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Just Found Out :
My Wife Doesn't Know, I Know She Is Cheating.

Topic is Sleeping.
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 ShameIHaveNoFriends (original poster new member #83790) posted at 10:53 PM on Saturday, September 9th, 2023

My wife is 37, I'm 34, and my daughters are 18 and 16.

I found out around 6 months ago that my WW has been having an affair for the last 2 and a half years with my best friend. I think it started to get physical around 2 years ago. EA for the first 6 months or more Maybe even more; I don't know.

I will be divorcing her. I'm moving out once everything I need is done, which is soon.

There is a reason I have not confronted my WW yet.

I hate cheating; I go way over the top. It can get really bad. If you knew me, you would think I was crazy. The way I talk about it doesn't matter if someone is talking about it, if I see it on TV, or if I know people who have been through it (like my best friend).

I've now realised that the way I have spoken or acted about cheating has affected my daughters so much, especially my oldest. I have been seeing a therapist for just over 5 months. She has helped with a lot of things I have bottled up since I was a child. I see a lot of changes in me, and I just hope my daughters do too.

I can't type out my whole childhood; there is far too much, but I could tell you some, and hopefully it's enough to show the reasons I hate cheating so much.

So why do I hate cheating so much?

Because my mom cheated on my dad with his brother for a very long time and he caught her multiple times and kept taking her back every time she said it was over, I have five siblings; any of us could be his brother's children.

My dad lost his whole family through my mom's affair, and my mom's family too; they all lied to him about my mom cheating; they all knew she was. He had enough, but it took him years to decide this and just cut them off completely, and he just got to the point he didn't care. If my mom cheated, even to this day, he doesn't even know if they have stopped seeing each other, and she has never told him the truth, not once.

It was heartbreaking watching him cry all the time, but I was a child. How could I help him? I look back, and I wish I could've helped somehow. It is one of my biggest regrets. I have cut my mom out of my life since I left home at 16. I only talk to my dad and my siblings. We are a very close family now compared to when we were kids, and I think it has a lot to do with losing our brother to suicide. (Not affair-related, we don't think.)


Some things my dad's mom and sister would do:

They would bring over notes (this is well before my house had a house phone) for my mom from my dad's brother, like times to meet and other things, so they wouldn't get caught. At the time, my dad thought they were coming over to see his kids. My dad found out later the real reason, and this is when he found out they were all lying to him and cut them all off.


Some things my mom would do:

My mam would leave me and my siblings (even before I had 5 siblings, so I was very young when she left us when it first started) at home while my dad worked all day, and she would go see his brother and then come back before my dad finished work. This went on for years. I wish I had told my dad this when it was happening, but my mom would threaten us if we ever told my dad anything.

Our house was getting fixed by the council, so we had to move out temporarily to a new house until our house was fixed. During this time, my mom and my dad's brother would say they would go to our house to decorate. During this time, my dad never knew they were cheating. It would be awhile before he caught them.

My dad started to work night shifts at work. To this day, I still don't know how my mom convinced him to put locks on our bedroom doors so she could lock us in at night so we couldn't go down stairs. When she had my dad's brother over to our house, we could hear the things they were doing.

These are some of the things I'm going to write out, but there are a lot more I can remember. Hopefully, this is enough for you to understand why I hate cheating so much, and, like, I could be writing for days if I wrote down everything that happened in my childhood.


Let's start with me and my WW. I was 16. She was 18. We knew each other since we were young. We weren't dating yet, though, more like FWB. I was only seeing her at this time, and nobody else.
I never knew if she was seeing anyone else. I never asked her, and it wouldn't have bothered me if I knew she was seeing other people because we weren't exclusive. We did start dating when she found out she was pregnant. I asked her if she wanted to be together, and she said yes.

I found out six months ago that she was seeing someone else when we were 16 and 18 because my oldest daughter is not my child.

We have been together for 18 years and married for 14 years. She is a SAHM.

I have worked since I was 16 to provide for my family. I have worked from home for years now. Which made me spend a lot more time with my children. I have my own business, and it does well. I have 20+ people working for me now, including my best friend, with whom my WW is having an affair.

Here are a few things about my daughters, while I have definitely affected both of my children.

My oldest is just like me when it comes to cheating. She hates it. Sometimes I think she hates cheating more than I do. My youngest is not the same as my oldest when it comes to cheating, but I know what I've said will affect her too.

Now I would say I've been a great dad to my children, but not when I've had conversations about cheating. I regret this so much. I wish I could go back and never mention it. I wouldn't always bring it up, but as they got older, they would ask why I didn't talk to my mom, and I wouldn't sugarcoat it. I would tell them the truth. After awhile, my oldest daughter refused to see her Nana and wouldn't go to my dad's house if my mom was there.

The past 5 months or so, I have been in therapy to help me with my issues. I'm hoping my daughters will agree to therapy too once I have spoken to them.

My daughter is mine. I don't care if we don't share the same DNA. But if you knew me, you would think this was a lie.

I have said some horrible things about raising an affair baby, like that I would disown them without a second thought and never look back. I could stop loving them without any regrets. I would never raise another man's child, and many, many more. The worst thing about this is that I've said these things right in front of my children multiple times. (More on this later.) I can't take back what I have said, but I do know that I don't think that way, i love my daughter nothing will change that, and I can't believe the stuff I have said.
My children will need therapy because of me for many years, probably.

I think what I have done to my children is far worse than what their mother has done to us.

I love both my children; nothing has changed. I love them the same as I always have. I just hope my oldest will believe me when I tell her the truth. I might have destroyed my relationship with her for the things I said.
When it comes to their mother, they can decide if they want a relationship with her. I will not tell them to cut her off. That will be their choice if they want to.
I would love for them to have a relationship with their mother once we have divorced. I don't want them to end up like me and never talk to their mom again, like I don't with mine.

Now things about my best friend.

His ex-wife was cheating on him about 3 years ago, and me, my WW, and my children were there for him when he was going through a divorce.
He found out his daughter was not his, and she left with her mother, and the daughter refused to talk to him. This destroyed him. He loved her. Also, this is where I said a lot of things about his daughter and his ex-wife.

Do I wish I could go back and not say these things? Yes, 100%, but I can't.

My daughter would hear the things I said to him and sometimes join in. My daughter was his daughter's best friend; they would do everything together until all this happened. She cut her friend off and hasn't spoken to her for nearly 3 years. This is 100% on me. I made my daughter this way. I hate myself so much. Hopefully, she will forgive me one day.

My best friend works for me, so I gave him some time off from work. During this time, my WW and daughter would go around to check on him to make sure he was OK and take him food to make sure he was eating. I didn't go around much since I had to do his work while he was off.

This is when my WW started to get closer to him, and after a while, it would only be my WW going around to check on him.

I have a lot of evidence of their affair. When it started, the things they said to each other, nude pictures, and videos were not easy to read,look or watch. I have stopped checking them now, though there is no point. I know she cheated, and she knows my past about how I feel about cheating, so she knows she will get divorced.

I don't know who the dad is; I don't think it is my best friend since I never knew him at that time me and my WW got together, but my WW could've since we live close to each other. But if he is the dad, that means they've cheated closer to 18 years, or they could've stopped and started again. I don't know.

The main reason I haven't confronted my WW for so long is that I needed to show my daughters I loved them, and whatever their mom did, it wouldn't change how I feel about them, especially my oldest since I will need to tell her she is not mine (I won't phrase it this way when I speak to her). I just needed to show them I have known about their mom's affair for months and for them to see I've not changed when it comes to them, especially my oldest. She will take this really hard, and she will believe I do not love her, which is all my fault because i do love her.

I hope this way I can show them I love them, and nothing will change how I feel about them. The last 6 months, we've been spending a lot of time together; we do dad and daughter days together, and I also do days with them both together. I do hope this is enough to show them that nothing has changed.
This is something I've always done since they were young, but I have done it more times a week for the last 6 months.

I will talk to my oldest daughter tomorrow when she comes home, and my WW is going on holiday with her friends, but I know that is a lie, and she is going with my best friend. Once she is gone, and I've told both my daughters, I will move all my stuff out and I will be gone before my WW gets back. I will text her that I'm leaving and tell her the divorce papers are in the house for her.

I've read a lot of posts on here, and I don't want revenge on my WW or best friend. I think leaving them and going without contact is best for everybody.
I've got every reason to destroy their lives, but I don't think it will make me feel better, and I will not be firing him. I don't even talk to him regarding work, and I won't ever have to see him. I've had someone in charge for a while now. I only get involved with our oldest customers.

I will be moving 2 hours away from where I live now, and I will be asking my daughters if they want to come with me. I don't think my WW will try to get custody; my kids are 16 and 18. I will make sure to see them a lot if they decide not to come. I will not be kicking my WW out of my house. She can stay in my house until she has a new place to move into, then maybe I will sell it. My WW will maybe get spousal maintenance; I need to speak to my solicitor about it; it's up to the courts to decide how much she'll get. Once I leave, she'll need to find a solicitor to talk to mine.

Like I said, I have read a lot of posts on this site. I know my WW and Best friend will keep messaging me to try to explain why they did what they did, but not once have I read on this site that people get the answers they are looking for. It's just excuses. I don't need closure; I have been checked out now for about 3 months. I haven't really spoken about my WW affair much in this post, but I don't really care anymore. I only care about my daughters; nothing else matters. So that's why I will also be changing my phone number. Once I have left for my new house.

Maybe my post seems like I have it all thought out, but that couldn't be farther from the truth. I might be a new member, but I have read this site for 6 months now, and if I wrote this out 6 months ago, I would be doing the same as most new people do here and not listening to the advice they're getting from the amazing people here who've gone through the same shit we are. It doesn't matter if it is advice for divorce or to reconcile.

I would like to thank those people who commented on people's posts I've read and gave them great advice, even though you weren't talking directly to me at the time you could've been.

I think when we first find out, we are in denial and won't let ourselves believe our partners could do this to us, even with evidence in front of our eyes, and for some reason, we think our partners are different from other cheaters.

I've read so much on this site that cheaters are so much more alike than we know. It's scary. Even though all affairs are not the same, a cheater is a cheater, and somehow they manage to say exactly the same things.


This could backfire, though. I'm really scared. I have so many questions that I don't have answers to.

What if I've been pushing away from my daughters?

What if I've been treating my oldest differently without even realising it?

What if I've been showing more affection to my oldest? Will this make my youngest feel like I love my oldest more than her?

What if my youngest wants to live with her mom? Will my oldest cut her sister off?
(I would not stop my youngest if she wanted to live with her mom.)

What if my oldest doesn't love me any more since I'm not her dad?

What if they blame me because I'm divorcing their mother?

What if they don't want to stay with me?

What if they hate me?

What if they never forgive me for the way I raised them about cheating?

posts: 10   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2023
id 8807146
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ChamomileTea ( Moderator #53574) posted at 1:41 AM on Sunday, September 10th, 2023

I can't take back what I have said, but I do know that I don't think that way, i love my daughter nothing will change that, and I can't believe the stuff I have said.

I'm so sorry for everything you're dealing with. You really do seem to have a good head on your shoulders though. You've done your research and thought things through. All I can think to say is to remind you that we really don't know what our reaction to things will be until they happen. For example, I'm in R for the past eight years, and no one was more surprised by that than me. I would have sworn that a physical affair on my spouse's part would be the end, that I'd have divorced and been done. We just don't know for sure until the circumstances are actually in front of us.

I think in your position that your best bet might be to stress with your daughters that our imagination can very often fall short of reality, that when we are faced with the things we fear most, we might bluster out whatever nonsense makes us feel more powerful in the moment, but when confronted with the actual event, our priorities burst forth with great alacrity, out-stripping our fear and our temper, and that all you're thinking of now is how much you love your kids and how badly you want to keep them in your life.

You've done a great job here sharing your feelings about what you said in front of your girls. Have faith that when the chips are down, you can be just as open with them.

Strength to you. smile

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 40 years; in R with fWH for 8

posts: 7061   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8807156
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fareast ( Moderator #61555) posted at 2:45 AM on Sunday, September 10th, 2023

So very sorry for all you are going thru. My only advice is to take care of you. Do get IC for the trauma. Be there for your children by your actions. Your oldest is about to have a double trauma: finding out about her birth father, and the man she considered her father leaving the home. Be aware of her trauma and show by your actions that you are not abandoning either child, and you love them. They will need reassurance. Take care of you.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:46 AM, Sunday, September 10th]

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3898   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8807160
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 3:07 AM on Sunday, September 10th, 2023

Because of the times that you have talked about biological children versus surprise children then you need to be very clear to your daughters that you were very young and very immature and that you’ve learned a valuable lesson. Love is love and you feel love for both of them, and it will never change. You need to make sure they understand that you have only recently grown-up enough to realize that you love them period. Keep saying it.

I had a sorority sister who went home for Thanksgiving and needed info so she went thru her parents’ papers and found out she was adopted. She stayed drunk for a year. Finally got some therapy, got over the resentment and let go of it all. This kind of surprise is going to impact them both. I would set up therapy with a trusted person and present the info there. It might help that the therapist knows ahead of time to be prepared. Be sure this ic does not have agendas but is only there to help them process the news.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 4275   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8807162
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 5:52 AM on Sunday, September 10th, 2023

Welcome to SI and so sorry you had to find us. I understand your reasoning for moving straight to D. Infidelity is so painful.

We say that when you know you're done, you're done. It definitely sounds like you're done.

Please take care of yourself during this time. Emotions can be all over the place, which we call the emotional rollercoaster. Take time to grieve and heal.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3575   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8807169
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Jajaynumb ( member #83674) posted at 9:11 AM on Sunday, September 10th, 2023

Mate you’re doing amazingly well keeping everything together. You’ve been through this nightmare twice because your mum betrayed you and your siblings when she had an affair. I went through the same thing with my mum too. Unfortunately I couldn’t keep it together emotionally after my wife’s betrayal. I totally lost my shit and it has turned into a train wreck. Your plan sounds excellent I wish I could have done it like that but I just couldn’t. I wish you the best as escape from this shitty situation.

https://library.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/661294/worse-than-hell-yes-its-all-true/

posts: 174   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2023   ·   location: Europe
id 8807177
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 ShameIHaveNoFriends (original poster new member #83790) posted at 12:07 PM on Sunday, September 10th, 2023

ChamomileTea0

Thank you. I tried to write what you've written so many times in my first post, but I couldn't find the words. You've written it so well. You're right; I don't know what my reaction to things will be until they happen. This is why I think I was moving two hours away to run and hide from it. Instead of confronting my WW face-to-face, I'm sure it's because I'm scared. I don't know what her reaction will be. Will she be remorseful? Will she want to stay together?

I never wrote much about my WW in my main post because every time I tried, it would always be nasty or hurtful things I would write out, and it just sounded like I was venting. I do not wish to hate my WW, but I do, and the weird thing is that I still love her very much. Even though she has hurt me in a way I never thought was possible,


I never thought I would even consider R when I caught my WW cheating, but I surprised myself thinking about it daily, so I'm not against R, but when I think about it, I have too many questions and not enough answers.

Then I think about divorce. I find myself thinking it's just much simpler and easier to do.


What I do know for certain is that WW will never be able to feel the pain and hurt she has caused me, and I don't know if she would be able to help me heal. Two people betrayed me, whom I loved very much.


Thank you for writing so much about how I should handle talking to my daughters. It has made me think more about how I should approach them better when I speak to them.


I can write out how I feel, but sharing my feelings with others is what I struggle with the most. My therapist is helping me. I don't show negative emotions. When it comes to anger, sadness, hate, and others, I can feel them, but my actions don't show it. I never cry when I'm sad, and I never act aggressively if I'm angry. My therapist believes it's because I raised my siblings at a young age; she said I was like a parent to my siblings, and I never had a chance to act out my emotions because I had to be strong for them since I was the oldest, and I believed showing these emotions would make them see me as weak, so I never did it. They all thank me to this day for what I did. I think maybe this is the reason I haven't shared with them what I'm going through, because I think they will see me as weak.

fareast

I want to thank you. Your post has made me rethink a lot of things. You're right, I need to show through my actions, and I never considered how it would affect my daughters leaving their home or how it would be double trauma for my oldest.


I thought I had it all under control until I read your message. It just proves I'm still a mess. I have re-read my post, and it's made me realise I've been selfish. I need to think about what I'm asking my daughters to do. I'm asking them to leave their home, where they have grown up, their friends, and their family, and move two hours away with me. That's not fair on them. Maybe subconsciously, I'm doing it to hurt their mother. I should've mentioned this in the post: My best friend lives on the same street, like five doors down. I don't think moving two hours away will help.

Cooley2here 

Everybody who has commented is saying things I never even thought of. I honestly thought I had everything planned out perfectly, but with each new comment I read, I know this plan I made is not perfect. I think I was fooling myself, thinking it was. I've done so much research, and it's still not enough. Thank you so much for this. You have made me see things much more clearly. I never even considered asking my daughters to see a therapist with me to tell them. Why did I not think of this? Is it because I'm trying to punish their mother in some way? Most days, I can't concentrate enough; there are too many thoughts going through my head; I can't sleep; and I don't eat much.


I will ask my therapist if she will be able to see us. I was scared of how they would react if I never broke down in tears when I told them. Hopefully, my therapist will be able to explain it a lot better to them than I could.


leafields 

Thank you.

You'd be correct. When I posted this, I was 100% set on divorce. But you're also correct that it's an emotional rollercoaster. Sometimes I do think about R. I wish it didn't; it would be so much easier.

Jajaynumb

Thank you for this. I've read your post, and I'm sorry you're going through the same thing.

Like ChamomileTea has said, we really don't know what our reaction to things will be until they happen.


I'm still set on divorce. It might take a bit more time. I can see from the comments that I'm going the wrong way with handling my daughters. Thank you to all who commented. For some reason, I see I might have taken the advice directly from the other posts, which at the time made sense to me. I can now see that your advice makes a lot more sense since you have read my post and are directly talking to me. Thank you

posts: 10   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2023
id 8807181
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Stillconfused2022 ( member #82457) posted at 1:43 PM on Sunday, September 10th, 2023

SIHNF:

Your post is so moving. It is written in such a seemingly calm and measured voice. If you had said these words out loud I wonder how it would have sounded. In psychiatry, we call a monotone voice without emotional inflection « flat affect ». Sometimes folks have flat affect because they are on the spectrum, other times it is because they are in shock from trauma. I don’t know whether you are in shock but I imagine most people would be after what you have gone through.

I was also primed from my childhood to fear infidelity. My father and grandfather had serious affairs with coworkers that led to them leaving their wives (my grandmother, then my mother). My father eventually came back. I forgave him for 30 years and then when my husband had his affair it all came back. I am essentially estranged from my father now.

If I had one wish for my life it would have been for my children to never experience what I had during my childhood. I would imagine that seeing your daughters go through your deepest trauma (a different version to be sure, but with key features the same) is absolutely horrifying to you. I am so sorry. You have endured the deepest pain - forcing yourself to reexperience your trauma and bear witness to your wife’s cheating with your best friend without lifting a finger to stop them - only to try to prove to your daughters that this news does not change your feelings for them. It is the most selfless thing imaginable. It is a testament to your deep love for them, but I don’t know that they will (or should?) even understand the level of sacrifice.

I have no great advice. The comments of others seem on point. I just want to caution you to consider one thing. You were forced to be « perfect » (or at least what you thought was perfect) when you were a child. Forced to not act with emotion so that you could be there for your younger siblings. Keep in mind that your children will also go through hardship in their lives. They are about to go through great hardship. You want to be emotionally stable to support them. But, you are also a role model. If you don’t break down will they believe that it is not okay to break down? Remember it is okay to show them your humanity. Then they can give themselves permission to break down. You can also change your mind or be indecisive about your marriage or anything else. Then they will know it is okay to change their mind and be indecisive.

Your love and care for your girls is wonderful to see. You regret that you said all these things about infidelity and not keeping a non-biologic child. It is okay to be wrong. Okay and common. Trauma leads us to find to find pieces of truth to hang on to. You had your pieces of truth and you held fast to them. I get that. I believed that all men were cheaters. For me three out of three men I was supposed to be able to count on failed me. All men were cheaters. It has only been through this website/forum SI that I have finally realized that so many many men are treated to the same cruelty by the women in their lives. My son had to listen to this mantra his entire young life. He now identifies as gender non-binary. Maybe he was always meant to not identify as male. But maybe hearing his mother’s thinly veiled criticisms of the male gender made him want to find a different way of being. I don’t know. We can’t change the past. You can’t change the things you said. But, you and your therapist, can help your daughters understand that your words came from a place of deep trauma. Trauma explodes us from within. We can’t control all the ripple effects. Allow yourself to make mistakes. Allow yourself to be messy. Forgive yourself. Then your girls can do the same. This is going to be so challenging for them. The idea of revealing this to them together with a therapist is a good one. You do not absolutely have to reveal the paternity issue right away. But telling her right away may be the right way to go. I don’t really know. I would assume you’ve discussed it with your therapist. Your wife will be a wreck.

My husband has berated himself innumerable times for doing « the one thing he knew would destroy me ». Your wife will do the same. Whether she tells you or you let her tell you, she will have deep shame for what she has done. It sounds as though you are steeling yourself to deal with her potential responses. You don’t want to hear it. You have already cut off contact before even telling her. All of your preparations send one message - what she has done is unforgivable. Perhaps it is. There is no one who will hear this story who will not think what she has done is unforgivable. She will be the great villain. What if your daughters ever make the same error. Sometimes people deal with their trauma in unexpected ways. They may cheat in reaction. Sometimes people choose to identify with the abuser to prevent themselves from being abused. I don’t know what the point is of me writing this. Only that we can’t see all the downstream affects of everything we do.

Just be kind do yourself. Some day you may extend some grace to their mother — who knows. Only allow yourself to feel what you feel. Try not to tamp down every emotion for the sake of your girls. They need to know if is okay to break down.

I’m sorry for writing so much. Your post struck home. It is very much how I see my own life. I don’t know whether to reconcile or not. Infidelity was my boogy man long before my husband’s affair. It sounds like it was for you too. It will be a long road. The best things I have done to recover have been finding some new things to love in my life.

Wish you and your daughters a thousand hugs.

[This message edited by Stillconfused2022 at 1:47 PM, Sunday, September 10th]

posts: 393   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2022   ·   location: Northeast
id 8807188
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straightup ( member #78778) posted at 2:26 PM on Sunday, September 10th, 2023

Just sending support.

You sound like a good father.

[This message edited by straightup at 2:32 PM, Sunday, September 10th]

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
Mother Teresa

posts: 364   ·   registered: May. 11th, 2021   ·   location: Australia
id 8807194
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bob7777 ( member #79867) posted at 8:10 PM on Sunday, September 10th, 2023

So sorry to find you here. It's a hard story to read. Please take some steps back and find space to breath. I believe you should focus on your therapy to get somewhere near to healing, you're close to being in the denial phase. You can't afford to have a employee who's having an affair with your soon to be ex wife. There has to be a trust relationship between employer and employee, maybe even some other employees already know about their affair if it's going on for years. I believe you have to let him go. You're in a precarious situation, you've been betrayed by the closest people to you. Don't ignore it in the way of just ignoring them or just shutting down communication. It's gonna eat at you.

posts: 106   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2022
id 8807228
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 ShameIHaveNoFriends (original poster new member #83790) posted at 8:15 PM on Sunday, September 10th, 2023

Stillconfused2022

I'm truly sorry to hear about the pain and difficult experiences you've had in your life, particularly with regards to your childhood trauma and the challenges you're facing now. It sounds like you're going through a very tough time, and I appreciate your empathy and understanding of my situation.

Navigating through such difficult circumstances and trying to shield our children from similar hardships is indeed a selfless act. Our love for our children can drive us to make unimaginable sacrifices, even if it means revisiting our own painful memories.

I appreciate your understanding and kind words. My love for my daughters is my driving force. I'll continue to support them in any way I can; talking and time will hopefully bring us closer, and I'm committed to being there for them through it all.

I hope talking with my daughters might eventually help them understand the sacrifices I've made and the love I have for them. I will give them time and space to process their own emotions as well. I know healing can be a complex and ongoing journey. While it may be challenging for my daughters to fully grasp the depth of my sacrifice, my love and support will always be a source of strength and comfort for them, even if they don't fully understand it right now.

Thank you for your understanding and sharing your own experiences and thoughts. It's clear that you've been through a lot and that you deeply care about your son and your family.

You're absolutely right that trauma can have far-reaching effects, and sometimes our past experiences shape our beliefs and behaviours in ways we might not fully understand. It's a journey to unravel and heal from that trauma, and I'm committed to working with my therapist to help my daughters understand the origins of my words and actions.

Thank you so much for your message.

posts: 10   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2023
id 8807231
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Abalone123 ( member #82896) posted at 8:35 PM on Sunday, September 10th, 2023

OP, You seem like a nice, emotionally mature guy whole entire life has been defined by immature actions of others. Remember none of this is your fault, including your views about cheating which have influenced your daughter.

It’s actually worse that your wife knowing how you feel about this still goes ahead with cheating. You don’t have to be a saint or a martyr here by letting your ex best friend continue being employed and your wife not facing any repercussions actually. You would have moved two hours away, she has the house, kids and an employed AP to now continue this affair.

You need to stay in the house with your daughters, ask her to find another place, fire the BF, make sure you are not fleeced financially in the divorce settlements. You will set a better example for your daughters by showing them cheating has consequences and that they need to be treated with respect in any relationship they are in. Plain and simple.

Like you cutoff your mother, cutoff your wife. Use a parenting app.

posts: 284   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2023
id 8807237
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 ShameIHaveNoFriends (original poster new member #83790) posted at 9:18 PM on Sunday, September 10th, 2023

bob7777 

Thank you for this. It amazes me every time I read a comment. In last week's session, my therapist said I was in the denial phase. She more or less said what you just told me. Keeping my best friend employed will not end well in the long term.


Abalone123 

OP, You seem like a nice, emotionally mature guy whole entire life has been defined by immature actions of others. Remember none of this is your fault, including your views about cheating which have influenced your daughter.

A lot of people have told me that I'm too nice. I know it's not my fault, but sometimes it's hard to believe it wasn't something I did.


It’s actually worse that your wife knowing how you feel about this still goes ahead with cheating. You don’t have to be a saint or a martyr here by letting your ex best friend continue being employed and your wife not facing any repercussions actually. You would have moved two hours away, she has the house, kids and an employed AP to now continue this affair.

This is what hurts me so much. She knew how I felt about cheating, but she still did it right under my nose for two years. Looking back now, I can see so many red flags that I honestly don't know how I missed them. I have spoken to my family today, and they all said I'm being too nice to my WW and best friend. The way I'm trying to handle it, they'll just continue their affair.


You need to stay in the house with your daughters, ask her to find another place, fire the BF, make sure you are not fleeced financially in the divorce settlements. You will set a better example for your daughters by showing them cheating has consequences and that they need to be treated with respect in any relationship they are in. Plain and simple.

Yes, I thought a lot about this today. I have decided I will stay in my house. She goes on holiday tomorrow; I have waited long enough, and I will let her know I want a divorce. I'm also seeing my therapist with my daughters first thing in the morning, and I will also fire my best friend tomorrow. Thank you, but there is no need for a co-parenting app. My daughters are old enough to decide where they want to live (ages 16 and 18).

posts: 10   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2023
id 8807240
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1994 ( member #82615) posted at 10:09 PM on Sunday, September 10th, 2023

Good for you in not capitulating to her and your POS ex best friend. Let your daughters see what a strong man does by letting them see the repercussions of cheating. You did not deserve this. You owe it to yourself and your daughters to blast your STBXW and her POS for what they did.

Stay strong!

[This message edited by 1994 at 11:57 PM, Sunday, September 10th]

posts: 166   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8807246
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RangerS ( member #79516) posted at 11:06 PM on Sunday, September 10th, 2023

I am so glad you have decided to follow the great advice you have received here. Stay strong and remember that if your wife gets very emotional, the tears and pleading will be the result of her realizing what she is losing, not for the pain she has caused you. I am glad that she gets fired as your wife on the same day he gets fired as your friend and employee. They will still have each other and they deserve each other. What crappy people.

posts: 91   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2021
id 8807252
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WishidleftHer ( member #78703) posted at 2:02 AM on Monday, September 11th, 2023

I have spoken to my family today, and they all said I'm being too nice to my WW and best friend. The way I'm trying to handle it, they'll just continue their affair.

They're right.

Your WW isn't really your wife anymore, not since she started cheating on you. It's a marriage in name only.

He's not your best friend and hasn't been for over two years.

Divorce her and fire him and see how long it takes for both of them to realize how badly they've screwed up.

I wish you all the best.

[This message edited by WishidleftHer at 2:05 AM, Monday, September 11th]

Me: BH 74. Her: WW 69 Dday over 35 years ago and still feels like yesterday.

posts: 107   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2021   ·   location: Capital district, NY
id 8807268
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rambler ( member #43747) posted at 3:17 AM on Monday, September 11th, 2023

Overall you are doing pretty well. You have processed this for six months so this is not a rash decision.


I am glad you are firing you best friend. It will help you heal. Do not run, make her run.


Good.job.

making it through

posts: 1413   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2014   ·   location: Chicago
id 8807282
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hardyfool ( member #83133) posted at 3:49 AM on Monday, September 11th, 2023

Nothing is worse than someone who would you have done anything in world for betraying you in a such a way.

Protect yourself and your children, your WW is not your friend, neither is your friend a friend (he is just another user, there are many in the world that hand around).

You will recover, you will flourish in time.

posts: 144   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2023
id 8807285
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Sick2Death ( member #24681) posted at 4:47 AM on Monday, September 11th, 2023

I just want to say that you are amazing. I am glad you have decided to stay in your home with your daughters. This will provide you all comfort in the coming weeks.

I think being honest with your daughters will provide them strength. I used to say a lot of definitive statements until I was the one on the receiving end. I have learned to be kinder to myself and others with my judgement because we don’t know what we don’t know.

Thanks for being a loving Dad. You are putting their pain before your own. Take good care of yourself and let people in to help you. ❤️

BS Me 53 WH 55 Married 29 years

posts: 57   ·   registered: Jul. 4th, 2009
id 8807292
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 1:47 PM on Monday, September 11th, 2023

I want to make some practical suggestions:
ALL legal advice offered on this site INCLUDING probably most/all of what I share should be taken at the value it is offered. Divorce laws differ between states and countries, and it’s my understanding that it even varies between the different areas (countries?) that make up the UK. Any knowledge I might have gained over the years on English divorce might not apply to you if you are in Wales or whatever.

I am totally 100% behind your decision to divorce. For some infidelity is a dealbreaker, and there is no requirement that everyone tries to reconcile or even that reconciliation is offered. The KEY imho is that you get out of infidelity, and D is a good path to reach that place.

But… unless there is some prenup or "your" house is an inheritance or something of that nature then don’t call it "my" house… Chances are it’s a marital possession.
In most countries legal abodes offer certain protection. Basically, neither you nor your wife can demand and enforce that the other leaves. Either can initiate a legal process to make it happen, but it’s not as if you can tell her that SHE needs to leave YOUR house today.

In many states in the USA residence can impact the allocation of the family home. Like if you left the home to rent somewhere else it might give her an edge in if she wants to keep the family home. But this is only in some states, and possibly not in all countries. Don’t have a clue if this applies in any way in the UK. It is standard advice here on this site to warn against leaving the home – but it might no apply to you.

In the strongest possible way I suggest your focus should be on the legal aspect of divorce in your area. Start researching attorneys and start reading about what to expect. Be ultra-realistic: It’s only in the movies where you can put the lover or a cheesy PI on the stand and the jury decides you get everything. It’s pretty predetermined how things will most likely end. Your "power" can be limited to selecting what parts you keep, how certain things are valued and so on.

One final tip:
Talk to your accountant about the company AS well as an attorney…
It MIGHT be to your advantage to make legal accounting changes like adjusting amortization, maybe renewing the fleet or redecorating the offices or something that might lessen the fluidity and/or value of the company short-term. Of course – this is based on it being considered marital property.
But then – maybe my suggestion is completely off your countries rules and regulations. Like all advice on this site might be.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 12479   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8807308
Topic is Sleeping.
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