SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It’s been 6 years since the rug has been pulled from under my feet and my life turned upside down in a matter of minutes. The memory of the day itself still brings me goosebumps.

If you would have told me 6 years ago that I’d be where I am now, still married, I would have been confused. Because I was THAT woman, the one that would NEVER stay with a cheater. My view on cheating was pretty black a white: people only cheated when their marriage sucked (lol) and I was convinced that I was able to prevent it by being the perfect spouse who compromised a bunch (lol again).

One thing I did definitely know though: I knew that cheating was never a marriage or a betrayed spouse issue because divorce is legal and we live in a different society than the 1800s therefore I never took any responsibility of his cheating (and WH did not try to claim it was my fault).

So with that in mind dday floored me. I was convinced that my marriage was good (regular sex, ILYs, constant communication) and my WH actually believed that too. He didn’t serve me the ILYBNILWY script but, in true modern fashion, he loved us both.

Initially, once I decided we should try and mend things, I thought R was a simple process. He would apologise, I would accept it and we would move on. We all know how wrong I was.

After a second dday 4 months later and my acceptance that WH didn’t appear able to understand what it takes, he finally decided to take his head out of his backside and "win me back". Just as I checked out pretty much and started focusing on myself. 6 years later and we’re still married, happily may I add.

We’ve done hours of IC and later on MC, hours of talking about the A, endless crying sessions, dealing with ptsd, panic attacks, emotional flooding and the list can go on and on.

Here we are today: I almost forgot it was dday anniversary and only noticed it when someone mentioned the date in a meeting and it felt familiar.

We are happy. The A isn’t the centrepiece of our marriage anymore. I’ve built a nice career that enables me, should I need to, to fully support myself if I decide to divorce at any point. We openly communicate and have a much more authentic relationship than we ever had. We both have hobbies, common and individual.

I trust him as much as I would trust any man following the trauma of an affair. He is still my best friend and we laugh through life even when we want to cry because we’ve been through so much in the last 6 years (including losing my brother, WH was my biggest support), there is very little that can bring us down day to day.

Overall I have grown immensely and I realised that the way I have trusted and relied on WH prior to this was never healthy in any relationship, affair or no affair. Pedestals should not exist in marriages and I definitely demolished the one he was on.

If I would be to give one piece of advice that helped me post dday is this: for me, reconciliation post A was all about "what’s in it for me". I felt like I was giving up a major moral principle, not ever remaining married to a cheater, therefore I needed to understand how it would benefit me. I wasn’t willing to just forgive and forget, I needed to know what I was forgiving and see a better man emerging and a better marriage.

So if you are at the beginning of a R process maybe ask yourself, taking the emotion out of it for a second, what’s in it for you?

If like me, you can only remain married post dday if it becomes better than before (it was the only way I could come to terms with it) then identify what that means. Where are the required changes, what would you expect your spouse to do in order to achieve that? What do YOU need to do to achieve that?

6 years later we are in a much more balanced marriage. This wasn’t a power struggle. But it definitely was an opportunity to balance the power (previously sitting with WH) and ensure our partnership is more equal.

I could write about it forever but I’ll stop here. I hope everyone finds their healing path and their peace.

Thank you for sharing this. I’m pretty fresh from D-day but had similar preconceived ideas about myself. I would send someone packing IMMEDIATELY for cheating, yet here I am. If anyone in my real life knew, they’d be stunned that this happened. They’d be stunned WH did it (as was I) and even more surprised that I let him stay even a minute after learning about it.
I really do appreciate the perspectives of those much further ahead than me. I know you said you could go on, If you’re interested in sharing more I’d certainly read it.

Luna,

Thank you for this update. It is very encouraging.

I’m six years out from the first DDay, but only a couple of years out from unraveling the truth as best I can find it, so my timeline is pretty wiggly and my recovery is a slow messy one. I really liked your post, thank you so much for sharing your journey and your expectations. There is so much you wrote that I could have written verbatim, and there are many parallels in the lives we thought we had, the boundaries we thought were etched in stone, the shock that we could stay with a betrayer, the way we tried to be perfect to keep them happy for so many years, only to learn it didn’t work anyway. And all that post Discovery emotional flooding and flailing…on both our parts. We left ourselves in tatters and are still learning how to mend, not rend.

Thank you for the vision of a path forward that you didn’t have to hack out of the jungle, but instead focus where you were, on yourself. I’m happy for you, and I hope someday I can share a happy story to give others some hope too. I’m barely able to process how much time has slipped by while I’ve been consumed with all of this. I’m really tired of it taking center stage. I’m hoping work with a new IC can help me find the peace I’m after.

Best to you and I will be revisiting this post often for inspiration and encouragement.

Luna, I wish you had written forever, I absolutely loved reading this post. If it matters at all, I look at someone like you and feel a lot of admiration. It's something amazing you've done, and you sound like you have reaped the benefits x

Thanks for the update and wise advice Luna. I remember your journey as I joined SI almost six years ago. You displayed real courage and intestinal fortitude in your journey. Your WH’s AP would not go away and caused you a great deal of pain. Admire your strength. Great to see where you are now.

Luna10
Thank you for the update. Your story is inspiring and encouraging. I wish you all the best and please continue give us updates.

Thanks for the update.

I'm very glad to read that your life is going the way you want it to go, and I agree with your advice.

Thank you for your kind words all.

I know you said you could go on, If you’re interested in sharing more I’d certainly read it.

When I was writing this post I was thinking at how "together" I sound. And how, on this forum, a lot of the times there is a level of righteousness where there’s only one way to do things post Dday, (and to be fair some things are universally true no matter how unique our stories are) which often pushes BSes into a corner and they find themselves compelled to defend their WS or constantly justify themselves.

No matter how together I sound now, it took me close to 3 years to find some sort of normal in my life. I did a lot of wrong things according to this forum (and some where indeed wrong, part of the universal truths of these situations) but I did it according to my instincts and they served me well at times.

I was a total mess for 2-3 years, I made a series of bad decisions to start with (WH worked with ow for 2 and a half years post dday and she used that to constantly tantalise me), I did the pick me dance prior to discovering the A when I noticed something was wrong, I initially thought I could reason with WH and if I gave him an exact "reconciliation plan" he’ll follow it and everything would be ok.

The truth, in some cases, is that whilst WSes have the power and believe themselves to be the prize whilst also knowing you’re not going anywhere, they have no incentive to get their head out of their backside. WH, in the first 4 months, was more concerned about how heartbroken ow was that the A finished, than he as about his wife losing 30lbs in a month, fainting, shaking, having constant high heart rate notifications, panic attacks and fits of crying. When he finally woke up ("coincidentally" just as I lost all interest in investing the our marriage and started preparing for divorce) he was himself shocked at the level of disinterest he displayed towards me. He realised he wasn’t the prize and in fact the prize was sitting right in front of him and he was losing it.

I’m writing all this to clarify that whilst there may be, and there are, users on this forum that did everything right immediately after dday, they are rare and most of us have been doing all those things that later on we ask new BSes not to do.

Your WH’s AP would not go away and caused you a great deal of pain.

Those days were a nightmare, she used to torture me knowing fully well what she was doing and I was at the time finding it impossible to stay away from it. At one point it felt like she was always a step ahead of us in finding info to keep screwing with me, checking my WH’s work diary and pretending he went with him to certain appointments (posting about it on FB), going to places she knew we would go, desperate to remain relevant in our lives. My WH’s line manager was amazing in his support knowing everything and making sure we’re ok in our recovery.

The truth is that she has still not disappeared as far as I can gather, but she just faded into irrelevance. She continued her stalking crazy behaviour until I have lost interest once she got sacked from the company she worked with WH a couple of months before the pandemic.

It became apparent she has returned to the same place of work as WH at the beginning of this year at which point she unblocked me on LinkedIn and viewed my profile to ensure I go back to hers and see where she works (back with WH, same company, different department, no reason to ever interact).

This time the effect was the opposite of what she desired, I just felt pity for a person who wanted to return to the life she had 5 years prior, to a company where people know what she’s done (there’s been an HR investigation and their managers knew about the A and her crazy behaviour post dday).

Since dday my career took off, I’m in a senior role for a high level organisation. She returned on the same level role, no progression/promotion, and wanted to get straight back to the same dynamic from 4-5 years ago (hence the LinkedIn unblock). I even discovered a LinkedIn account in her son’s name at some point (he was about 12 then) that she was obviously using to check up on me. She is blocked on all my socials (and now on LinkedIn too since her unblocking me) and I genuinely feel sorry for how empty her life must be if she wanted to return to that sort of "relationship" with me. I have no interest in her, I don’t care one bit that she’s back in the same company and we actually forget she’s there 99% of time. We’ve grown so much individually and as a couple, that returning to who we were 6 years ago, or even 3 years ago, would be a nightmare.

The only time it comes to mind that she works there is when I realise she knows our every move due to my WH’s out of office, I find that slightly annoying but that will change in due course too if our plans come to fruition.

I look at someone like you and feel a lot of admiration. It's something amazing you've done

Thank you. If I can do it, everyone can do it. I’ve been through moments when I thought that’s it, my life is over. I remember walking into my IC’s office once sobbing so badly…. She later told me she considered calling an ambulance for me to get me into a hospital. I was 38kg (84lbs) and could not see a way forward. So if I was able to come out of there, everyone can, reconciled or divorced. The goal is to come out of infidelity and become the best version of yourself as cliche as that sounds.

Sisoon- thank you as always, and thanks everyone on this forum who offered their support back then.

I’m barely able to process how much time has slipped by while I’ve been consumed with all of this. I’m really tired of it taking center stage. I’m hoping work with a new IC can help me find the peace I’m after

I remember feeling this way… it was constant exhaustion and a burning desire to make a decision and stopped being consumed by it.

I’d say set a deadline. Draw a line in the sand. I was 38 when dday happened. By the time I fell into despair and realised this isn’t going to be fixed overnight (reconciliation or divorce) and that it requires a lot of work on myself and a lot of growth, I was 39. At that point I told myself "if by 45 I’m still in limbo and I am not happy with the life I have, I will 100% divorce".

That didn’t mean I couldn’t divorce prior to that if I reached the conclusion that was my path. It meant that I could stop constantly feeling the pressure whilst I was in two minds and WH was putting in the effort. It meant that I knew there is a line in the sand when, if I’m still unhappy and in turmoil, I will definitely act on it. I knew I will not spend my entire life check his every move, his phone and so on. That’s not to say I wouldn’t check if I felt something is wrong. I just didn’t want to turn our relationship into a cat and mouse game where I’m always in turmoil riddled with ptsd effects.

A...M...A...Z...I...N...G POST !!! You have grown so MUCH since you have been on here...despite the adultery co-conspirator's attempts to keep you down. She NEVER could muster up as much character as you have in your pinky finger Dear Lady !!

You FOUGHT...and WON...but it wasn't EVER a contest between you and the adultery co-conspirator. You fought for YOU...and what a WIN that was!!

You know what would be another WIN?? If your thread would get posted to the Positive Reconciliation Stories thread at the top of this Forum . All you have to do is copy and paste your post into that thread !!

Now I have to go back and erase any remarks about the adultery co-conspirator that may not fit into this Forum !!

I truly appreciate your authenticity. I don’t think you come across as righteous at all. What I’m learning is that this shit is hard, no matter what. R or D, EA or PA, short affair or LTA, it’s all traumatic and harder than one could ever imagine. What I love about this place is that those, like yourself, who walked this treacherous path ahead give their perspective. When the numbness wore off and I was at the lowest I’d ever been, I just wanted someone to tell me that I’d feel better in x amount of days, weeks, months. Reading the stories here helped me to see that there is light ahead. That I can be happy again whether we R or D. That I will feel like myself again. So again, thank you for sharing. I can’t describe how much reading here helped me during those dark times.

Thanks for sharing, the path to healing has to be traveled regardless if you R or D, there are no shortcuts.

Pedestals should not exist in marriages

Very well said. I couldn’t agree more. I am so glad to read that you are doing well and recovered. It’s a pity that it takes betrayal to make ourselves our priority and focus on our best interests. Nevertheless that’s what I am doing going forward. I may not and never be where you are but knowing that it is possible is good enough.

Luna thank you so much for your thoughtful post. Not for the first time your experiences have felt very much a mirror of my own.

I too echo the experience of complete devastation, emotional collapse, extreme weight loss and a stalking AP.

My dday was only a couple of months ahead of yours. I’m not sure I’m as recovered as you are. I am still triggered. Sometimes I still get angry about WH’s selfishness, disrespect and disregard of me.

That said, I wouldn’t be here if I was in limbo. I acknowledge and appreciate that my WH has recognized and understands his reprehensible behavior. He/we have done extensive IC and some MC. Both of us recognize how useful the IC was and how it was essential for us both to move forward towards a more authentic marriage with genuine acceptance.

I’m happy and also don’t regret my decision to stay but there will always be some scars. However even those scars are lessening.

Thank you again for sharing.

I should add that the reason I think I’m not as far along in recovery as you as my WH had 3 APs. First was an EA and in hindsight I think while I was extremely traumatized we rug swept it and did not do the intense work/ self examination required.

Second dday in 2017 revealed two APs and a long distance 4.5 affair which started 18 months after the first one.

I think I was more broken by the fact that he could do that after he saw the devastation he wrought the first time. However in the aftermath of discovery and my complete breakdown did it finally penetrate his mind that he was broken. He was the issue and he was the one that caused this collapse of our life. We too had three years of hell. You can’t sugarcoat how bad it was.

I only mention to show that it is possible to reconcile from the worst betrayals but in my opinion only with an enormous amount of work, counseling and unfortunately time.

An amazing update Luna10. Thank you for sharing the real and raw of it all. You made me smile today.

Ditto this.

Luna thank you so much for your thoughtful post. Not for the first time your experiences have felt very much a mirror of my own.

I hit the 6 year mark on 10/1 of this year. And I too forgot the date until I was writing out a timeline of my experience for someone on here. What's more remarkable (for me) is that d-day 1 and d-day 2 fell on the same day for me - precisely 1 year after I discovered the A, I found out that the A never stopped and I had 1 year of false R - yet, yet, yet, I FORGOT about that day this year - 10/1 came and went like any other day. I would have never ever believed that would happen.

Since you and I are on the same timeline (your d-day was 9/27/17 and mine is 10/1/17) I think we recall the same posters when we first joined, but I know you are were braver than I as you signed up relatively quickly and I lurked and read but didn't formally register for almost a year. I recall commiserating with you back in those early days...and seeing posts like yours today by other posters then and thinking to myself that it seemed impossible to get "there" - to get where you/we are today.

Impossible that 6 years has passed. Impossible that I feel the way I do. Nice to know it can actually happen - and it did - to us! :)

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 8:38 PM, Monday, October 9th]

What's more remarkable (for me) is that d-day 1 and d-day 2 fell on the same day for me - precisely 1 year after I discovered the A

Same here but 4 months apart, 4 months later, on dday anniversary, WH sat me down and told me that on dday 1 he felt too responsible of Ow’s pain and couldn’t stop being her friend. I think those days in themselves gave me ptsd, the pain was eviscerating.

When I posted this thread I did so because I see an idea is forming on some threads where R(ing) means sucking it up, a life of pain and misery, a sentence meant to be carried until the end.

There are quite a few people I know that Reconciled and are happy. None of them have lied or are lying to themselves, none of them have bendy morals where cheating is somehow acceptable, but they do have one thing in common: they all held their WS accountable and only accepted to remain in a marriage that is better than ever before whatever that means for them.

As an aside I have watched Beckham on Netflix over the last few days (not sure how famous he is in US, top British football/soccer player) and the way him and his wife touched on his affair was very familiar. You can clearly see he had to change his life, change his priorities in life in order to keep his family. By the end you can see they’re happy, you can see they reconciled and their marriage is strong, equal and successful.

It is definitely possible and it doesn’t require any mental gymnastics, any self deceit, in fact quite the opposite.

Thank you all who commented on my thread, it’s good to see old users and I’m glad my experience is relatable.

[This message edited by Luna10 at 9:42 AM, Tuesday, October 10th]

THANK YOU for posting this in the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread !!

I hope Sincity...who posted before you on that thread...gets to read your post. It is so UPLIFTING!!