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Reconciliation :
Will the roller coaster end?

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Cry421 (original poster new member #83867) posted at 7:55 PM on Friday, September 15th, 2023

I discovered my husband of 29 years was having an affair with a woman less than half my age. She even befriended my children and that’s how she manipulated her way to be constantly at our house. So the affair was going on in front of my face for 7 years, with no end in sight, before I finally figured it out.
That was over 4 years ago. I am still with my husband. Our marriage seems better and stronger than it ever has. He says he is dedicating the rest of his life to making me happy. But I am still riding the roller coaster of emotional ups and downs. The ups of I can’t imagine my marriage being any better than what we have right now and even looking forward to the future together I’m so glad I stayed, to the downs of why would I stay with a man who treated me this way, who had so little respect for me and our marriage?
My question to those of you that stayed with your spouse and saved the relationship, does the roller coaster ever stop? Will I ever get to a point where I am totally comfortable with my decision to stay? Will the voice in my head saying I’m glad I stayed ever drown out the voice telling me I should have left?
I realize I may never fully trust him again, but I want to believe him when he says she is out of his life completely and he’s in this marriage for the long haul.

posts: 3   ·   registered: Sep. 13th, 2023   ·   location: Columbia, Illinois
id 8808107
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Copingmybest ( member #78962) posted at 8:04 PM on Friday, September 15th, 2023

I wish I had an answer for you, but I’m here with you asking the same question. I’m not as far out as you but the highs are very nice, and the lows still feel very soul crushing to me. I pray that one day it levels out, I can only wait my wife out that she improves or I leave. I’m on the fence for this, have been for a while. I hope your ride pulls into the station soon so you can get off that damn coaster. Fingers crossed that we all do sooner than later.

posts: 219   ·   registered: Jun. 16th, 2021   ·   location: Midwest
id 8808109
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 8:40 PM on Friday, September 15th, 2023

Mine ended when I saw him doing the work to become a safe partner. When he went to IC and figured out why he cheated. It ended as he became transparent. When he answered my questions. When he stopped being defensive. When he brought up the affair, so I didn't have to,etc,etc. What work has your husband don't on himself? Being more loving, and present around the house is nice,but it's not the work he should be doing.

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6667   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8808113
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SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 8:54 PM on Friday, September 15th, 2023

I think because our society tells us that cheating is a dealbreaker, we have that in our minds niggling at us even when the evidence in front of us is that our partner is now trustworthy and our marriage is happy.

I'll second HellFire's question: What has he done to prove himself a safe partner? There are several people on SI who say that their marriage was happy and their spouse was wonderful to them... and then they found out that they were cheating.

Do you know for sure that the affair partner is totally out of the picture?

Life is about fucking things up, and then unfucking the things you fucked up. That's what makes you less of a fuck-up. Not lying about it. ~ from Loudermilk S1:E1

posts: 1267   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2023
id 8808115
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MintChocChip ( member #83762) posted at 9:07 PM on Friday, September 15th, 2023

Your post is such a haunting reminder that even if everything is done by the book, and ends up better, that something is also always taken from you. I want to say how much empathy I feel for how awful it must have been to have this happen after 29 years of marriage and for it to go on for so long. I can't imagine the strength and grace you must have been capable of.

I hope that the feeling you are having fades. You deserve for it to fade.

People are imperfect and do terrible things and make terrible mistakes and often an entire phase of their life is consumed with that terrible judgement. This is a really awful part of life that you can't escape. I am so sorry carrying that was forced into you in such a brutal way.

I just hope for peace for you

D Day: September 2020Currently separated

posts: 273   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8808116
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Ladybugmaam ( member #69881) posted at 10:10 PM on Friday, September 15th, 2023

I’m asking myself the same question. I think that it is pointing to acceptance and forgiveness…..and I don’t yet have the tools to process all of that. I forgave him. Mine was a double betrayal and I run into OW a LOT….and she has yet to show me she’s genuinely sorry. I have come to terms that she’s made me the villain of her story. I stole her chance at happiness. I keep googling how to let go of something when the other party isn’t actually sorry.

I forgave him long ago…because he did a metric ton of work to be a safe partner. He’s a different guy. He’s done the work to make amends and repair. Though in the throes of a trigger - namely me running into OW because I choose not to hide and she chooses not to either…..that is something I reconsider. It would/will have been so much easier for me to have left. Though, I’m grateful that I’ve not. He’s a much better partner. Do I mourn the loss of what I thought I had? I had a beautiful fairytale. Married in a castle. It wasn’t extravagant, but it was a beautiful fairytale. I miss what I thought I had. And, also….If I need to leave tomorrow, it would be hard, but I’d be ok. You would be too.

I know this is going to come down to, for me, letting go of "her"…..my former "friend". But, that part is giving me a lot of angst right now. A lot of angst. I see her way too often. I have committed to "let’s politely ignore one another"….but she’s not. She’s laughed, blocked my path, and generally been an enormous bitch. Yet, when I’m in OW’s presence, I’m just trying to breathe. Just trying to keep it together. I’m pretty sure she’s seeking interaction - but she’s insignificant now in our marriage. I’m pretty she that she is so low in self esteem that she needs to feel significant or powerful somewhere. My head is on a swivel….I’m totally seeing the tiger in the room….and she doesn’t get that or respect that she might be the cause of that.

The OW was also 15 years younger than I. And, a friend of our family. We two families vacationed together.

I feel a little validated that I’ve seen her from afar go through two more relationships where she basically manipulated men in exchange for what she thought was money. One was 20 (she’s 40) and she’s onto another who just lost a job and found something much less…..and I’m pretty sure that won’t last. (And I hate that…1. The community is SO small that this is pretty obvious…and 2. I’m still in a place where I check far too often. She’s a high earner and I’m sure she’s drawn to men who she perceive might just take care of her. Elicit the KISA gene in all the guys out there. I know I have some big things to process to get away from this here. It won’t go away. I have to accept that it was a choice he made…not to diminish my pain….but he was also in a painful place.

And yet, further, my BFF….is just like her. Though she’s evolved with age and wisdom and watching me go through this sh(t. And, she is alone approaching 70. I like the guy I’m with right now. He’s SO much more attentive, supportive, and emotionally present than he ever was in the marriage 1.0.

I think the roller coaster will end when we decide to choose something better. Be it a D if that is what is required….or some distance, which me and FWH are planning for because I’m not up for running into a non-repentant OW on the daily. I’m still trying to figure out what is the answer myself……but, what do you need? What makes you feel safer? I
I’m in a place where I trigger and everything gets highjacked….which makes me lose sight of what he’s really done. And, MY FWH has. Not saying that yours has….but I feel like mine has.
I’m so sorry you’re here. And I wish you so much peace.

EA DD 11/2018
PA DD 2/25/19
One teen son
I am a phoenix.

posts: 469   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2019
id 8808128
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 5:36 PM on Saturday, September 16th, 2023

The wild ride that keeps spiraling out of control will end when you pump the breaks and exit the ride.

That being said, it will take you a while to get your sea legs under control. Be patient with yourself. That will take a lot of time. And the flashbacks are a bitch. But remember - you are now in the driver's seat of your future. The path to get there is also fraught with some uphill climbs and twists and turns, and some scary unknown destinations. It can feel like yet another roller coaster from Hell. But this time - you are in the driver's seat. You can go as fast and as slow as you want. And take as many brakes as you need along the way.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades - Children (1 still at home) Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBS 2018 Cease & Desist sent spring 2021"Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3792   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8808182
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 10:35 PM on Saturday, September 16th, 2023

The roller coast was fast and furious for a year, then slowed down and probably stopped around 2 years out, when I realized R would succeed for us.

But my W's betrayal was 4.5 months. Your H's was 19 times as long, according to my calculator. That has to extend your healing timeline.

I'm assuming that your H is a good partner now. If he isn't, I'd ask: do you want to stay? Are you on the roller coaster because your gut is telling you to leave?

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 29891   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8808227
Topic is Sleeping.
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