SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am struggling.

I am filled with worry and fear.

I am rudderless.

I need to have at least an idea of what choices to make and what to do next.

At this point, my husband’s health is fairly uneventful, in a good way. He is building up some strength. Is pushing up and down the road…going to church. OTOH a really bad infection could take his life quickly. I’m afraid. OTOH, because of his strength, he could live far longer. OTOH sometimes he tells me he is so tired and sometimes hurts so bad, he wishes he would just die.

I am so fearful about my boys. I am sick with fear that my son will be hurt in prison. I’m afraid my middle son might hurt himself, or just continue drinking himself to death.

I worry about my grandchildren. The world is so crazy right now. I am beside myself with fear that my kids or my grandkids could be homeless or worse.

We are facing having to let our insurance policies go. Then there will be nothing for our kids when we’re gone.

I don’t mean to imply that my situation is worse than anyone else’s. It’s just that I am not managing my concern and response to what life throws at me very well.

There’s no money for counseling.

My H is not emotionally available for emotional support.

I have a need to be prepared for things. But I can’t see any answers.

What do y’all do when you feel like you are drowning?

I am abusing "The Serenity Prayer" these days. 😏

Sending big (((hugs))). I can't imagine some of the things you're going through. I've really been struggling this year with grief. I'm no stranger to grief after our youngest son died 13 years ago. But we had so much loss in the past 1.5yrs in addition to our older teen moving 16 hours away, and it caught up with me. It was suffocating and started affecting how I interacted with my husband. I HAD to do therapy. I now see 2 therapists, 1 I was referred to by my GP, and I get 16 free sessions with that therapist. We don't really have the extra $ for counseling, but I decided I couldn't afford NOT to do it. I've been able to dump it on my therapists rather than my DH. Thank God for our HSA which is probably about to run out.
Have you checked into any resources that are possibly available in your community? Some sort of support group maybe?

I'm so sorry you've got so much on your plate right now.

Can you check with your pastor to find out if there are free resources offered by the church, members who might be dealing with a multitude of issues that meet regularly for support?

Hi WR — sorry it feels like it has all piled up. I agree with the others on seeking free resources - it can really help.
And I think the serenity prayer is there to be your mantra. You CAN’T help your boys— they are adults and have to manage through the consequences of their actions. As hard as that is. And you grandkids— well yes the world is messed up, but have faith that the kids of today will make their world better. You give them unconditional love and that is a treasure for them. And it is enough.

Speaking of the serenity prayer, what about looking into Co-Dependents Anonymous? It's free. Their website says, "There is only one requirement to join: a desire for healthy and loving relationships."

Thanks y’all.

I have tried Al-Anon before, but it was very strange and uncomfortable to me. All that happened in the few meetings that I went to was that the leader said a few words, then two or three people read passages from the book, someone gave some advice about a random situation that possibly people might be going through. No one shared personal situations, no one offered input, it was just wildly weird.

I have a tendency to overshare, as some of you might have noticed through the years! ☺️

But I have to admit that a lot of sharing with you all is because you don’t know me. I can’t bear the thought of sharing stuff that should be private about my family, sharing painful truths about my lack of patience, or my weaknesses, or things that would be hurtful to my family IRL.

I have thought about perhaps seeing if I could speak with my pastor or someone at church, and just share with them the general nature of my struggles rather than specifics. Maybe I can just tell them that I’m fearful, or hurt, etc, without going into detail about why. My dread is that I might get a handful of Bible verses thrown at me… And although this is where my strength should come from, I’m just not down with it right now.

I would simply prefer answers. Much more than comfort. But I know that nobody can give me those answers. 💩

Mindfulness.

Breathing exercises.

Detaching from what I cannot control by admitting that it has nothing to do with me.

Trying to get out of my own head and stop worrying about things that are out of my control.

Doing something nice and peaceful for myself (bath, walk, cheesy movie, good book, rest).

Self-care. Self-love. Self-forgiveness.

It helps. My adult boys also have a lot of issues and disabilities. I have to keep myself in check and remind myself that my family is better when I am good to myself. And then I give myself the time, energy, and grace that I need.

Be good to you, WhatsRight. Appreciate what you have done in your life rather than dwelling on what you cannot do. You have done a lot. You are a good person. Put the worry down for another day. You and your family will simply face whatever comes in the best way you possibly can, and it will be enough. It will be ok.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 9:55 PM, Saturday, September 16th]

Thank you all for the support. I’ll get through this.

Owning…

Thank you for that.

It made me weep just to hear someone say "It will be ok." (Do you think I might be missing my dad a bit? He was always the one telling me that.)

I do have some distractions and I feel like I do look out for myself on occasion.

But, again, thank you. I will be rereading your post frequently.

Maybe try an online zoom alanon meeting.
Each leader and group are different.
You are strong in your faith too so yes I would lean into that and see if there is any counseling available that way.
I would also encourage some form of light cardio for 20 min 3-5 times a week. It gets those happy hormones pumping and gives you the opportunity to clear your brain.

I went to Alanon for a few years and when I first started attending, I didn't understand the concept either.

In the beginning my sponsor would have me read from one of the several books Alanon has to offer, word for word and slowly. And to think about what I was reading. She didn't tell me why she wanted me to do it this way, and it surely wasn't making any sense to me, I actually questioned the point of Alanon. But as the saying goes, it works if you work it, so I stuck it out and I'm glad I did because the program was a life saver for me.

Another time after my late husband had downed one of those bigger bottles of Rum, he became drunk, angry and erratic and then he took off in the car.

I called my sponsor after he left because I was spinning out of control, crying hysterically and feeling pure panic. I was terrified over his driving drunk and causing harm to himself or to someone else. My sponsor was able to talk me down, slow my thoughts down and helped me to get a hold of myself and calm my emotions.

I didn't think that she was going to be able to help me but she did. She kept telling me that my late husband was in charge of his own actions and there was nothing that I could do about it. And to put it in God's hands. She kept repeating this to me because I felt so scared and helpless. But hearing her tell me these things helped me to understand that I didn't have any control over my husband's behavior or actions.

The idea of Alanon is to help us to slow our obsessive thinking down and to learn to put the focus back onto ourselves instead of trying to fix or change the other person and their addictions. Alanon is a program to help and guide us to change our own thought processes, not the addicts. This is done through the readings and discussing different topics out of the Alanon books, having a sponsor to be accountable to and also to guide us as we work our way through the twelve steps. The sponsor should also be available to you if you need to discuss more personal topics, or you could also reach out to others before or after the meetings.

I am now having to come to acceptance that my son (and his wife) are alcoholics. And although I wish I could do something to wake them up, and before they ruin their lives, there is nothing I can do about it except to let it go and hand it over to my higher power which is God.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 8:24 AM, Tuesday, September 19th]

I’m so very sorry to hear about your son and his wife. Currently, my middle son is actively drinking. A couple of months ago. He had a true meltdown and went back to see the lady who had prescribed his mental health meds previously. He’s been on them for about five weeks now And seems to be a little better. He doesn’t like me at all, so I just have to try so hard to keep our communication in a direction that does not set him off.

I am very sorry about whatever you are going through (don’t know the whole story) but a
Couple of thoughts
- my health insurance has short and longer term counseling at no copay

-if you are a BS I was able do get services from SA and Domestic violence programs at no financial cost to me.

Again I don’t know your story but there may also be support groups such as for some I know about for caregivers, families of people who are incarcerated, and our local library has a peer support led one for mental health.

I know for me the I was very devastating. I can only imagine how difficult things could be if it was couple with other things too.

Certain faith communities also have services related to mental health and Family Services and Community Mental health centers can have sliding fee scales as do some private programs.

Sending ((virtual hugs))