out how to make it better IF I decide I even care about that.

So, I guess my question for you would be: IF your WS were to pass away tomorrow or be abducted by aliens and you knew she was never going to return - or whatever - leaving you alone, do you think you would like to try again with someone else at sometime in the future ? ( And I know this kind of question is so hypothetical it is hard to answer). Do you think you would want sex to be part of that new future with someone else?

***My IC said this was an important question to ask as it took the baggage from my WH out of the equation - we were not talking about sex with him - we were talking about sex in general. My answer was, yes, in that I would like to try again and have someone to pass the time with, but honestly in regards to sex, I don't care about the sex anymore (and again, if I'm honest, from a purely physical pleasure perspective, I am "better at it" for me than anyone I've ever been with and I haven't exactly been a nun) - BUT if it was important to my new partner I would want to be more "into" it for them and for our relationship so working on bringing back the pleasure to sex was theoretically a desire for me.

Which then left me with if I wanted to work on that to be with my WH, as we do have sex on very rare occasions now, in our post-A relationship. My answer has been a maybe. I know my WH would like to do it more (at least I think so - he's not pushy) - and I know there have been times where once we start I do get into it, but I'd say that's about 30% of the time. The rest of it seems to me like more of something I do for him/for "us" to the extent we are trying to R, which is debatable. But I do know that if I decided I wanted to really give R the whole try, I would need to resolve the whole sex thing for us to have the whole relationship I would want.

So.....

It's complicated. What do you want? Do you want the sex to return in your life in any way is really the first question. If you don't then you don't have much to do. If you do, do you want that with your WS (even if you can't fathom that now)?

That was the issue in my M as well, but xWS was not remorseful and was a habitual cheater. I feel my issue is that once I am disrespected by a partner my sex drive goes as well and I begin to become repulsed by that person. It happened in my dating relationship before my M and also in my M. I'm not sure if it was my body protecting me from getting hurt.

There are many members here in R with a really great WS who puts in the work who have been able to regain the sexual intimacy again.

I thought when I first separated and left my xWS that I would never want sex with another person again. I took 2 years to regain my sense of self and slowly I started to become attracted and having sexual attraction to others, that is when I dipped my toe in the dating pool. I am now with my current boyfriend of 2 years and the sex is amazing. So it is possible to get it back (maybe not with a wayward partner).

Also the book "Cheating in a Nutshell" goes over the repulsion aspect after infidelity and it is a natural response. I just don't think it bodes well for M if you are in R.

Everyone is different. Still, it sounds like you are rugsweeping and rationalizing.

It's fine if you really and truly don't care about sex and intimacy but I believe most men do. Is it true you don't care or are you really missing it but do not want to give in due to how much she hurt you?

You say you get along great but at the same time you tell us of this highly personal insult that it appears she participated in. I am not sure if I understood this part completely but it sounds like she admitted she insulted you to the posom and it appears like she never apologized and never tried to make it right? If so, how can you be getting along great with someone who did that and doesn't seem to care?

Are these things accurate? If they are, stop the rugsweeping and work to address them. Or leave her and find someone new. Life is too short to settle and it will come back to bite you if you do.

I totally get where you are coming from. Although I can’t say things relationship wise ever returned to where it was pre affair, it progressed better than the sex. We were compatible, bonded about the kids, took vacations, and she doted over me almost to the point of being a stepford wife, there was still nothing she could do to get rid of the movies that played in my head.

Our sex life, at least for me, was great. We had fun, experimented, and she loved nothing more than to dress up in lingerie and lighting candles to set the mood. With him, they were both on a deadline so it was rushed and rough. The roughness turned into humiliation of her as the affair progressed. More about that in my profile. Unfortunately for me, I demanded and got all the details. They were worse than I ever could have imagined with her doing things with him that I thought were off the table as I thought they were uncomfortable for her and actually painful. Not so with him. He demanded and got everything under the sun. Think of really rough porn.

She offered it all to me, and even said it would be fun to explore those things together. I wanted not part of it. Felt like sloppy seconds. So the candles and lingerie went out the window as did most of the foreplay which prior was extensive and for me fulfilling. She got from me what she got from him. Rough and quick, but pretty vanilla.

As I said, one of the issues was I got all the details. Did you get the same? How did she justify talking about you not fulfilling her? Did she deny she said that? Has she now bent over backwards to boost you back up? Do you talk about this? By not having sex, you are both rugsweeping the affair, and in the end I’m afraid that this may seep into the heathy part of your relationship now.

She needs to address what she was thinking and should be providing a way back for you to come together sexually. Eventually this will come to a head and bottling up your frustration, or ignoring it will fester and at some point blow up the progress you have made. Just know you aren’t alone.

Thanks to everyone that responded!
I did not rug sweep. I talked about it 8 hours a day, 7 days a week for two years without letting up. I went to therapy twice a week for a year then once a week for three more years. At first we had hysterical bonding sex. It was like a dog peeing on a tree to mark it. Something primal. I did it but it wasn't the type of sex that I like. I told my therapist that I stopped having sex and she said it will come back. I brought it up about once a month and she always said it takes a while, but it will come back. I stopped therapy after going four years. I still go once every six months for my medicine. The last time I was there I told her that we are still not having sex. She said after going without it you get to where you don't miss it. That is where I am. I don't miss it. I told her that I could have been a priest. She said I would have been an excellent priest. My wife has initiated sex but I shut it down.
I think about sex often wondering if my wife wants / needs it. I feel obligated to have sex for her. I have not, but I would like to tell her she is welcome to go get it somewhere else. I think about sex for myself, and I have no interest in it. I do not masturbate; I don't want that either.
I know that I am not good at sex. I didn't have much experience. My wife had only been with me until the affair. My wife will answer any question that I ask. This subject makes her very uncomfortable, so I don't ask anymore. I know everything anyway.
She has apologized many times and says that she wished it never happened and if she could go back, she would not do it. That is the correct thing to say. However, I truly feel that she is sorry for hurting me, but not sorry for what she did. As Esther Perel says, "what it did to you, and what it did for me".

Appart of not being fine with sex,you seem to practice a lot of negative self talk.

It seems it is pretty much up to you if you will ever have sex, with whom and under what conditions. What do YOU want for YOURSELF? If you want to face your deamons and reclaim yourself and your life, think what it means to you, how to get there and DO IT.

[This message edited by Potentialforevil at 1:22 PM, Tuesday, October 24th]

I am glad to learn you did not rugsweep the affair! How did she explain her hurtful comments about your sexlife to the AP?

I hear you can live without it but you also said you think about sex often and if your wife needs it. Would a sex therapist be something you would consider?

I have no great advice to offer except to say I commiserate. The main thing my husband did with his AP was kiss and I just really hate kissing now. I hate seeing kissing on any show or movie as well. It is very hard to imagine this feeling ever going away. My therapist recommended kissing more to get over it. Thus far that has not helped.

I also hear you about the fear she is thinking of the AP, although it seems unlikely. But of course there is always some minimal chance it could be the case. It sounds like you dont even want to take a one in a million chance. I imagine it is much harder as a guy. As a woman you can flit back and forth between being interested and being distracted or pissed off or whatever and your partner isn’t really going to know.

Sometimes I have seen it recommended that you just focus on stuff like back rubs or whatever, with a guarantee that you are not going to have sex. I guess this would help preserve your physical intimacy and closeness—plus release Oxytocin! It doesn’t sound like you are game for much of that. Maybe you are just mad deep down but are protecting your spouse by not letting out your anger on her. Maybe you need to share some of that anger to help dissipate it? I hope you found some way out of this limbo, it sounds hard.

[This message edited by Stillconfused2022 at 2:24 PM, Tuesday, October 24th]

How did she explain her hurtful comments about your sexlife to the AP?

I was calling the guy and going to his home to talk to him about old times I could never find him and he would not return my calls or text. I found out that he had a court date for a driving infraction. I showed up and made a scene. Before his second court date, I text him saying I would not be able to make it court but I will be thinking about him. He responded "Can Sue cum? Ohh you wouldn't know."
I was angry and asked my wife why he said that to me. She said that I was harassing him (which I was) and he responded. I asked why he said that. What did she say to give him that ammunition against me? She tried smoothing it over. She said that she told him that it takes her a long time to orgasm. That was all that she said pretty much. All I know is they had a conversation that put me in a negative light. She also told me that she never had a orgasm with him but she faked it a lot. I think she said some things to him in confidentiality that he was to never repeat. Just goes to show even more what a low life he is.