I’m asking myself the same question. I think that it is pointing to acceptance and forgiveness…..and I don’t yet have the tools to process all of that. I forgave him. Mine was a double betrayal and I run into OW a LOT….and she has yet to show me she’s genuinely sorry. I have come to terms that she’s made me the villain of her story. I stole her chance at happiness. I keep googling how to let go of something when the other party isn’t actually sorry.
I forgave him long ago…because he did a metric ton of work to be a safe partner. He’s a different guy. He’s done the work to make amends and repair. Though in the throes of a trigger - namely me running into OW because I choose not to hide and she chooses not to either…..that is something I reconsider. It would/will have been so much easier for me to have left. Though, I’m grateful that I’ve not. He’s a much better partner. Do I mourn the loss of what I thought I had? I had a beautiful fairytale. Married in a castle. It wasn’t extravagant, but it was a beautiful fairytale. I miss what I thought I had. And, also….If I need to leave tomorrow, it would be hard, but I’d be ok. You would be too.
I know this is going to come down to, for me, letting go of "her"…..my former "friend". But, that part is giving me a lot of angst right now. A lot of angst. I see her way too often. I have committed to "let’s politely ignore one another"….but she’s not. She’s laughed, blocked my path, and generally been an enormous bitch. Yet, when I’m in OW’s presence, I’m just trying to breathe. Just trying to keep it together. I’m pretty sure she’s seeking interaction - but she’s insignificant now in our marriage. I’m pretty she that she is so low in self esteem that she needs to feel significant or powerful somewhere. My head is on a swivel….I’m totally seeing the tiger in the room….and she doesn’t get that or respect that she might be the cause of that.
The OW was also 15 years younger than I. And, a friend of our family. We two families vacationed together.
I feel a little validated that I’ve seen her from afar go through two more relationships where she basically manipulated men in exchange for what she thought was money. One was 20 (she’s 40) and she’s onto another who just lost a job and found something much less…..and I’m pretty sure that won’t last. (And I hate that…1. The community is SO small that this is pretty obvious…and 2. I’m still in a place where I check far too often. She’s a high earner and I’m sure she’s drawn to men who she perceive might just take care of her. Elicit the KISA gene in all the guys out there. I know I have some big things to process to get away from this here. It won’t go away. I have to accept that it was a choice he made…not to diminish my pain….but he was also in a painful place.
And yet, further, my BFF….is just like her. Though she’s evolved with age and wisdom and watching me go through this sh(t. And, she is alone approaching 70. I like the guy I’m with right now. He’s SO much more attentive, supportive, and emotionally present than he ever was in the marriage 1.0.
I think the roller coaster will end when we decide to choose something better. Be it a D if that is what is required….or some distance, which me and FWH are planning for because I’m not up for running into a non-repentant OW on the daily. I’m still trying to figure out what is the answer myself……but, what do you need? What makes you feel safer? I
I’m in a place where I trigger and everything gets highjacked….which makes me lose sight of what he’s really done. And, MY FWH has. Not saying that yours has….but I feel like mine has.
I’m so sorry you’re here. And I wish you so much peace.